Mean Mums

I would strongly recommend that you consider counselling. It sounds as if you've been dealing with abuse for most of your life. A licensed therapist may be able to help.

Oh I am so sad to read of your unhappiness Cecelialilian, Yes I know from a family member how some feelings never leave you, but please be so proud of yourself for breaking the pattern & bringing up your own wonderful children. I was once told the best gift you can give to yourself is to love yourself, so you hold your head up & give yourself the love & respect you deserve, sincere best wishes to you & others who have suffered similarly.

I had a mean mom, infact a very cruel one, I was beaten with a leather strap and a long cane, when I was 6 yrs old I went to school with splits on the back of my legs that were bleeding and no one questioned it this was in the 1940s. my mother always told me she didn't want me and hated little girls. she tried to strangle me while I was a little girl and she got sent to a psychiatric prison for several months this didn't cure her as she threatened to smother me with a pillow while I slept..you can imagine the state of my small mind...she was a war widow and blamed me for spoiling her life. When I was older she said she hated children and never every wanted children. she constantly told me she wished I had been killed in the war. I grew up without love and a very lonely little girl. I left school at 15 and went to work where I met my husband to be. He was 12 yrs. older than me and a widower. We married and my life became the same as when I was a child he beat me and constantly referred to his dead wife as though I was to blame. I am 78yrs old and now a widow of 20yrs. despite the amount of people I know and all the groups I belong to. I still feel lonely. and realised that I have never been loved. But my lovely daughter and son have grown up fine sensible adults and I gave them lots of love and confidence. And they are happily married. I know they love me as they tell me so...but I still feel I don't fit in anywhere...I am confident and intelligent and outgoing, but still have this unwanted feeling...does anyone else feel this way.

I had a mean mum, who, I'm quite sure had me micro chipped! I could never lie and say I was somewhere when I'd actually been somewhere else (that was I was forbidden to go!) because she always knew! I found that out the hard way....

Yes, I was a 'mean' Mum, 'meaner' than my own mother. I suspect it was my character, being more like my Dad than my Mum, rather than any sort of conscious choice to be 'mean' . My sons have all grown up to be wonderful people, though - kind, considerate, good-mannered, law abiding and holding down steady jobs. And I have a good relationship with them so I think I did ok!

Sorry ..... raised a good 'un.

My parents were very different, dad liked a drink and mum wouldn't socialise. Dad went to family weddings on his own.
Dad was kind. Mum was definitely mean, in the worst way....mean spirited and put a dampener on everything. No holidays, no days out.

By age 12 I was making dinner (so I'd know what had to be done), Saturdays were for cleaning windows and such. By age 15 I used to get up early on a Saturday and try and get everything done by about 2 so I could grab a couple of hours with my friends at the shops.
If I was out on a Saturday then stay in house on Sunday. Not allowed out two days running. These were mum's rules. As I got older, Friday night was a stay in night for me as she went to bingo and someone had to make dad's dinner when he got in.

The words I will never forget were what she said to my aunt ...... No matter what she wears she (me) looks like nothing.

And so , I married, big mistake. I ended up being a carer as my husband was schizophrenic.
One thing I promised myself.... My (only) child would know he was loved and wanted. He didn't do many chores. I kind of felt that as his dad did nothing, it wasn't fair for him to be burdened by it.

Anyways, he was a worker in other ways, although there was a certain learning difficulty, studying hard saw him to uni and his post graduate studies. He's still not a handyman as such but pulls his weight especially in shared parenting. He knows what not to do !! But because of his determination with studies can afford to pay a handyman. !!

I think that against all odds I tested a good 'un.

According to DD, I was nasty Mummy compared with nice Daddy. This was because I was the main parenting parent. DH's work meant that he was away from home a lot, so when he was home he tended to be more indulgent of naughty behaviour and was also a source of lots of treats, for all of us, to make up for his absence.

Still both DC have grown up as we hoped they would and I am the first port of call for DD whenever anything good or bad happens to her, so I cannot have been that 'nasty'!

If that news clipping is the definition of a 'mean mum' then I was definitely mean, and some! But our boys have grown up into responsible, respectable young men, and it looks like they are being 'mean' parents too. It's a pity there were not, and are not, more 'mean' parents, there might be less crime and violence on our streets now.

I was like that too.
Ours all had their chores to do (age related) to earn pocket money.
The memory that bothers me most was when one of our boys, aged about 17, invited some friends, in pairs, for a smoochy party. I agreed, but sat there with them until they went home.
A real wet blanket, but not in our house!

Mine too and it was doubled as my father was a strict headmaster. No b/fs u til I was 18, proper routines at home. Older brother had to polish our shoes and we both had to clean the silver once a week taking in turns to clean then polish, wash and dry. Both of us had to clean our bicycles weekly...and they were inspected. I helped mum with washing up and we both helped mum clear the table after meals. Always a 'May I leave the table?' when we finished our meal.
We had a secure, very loving home and never went without holidays and lots of outdoor play or tending to our own patches of the garden. I count myself very lucky.
My own children had a similar upbringing - black and white, no grey areas where children don't quite know where they stand and lots and lots of love.
My older brother married at 17 to his 17 yr old g/f and had 4 children. They are still happily married 57 years later.

what happened there - it posted itself! ........bringing there DC up using the same rules, although the teenage section hasn't been reached yet (but it is coming up fast)

I have a suspicion my DD may have written this!

It rubs off on to them, DD is childless but DS & DDiL are

According to this our mum was 'mean' but I expect it did us the world of good. Saturday mornings we had to do the dusting which I hated - still do. We had to help to hang the washing out, change the bedclothes on school holidays, with washing and drying up at weekends.
Sister has three boys and they don't do housework. Their rooms are a disgrace - what's called a 'floordrobe.' We would never have got away with that. Her 'boys' are in their thirties now. No wonder they show no intention of leaving home - they're almost spoon-fed. I expect she wants to be friends with them as opposed to an authority figure but has made a rod for her own back.

My mum was "mean" according to this. She and my dad raised a nurse, a SAHM with three kids, three music teachers, and a soon-to-be police officer. This is very similar to a clipping she had on her fridge. Frankly, I think her being a "mean" mum was one of the best things that ever happened to us.

Love it, yes I was a mean mum according to this and have 2 lovely DD so it didn’t do them any harm. Shame there isn’t more mean mums around in this generation.

mine say I'm "old school" we had rules and they had to abide by them but the didn't do chores ...nor did I when I was growing up.They had part time jobs young and worked from the day they left school .I worked from I was 13 ,in the shop in the local cinema,and left school at 15.My mother always said we would have enough housework to do when we had our own homes so why would she expect us to do it before we needed to.SHE was excessively houseproud.I'm not.

I hold my hand up to being a mean mum too. One of my daughters said later " well at least we knew you cared" . My grandchildren were brought up in the same mould.

Panache - I totally get what you are saying about your Father. Mine was a local legend, but no fun to live with when he was drunk...

My parents bought a fish and chip shop when I was 11 and my sister 6 and half. It was open in the evening and so my sister and I were alone in the evening. I had to 'put her to bed', washing her face and caring for her. They attended no parent's days, we got our own food except on Sundays and Mondays, which was when the shop was closed. It was lonely after having a stay-at-home mum before. They were stressed with the long hours, I was stressed being thrown into an adult life somewhat early with too much responsibility, there was drinking by them to alleviate stress, which didn't help us any... if it wasn't for a supportive local church I think I would have collapsed in a heap. Mind you - I stayed in good relationship until they died - though I did live abroad after marriage for a number of years to 'escape' it all. Not all parents are good parents, but I guess we need to make the best of what we have. I used to envy some of my friends who were 'cherished' by their families. Didn't happen in ours.

Nope I wasn’t mean. I came from a family of strict upbringing my m7m could be mean but then it was the 60s
Think she was worried I would be an unmarried mum.
Always listened to what my kids had to say but was always honest with them. Told them if they make mistakes it’s life and you have to deal with.
I was always a good listener.

I was brought up by Foster parents and My "mum" bless her, pampered and loved me to death,however taught me virtually no home skills...... and of course back then I did not even think of asking?!

Something I bitterly regret.

Again in the main I had a "mean F.father" though his favourite saying was "Do as I tell you to do,and don`t follow my example" which again, looking back, would be sound advice knowing with such total disgust the hard truths I learnt much later.

However his strict guide lines were virtually making my life a prison,I could not listen to the radio or play music on a Sunday,the Sabbath for instance,whilst had I dared been late home by just a few minutes I would know all about it.

I would of my own volition choose to perhaps give the floor a good polishing..........my f.dad would deliberately come in with muddy boots,trampling all over it..........

Christmas time I would hand make a lot of paper chains,laboriously decorating what I can only describe as a very dark and dingy home...........he would return from a long session at the nearby `pub and immediately rip them down.

I was not allowed to be seen outside the bedroom wearing my night clothes which were perfectly decent pyjamas.

Life under his ruling was not pleasant.
He presented himself as a loving father and great fun to my friends...........and yet at home he was totally the opposite.

Even with the inconsistencies I grew up with,I never came to harm,I have never smoked and when others went drinking in a `pub in their late teens I stayed outside!

I think somewhere along the line I must have taught myself because looking back,overall I have not done too badly,,although yes I heartily admit I was never a great cook or needlewoman...........yet more than got by,and made up for it by being great elsewhere.

However I do believe it caused me to get engaged and married at a young age......simply a form of escapism.

It was only after the marriage break down and my recovery from it........aged about 23....... that my life first started for real.

Mean or not.............the jury is still out on that!!

I was a mean Mum in lots of ways but I did try to give my children a voice too. Most of adult life is about negotiating and compromise so we have to give our young people those skills. I also encourage my children to teach their children about learning to say 'no', to anybody doing things to their bodies that they don't want like kissing Grandma goodbye. It has to be a balance which keeps them safe whilst instilling responsibilities to the community in which they live.

It was my dad as much as my mother who set the rules for us. We had a cooked breakfast every school day morning, porridge, beans on toast (my most hated!), bacon sandwich, whatever she could contrive from what she had in the pantry. We had jobs to do and we learned to shift for ourselves.

My dad insisted on knowing where we were, with whom and he set the curfew. We couldn't get far because we were kept really short of money too. Even if we had a Saturday job, we had to pay one third of the pittance to our mum for board!

They loved us and took their responsibilities very seriously. We weren't molly coddled so we grew up strong and capable.

Our mum was on her own, and working full-time, after I was ten, so big sister and I had to knuckle down and share the chores. I remember all the trips I made to the laundrette, pushing washing in an old pushchair! Sister and I helped with shopping, sometimes cooked, always washed-up, cleaned the house, made beds and generally pitched in. Did I like this? Not much! (But I did it). Was it good for me? Yes! It made me a "mean mum" too, and now my DS (only child) can now turn his hand to anything regarding running a home.