Bored to Insanity!

Blimey! If choosing to live in the middle of nowhere because you're not keen on neighbours/crowds of people/groups/clubs/being organised by others etc., etc., means you have Asperger's you'd better sign me up.

I know there are some genuinely lonely people who could do with more friendship and company but these days it's almost a crime to enjoy solitude.

It was actually Elegran who said that, but I think agreeing with my point.

MawBroon wrote:

"These days Asperger's has become the fashionable amateur diagnosis for anyone who isn't keen on being surrounded 24/7 by brownian motion."

One of my daughters in law said she thinks I am on the "Asperger's spectrum". I do like her and tend to believe her, although I find her rather noisy. I never knew that she was simply following the fashion but it's true that these facile diagnoses do come and go.

The OP is another example of a 60-something woman living an empty life with a curmudgeonly, selfish, miserable old bugger! We hear of so many of them on GN, and it's very sad.

Unfortunately, most of the complainants seem unwilling to do anything about the situation. I can't for the life of me understand why this behaviour is tolerated by relatively 'young' older women.

And often it turns out that the husband has always been like that, so can't be blamed on declining mental health, etc.

It sounds to me like something thats always been there but is more noticeable/ more of a problem now that fumanchu is no longer able to go out alone.

But I've argued, yelled,discussed it reasonably, cried. All I get is looked at as if I've sprouted two heads and total silence. is not just about preferring a quiet life, surely?

Has your DH always been like this, fumanchu? Could he be depressed? I’m not doing any amateur diagnosis here, btw - the OP asked for advice and I just wonder if this is something that should be investigated.

not belittling anyone. Sorry this link looks very long. hope it works. I have investigated Aspergers for personal reasons. We are all entitled to opinions without rudeness.

www.google.com/url?sa=t&source=web&rct=j&url=https://www.kennethrobersonphd.com/what-are-the-main-characteristics-of-aspergers-syndrome-in-adults/&ved=2ahUKEwjrqrSKufjbAhXMJ1AKHeObAzkQFjANegQIBRAB&usg=AOvVaw2_1srtcd-qNY1nSh6Aq6sp

I don't see it either, Maw. These days Asperger's has become the fashionable amateur diagnosis for anyone who isn't keen on being surrounded 24/7 by brownian motion.

I just don’t see the connection between preferring a quiet life (albeit isolated) in later years and the suggestion of Asperger’s. (*annep*)
When did being anti-social need a “diagnosis”?
It takes all sorts and if anything I think this belittles people genuinely on the Autistc Disorder Spectrum.

I have lived in the middle of nowhere as a young wife and mother. It was an idyllic time as I was completely contented with family and life as it was and I wanted nothing more.

I'd not want to do it now I am old and need to be near the facilities. Maybe I myself have "a bit of Asperger's" like Annep suggests the husband has . I never hanker for company just for the sake of company.

I do know what it is like to live 'in the middle of nowhere' and couldn't contemplate it if I couldn't drive.

It's perhaps upsetting for her to read people who blame her husband, Jalima. Some are not gregarious.

I don't think my post said anything untoward or upsetting Alexa.
OP must realise by now that her DH is not gregarious and doesn't particularly like going out but perhaps using different tactics could encourage him to set aside one day a week to go out with her.

After all, marriage is all about compromise and give and take.

I'm not sure it matters really. OP seems to be ok now. But her husband may just be aging. Or if he's always like this naybe has a bit of Aspergers personality, in which case he ain't gonna change now!

Yes thanks Maw, just picked up your PM and have replied. I am sure that we all have OP’s interests at heart.

What did I just write! I am 86 not 83!

Fumanchu, if I were only 68 instead of 83, I'd be unhappy too , to be confined to the house when there is someone able bodied , has a car, can drive, and who could apparently give some of his time and energy to getting me out of the house to go somewhere special, and perhaps be in the company of others.

He doesn't seem likely to be persuaded to change, as you say you have really tried. The following is just an idea which occurred to me. Could you maybe explain to him that what helping you in the way you need would involve e.g. once a week for one afternoon or evening? Also what this would involve e.g. a visit to a historic house, a common riding , a U3A group, a crocheting meetup . Maybe tell him he'd not have to attend whatever the occasion is if he was averse to it but simply act as friendly transport. He could go off to a pub or go ,or look at cars for sale, or whatever lights his lamp.

I ask, because your husband may have taken fright at the notion that he'd be giving up all of his peace and quiet. Perhaps he needs to know that this would not be a slippery slope to his becoming always at your beck and call. It may be easier for him to know exactly what's involved.

Dolcelatte I have pm’d you. Have you seen it?

Dolcelatte, that was a balanced reply to Petra who I agreed with. However we 't know the husband's point of view. On the face of it I admit that your are right, Dolcelatte.

I wonder if Fumanchu and her husband share no interests at all. Living in the deepest countryside I imagine that there is a lot of special interest there in birding, shooting, hunting, dog walking, gardening, fruit growing, demos against fracking, etc. All of those can involve socialising with other enthusiasts . Husband may be more than willing to socialise with others who share his interests. We simply don't know who this shadowy husband is. He may himself be depressed,. There may be sexual difficulties between the two of them.

Like each of us, I am biased. I'd rather help a taciturn boring man to polish the car than travel somewhere for small talk with a group of old wives. On the other hand, if I wanted to skinny dip in a lonely salmon pool in the Tweed in the moonlight summer night and he refused even to contemplate it I'd feel let down.

Petra, you don't know me so I consider your personal comment about me to be inappropriate. It's really not what my life or your life is or has been, but what OP is feeling. She sounds from her email to be not just fed up, but actually depressed by the isolation, boredom and lack of human contact, to the extent where her only social life is through the internet. I admit that I couldn't live like that, I would go mad, but I appreciate that others could do so and welcome solitude. I really don't want to personalise this.

However, if I knew that my husband were as unhappy as OP sounds, I wouldn't just polish my car, I would want to help the person I loved by going out somewhere other than the supermarket or at least facilitating their life by driving them to places. There is no suggestion that he is unwell, or that he has anything else to do. Perhaps he could teach her to drive, if he can't be bothered to drive her anywhere himself.

But yes, where a loved husband or wife is suffering like this, wouldn't you want to be kind to them and make their life better? As I have said, 68 is not old these days, at all. Is this to be OP's life for the next 20 years, confined to a husband who shows little care, only virtual friends, the tedium only relieved by the occasional trip to Aldi. There is much more to life than this, at any age.

Dolcelatte
You must have lived a very sheltered/ easy life if you think that his behaviour is bordering on cruelty
Ok, we are led to believe that he's an antisocial old git, but it hardly warrants the label of cruelty

If I had a husband who was still alive to polish his bike and his car and who sort of loved me ,warts and all , I'd willingly give up the company of other old wives if I had to.

It's a matter of priorities for the OP. She wants the company of others AND her husband and that is the dilemma. It's perhaps upsetting for her to read people who blame her husband, Jalima. Some are not gregarious. Others cannot be happy without company and zooming around for changes of scenery and company. We are all screwed up in our own ways or if not, having lived a bit, we jolly well should be.

True. My mother started learning at age 80 when my father became terminally ill.

Driving can be learned at any age . And driving sets you free.

Seems to me country life is fine provided you have good health, all your faculties, are young and strong and crucially, are able to drive.

Otherwise, gimme town life any day.

You couldn’t Dolcelatte but have you ever lived in a tiny hamlet 23 miles from other human habitation?
It is very possible and isolation and loneliness are not unique to soulless inner city high rise flats.
If a woman doesn’t drive she is dependent on others and an isolated farm house or farm cottage precludes the existence of a friendly neighbour to chat over the fence to.
There may only be a bus every couple of hours and if you are not good on your feet that may be an undertaking too far.
Country life is not all “Escape to the Country”.