Youngest son moves back in

Iam64, it would be lovely to think that it shouldn't be necessary to make things "very, very clear" to returning AC but from the number of posts on GN from Grans struggling with "do nothing, pay nothing" boomerang children it does appear to be necessary.

I’d hope it wouldn’t be necessary to “make very very clear etc”. Most families reach a point where everyone contributes, as best they’re able.

If an adult child needs to return to the family home for whatever reason it should be made very, very clear that they do so as an adult and are expected to participate in household responsibilities. They are sharing the house as an adult not a return to childhood.

This includes paying a financial contribution relevant to their income (even if it's benefits) and reasonable contributions to household chores. Depending on the circumstances setting an exit time frame may be good but is not always possible. Exempting them from these real life expectations just makes it too easy and too comfortable to remain ensconced in the family home with little incentive to move on. Not good for anyone.

Of course you help your child if you can when they need it but don't disempower and deskill them in the process. That's not love.

I'd love it if any of my sons moved back home. My youngest still officially lives with us -he's 27 - but is currently in Vietnam for a year teaching English. I miss him terribly and don't like that I won't physically be in his presence for so long. I'm praying he doesn't decide to stay out there. My other two live locally, but I miss their daily presence. I know this is the way of things, but I'd love it if we still all lived together along with my son's partner and my granddaughter. As far as I'm concerned our house will always be their home if and whenever they want to return to it for any time. I can't understand any father who would begrudge his own son a bed and a roof if he needed it.

All three of my adult children have "returned" at some stage in their lives. I feel as BlueBelle does, this house was and remains the family home.
agnurse takes an unemotional rather intellectual approach, talking about the father owning half the house. He also 'owns' half the life long family commitment to his children. I'm not suggesting adult children who just take from their parents should be enabled in that way but there are so many 'good' reasons that adult children need to return to live with their parents, on a short term (or longer) basis.

Its not unreasonable for the father to have a say Agnurse but it’s unreasinable for a father not to want to help a son who’s fell on difficult times
My youngest came back twice for short periods, my eldest plus two children had a year with me after her partner died and she was trying to get a new home together
As far as I m concerned it was their family home and always will be and I wouldn’t have it any other way
This chap has a job and is paying his way obviously mum is happy to have him home and dad is sulking Poster doesn’t say he’s a pain in the proverbial or badly behaved or anything and says they have a big enough house
Hopefully he won’t want it to be a long term solution most young people don’t want to live with elderly parents

f77ms

I think there is a difference between an AC who is not able to care for himself and an AC who simply chooses to live with Mom and Dad for the sake of convenience.

Since the OP's husband is presumably also a part owner of the home, I don't think it's unreasonable for him to have some say over who lives there. I also don't think it's unreasonable for there to be some ground rules and a defined move-out date. I would never expect my parents to take me into their home and would be grateful if they offered, should the need arise, but I would be actively working to find my own place to live and the circumstances that would allow me to do so.

annan that's terrible ! Did you let your H back home after his flounce ?

I have a son aged 41 who has had to come home after massive pulmonary embolisms and 3 strokes . I am grateful every day that he did not die and is able to share my home . He has some residual effects but is coping OK . I would never tell any of my children that they could not come home and if I had to choose between an AC or a grumpy old git I know who it would be .

I have been in this situation but with a nineteen year old. I don't know how stubborn your husband is but mine packed his bags, left home and did not speak to me for a month simply said it's her or me. In the end when no compromise is possible it is your decision and you have to choose.

Are you speaking for yourself S2be when you say “we devalue our men wives” by ignoring their feelings, you don’t speak for me.

The great British family!

Your children are always your family there is no time limit. If you have space they should be welcome to live in their family home. It seems there have been money problems in the past so rules have to be set but not to welcome your child is very sad. We complain about children not helping their elderly parents but if this is the example they are set what do we expect.

as usual, odd duck out, I fear.

I feel for your man. I also feel for you. Have you asked him what's up and what would make him feel better about things? have you discussed the idea of a compromise that makes him feel respected and lets you feel good about helping your child so he not end up on the streets?
Maybe he feels like he will never get by himself time with you and longs for a romance with his wife? Would that really be such a bad thing?

If it were my hubs and me, we'd allow for a home-moving, but there would be a plan, and an exit date. Child would help with grocery cost, and utilities as well as pay a reasonable amount of rent, just so that he remember that life is not a free ride and we raised him to be capable, ahrd working and ultimately the gift of living independent from us.

I think we devalue our men wives..when we don't take into account that they have a right to their feelings as much as we and the kids do.

Stick to your guns your Dh is jealous and wants you all to himself.Your son will get back on his feet and deserves your help I would be upset if my son didn't turn to me for help also one day your Dh might need help one day from your son maybe you should remind him of this why be mean towards your own family he needs to get over himself.

I’d have my eldest son back in a heartbeat! Can’t see the problem. But then I like my kids.

We would not want to see our kids homeless but we would hope that their marriage is very long lasting and they do not come back home to live. However if they did then they would be welcome. If the kids could not count on us their parents when in need then who could they count on.

Shazmo ... there's a lot of them about!

Chuck out husband and keep your DS - what a selfish man

If my husband said me or him I'd choose my son every time. Far for more fun, generous and helpful around the house.

My 3 moved in and out a few times when young, it’s what they do, finding their feet in the world, trying new things and knowing that Mum is always there to help out. They always paid their way and treated me with love and respect. My ex ( their stepfather) tried to stop my eldest moving back in MY house ! So he was told a few Home truths. As long as the AC are not expecting a free ride or abusing the hospitality I cannot see what the problem is. This makes it worse if it’s the natural father, and as others have said, do you want this attitude for the rest of your life ?? You need some fun in your latter life, not moaning and misery, and he certainly is not showing you any respect or empathy.

I am afraid the old boy wants you to himself and now the young boy has returned and messed up his lovely life of being the centre of your attention! I am pretty sure he doesn't want you to go anywhere. Talk to DS, in a general way and see what his future plans are or better still get Dad to do it. Is DS aware of the atmosphere in the house?

You have a large house, he is paying his way, you are his parents, so why not. Seems your husband needs to get over it.

Perhaps your husband should consider that sometime in the future he might need his son to take him in. Anything could happen and he might need a loving son to look after him.

I would not see any grown up wage earning child of mine without accommodation but, and a big but, there would have to be rules.No overnights for friends what ever their sex. I would expect them to find alternative accommodation as soon as possible. We are entitled in our senior years to a bit of privacy and maybe this is what your husband wants but feels not able to have with his son living there. I see your point as a mother. Sorry I can't offer any more advice other than alternative accommodation as soon as possible.

Maybe you DH has heard and read too many tales of caution about "boomerang kids" moving back in with parents, due to the current appalling situation as regards accommodation, but then proceed to treat the place like a hotel and become too complacent to think about moving on.

At least your son is paying his way - very many apparently do not and are then genuinely stupefied that Ma & Pa expect them to contribute something. Really!

Maybe if you are selling the house and getting separate places you could move in and share with son?