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Youngest son moves back in

(62 Posts)
Babushka59 Tue 15-May-18 22:12:55

So, he had a live in job, unhappy for various reasons, moved in with us , myself and DH. DH furious that he's given up accommodation, does not want him here. I won't see him on the streets. He's found another job straight away but not live in. We're in a house with plenty of space and he'll be paying his way. Now I'm being ignored and alienated unless son is away from the house.

Izabella Tue 15-May-18 22:30:33

So if he is earning a living and paying his way, could you give him an agreed deadline for finding his own rental place?

crazyH Tue 15-May-18 22:38:29

How sad....torn between DH and son. Is he the father of the boy?
You have a big house, he will pay his way, so what's the problem? Men are selfish and don't like their space invaded.
Mothers are selfless. We will do anything for our children.
Hopefully, your DH will get used to it and will probably enjoy having another male around, to talk about football or rugby.
All the best xx

Chinesecrested Wed 16-May-18 00:32:04

DH is behaving like a big sulky kid. Of course you aren't going to see Ds on the streets. My dp is not the father of my 40 year old rather chaotic ds, but he's happy to let him stay. He's been here for 6m so far and I'm the one who is keen to see him go.

agnurse Wed 16-May-18 01:44:16

I go back and forth on this. On your side, of course you don't want to see DS on the street. On your husband's side, DS is a grown adult. He's old enough to take responsibility for his own living situation. I agree that it may be a reasonable compromise to give him a generous deadline for finding a place to live. If it's too expensive for him to live alone he might consider finding a roommate.

Meanwhile you might ask your DH if there's a particular reason he's upset about DS moving back in. This way you could look at setting some ground rules if necessary and negotiating to have your own space separate from DS.

stella1949 Wed 16-May-18 07:18:37

It's the " old wolf and young wolf" situation - the old wolf feels as if the young wolf is moving back into his territory. As mothers I think we are much more likely to welcome our children back home, it's in our natures, but men , not so much ( though I suspect that if your daughter was returning , your DH might view things differently. )

I have to say, when this happened to me, I told DH that he needed to consider his future plans since I had no intention of putting my son out. My son stayed for 6 months before finding his own home , and despite DH's negativity at the time, I stuck to my guns and gave my son the time to get himself back on track. Good luck with your situation.

OldMeg Wed 16-May-18 07:25:07

Firstly I’m laughing as there’s a thread about people starting sentences with ‘so’ ...and the first two posts do just that! 🤣🤣

If he’s DH’s son too then I’d tell him in no uncertain terms to ‘get over it’! However you might want to set a time limit on son’s stay??

Besstwishes Wed 16-May-18 07:29:35

Sooooooo, 😉get your DH to give your son the deposit for a rental property plus the first months rent.
If he feels that strongly about it, he should be happy to help him out for a bit.

seacliff Wed 16-May-18 07:35:15

I agree with Stella . Same happened to me. Our son was in a really bad place mentally, and I knew he needed our help. He'd had years of being independent before that, this was just a temporary blip.

DH objected (his son) but I insisted. It caused us great problems, but I would never turn him away.

Fair enough to set a time limit, for their own good. Then help them get a place.

Babushka59 Wed 16-May-18 07:43:11

Oh no, OldMeg... Why did I start with so? I'm so critical of people doing that on to interviews. It's seeping into usage.
Yes, he's our youngest son, 28.
A time limit that you, Izabella and and agnurse suggest, yes might calm things down .
It's polarised us and I have already said to DH we'll sell the house and each have our own space. He says if that's what you want, thinking he's calling my bluff, Stella1949.
The sad thing is, he's already a grumpy old man at 63 and behaves just like his own father did to him which he hated. The rest of the family comment and will lose respect for him as a father.Thank you all for your advice, now I'll just have to keep going.

Babushka59 Wed 16-May-18 07:46:10

Bestwishes, no way he'd do that. DS has been awful with money in past and still psying DH back! Messy.

Iam64 Wed 16-May-18 08:02:34

It sounds as though you're pretty fed up with your husband being a grumpy old man at 63, replicating the relationship he had with his own father.
Your post reminds me of a recent discussion on here where the OP asked who came first, husband or children. Most of our friends, like us, have had adult children returning like boomerangs at various points in our lives.
Your son has asked for support and you've given it. I hope there aren't serious drug/alcohol issues that mean he's been awful with money and is still paying his dad back. If there are, your son needs your support in straightening his life out even more.
Best of luck and do look after yourself in the middle of this!

Auntieflo Wed 16-May-18 08:20:57

OldMeg, you made me smile. I was just thinking that I could make a post almost exactly as yours, but you beat me to it. As to a DS returning home after being away, I'm not sure I would be willing. I know I say I would, and for a couple of weeks it would be OK, but in real life??? DH is much more easy going than me, in lots of ways,and would have him back like a shot. The thing is, DS is very like me and we would soon clash. On the other hand, I really couldn't see him struggle, and would have to bite my tongue, as he is generous to a fault. So (oh no, not the So) I would be torn. I am a grumpy old woman, sometimes, and will be a year older next week shock

Nanabilly Wed 16-May-18 08:43:59

Having one of the adult children move back home for any reason is not ideal , nobody really wants it to happen BUT most of us will happily let it happen temporarily. If your husband is father to this son then I think he is bang out of order. If he is stepfather to him I think he is also bang out of order. Would be really rather you let him live on the street or sofa surf on friends couches?
If I were in your shoes right now I would be having a serious discussion with husband and tell him how selfish and uncaring he is being and let him know that you are not going to neglect your son no matter how much he protests and whilst you are at it let him know that he is turning into us father, the father he hated for being exactly the way he is himself behaving . Have you ever told him that?
Good luck with it and stand your ground.

mumofmadboys Wed 16-May-18 08:53:00

Our 31 year old has returned to live with us. I do understand Babushka. x

midgey Wed 16-May-18 10:07:49

Depending on where in the country you live rental properties, be they flats or even just rooms, can be extortionately expensive if you can even find one.

inishowen Wed 16-May-18 10:14:01

Our son came back to live with us for about a year when a relationship broke up. We both tried to make him welcome. He hated being back with his parents though! Luckily he met a lovely lady on-line, who had her own house. They were married six years ago and are very happy. I feel that your husband is being very mean to your son. I would have a very hard talk with him. If he sulks, let him. Your son will always be your son. Husbands sometimes aren't permanent.

codfather Wed 16-May-18 10:15:00

We've been married for 40 years and since the first one was born almost 40 years ago, we haven't had the house to ourselves. The last child left Christmas before last but teenage GD lives with us.

Works well enough for us and we have a spare room which can be used when necessary. If one of them needed to move back in, we wouldn't have a problem.

Harris27 Wed 16-May-18 10:17:24

Don't understand this he's your son why wouldn't yo want to help? Are men ridiculous surely your own blood you are parents the job never ends! My youngest son has been back twice and still visits twice a week I feed him and send him on his way and do it with love. Maybe I'm the fool but I'm also his mother.husband lives it when he comes.

Grampie Wed 16-May-18 10:18:18

Parents should house their children until they can survive without relying on housing benefit.

...and charge rent if they are waged.

paddyann Wed 16-May-18 10:37:55

Codfather snap ! I've had children at home for 40 years continuously.My D left at 18 but her brother was just 8 then and by the time his nephew was born was 14,I cared for the GC daily and the next three ,one of whom is here half of every week night and day .My son moved home after a relationship breakdown and brought his daughter with him. He stayed 7 years .She thinks of this as home and although her dad now lives with a new partner...8 years down the road ..she will stay with us until she decides herself that she wants to live with him and his lovely new partner .
I would/could never refuse to help my kids or GC when they need some help...surely thats what being a parent is .

humptydumpty Wed 16-May-18 10:40:41

At 28 unless he has MH probs he really should be encouraged to start living independently - it's not doing him a favour to treat him like a child. By all means help him out temporarily - but he should pay towards his keep and do his own washing etc; since his last job was live-in he needs some help in learning how to live independently, this is your chance then hopefully when he moves out he will be prepared.

JanaNana Wed 16-May-18 10:43:38

I could understand this more if he was,nt your sons dad but find it odd that he would resent it for his son. I guess he has got used to just you and he having the place to yourselves and likes the status quo. Did they used to get on ok before your son left home? Is there an element of jealousy? My own children had jobs/ careers which involved living in and in the armed forces, and accepted it was still home to them until they had more permanent homes of their own.

icanhandthemback Wed 16-May-18 10:44:23

I'll swap your son for my DD, SIL and DGD who have all moved back in with us for what was initially a fortnight and is now at least 3 months! My DH is most disgruntled but I would have his children back if it helped them out and have done so on several occasions. I pointed out to him that his attitude diminishes my respect for him and he is doing his best to be magnanimous now! He's a 61 year old grumpy old man though!

Jayelld Wed 16-May-18 10:48:59

Having your son at home, even temporarily, with a sulky husband must be like being caught between a rock and a hardplace. Have you asked your husband what the problem is? Could it be a sign of a deeper problem, boredom, depression etc? Or is he merely turning into his father? Ether way, I think you need to speak to him and try and find out what the problem is?