Potentailly awkward birthday party

sorry I dont see any attempt at healing a rift in an invitation?

OP from your opening sentence you sound full of apprehension. Trust your gut and politely decline.

I won't allow myself to be offended by other people. I take the attitude that we are all individuals and it is up to each person to behave the way they see fit. I know what I consider as a proper way to behave, and am not prepared to lower myself to other people's standards!!! I normally seem to get on with everyone. I had a neighbour years ago who decided not to talk to me and I noticed she would pretend she hadn't seen me. However, I just carried on as if nothing had ever happened. We came face to face following the death of my husband when I called at her house to give the news to her husband. I just spoke to her as I had in the past, and our relationship returned to how it had previously been, just as if her silence had never happened! It caused me a certain amount of personal amusement.

My son and his wife had fallen out with me in the year of my daughter’s wedding. He wrote to me that we were not to speak on that day. Seems crazy now and I still don’t know what it was all about. Would I have boycotted my daughter’s wedding because of it? No way!

So decide what is more important, the overall event, or this feud, which may have been forgotten by the other people by now.
Do what you really want to do and enjoy whatever you decide.

Nanah67
Osterized
That made me laugh ( in a kindly way)
Shhh...it's ostracised.

My father always told me..you can please some of the people some of the time but not all of the people all the time..so just please yourself..do not travel if uncomfortable and you should not stress..I recently had to attend two family funerals and one member of our family had totally osterzied me..my siblings all embraced me realized it was not me causing this trouble..I have spent 12 years in the wilderness ..hold tight and make sure you are content

Muddled sisters! Was unable to go to elder twin's wedding party. Not invited to the Wedding of dear niece with whom I have the dispute My sister was the one that was incandescent with rage. Still with me?
The remark was a throwaway line - "Oh well I will sleep in the car". DN having told me that even I was not welcome to stay in her house if she was not there. what she did not know was that I had converted one of my cars into a traveling bed on one of my tours of Ireland some years before. She mistook my comment as emotional blackmail so that I could persuade her to change her mind. Nothing of the sort. But several attempts to explain; apologise; make it right, has resulted in complete failure.
I will be wrapping all this problem into a metaphorical golden blue cloth and handing it over to a higher authority! Many thanks again. You are right Blue 60.

I found myself in a similar position. I had fallen out with my niece, so my brother and sil did not speak to me either for a year. My nephew invited me to his wedding (niece's brother), and I didn't know what to do.

Afetr much thought and speaking to friends, I decided to go, although I felt VERY awkward.

Turned out to be a fantastic day; my sil was happy to see me, as was my brother, although I hid when photos were being taken. My niece came up to me me (she was bridesmaid) and spoke to me as nothing had happened. I was relieved.

Following the lunch, I approached my niece, put my arms around her and said 'Can we just forget our argument?' 'Of course!' she said.

So it may just be that this will be an opportunity to become friends again, even though you feel anxious (as I did).

I would take the opportunity to go. You may not get another one. xx

I m getting muddled now many sisters are you talking about and who was a bride
You say you couldn’t attend sister s wedding and was torn to pieces by sister because you didn’t let the bride know till last minute Are you talking about two different sisters ?

I had a similar situation with SiL some years ago that lasted for 10 years! We managed to go to a family wedding and avoid each other but when our DD got engaged I decided to be the grown up (SiL is much older than me!) and wrote a letter to her about the whole sorry situation and suggesting that whoever was right or wrong we should put the past behind us. so silvercollie why don't you write, you don't need to apologise if you feel you aren't in the wrong (you don't say what the 'innocuous banter remark' was) just suggest that you both move on

If it were me, I simply wouldn't go! I'd have something nice delivered to the BIL, and ring him the day after the party, possibly. Don't stress yourself out about it all -it's not worth all the upset

I'm having to make a two hour train journey with my DS who I have had a very shaky relationship with over the last 5 years. We generally handle things by neither of us commenting about the past and it usually helps if I agree with every thing she says. In between forced meetings (this time for a funeral) we don't contact each other unless it concerns our AC. I'm sure it will be ok with your niece too, don't apologise, don't even acknowledge it and you will both come out unscathed.

Thank you all for your very helpful suggestions. My DS and BIL live in France and are traveling over for the party. So no chance of 1:1.
A few years back I was not able to attend older DS Wedding party - was not invited to the ceremony - and my DS ripped me to pieces because I only let the Bride know the day before. Had severe heart problems at the time and could not face either journey or function, but held on until the last minute to see how I felt. DS was convinced I was being petulant! I was waiting to have stents in my hart at the time but she would not listen.
Um, not an invitation, it is a summons. DS is made that way!
I have two dogs that have to be kenneled too, so the whole weekend is costing me a fortune - but hey!
Smile on face, lots of Rescue Remedy and away to go. Just as well I am used to the long distance driving of my younger years.

One thing I have noticed in your post you don’t say you ve been out of contact for five years just that the problem has never been resolved ( for you that is) if you have had contact over the five years I think this is all about you holding on to this ‘ problem’ which they may have totally forgotten by now
Either way it’s an opportunity to put everything under the carpet and forget about it totally Some things never do have answers
enjoy your party

Ask yourself, how would you have honestly felt if you found out about this event, but had not been invited? Would you have been hurt or relieved? Are you happy to go through your life without seeing them again? If so, make excuses and don't go.

They are giving you a great chance here to let bygones be bygones. It's lovely that you are being included at the celebrations for your BIL, a warm and happy family event. This is an ideal opportunity to reconnect. There will be a crowd of you, you can just say hello to the niece and not much more. I certainly would not mention the past problems.

I agree that I would book a night before and after the journey so it is less stressful travelling. Think of some nice things to say in a toast to the BIL, and try to forget what's gone before.

Two issues really in this post: families and driving for 120 miles.

1. I would think at least twice before driving 120 miles there - and back - on my own. I stop every half hour now on a 60 mile trip and I’m quite a bit younger than you. Can you go by train or coach. Or stop overnight there and back?

2. Families! Don’t bang on to your niece or your brother, etc, about what you may have said a million years ago, they didn’t listen to your point of view then and they almost certainly won’t listen now ..... they clearly don’t want to talk about ‘it’, so don’t talk about ‘it’.

One of my former colleagues would ‘have things out’ with her relatives and it normally ended VERY badly. Can end up being very confrontational and unpleasant and you will be on your own, a loooong way from home!

As Penn and Teller say (misquoting Lewis Carroll, I believe) ‘Never apologise and never explain’.

3. My view is to make a very VERY diplomatic excuse, clashing weekends etc, and meet your brother another time. Do something lovely with your friends that day instead.

Hope all resolves well. ?

Go: otherwise you'll be wondering "what if", and that would be worse than not going.
However, go prepared. Have a couple of anecdotes nicely rehearsed for when you're mingling and chatting. Have a couple of future plans or projects to discuss - to show you do know how to look forward. Have a couple of opening questions ready for genial discussion, such as, "Can you recommend a good website for holiday bookings?" If you're a member of a club or choir or such, practise talking about it in an interesting way.
The trick is to look upon this event you're going to as a job interview - you have this opportunity to show them that, despite any hiccups in the past, you're really a normal, kind person who would be mortified if they thought they'd upset someone else.

I agree with much of what's already been said. IMO the invitation is an olive branch to heal past differences. Let bygones be bygones. Find a stress free way to travel that doesn't involve driving yourself. Make a short break out of it by stopping over enroute. Be pleasant with everyone at the party and lunch. Don't mention past differences and don't be drawn into any discussion about it if others bring it up, just say the past belongs in the past and you're very happy to have been invited and to celebrate the occasion.

I would take the train option and the overnight stay to remove as much stress as possible or, if driving, break it up into three or four shorter hops with a break in between. There will be other people there that you can talk to and engage with, and if your DN persists in this rather unkind behaviour and unwillingness to realise that we are all marching hand in hand towards the grave and might as well be kind to each other, then so be it. You can adopt a good positive attitude - the only string we have to play when others are being silly and awkward - and let her get on with it. I hope you have a lovely time.

How do you come to judge the sister as ‘bossy’ Bridgid all she did was suggest it was not a good idea to drive 100 miles to go over all the old ground Reading between the lines I wonder if Silvers anxiety makes her perhaps go on and on like a dog with a bone trying to analyse, apologise, discuss and reason the niece had made it clear she didn’t want to go over it and her mum said no way to driving 100 miles to try and sort it and I would have said the same The absolute best thing in some disagreements is to let them die a natural death that really doesn’t make the sister bossy
Of course Silver must do what’s comfortable but she came on here for some ideas and advice and most people seem to think it’s the olive branch she’s been waiting for
To spurn it would b evsuch a waste

I puzzled over that too! in the end I decided OP meant that her sister had twin children of which the younger she ( the OP) was formerly close to

Do you want to go? It's only one occasion and you would not be falling out with anyone by not attending. As it's your BIL'S birthday the issue would have been if you were NOT invited. I don't see it as an olive branch.
Forget your bossy DS if you'd be sorry to miss it go but not worth angst if you don't really care. A lovely card with thoughtful msg and an Amazon voucher/similar would be good. Or organise something via venue in your absence, e.g. champagne, other for meal

I think I would use the long drive as a reason for not going. Presumably they know you are nervous of doing this and it is unkind to expect it.
I cant help with the other problem, but send you sincere sympathy as have had a similar problem for five years with my grand daughter who I upset, and she wont speak to me or allow explanation. She has a daughter -my great grand daughter who is now 7 and I have not seen since she was 2. So my heart goes out to you in your similar circumstance.

Grampie
I can't believe you said that.
Ask niece to whom she hasn't spoken for more than 5 years, to drive over 100 miles to collect her and drive 100+ miles to take the OP home then drive herself 100+ miles back to her own home.
Incredible thinking.

It sounds like your ds would have discussed with dn about inviting you before she did so. Dn has probably realised she acted badly but is too embarrassed to say so. She probably wants to heal the rift without losing face and recognises you are getting older and wants to make peace with you. I would travel down by train the day before and stay in travel inn/lodge and get taxi from station. I would attend event and be in good mood, say hello to niece and smile and hopefully she will reciprocate. I would not mention the past but keep conversation in the here and now. I would stay a second night in Travel inn/lodge and attend dinner the next day. Then catch train back home. If you think it is all too much to lunch and then train back on same day I would stay a third night and treat it as a little holiday. I am sure you would not have been invited if your dn objected. Do not be on the defensive and be prepared to let sleeping dogs lie. Have a lovely time.

Kim19
??

I now realise that the OP meant (should have written) that it was the younger of her DS's twin daughters but even that makes little sense as there could only be a few hours max between them and their ages are of no consequence.