Childlees by choice or circumstance

You are so right Maw Broon, but the expectation is still there, and always will be I bet.
You feel that you are not a real woman unless you can produce a child. My heart truly goes out to everyone who has for whatever reason not been able to have a child or chooses not to be a mother. ???? to all of you Ladies.

Nobody’s business but their own.

People have often assumed that because I do not have children that I do not like them. My own family even thought that, and said so to the point that my sister even threatened to throw my contraceptive pills away!! One day, whilst visiting my husbands' family at a Party, a family friend, a lovely old chap asked my Husband and I if we had any children. His grandmother immediately stepped in before I could answer and said in a loud voice, NO, and I don't know why they are waiting either !
It was awful.
No-one wanted to know why I did not want Children, but then again, no-one really asked but I could not tell them then. I was terrified of Pregnancy.
I was terrified, absolutely terrified beyond belief.
I had seen my Mum in labour when I was barely a teenager. I was on my own in the house as she screamed, asking for Gods help to put her out of the pain. I did not know what to do. All I knew was that Mum was in so much pain, I thought that she was dying. I called for an ambulance who arrived to deliver my half brother just in time before Mum was whisked off to hospital.
Several months later, my Mum called for me to go to the toilet. I will never, ever, ever, ever, forget what I saw. Poor Mum had suffered a miscarriage and asked me to look to check. I could see the foetus. I felt sick.
I still don't know why Mum did this to me. I was just a teenager.
The thing is that I love kids, I adore my Nieces and Nephews, as well as my great Nieces and Nephews, but people still judge you when you have not had your own and make the assumption that you do not like kids.

Nice one/eight, lovebeigecardigans55!

I'm childless by choice. I'm rarely asked why this is, but if so I say the following:
1. The thought of giving birth terrifies me
2. Getting fat would disgust me
3. The responsibility of a baby/child's life would worry me
4. Competition between BIL/SILs 'perfect' children would make none of us happy
5. Overbearing ILs would madden me
6. No time for oneself
7. No peace and quiet
8. Unhappy childhood memories - the rough and tumble of family life just isn't for me - luckily DH agreed.
Eight good reasons not to have children. No regrets.

Maggiemaybe

My parents, having six children, were sometimes criticized for having so many. My response would be, Which ones would you suggest they not have had? My sister and I are the oldest two. Then my parents had a boy. People might say, "Well, then they should have another to even it up." They had another boy. Then they had two more boys. My second youngest brother has spent considerable time and energy teaching music to children living in underprivileged neighbourhoods even though he had better opportunities elsewhere. My youngest brother is in training to become a police officer.

My younger daughter is unable to have children, when she was in her late twenties and thirties she was asked when she was going to start a family, now in her forties nothing is said.

My experience is that if a conversation turns this way, the person without children will be kind enough to give you a clue to save you from saying something insensitive. My DD for example will say openly that she’s childfree by choice, and I’ve had strangers tell me that “sadly” they don’t have children. That’s as far as the conversation needs to go, unless the person without children wants to discuss it. On the other hand I’ve had a woman with one child tell me that she didn’t feel the need to have “umpteen” children to validate herself as a woman, when she found out I was pregnant with my second, and another with one child offering to teach me about contraception, when I told her I’d three children! There are some rude people about!

I don’t understand why people need to say why they are childless. It’s no ones business unless the person in question speaks about it

Princesspamma, yup!! I get you.

I was actually told I must be a disappointment to my mother because I don't have children!

It is absolutely no-one else's business , but I can't help feeling sorry for those without children and grandchildren.

We know several couples who had two children, but will never have any grandchildren, and I count my blessings when I think about the joy that our wee ones have brought to our lives.

We have no children. I have never wanted children, am not interested in anything about children. However, when we got married (and i was 39 and 3/4!!) we did discuss whether we might like a child - if I could see myself having a child with anyone, it would be with him, and given my age, it would need to be pretty soon - and decided to see if it happened. It didn't. And actually I am very relieved. I know that with the right person to channel his interests, my husband would be an excellent (if lazy) father, but he does not miss or want a child, he says. I have learned about myself that it is him that I love, and children would be rivals for his time and love, and i would resent them. So it is both by choice and circumstance. What I do hate is that the 'bechilded' expect me to be interested in their offspring and their every word, thought and deed. I am not. Many of us are not. If you have children/grandchildren you are invested, and really have to find them charming and interesting etc. We who have no resources bound up with procreation have no such requirement. I don't expect that there will be no talk about kids whatsoever, but i won't pretend an interest I do not have.

My lovely d never wanted children. I wasn’t worried about it one bit and my husband wasn’t either.
One very nasty person said she wasn’t fulfilled because she had never had children.
She was in a relationship for 17 years, that ended very badly and my d was so glad she hadn’t had a child anyway because the thought of that person having to;share care was something she felt strongly about. She is happy and a guardian to her niece along with us. She has seen her grow into a beautiful young girl.

I had a daughter when just 16 but health problems meant I had to have a full hysterectomy in my late 20's and I often wish things had been different as my partner of the last 25+ years would make a wonderful dad - he is brilliant with any kids that visit, keen to share his many hobbies and skills and has the right amount of patience, understanding and fun - I'm OK with him telling people why we haven't been able to have kids together but he still answers questions in a way that shields me from being 'blamed'. If we ever came into lots of money and had a bigger house I think he would like to foster or adopt - and in the past we have discussed all sorts of options including surrogacy. People can be bloody intrusive, so polite 'mind your own business' responses are also an option.

My sister found that simply replying, “No,do you?” immediately turned the conversation so that the other person talked about their children instead.

But why would anybody open a conversation with that question? There must be a million more interesting things to talk about?

Personally I always avoid anyone who starts with do you have grandchildren? I know they are going to bore the socks off me !

Kircubbin, what a lovely idea! As a single parent myself for many years and living a long way away from my family it would have been lovely to have had a step gran.

I would never dream about probing into why people are 'childfree' but it makes one realise what a usual conversation opener it is to ask about children. A childfree friend said she gets fed up with it being the main topic of conversation within a group of women.

Margs I so agree with you - I have had the "whose going to look after you in your old age" comment as well. The sad thing is that the person who said it has no contact with her children and grandchildren, through her own actions.

I',m child-free by definite choice and when I was much younger people would insist on telling me "you'll change your mind!"

But I didn't - nevertheless, once I'd rattled through the menopause and came out the other side still quite child-free the very same know-all tw*ts insisted on telling me "well, it's too late now to change your mind, eh?"

You.Cannot.Win.

(PS: I was actually asked "but if you don't have at least one, who's going to take care of your when you get old?" I doubt there is a more selfish and almost criminal reason for bringing a child into the world, than simply to serve as an 'insurance policy' for someone's old age.........beggars belief.)

It's have wonderful nephews, nieces and grand nephews and nieces but they live many miles away. One grown up nephew is like a wonderful friend to me who'd do anything for me.

DH was always nosey and never tactful. I cringed when he met anyone new and started asking personal questions. I knew one woman was on her last possible session of IVF which had not worked. When he met her for the first time, he said, 'You're looking well — are you pregnant?' He thought it was perfectly OK as a conversation starter. Even when I explained afterwards why she dashed away looking upset, he couldn't understand what was wrong with the question. And yes, repeated it with other women later.

Hearing all the Me-Too responses from men about 'banter' took me back to the many inappropriate remarks DH defended as 'banter', or 'meant as a joke'. In the end I would not go out with him socially because of the way he would shout at me if I tried to steer a conversation away from a minefield.

Is it a lack of sensitivity, or they just can't imagine how anything they say could ever be inappropriate? Maybe it was a generational thing. He was much older than me. Certainly didn't want to learn.

I'm with OldWoman70 on this.

My friend is childless but has recently become foster gran to a single parent.She gets a lot out of this and in turn single dad does jobs around house and drives her to hospital appointments.

My daughter in her 40s is childless. She had a bad relationship in her twenties and then never met anyone she wanted to settle down with. She considered having a baby on her own using donated sperm but then decided she would struggle to support it on her own and opted for a single life that she enjoys. However she is now pre- menopausal and , to be honest, it breaks my heart to see her entering that phase of life without children and without a partner.

Do you have to respond Silverlining in this situation? Perhaps it is better to wait and see if they volunteer more information! My eldest daughter doesn’t have children. She always says she never met anyone that she wanted to have a family with. Now she is married to a lovely man who has grown up children. As her brother and two sisters have children she is a fabulous auntie! Their farm is the favourite place for everyone to visit. We have fabulous Christmases there. They breed labradors have visitors all the time and are happy and fulfilled. I think it is more difficult when those who really want children haven’t been successful. Perhaps people should not be so intrusive with their questions! How we choose to live our lives is personal.

I have one married son who has no children, and I have never felt that I could ask if it was their choice or they were having difficulties. He has told his siblings (but not us) that he is considering adopting children with a troubled backgrounds, which worries me a bit as I have seen this go so wrong in others. Oviously we would love any new grandchild in the same way as the others. I don't know if this is because they feel the world is overpopulated already (they are very ecology conscious) or that they can't, and don't know how to broach the subject! Or should I just keep quiet?