Childlees by choice or circumstance

I'm not childless but H and I tried for 10 yrs before DD came along.
People did feel they had the right to ask for details back then. I often got asked "So, why didn't you want children ?"
My reply was "we tried" Most would then be embarassed and express sympathy and leave it there. Some would then have the cheek to ask why it didn't happen.
If I were childless now I would just say that it wasn't a personal choice and change the subject. It wouldn't upset me now. I like to think if we hadn't been fortunate to have our DD and DS I hope I could cope with a discussion about children, as long as people didn't pry into the whys and wherefores.

My reply was always "actually it's not something I usually discuss" and change the subject. Said in a nice way with a smile.

I am childless - I don't have a problem if people talk about children but as nina said it's when people, even those you have only just met, who when they find out you have no children then ask why - I have even been asked "whose fault is it"

If someone in a social situation mentions they have no children there is no need to pursue the reasons. It depends on the context - if the conversation is about children then just continue to speak about your own.

We too are child less,not particularly by design, simply this is the way "the cookie crumbled" if you catch my drift.

We realised along the years that we are not at all maternal, and yet our two dogs were treated like precious children........but we have simply found the two of us seem right for each other and there is no pressing need.

Having said that my DH always has said I would have made a very caring and devoted "Mom".I think as we have got older we feel the need more of that other certain someone in our lives but,certainly in no way thinking of someone to look after us in our dotage..........simply an extention of ourselves, with the possibility of G/C making a further few little extra faces and personalities.

More so now I am a GN member I am getting quite envious of all of you with lots of family members around you.
Still,that is life and obviously not to be "our lot".

We did get questions and odd little looks earlier on but we were simply open and people soon got the message and changed the subject.

I have a stepdaughter but do not have biological children at present due to health issues. (We would like to have more children; it just hasn't happened yet.) I have been fortunate in that most people who are curious simply ask, "Are you planning to have more children?" I answer, "We'd like to, it just hasn't happened yet."

We have 2 sons but were cut out by the youngest more than 5 years ago and as a result out of our GC's lives as well.

Generally when asked if we have children we say a son, and when asked about GC say we don't have any.

We have one son in our lives and no GC but through circumstance, not our choice.

DD, who is in her mid-40s, has chosen to neither marry nor have children. I asked her recently whether anyone ever asked questions about her childless, partnerless life and she said, it was very rare for this happened and her response is always 'I prefer to live on my own.'

I usually say "unfortunately, I don't have children".People aren't rude enough to enquire about the state of my plumbing! It conveys the fact that I don't dislike children. People don't realise though that no children means no grandchildren either, and so it goes on. I can't keep grieving over it though, and when ones peers are too old to get pregnant, it eases it somewhat.

Hubby and I are childless. Not by choice. I'm okay talking about it.
We'd have loved to have had children of our own, instead we enjoy our nieces and nephews, god daughter, great nieces and great nephew.
The difficulty I have is when mother's bewail the actions of their children and wish they didn't have them.
I'd have loved to have shown a wee thing all the wonders of the world.

Our eldest daughter now 40y & her partner have chosen not to have children. I read somewhere last week that these couples like to be termed ‘child free’ as ‘childless’ infers a loss & for some it isn’t.

I have one married son who has no children, and I have never felt that I could ask if it was their choice or they were having difficulties. He has told his siblings (but not us) that he is considering adopting children with a troubled backgrounds, which worries me a bit as I have seen this go so wrong in others. Oviously we would love any new grandchild in the same way as the others. I don't know if this is because they feel the world is overpopulated already (they are very ecology conscious) or that they can't, and don't know how to broach the subject! Or should I just keep quiet?

Do you have to respond Silverlining in this situation? Perhaps it is better to wait and see if they volunteer more information! My eldest daughter doesn’t have children. She always says she never met anyone that she wanted to have a family with. Now she is married to a lovely man who has grown up children. As her brother and two sisters have children she is a fabulous auntie! Their farm is the favourite place for everyone to visit. We have fabulous Christmases there. They breed labradors have visitors all the time and are happy and fulfilled. I think it is more difficult when those who really want children haven’t been successful. Perhaps people should not be so intrusive with their questions! How we choose to live our lives is personal.

My daughter in her 40s is childless. She had a bad relationship in her twenties and then never met anyone she wanted to settle down with. She considered having a baby on her own using donated sperm but then decided she would struggle to support it on her own and opted for a single life that she enjoys. However she is now pre- menopausal and , to be honest, it breaks my heart to see her entering that phase of life without children and without a partner.

My friend is childless but has recently become foster gran to a single parent.She gets a lot out of this and in turn single dad does jobs around house and drives her to hospital appointments.

DH was always nosey and never tactful. I cringed when he met anyone new and started asking personal questions. I knew one woman was on her last possible session of IVF which had not worked. When he met her for the first time, he said, 'You're looking well — are you pregnant?' He thought it was perfectly OK as a conversation starter. Even when I explained afterwards why she dashed away looking upset, he couldn't understand what was wrong with the question. And yes, repeated it with other women later.

Hearing all the Me-Too responses from men about 'banter' took me back to the many inappropriate remarks DH defended as 'banter', or 'meant as a joke'. In the end I would not go out with him socially because of the way he would shout at me if I tried to steer a conversation away from a minefield.

Is it a lack of sensitivity, or they just can't imagine how anything they say could ever be inappropriate? Maybe it was a generational thing. He was much older than me. Certainly didn't want to learn.

I'm with OldWoman70 on this.

It's have wonderful nephews, nieces and grand nephews and nieces but they live many miles away. One grown up nephew is like a wonderful friend to me who'd do anything for me.

I',m child-free by definite choice and when I was much younger people would insist on telling me "you'll change your mind!"

But I didn't - nevertheless, once I'd rattled through the menopause and came out the other side still quite child-free the very same know-all tw*ts insisted on telling me "well, it's too late now to change your mind, eh?"

You.Cannot.Win.

(PS: I was actually asked "but if you don't have at least one, who's going to take care of your when you get old?" I doubt there is a more selfish and almost criminal reason for bringing a child into the world, than simply to serve as an 'insurance policy' for someone's old age.........beggars belief.)

Margs I so agree with you - I have had the "whose going to look after you in your old age" comment as well. The sad thing is that the person who said it has no contact with her children and grandchildren, through her own actions.

Kircubbin, what a lovely idea! As a single parent myself for many years and living a long way away from my family it would have been lovely to have had a step gran.

I would never dream about probing into why people are 'childfree' but it makes one realise what a usual conversation opener it is to ask about children. A childfree friend said she gets fed up with it being the main topic of conversation within a group of women.

My sister found that simply replying, “No,do you?” immediately turned the conversation so that the other person talked about their children instead.

But why would anybody open a conversation with that question? There must be a million more interesting things to talk about?

Personally I always avoid anyone who starts with do you have grandchildren? I know they are going to bore the socks off me !

I had a daughter when just 16 but health problems meant I had to have a full hysterectomy in my late 20's and I often wish things had been different as my partner of the last 25+ years would make a wonderful dad - he is brilliant with any kids that visit, keen to share his many hobbies and skills and has the right amount of patience, understanding and fun - I'm OK with him telling people why we haven't been able to have kids together but he still answers questions in a way that shields me from being 'blamed'. If we ever came into lots of money and had a bigger house I think he would like to foster or adopt - and in the past we have discussed all sorts of options including surrogacy. People can be bloody intrusive, so polite 'mind your own business' responses are also an option.

My lovely d never wanted children. I wasn’t worried about it one bit and my husband wasn’t either.
One very nasty person said she wasn’t fulfilled because she had never had children.
She was in a relationship for 17 years, that ended very badly and my d was so glad she hadn’t had a child anyway because the thought of that person having to;share care was something she felt strongly about. She is happy and a guardian to her niece along with us. She has seen her grow into a beautiful young girl.

We have no children. I have never wanted children, am not interested in anything about children. However, when we got married (and i was 39 and 3/4!!) we did discuss whether we might like a child - if I could see myself having a child with anyone, it would be with him, and given my age, it would need to be pretty soon - and decided to see if it happened. It didn't. And actually I am very relieved. I know that with the right person to channel his interests, my husband would be an excellent (if lazy) father, but he does not miss or want a child, he says. I have learned about myself that it is him that I love, and children would be rivals for his time and love, and i would resent them. So it is both by choice and circumstance. What I do hate is that the 'bechilded' expect me to be interested in their offspring and their every word, thought and deed. I am not. Many of us are not. If you have children/grandchildren you are invested, and really have to find them charming and interesting etc. We who have no resources bound up with procreation have no such requirement. I don't expect that there will be no talk about kids whatsoever, but i won't pretend an interest I do not have.

It is absolutely no-one else's business , but I can't help feeling sorry for those without children and grandchildren.

We know several couples who had two children, but will never have any grandchildren, and I count my blessings when I think about the joy that our wee ones have brought to our lives.