How long can this go on

Very distressing but lots of good advice given already.

I went through a year or two of being almost cut out of my son’s life. Around that time he had got married, then lost his job, then his wife became pregnant then was sacked. I did not know all this at the time, but with hindsight it does explain why he was so off with me.
Fortunately after the child was born he told me he wanted me to be part of her life. His wife’s family always have priority, but nowadays we try, amidst his busy life and my commitments, to fit in time together, often with the younger child too.
I hope this might encourage others to know that sometimes there can be a happy outcome, even if it is not ideal.

Oh how I wish everyone would write my husband my partner my son in law instead of these initials I’m now trying to figure out who AC is... and NCAC.. drives me potty.. it’s so easy to type it in... I understand there’s a rule and somewhere a list but why? Just type the name in... Now I’m going to read your letter.. no disrespect here just me ranting.

Din law has got her way son and grand children not see for 10 years he is spineless. Ihad heart attack in 2006 retired in 2008 have had stroke etc but silence and all I can say is you have to accept it is his life and I pretend I only have one son not 2 and yes I have no grands either it is the only way I can cope As grandparents have no rights Their wedding in 1997 no invite yet had given them 10000 for gift as had sold home but no thanks yes I was a fool. Finally all I can say is you are not alone

Thank you pensionpat ?

lemongrove Gaslighting is from the old film of that name. It means constantly undermining someone in clever ways that makes them start to doubt their view of themselves. My sister is an expert at it. It is not something that can be fought because they will deny they are doing it or say that you are over sensitive. It is surprising how many different ways of criticising people there are. It is often done subtly or faux helpfully so anyone overhearing will not necessarily recognise it. The main point is that it is constant and relentless and will particularly be done if you are feeling happy about something so your bubble is burst.

Gaslighting I think means ‘manipulating ‘

I think sadly it’s time to try to let it all go even if just for a little while, I feel for you for the distress this will cause you , but at least you will be in control & not waiting around for communication to happen
Perhaps immerse yourself in something else . Helping others volunteering etc . good luck

I agree with Bluebelle - I'm sorry, I can tell you are in pain over something but I cannot for the life of me understand what all the abbreviations are.

Is it possible that your daughter’s partner is controlling? I know that it’s nearly impossible to keep contact in cases of control/abuse.

I cant begin to understand this situation but my gut is saying back off and get some professional help ie counselling. Pay for it and try and get some understanding into what is going on here.

God knows what has gone on to cause this situation but I feel you need some perspective.

What is gaslighting?
I feel sorry for the OP and all I can say is that I would not play anyone’s ‘games’ even if it meant not seeing DGC.
To cut family out of ‘the family loop’ is cruel, especially with no good reason, but we only have this one life and sometimes we must have to get on with it regardless.

Adult child Annie.

Sorry but what is an AC?

Namsnannyto an outsider reading your post, it appears that something has happened and it seems that you don't know what that might be. However, you have been consulting your other ACs and the aunts and uncles so you have been doing a bit of talking to others that might have got back to your daughter and worsened the situation.

If you can honestly say that you have not been unpleasant then a few things are possible - your daughter might sincerely be horribly busy, they are these days, and parents demanding attention add to the stress. Something might have happened that she can't talk to you about - a marital crisis, a health concern, etc. Could she have been unhappy or depressed and /or been having counselling which has brought up things from the past which she is angry about? Could it be just that, in a busy life, your ACs get more out of each other's company and support each other to the exclusion of us? A little hard to accept but they are adults living very different lives after all.

I don't mean to be unsympathetic but you sound distressed and thus somewhat blaming and defensive. You need to find a way of calming yourself and taking a step back because the way you have expressed the situation is full of an emotional tangle that would make most ACs run a mile. Can you speak to your GP, a counsellor who will help you consider alternatives and perhaps find a way to contact your daughter and ask for a calm discussion of how you feel things have changed.

Some time ago now, we had a problem with our oldest daughter. She had been depressed and having counselling and was upset about things from the past that were a surprise to us. It took at least a year to sort out and we had to learn that her perceptions and feelings were hers and we must accept them without arguing. It wasn't easy but the poem by the Prophet with the lines 'your children are not your children, they are the sons and daughters of life's longing for itself......' became very pertinent.
I know how hurt you must feel, this situation may be a panic on your part and may be nothing more than ACs growing and life changing, but do see if you can find someone impartial to listen and help you. Wishing you all the best.

Bluebell Nearly NCAC means nearly non contact adult child. "A sane person doesn't wake up one day and think I'm going to anhilate all older relations from my life". Well sometimes they do and it usually begins with the parent(s). It's what our son's done and as confused and bewildered as we, our family and friends are, none of us have questioned his sanity.

Namsnannythe only thing wrong with your OP is that you're being treated this way; I'm so very sorry.

We've been estranged for more than 5.5 years and the period of 'nearly NC' was horrific; thankfully it didn't go on for too long before the final cut out.

It's like waiting for the ax to fall and there are no words to explain the devastating effect it has on your life. We didn't see our eldest GC from 8 months and have never seen the youngest. We never really experienced what being a GP was like so for us, eventually losing them was perhaps not as bad as it could have been.

Our other son is in touch with his brother but not regularly. He's in Aus. but when he comes back to the UK and goes to see his brother we do find it hard, knowing that he's seeing his nephews, our GC and we aren't able too.

It may be an idea to speak to your other AC and tell them you understand them visiting their sibling, you're glad that they do but are concerned that they don't seem to be in as much contact with you as they used to be.

Thankfully we didn't experience that with our DS but there was a time when our relationship was very strained and we felt that his brother and his wife were damaging or relationship with him.

About 3 years he told me that I was never to worry that he'd do to us what his brother has done. I told him that there'd been a time when we thought we'd lose him too and he said "yes I know mum" so he was aware of the game they were playing.

It's good of course that they still have their relationship especially as he's the only member of the family ES will have anything to do with.

Walking on eggshells is not the way to live. Trying to be civil to those running you down behind your back is very stressful as is worrying about the effect this may be having on your other AC. I say this from experience.

Where there is, even the smallest amount of contact there is hope. Not something I do have experience of but I'm sure it's true.

So all you can do is keep trying to make arrangements to see your GC in the hope that the visits continue.

You say you are "fast becoming accepting of this state of affairs"which is unbelievably hard but the only option we have.

There is a thread of support for parents and GP's living with estrangement where us regulars have experienced all that you are going through so it might be useful for you to take a look.

Take care.

I ve got to admit defeat here I ve no idea what Nearly NCAC means so it’s hard to make sense of it
I can see how distressed you are and I realise you need to use different names for anonymity but this is too cryptic for my brain, acronyms are a pain
I read it that you you have a number of adult children who all get along well but one has got very upset with you and is pulling away The main thing is you don’t know what you ve done to upset her and feel she is railroading you into not seeing your grandchild and turning the others against you is that the gist of it ?
These situations are so distressing, I don’t know your back story so it’s bit of guessing and trying to understand

If the aunts and uncles don’t get a look in either she seems to be locking the older generation out so something must have happened for this to be, a sane person doesn’t wake up one day and think I m going to anhilate all older relations from my life and if your other children are caring of you why are they colluding with her to push you out
I m sorry I can’t be more supportive I ve read through your post about three times but still find it hard to understand

agnurse........I think I was being objective!!?! Well, at least factual.
Maybe its one of those situations that you have to experience to understand it.
Or maybe I didn't explain it in a way that you could understand! My post was long!!

Its not necessarily the AMOUNT of meetings that really matters, its the effort put in by Nearly to elongate the time between visits that points to a plan of eventual NC.

Also its cruel and cowardly.

To continually lead someone to believe something only to let them down isn't the way normal people with normal relationships behave.

Nearly has been invited home many many times but never m es it.

Inlaws and friends visit Nearly whenever they want to, without even calling before hand.
That would lead me to think Nearly isn't particularly busy.
Obviously life brings day to day obligations, but there is evidence of enough time in Nearlys life to accommodate a visit or two with us if they wanted to.

I get the impression you don't like loose ends!!
Is it possible you like things to have a logical reasoning behind them?
Well, me too!!
That's why its such a kick to the head when something illogical happens, and when it turns out to be a person you KNOW you would have given your life for, (and in some ways HAVE given aspects of your life for!)

Or possibly my post was just a little too long and rambling and prevented you from honing in on the part that matters the most to me? Sorry for that.

crazyH...It makes your nerves so raw doesn't it?

Yes the sleepless nights!! I cant drop off without the TV on to dull my mind. I find I'm watching real life murder programs??? I think they show me that other people have terrible troubles, and (selfishly) I'm not alone.

I'm so sorry you're in the same position as me.

Thank you so much for your reply....and as you say we must make the best of a bad situation. X

Looking at this objectively, you are seeing your GC every 2 months or so. That's a lot for many people. (My parents only see us once every 3 to 4 months.) Can you not arrange functions and things at your own home? Is it possible that your AC is busy and you're simply asking for more than they're willing to give?

Namsnanny....I'm in the "nearly" stage too....I think that's what they want.....gradually increase the weeks between visits till finally there's no visit at all.

This is why I am awake at all hours...and drop off to sleep when I am mentally exhausted.

We have to make the best of a bad situation,