Bi-polar Daughter?

CrazyH, I really do hope things will settle down quickly. I’m certain it wasn’t about the worktop (can’t imagine being more concerned about a worktop than a mum’s feelings!), there was some other worry I’m sure. You’ll do the right thing when she gets in touch - as you’ve always done! Maybe treat her to a lunch out once in a while if you can afford it? Or take round a casserole as somebody suggested? Good luck.

Thanks all for taking the time to reply....very good advice all round. I haven't heard from her. I'm sure I will at sone point. She is at work now and has probably forgotten the whole incident.
Yes, the poor girl has a tough life.....works so hard to provide for her 2 demanding teenagers. Their father sits back and lets her do all the spending. He left her for someone else and has a baby with her. Actually, history has repeated itself.....we have parallel lives and similar personality traits....highly strung is the word, though I have now mellowed.
I would love to have them over for Sunday lunch.....as a matter of fact, I did it for years, for the whole family.
And it's true, the teens don't want to come to me ....they prefer their own homes...
Never mind, it will all come out in the wash, as the saying goes and thanks again.

I should proof read before posting..sorry.

Fly off the handle, I meant. This kindle predictive text makes me fly off the handle!

Gosh, not much support here! She didn't have to forgot the handle and be nasty! My brother is the same role into you then regrets it. He is, actually, suffering from bi polar and was sectioned for it once. He is such a nice but though and always goes out of his way to help
The"under dog" and fight injustices.

When my daughter had a go at me my husband (her step father) said that she knew I would still love her however much she shouted at me.
Your daughter has no one to vent her frustrations on being a single parent with children and everything getting on top of her, the one person she knows will always love her is you. Just carry on normally next week, or even phone and say sorry I left so abruptly I'd love to know what it is you have in the car for me.

I wish that was all I had to worry about...a blummin worktop. You did think about damaging it & used what you thought was right. Not right either that she kicks off in front of your teenage GC. Personally I would have done the same as you. Relationships are priceless....more than a soddin worktop.

As many single parents will know, teenage children can have you climbing up the wall. Having no husband will put pressure on your daughter. Don't judge her. Has she been medically diagnosed with a mental disorder.? maybe she suffers PMS or at the end of the week just wants space.? I recall my own mother, who used to dog sit while DH and self were on holiday or just a weekend break. She on one occasion decided to re organise the contents of the cupboards in the bedroom units. DH was none to pleased. What had me fuming however was her decision to scour my very expensive non-stick frying pan.Can you not invite your daughter to your home for lunch now and again or does it always have to be at her home ?.why not suggest you go to a restaurant at your expense. Or 'ask' what help you can give in preparation of the lunch.?? Having experienced a helpful mother???? I am, in this instance, on your daughters side.

You've had enough advice but I picked up on your last but one paragraph. Your daughter would not have you round every sunday if she did not love you. In fact, there is great love between my sons and I and we take turns at Sunday dinner which works out to seeing each other about once a month. There are of course other odd times between and we sometimes talk on phone for up to an hour between the meetings.
Why do you not pick up the phone during the week, why not go round with a casserole on sunday occasionally so she doesn't have to cook, why is she doing all the running and why are they not invited to yours for sunday dinner. It takes two to build and maintain a loving relationship and maybe her flipping out was a cry to you for not doing your share of the maintenance.

Life is short and if anybody can push our buttons is our children lol
She could be stressed ... I had a shorter fuse than my dear Mum and Dad ... children lose it with us coz they know they can ... however ..... as long as this is not a reugular occurrence and she is feeling sorry ...that’s the main thing .... please try not to drag it out .... we don’t know what’s around the corner for us in life .... believe me I know ... long story but .... please take a tip from somebody who knows .... try go and see if anything else is stressing her and have a mother daughter treat .... and give eachother a big hug ( through gritted teeth ? it’s worth it ... love is what is important not a granite kitchen top after all .... we are dead along time .....

First I would apologise by saying I was sorry that I upset her about the worktop, you thought you were doing enough to protect it but it won't be a mistake you'll make again. Then, as you say she quite often takes her frustrations out on you, I'd ask if the weekly visit is too much and if she would like some free weekends now and then. I'd go from the perspective that she leads a hard life and you don't want to give her any more stress.

Dear lady, do take the advice to invite your DD and the grandchildren to your place for Sunday lunch now and then instead of always going to them.

No doubt you all got into the habit when the children were small, but they are teenagers now, so they won't be coming to Sunday lunch much longer, especially if their mum and grandma liven up the proceedings by yelling at each other!

Your daughter's probably sorry she flew off the handle, just like you are, so apologise and try to solve the bad habit you seem to have go into of her letting off steam by yelling at you, even if you don't do something downright silly in her house.

Go for the simplest explanation. Serious stress. Tired, single parent, maybe PMT but basically just trying to keep her head above water. We've probably all experienced sonething along these lines as a parent or grandparent.

Again, big picture view. Do you want to lose or damage contact with your daughter and grandkids? I would guess probably not. Give her a big hug next time you see her and start all over again. She is probably embarrassed about the whole messy episode so just move on. As oldies I think sometimes we have to be big enough to acknowledge that we didn't like whatever happened, would rather it hadn't but in the big picture of life we can cherish what is really important and move on. I do believe this is one of the lessons of age, sorting out the really important and letting go of the unimportant.

The old song goes, “we always hurt the one we love”. As a single mother, your daughter has nobody else to take her frustration out on. I’m not excusing her behaviour, just trying to provide an explanation. Life nowadays is very stressful for young families, especially single parents.

I do think you need to try to talk to her about how much her behaviour hurts you without being confrontational. Perhaps the weekly meal together is too stressful for both of you. Your daughter may feel she has to invite you because you are on your own. I didn’t have a great mother/daughter relationship with my mother but she was widowed at 54 and lived to be 83. In all those years I felt I had to invite her to stay most Sundays and all holidays such as. Christmas and Easter. I wish the memories of these times were happier and wish we had talked about our feelings more but at that time people kept their feelings to themselves, it is different now.

I don't think you committed a cardinal sin! You were thoughtful enough to start on the veg and used a tea towel to chop. Cutting with a sharp knife would have marked her plates! Next time peel them and let your DD do the chopping!

She's clearly stressed but taking her frustrations out on you is unkind. Let this blow over and then try to have a calm chat with her. You're allowed to have feelings too and allowed to tell her how upsetting you find this.

I wouldn't go every week for lunch. Once a month is enough. Just more pressure for her. I hope the situation improves for you. We all know (surely) that she wouldn't have been rude if one of her friends had made the same mistake ....

I would also have flipped had it been my mum chopping on my granite worktop - it's completely thoughtless to do that so I can well understand your daughter's response. If you have Sunday lunch regularly there you must know her kitchen routines. My daughter does some things in her kitchen that I don't in mine, but when I'm in her kitchen I follow her rules, and that works both ways. Clearly, you are both stressed possibly about different things in your relationship - you need to give yourself time to calm down and then maybe at some point talk to her about life generally and try to get at the root of her mood swings.

Hell if you can’t have a rant at your mum who can you have a rant at!
Mothers who are grown up enough to help with cooking still are grown up enough to see through the fact it’s time to sit down with a cup of tea and find out what the problem really is.
I know when the black looks and the irrational words come my way that something else is amiss....
It’s also the best thing to down tools and walk away I know it’s just what I would have done too.
Least said soonest mended.

Well, my DD does have a Mental illness – fortunately well controlled. However, she had a tendency to completely go off at me over the smallest thing! It was because I was her ‘safety valve’. She subconsciously knew I would put up with it and forgive. But sometimes it does get a bit much! On those occasions, like you, I just walked, said nothing and let her make the first move. She would usually txt a sorry – she was and still is no good at Face to Face and I fully understand that. It does sound like she had a well over the top reaction and you were right to walk – and ignore the possible gift, as she really upset you and she needs to understand that. It sound like you are supportive and always have her corner, so hopefully this will blow over. But if she contacts you, please accept it as her way of saying sorry! If my DD was really angry at me – then I would get a txt rant or silence until I made the first move, if it was the other way round she would often carry on as if nothing had happened, or send a txt.
By the way posters – it isn’t about the b8##$y granite worktop! And even if it was, a simple ‘Oh mum – you could have used a chopping board!, but thanks for doing the carrots’ should have been the response!

Thank goodness for a few more balanced posts towards the end. This is not a granite worktop issue, this is a mother/daughter issue. CrazyH has clearly said that she and her daughter have a difficult relationship. CrazyH is really asking about their relationship, the granite worktop is just a way in for us to see how difficult things are for her. It isn’t easy if you have to deal with a difficult AC, so many Gransnetters do not have to deal with these types of difficult situations and consequently they do not really offer appropriate advice, they just weigh in with how badly CrazyH behaved. She didn’t behave badly, she was trying to help. The granite worktop was never going to be damaged, it’s pretty well impossible to damage granite. I’m not surprised that you left CrazyH, sometimes taking yourself out of a difficult situation is the only way to deal with that situation. I think you have two options here, the first is that you wait a few days, and then text or ring and apologise (but do not grovel) and then move on with this incident now put to bed, or the second is that you wait for your daughter to contact you and then treat her as those this incident never happened. I think it may be a good idea to invite her to your home for lunch on alternate Sundays, so she gets a rest from the cooking and has chance to relax. I hope it all goes well for you.

Sounds like she is really stressed....and unfortunately as mums we give unconditional love, so she feels she can vent her frustrations out on you. Of course you don't have to put up with this behaviour. No point in tackling this when everyone is highly charged but when things are calmer maybe attempt at talking to her, when you are on your own, and a planned time for this. be very clear you are there to support her, but not her battering ram

Your DD sounds pretty stressed out and obviously feels you don't fully understand the position she is in. If you are going to continue with a Sunday get together does it have to be every week, quite a lot of work with two teenagers as well, whatever did they think? Go on apologise about the chopping, such a small thing.

I have sympathy for the OP. I have a daughter like this, a single mum who can fly off the handle at the slightest thing! I think it was lovely of the mum to start on the carrots, she should have found a cutting board but she couldn’t have harmed the granite at all, more likely to blunt the knife! Cutting on a plate would have blunted the knife as well. My daughter would never buy me anything though, it’s always me who buys for her. Gosh, if mine had bought me something, I’d definitely not leave! I agree though that maybe the OP should host the meal every other week or just do it every fortnight or something, it’s too stressful for everyone.

This is not a granite top issue, this is a mother and daughter issue. I think going round for lunch every Sunday is too much. Try going only once a month, doesn't mean you can't see them at other times but I would feel very tied if I had to be there cooking Sunday lunch every week.

As this happened yesterday, if you haven't done so already, give her a call and apologise for yesterday's upset crazy.

As has already been suggested perhaps seeing her every other Sunday and having a chat on the 'phone on the Sundays you're not seeing her, might be a good idea. If the forecast is good, why not suggest going out for a picnic, that would make a nice change for both of you and the children.

Hopefully things will settle down

I can see the poor gal has a tough time of it as a single mum, and yes, she probably does take things out on you, you are her mum, we all tend to take things out on our nearest and dearest. I guess it is because we trust them to love us despite these things.
The other thing is, and just for the record, granite is NOT delicate at all. Good luck chipping it! It is a very durable work surface that you are unlikely to replace in a lifetime, hence the expense. You are much more likely to damage your knife than the surface. What you might scratch is the "mirror surface", but not through a towel! A lot of people confuse granite and marble, which can stain etc. A marble top in a kitchen would be insane