How long can this go on

The use of acronyms, especially when posters are talking about an estrangement within their own family are very common. Any one who has ever read any of the threads that run on this subject, and have been doing so for more than 5 years here on GN will be familiar with them.

TBH (to be honest) does it really matter? Is it useful to Namsnanny to have her use of acronyms questioned and criticised when she's clearly in distress and looking for some support?

IMO (in my opinion) there was nothing derogatory in her referring to her D (daughter) as nearly non contact polyester, in the circumstances I thought it rather appropriate; not yet non contact, but nearly.

Namsnanny Just read your post re acronyms - please don't worry about it! I thought you were trying to explain a difficult and painful subject as "neatly" as you could and clearly you were very aware about keeping anonymity, so please don't worry! I liked your AC for Adult Child actually and as for "Nearly" I'm sure most of us could see it was a disguised name for the child who is at the centre of the problems and is so difficult. You, trying to be helpful, gave her a descriptive name for this narrative. People will always react differently, so don't take it to heart. It's more important to look after yourself. This is stressful for you, so take care of yourself.

Nams, forget the NHS. Get the money from somewhere and go private. Value yourself.

DotMH1901 I'm 'sposed to be taking a break, but I just wanted to say that isolating his wife from her family and friends and controlling who she can see is a very dangerous sign of a manipulative and controlling person.
You may think I am over-stressing this but I would rather risk looking silly in order to make sure your daughter is safe and is prepared to look after herself in case the situation is serious.

Your daughter may need to educate herself as to what other "red flags" to look out for in a relationship. She should say no to his not allowing her to see her friends and family. Most of all she cannot accept a life where he controls whom she can see. It is abnormal. But before long she will be making excuses for him and not looking after her own needs. I know this only too well. Being "allowed" by your husband/partner to see one friend but not others is simply not acceptable! It is abuse! She should be free to see anyone she wants, (well obviously within reason - someone always thinks of somebody you wouldn't consider it safe to see!) I would like her to be fully aware that not letting her see her family and friends is wrong, a serious matter. It is not right in a relationship that one person controls the other's ability to see their choice of friends. Does he belittle her or make her feel stupid about her choice of friends by any chance? Some men, while not actually refusing to let their wife see their friends, make it so embarrassing or horrible for them when they do see them, that they stop seeing them anyway.
If she responds "yes" to several of the following, I would strongly urge her to rethink her position in relationship to this man.
For example;
-Is she consistently made to feel guilty, whether she did anything wrong or not?
-Does he show passive aggressiveness such as saying something nice, or helpful, but it makes her feel horrendous?
-Does he say she is crazy? e.g.If she says she doesn't like something he does, does he say "You must be crazy." Does he even say, he's worried that she's crazy or a bit mad or whatever words he uses to doubt her mental capacity/memory/decision making etc.
-Does he often make her feel small and feel like her needs don’t matter?
-Does he twist her words?
-Does he lie?
-Is he distant or emotionally unavailable a lot of the time, so she feels as if she's being pushed away for weeks or even months at a time, but he's unwilling to explain why? Similarly, does he sometimes just not answer her, not talking, giving the silent treatment no matter how hard she tries to get him to respond?
-Does he “punish” her if she gets something wrong or makes a mistake, say by lording the wrongdoing over her, as a form of power?

I found the above examples from the internet although I was a Counsellor and I have lots of books.

On YouTube there are just too many videos about this kind of thing. I think it leads to lots of muddle in finding the right thing. Some people are making videos which are not helpful. But there are some that are good. I think this one by Stephanie Lyn is very good:
youtu.be/logQdS2egeQ
"What is Emotional Abuse? SIGNS you are in an emotionally abusive relationship"
I like a lot of her videos, such as "How to Handle a Manipulative Person" and "How to Distance Yourself from an Emotionally Abusive Person" and "How to set Boundaries with a toxic person" and "Let's talk about boundaries with people".

and I like Dana, I think this one might be appropriate:
"What are Normal Deal Breakers in a Relationship?"
youtu.be/lUEUNiwEF8I
Dana has made a lot of very good videos helping people cope with, mainly, a Narcissistic person, but certainly an emotionally abusive relationship. She is a Mental Health professional.

Please make sure to keep in touch with your daughter at all costs. He might start to brainwash her. She is with him so much, if he is willing to keep her from her family then he is quite likely to be beginning to just wear her down.

I do hope things work out well. Sending love to you and your daughter, L

Bluebelle my " naughty naughty" was an attempt to be lighthearted.
Sadly misplaced.

OP it is slightly uncomfortable to read about somebody named 'nearly' but I understand your reasons.

Polyester, you talk sense to me. We cannot lean on out adult children. Its possibly an uncomfortable process but we could reinvent or at least move on after the children are in their late teens/early 20's.

I agree with Flossie......texting is so much less stressful......I have always been a writer, not a talker, especially with the children. I can talk for hours with friends......isn't that sad?

Namsnanny you are hurting so much and I thought that as you phone every week and she phones back a few days later to refuse or make some excuse, that maybe occasionally just text her, it will be less stressful for you, no small talk and you can be brief, and she will have to think before she replies. Just an idea

what is AC and NCAC? not in list of acronyms?

lemongrove........So true, we do have to get on with it.
If and when it does come to me being cut off completely I'm guessing I will find a way of moving forward. God willing.
For now though, life is uncertain.

Thanks for posting a reply, it really helps

Bluebelle.....Now you've pointed it out, it probably would have been easier to use a name of sorts, I suppose I just got caught up in trying to NOT leave any identifiable traces of my Adult Child who is nearly going No Contact!

Fancy Bunnykins!! not gender biased I don't think, or easily misconstrued [wink grin]

Thanks for your good wishes, I do too!
Have a good week

Azie09....Thanks for the comments,.
Its true I am emotional whilst on this forum. I'm using it to explain my point of view.
I do my utmost to stay calm when speaking to Nearly, and the pressure of doing so for a number of years is taking its toll!! (As you so rightly can tell)
I have spoken to a counsellor about this but unfortunately it didn't seem to help. So I'm waiting for another appointment to start sometime in the autumn, as the NHS have a very long waiting list!
Thank you for taking the time to think of solutions and post them

But namsnan you can use any Christian name under the sun except the right one and it would be much more understandable than ‘nearly’
I only commented on it because I thought it took people away from the real very sad story and was concerned when I started seeing people asking what’s this and what’s that (including me) that your tale would be lost in all the alphabet soup I had absolutely no idea what nearlyNCAC could possibly be and after chewing it over with all sorts of combinations admitted defeat and had to ask

Going back to your post I do sincerely hope it sorts itself out and you can feel better about your situation

I have had no contact with my daughter for 15 years. She is now in her 30's with a teenage child. I have met my gd, but never formed any relationship.

The reasons are complicated and too much to write about here, but what I can say is this. I stepped back after it became obvious that contact was only there as I was seen as a benefactor. Sometimes I wish things could be different, but I know they won't be so I decided that I needed to live my own life without them.

It has worked for me, as I have realised that I didn't want all the stress to continue. I am happy and regret nothing.

It's not easy, but it can be done when you think of yourself for a change. You know the person you are, so don't give any time to what others say or think about you. It takes some practice, but these shoulders of mine have become very broad now.

I hope you can find some peace in life soon, and wish you all the best. xx

About the acronyms.......

First of all let me say how sorry I am that some people were upset by my use of them!!

My reason was anonymity.

How would my Nearly NCAC....(Nearly No Contact Adult Child!!! ) react to find themselves spoken about here?

I HAVE to hope that we might find a way through this, which would surely be compromised if their identity was revealed, if only to themselves??!!

I reduced the annoyance (or so I thought) for the reader of having a long list of letters to plough through by referring to my AC as Nearly for short.

It wasn't meant to be derogatory or demeaning at all in any way! Just a means to an end.

And before its pointed out I'm taking a risk, of course I am, but the isolation and not knowing anything is only adding to the problem.

So I hoped I would get some sort of understanding from others in a similar position....... and I did Thanks to everyone's generosity insightfulness, and all round common sense.

The AC is playing a game with you. Could you stop playing. The outcome will be the same whatever you do. Save yourself the stress and torment. I know you want to see you GC but this situation is not helping you. Take a break from this game playing where the AC is calling all the shots.

Agree 100% with luzdoh. Unless you've experienced people like that its hard to believe such people exist!

We disengaged. Stepped bad. Stopped engaging in the game she was playing.

It's like hitting your head against a brick wall. Nothing will change because they aren't the problem.
You need to look after YOU.

I don’t know why I m naughty naughty Oldbatty and of course language evolved but this isn’t language it’s a lazy form of shorthand
This is a very serious post with a distressing subject but it totally detracts with people needing to ask what things are meaning
I do understand Namsnan that you may not wish to use your daughters real name but it’s very confusing to talk about ‘nearly’ which is not even a noun and polyester thinks you are talking about a male child while I was seeing ‘nearly’ as a grown up daughter
It would be very interesting to hear the story from the other side there may be faults on both sides

My point was that I, personally, do not refer to my nearest and dearest by derogatory knicknames, such as, "nearly".

If Namsnanny wants to keep her anonymity though, polyester, it wouldn’t be a good idea to give her family’s names out on a public forum.

Oh, and I am sorry, but referring to your son (?) throughout as Nearly, I find very disagreeable. My children and their partners have names.

AC is Adult Children. I am only guessing, I don´t like to use these abbreviations.

I think a lot of people use acronyms if they are using a mobile and it is harder to type. I use them because I thought it was the protocol on here.

I can only suggest that Namsnanny gets some professional help for this situation. It is almost impossible for us to determine where or with whom the problem lies. However, what the original post shows is that Namsnanny is extremely distressed by all this and in that situation, it is almost impossible to sort the wood from the trees. Worry usually makes things look insurmountable and very often magnifies problems. If, on the other hand, it is the worst possible scenario, professional help will assist in coming to terms with the inevitable.
I once had a minor spat with my son about breastfeeding when my Grandson was born and he asked me to stop giving his wife advice because everybody was giving conflicting advice. I agreed immediately but suggested a website he might like to look at which gave really good advice. When I recounted the story to my Counsellor she was horrified by my response. In my mind I was backing off, in hers I was continuing. It made me stop and think about how differently we see things. Fortunately my son thought it was a perfectly reasonable response but it could have fired spectacularly with each of us feeling justifiably aggrieved!

What is AC ?

I haven´t read all these posts right through. I am a bit fed up with people moaning about their ACs (from now on only adult children). Adult children have a right to live their lives as they want. I had very little contact with and no help from my parents after I left home. I adore my two adult children more than words can say, yet we have little day to day contact. My daughter and two grandchildren live in a different country, We WhatsApp whenever there is something we want to say, but she works and has a very busy schedule, I don´t expect her to write and ask how I am or thank me for whatever I have done for her, In my book you have children to look after them, not have them to look after you. I don´t expect Mother´s Day cards or anything else in that vein. If she forgets my birthday I put it down to her having a busy life and just having forgotten. Whenever we meet up we have a good old natter and make up for lost time. She knows that I love her to bits and I will have the grandchildren whenever she needs me to look after them. Their other grandmother lives in the same town as them and picks them up from kindergarten twice a week. I am so glad that my daughter has this support which I am not able to give. It would never occur to me to be jealous of the time they spend with their other grandparents, I am glad that they have all these people to love them. My son is still single but lives in a different town, whenever he feels like getting in touch I am here for him with a cooked meal and a bed to sleep in. This is why I became a parent, to give unconditional love and to expect nothing in return

I'm a reluctant member of Parents of Estranged Adult Children..it's a really supportive and helpful group..not a lot we havnt dealt with or experienced. Not a pity party by any means. If you need any support or advise they are incredibly helpful xx.
Hang on in there x