How do you handle your ex in company

My ex lives abroad and has not remarried. We meet up at a hotel twice a year for a weekend, together with our children and he still remembers birthdays and 'our' anniversary by sending cards, flowers and gifts. We get on well but I don't take my OH as he doesn't live with me anyway. He has no objections and never quizzes me about it. We're all adults and life moves on.

I can empathise with ooonana as I'm in a similar situation. He's 70 this year, I'm 73 and we were married for 30 years until I divorced him 16 years ago. He was continually unfaithful even leaving me and our young daughter abroad when I was pregnant with our son. He was always controlling, manipulative and emotionally abusive. He needed a mother, not a wife, his behaviour was totally inappropriate and had no boundaries. His parents always admitted they couldn't cope with him so sent him to boarding school where the damage was compounded and he never learnt how to treat other human beings with consideration, kindness and respect. Despite all his flaws and the deep hurt I felt, and still feel, from his appalling behaviour, we reunited for several years and I finally left almost 18 months ago and moved 360 miles away to get some peace and space. He was on a dating site before I walked out the front door and sent me regular updates on his life, phoning, emailing and texting. I eventually had to ask our two adult children to intervene and tell him to leave me in peace. He just couldn't accept that I didn't want any contact. Now I've moved back to the town where we've lived for almost 20 years and which we've both come to regard as home. He tells me he has undertaken much self-reflection and is now happy and content with his life. He wants to meet to discuss how we can 'co-exist in the same town and move towards a progressive and productive relationship!' I've agreed to meet him next week but I don't think his attitude towards me will have changed. I'm not even sure I should be meeting him but I know we'll bump into each other at shared activities so I don't want there to be any tension or embarrassment. Jaycee5 is so right - controlling people always do want to remain friends.

Nanny27.....I am a bit like your ex. But I have not remarried. Hence I feel very awkward when I see my ex and his wife

I do agree with Legs55 that circumstances and the nature of ones ex make a difference. I recently attended the happy 30th birthday lunch for my middle son, whose father (my second husband) I find it difficult to even be in the same room as ...HOWEVER...such occasions are not about me, or even the ex and as I found myself having to sit opposite him and his wife I exchanged a couple of polite words with him and spent the whole time talking to his wife, which was fine. My first XH and I get along fine...we share childminding, attend family 'do's' together and there is no acrimony - we are like 'family' without being close, which works well for everyone. I wish that it were easier with the 2nd XH, for the sake of our sons, if nothing else, however his love affair with the bottle wrecked so much and hurt so many people whom I love, notably all my children - his included, that I find it difficult to be anything more than polite, when we attend family functions. I wish that I could forgive and forget, but it's very hard indeed, even though the youngest two boys, now 28 and 30 and I left him 12 years ago. Alcohol dependency casts a long shadow.

My 1st (tight and controlling) ex, I see now and again as we have 3 AC. I just keep things as brief as poss as when he starts drinking he reminds me that everyone is here today because of US ! He contributes nothing, drinks all he can if it’s free and then his subdued 2nd wife then drives him home. I resist the urge to remind him that I left him once because after we married he said he had changed his mind and now didn’t want kids ! So any family gathering is purely down to me not him ! So i would highly recommend as little contact as poss for you ooonana, just in case any long buried angst rises to the surface !

My only real experience is of dealing with DH's ex-wife, we met first of all at a family Christening soon after DH & I got together. His ex was there with her new partner, DH's S & DD were there as was his ex-FiL (who I had met prior to the Christening).

We all became good friends, after all there were two children (16 & 19) from that Marriage. Met frequently at family & friends Celebrations. Were all at DD's Wedding & on the top table. DH & I hosted Boxing Day for several years, DH's ex & her H were always welcome, that may have been difficult for her as we lived in the Family home.

I think the circumstances & the nature of your ex makes a difference in how you handle it. As others said keep it light & keep contact to a minimum

It does help if you have someone with you-a friend or family member you are close to. They can be there for you to turn to after a brief hello and a short chat. Especially if he has his new partner with him and you have to be introduced, you can then introduce your companion. I always think exes behave better in company anyway.

I so wish this could be the case for me. I was married for 26 years. We share 3 beautiful adult children and 7 grandchildren. We are both happily re-married. He refuses to attend any event that he thinks I will so risking deep unhappiness at weddings, christenings etc. He will have nothing whatever to do with me making an extremely awkward situation for our children. The grandchildren barely know him. Why oh why c an he not move on and be pleasant. So sad.

Controlling people always want to remain friends.
I agree with people who are saying keep it light and general. Also don't interact more than you have to but don't avoid events because he will be there. Grit your teeth the first time and pat yourself on the back when you get through it.

Keep it light and general - as others have said. Just day how d'you do and then move on. Say hello to his new partner if she is with him too. If you don't have any children together it should be fairly easy since you don't have any "deep and meaningful" issues between you. Seeing each other socially, with others present, should be pretty painless.

I was married for 30 years, had two children with him, left him 15 years ago. I see him once a year at Christmas when my daughter invites everyone over. I keep it light and friendly, say hello to his partner, then talk to other people. After the first time it gets easier .

Always be dignified and polite.

Ignoring them makes them think you still have feelings for them and boosts their ego.

Mind you I'm a right @%€$# and the last time I saw my cheating ex was in a crowded bar and he was all puffed up with his massive ego expecting me to collapse in s heap and cry at the sight of him but I waved and came over and said Hi in front of his golf chums then whipped out a tissue and swiped his nose as if something was there and declared loudly, "oh dear I wonder how long THAT was there!". His ego deflated and his friends laughing at him as I sashayed off!

Wish I could be like Grannygravy and Willow's d.i.l's parents.....
however, the partners concerned have remarried ...in my case my ex husband has married the woman he left me for and I am on my own.....hence the difficult situation. I hate attending family functions because of this.

My Dil's parents were divorced when I met them but they are the best of friends and even came over here together on holiday one Christmas and then again for the wedding a year later. Neither has remarried and now sadly she has gone into sheltered housing as she has been diagnosed with dementia. I've only ever seen them getting along together like an old married couple. I think just being yourself and talking about mutual family will get you through.

That’s a lovely story GrannyGravy13

Keep it simple as Florence says, polite chit chat then move on. It will be easier as time goes on.

See my 1st husband frequently, although I have been with my 2nd husband for 35 years. We have our beautiful son and his family in common. As far as I am concerned we have something to celebrate seeing this family flourish. I was set a good example by my Mum and Dad who divorced when I was 6 but by the time I was married with children we would all spend New Years together, Dad and my Step Mum, Mum and Step Dad, Husband (2) and myself and our combined children. Making some magical and often comical memories (my Paternal Gran had dementia and caused many hilarious moments getting the relationships confused). It was just so comforting having my family together. Ex and present husband get on ok, it is water under the bridge etc etc.

A simple 'hello, how are you? Enjoying this lovely weather?/keeping well?/how are the grandchildren? Etc. I'd keep it to pleasantries only and move swiftly on!