In shock

As a foster mother I can be sure that your DIL was just letting of steam (inappropriately, I know) and will not know how to meet you again.
Don't let his fester. You have done the right thing. Now just keep going and let it drift into the past.

Very wise, MOnica! Beautifully put!!

Nanawind, you have done the right thing, probably your DiL is unhappy as you and convinced that by her behaviour she has proved to everybody how worthless she is.

Have a quiet word with your DS.

I'm glad you reached out to her. Although not drunk, alchohol affects people in different ways and it seems as if it brought out her insecurities.

When you see her, give her a hug and a smile.

Too much to drink and difficult
Childhood (so probably an attachment disorder from what you describe). That will make
her feel unloved and wordless.

In other words it’s not you, it’s her - and a complex situation where her feelings won’t be easy to ‘fix’.

Your dh was right to get you both to leave and your text is very kind. I’m sure sober she will recognise that and feel mortified. I think just keep on doing what you are doing, but also recognise that you haven’t done anything wrong- the damage was done years ago.

It seems that a few drinks loosened her tongue and perhaps , as she is on anti depressants, she was having a particularly bad day and you were unlucky enough to get in the way of the fallout. Sometimes people dredge up supposed grievances to justify what they find themselves saying - a matter from four years ago seems utterly ridiculous - but not when you are slightly tiddly and 'on a roll' . She probably couldn't stop herself once she got going and I speak from bitter experience here having been on the receiving end of a character assassination along with another relative, from one of our cousins. Subsequently she didn't quite apologise but made it clear that her tongue had run away with her and it was all exaggerated and nothing at all. We talked about it and did settle her feelings and things have been fine since. Perhaps all you need here is a bit of time and space, and then a gentle approach; she is probably mortified and also has her depression to deal with too. Not that I am minimising your distress which must have been considerable, but in these affairs someone has to be the grown up and it is clearly you. Good luck.

I have sent Dil and Ds this message "I don't know what that was all about on Sunday but I don't want any bad feelings between us all. I hope dil's name
you understand that we love and care for you as much as Ds and DGC. Love mum X" I've not had a reply yet. Can only hope that I see them after work

gmelon
Son needs some sort of therapy by the sound of it. And where is the boy's mother? Son will never grow up until he gets a home of his own too.

Perhaps you are able to let this pass and realise that she isn't thinking straight at these times. I recounted my experience above to show that these things happen and you're not alone with your problem.
Support her quietly and keep an eye on her mental health, it's all you can do .

I can detect a massive inferiority complex.

I've had this with my son .
He focuses on tiny snippets. that my grandson tells him about random stuff.
My son and grandson live with me, son has 50/50 custody.

He is on antidepressants and drinks a little more alcohol than he should. Usually the outbursts come when my grandson and I have had a particularly nice day together. It's jealousy.My son hasn't grown up and wants to be out with us as if he's another child. Not stuck at work while my grandson and I are together. (Free childcare though! )
I'm glad he lives here because he needs stability.

Every few months he decides that I've been prying into his life via 9yr old grandson. He gets agitated and wants a stand off between me and the 9yr old saying. "I'll get go the bottom of this, are your calling my son a liar?". He demands we three sit face to face so he can stand in prosecution of me calling his son a liar. (Obviously I'm not).
I refuse his selfish demands, clearly my grandson shouldn't be put in such a position.
I don't pry into my sons life, it's an open book, he lives with us so we know most of his activities but we don't ask.

An example of the last problem is my grandson and I briefly touched on how my son had gone away for three days earlier that week.
It was literally a couple of sentences each. My son decided we were gossiping about his life.

He's not rational when he gets like this and all we can do is wait for it to pass. He has contact with his GP and as I said is treated with antidepressants.

His whole view of life is tainted by massive over reactions and he is constantly looking good for drama and proof that we are all against him.

I would give a great deal of rope to someone who was brought up in care and moved around foster homes. There are all kinds of behaviours that people can have which are not what they seem. She may reject people before they reject her; be subconsciously testing you, be self sabotaging. She needs to know that you care about her however she behaves but that you don't like it. Even if she had carers who are kind they would not have been constant and she would also never know if friends she made would always be there. She may well have been bullied at school as children in care often are.
Add drink and you have a strong chance of difficult situations.
I wouldn't go too deeply into what she said. Maybe next time you see her just ask 'are we ok' or some such and give her a hug if you are huggy people.

Nanwind, You say your DiL had difficult childhood. As a result of this childhood, she probably has deep feelings of worthlessness, that no matter how nice you are to her she cannot believe she really deserves it and can only explain your kindness to herself by seeing you as doing it for a purpose - and that is; you are nice to her so that you are able to see your DS and DGD.

Most of the time she keeps those feelings to herself, but alcohol can remove inhibitions and all of a sudden all her feelings of worthlessness spilled out. This belief that you quizzed your DGD; you probably asked her a very innocent question that she mentioned to her mother who immediately misinterpreted as an effort to criticise her.

I write all this, because I know of what I speak. I had a kind, gentle and loving uncle, but he too had had a difficult childhood without love or affection and his feelings of worthlessness were so deep that despite a successful career and happy marriage to a wife who understood his demons, he could never believe that any one could admire anything in him and saw every compliment as thinly veiled criticism. His life was one of constant fear of being revealed as the worthless person he thought he was. Nothing that all the people who knew him and loved him could do or say, could ever change this sense of utter worthlessness.

Your Dil sounds like my uncle. So be kind to your DiL, ignore everything she said. She spoke from her internal misery, rather than with any unkindness to you. Have a quiet word with your DS and tell him you understand the internal causes that led to the outburst and you will forget about it. Have pity one very damaged soul.

I texted son last night to say something was at our house to collect which he'd asked me to get, I put a kiss at the end. All I got in return was a thumbs up. Hopefully he'll come and collect tonight after work.

Sounds as if she’d had a few drinks before arriving and if she’s on antidepressants ...big mistake
I would carry on as normal and say absolutely nothing and just carry on showing her love as you always have She ll either be feeling crap about it or have no rememberence if what you’re talking about
Let it go

She sounds unhappy but rather mardy too.
Maybe have a word with your son and see what he thinks.
Rather inappropriate of her to 'kick off' in front of a 10 year old though.

I think you are right to deal with things in this way Nanawind your daughter in law has her problems and a difficult childhood by the sound of things. However I think she needs to take some responsibility for her words and actions. When things are more settled I would explain how these things hurt you and perhaps she could be more mindful of the feelings of others.

Paddyann every time I see her I give her a hug and kiss goodbye. I have always told her what a great mum she is, we or they phone every couple of days and we speak to both of them. And at least once a week I try to visit if they haven't been to see us. I think I give them space and only go when convenient to them all.
She has done this in a small way last year, we put it behind us and pretended it never happened. They are at work today, don't think I will phone but will send a gentle text message. So hopefully it can again be put to bed.

I agree with the two pp, the poor woman sounds like she is in a very dark place.

I know it can be hard, but try to put your own hurt feelings to one side. Forget about what happened. Tell her you love her, and that you’ll always be there when she needs you.

Hope you all feel better soon

Alcohol and antidepressants are a toxic mix.They make depression worse and anxiety levels soar.I'd have a quiet word with your son and tell him you're worried about his wife and to keep check on her alcohol consumption.Not because you think she has a drink problem but because its a downward spiral that will make her depression much harder to treat.I'd dismiss what she said she's obviously in a very bad place mentally and needs help not criticism .Be the better person here and go give her a cuddle and tell her you love her like a daughter.Sometimes people need to HEAR it

Sounds to me like she just had a bit too much to drink if this is unusual behaviour for her. I would be inclined to just put it behind me and forget about it. People say things they don’t mean when under the influence one reason why I don’t drink.
She may well feel terrible about what she said and not know how to mend things. It’s one of those silly things that can escalate if not nipped in the bud perhaps it’s down to you to ‘let her off the hook’ for everyone’s sake.