How much more of this can I cope with

They're adults. They need to sort out their own issues. If they can't get along you can see them separately.

I understand wanting family harmony. But they're not children anymore.

Hi thank you for all your kind words. Myself and partner raised them both from being quite young so have always thought of them as being ours. I just feel like I'm constantly acting as peacekeeper between them and I can't do it anymore. We always do the visiting and they don't live far away but rarely visit us. I guess I'm finally coming to realise it's time to put myself first for a change. Partner always says I do too much for them. I just get so upset as he has been a brilliant father too But right now we can't even manage a family meal together. On the money front they have now been made aware that it's stopping here. I have been out all day on a beautiful sunny day and I do feel a little better. Just being able to vent has helped. X thank you all.

“Tune them out” - hear hear! It’s awful that you’re on the verge of tears all the time.

If they don’t live with you, and they don’t visit you ( you say they never visit) and only call if they need something which I presume is not regularly why are you involved or worrying at all
Are you sure there’s not other things making you upset, they re not your kids they don’t seem to be in your face all the time so what’s upsetting you ? If they don’t talk to each other why would that bother it’s the money thing and they are asking their dad that’s between him and them unless it’s a joint money
Are you the sort of person that wants everyone to be kind and loving to each other, that’s a wonderful ideal but rarely happens, accept they aren’t lovely to each other and worry about real things like where you’re going to go out to lunch with your partner ..... forget others problems

Applegran Such wise words! You deserve a hug!

SJ what does your OH say about all this?

All the good advice to put your foot down hard, which I heartily agree with is not a blind bit of use to you if your OH doesn't agree, is it?

Whatever OH says, tell these grown-up BRATS that you don't want all the details of their quarrels with each other, which are no concern of yours. You can't do anything about the way they carry on with each other, can you?

sj I am so sorry! I am concerned that you feel like crying all the time. That is a horrible way to feel. This is obviously a worse problem than it sounds, since, like Old Meg, I thought if they don't visit that's a good thing! But clearly for you to feel so unhappy there is more going on. Is it possible to talk about it with your Partner? What about his DDs' mother? Is she able to take some of the burden or would she make it worse?

I want to say 'let them get on with it' but I suspect this is too flippant because you wouldn't be writing if that were possible. I think talking to your P might help. I also think if you are crying of feeling near tears a lot, it is worth seeing your GP and talking it over. It's so hard to cope with anything, let alone difficult people when you are depressed.

We do have an expectation that these are Golden years, but no one tells us about difficult adult children, so don't get upset about your life because it is quite normal in that respect. I mean, to have problems with our offspring when we are retired is not unusual, it happens a lot. I think our generation is less inclined to protect ourselves and put ourselves first compared with the younger generation. Maybe your P could start saying not this time to the money requests? Unless it is an emergency. Maybe the children have become spoilt and he is a bit scared of losing them? He is in a divorce situation regarding his daughters, I assume? It might be very hard for him, he could feel a bit scared of them. But he needs to attend to you and I think it would be good if you gently got him to see you are feeling so sad about this situation that it is affecting you all the time. Ask him for some loving support and help. I know it's not an English man's gift (if he's English) but he might be glad you trust him enough to ask.
I do hope something will change to alter the dynamics and things will get brighter soon. Please tell us how you get on. Lots of love, L

If inlaws only visited me when they wanted something then I'm afraid they wouldn't be encouraged to visit ever again. It means they have no respect, I'm afraid. If they didn't get on with each other, it would not be my problem to try and solve either.

Are you married to your OH?
If you have joint finances, do you have a say as to the lending of money to these selfish brats?
I'd put a stop to that, if I were you and ignore their sibling squabbles and petty fights.
If they're old enough to be married, then they're old enough to sort out their budgets and manage on their own.
If you set a precedent by giving away your hard earned...then you've made a rod for your own back.
Put your foot down, HARD.

Sj - if you feel like crying all the time, it may be that you aredipping your toes into depression - and it would be worth finding someone to listen to you. I understand the awfulness of the situation, but know I've had an awful situation in my life and finally realised I also had depression. I now know that they were separate things and dealing with the depression made me able to deal with the awful situation better. So I wonder if you'd consider looking for a counsellor? It really could help. I also found that getting out of the house and going for walks helped a lot - and there is evidence that exercise, especially out of doors, can lift our mood.

You can't force people to like each other or get on. Probably better for them not to speak than to turn up at the same events and bicker. It can be quite annoying when people try to be a peacemaker if you have decided that you don't want anything to do with someone so I think you just have to accept that but try to avoid being a sounding board.
Next time they ask for money, could you say not flatly say 'you only visit when you want money'? If not, just say that you are hard up yourselves at the moment (although it is difficult if they are your partner's children and you really have to be led by him to a large extent).
It seems like a perennial problem.

Something for your partner to deal with or you will just be labelled the wicked stepmother ! I personally wouldn’t tolerate it, they need to grow up. My friend had this scenario with her stepchildren. She banned them from the house until they learnt to show some respect and stop continuously arguing, it was dragging them both down. It took a while to sink in, but soon peace and harmony reigned ! At least it made them stop and think about others.

"Tune them out" indeed! - life is just tool short for all this.

sj easy to say I know but don't let them spoil your golden years and stop giving them money. I agree with Willow they're adults and need to learn to manage their own lives which includes their income.

How does your partner feel about this - is he being pig in the middle and having to mediate between them all? Is it causing a rift between the two of you or is he just as fed up as you with them? If so I'd be inclined to let them get on with it and keep a neutral stance - their lives, their mess. As for only visiting when they want money don't let them get away with it - unless it's a dire emergency they are adults and should learn to act like it - running home to Daddy telling tales on each other is childish behaviour! Plan to do something nice with your partner and get out and enjoy yourselves without worrying about his offspring!

Don’t let this get to you. They never visit so that’s great! Out of sight out of mind. Tune them out.