Stepchildren

I applaud you for supporting your husband's relationship and generosity with his children. My 3 adult children have very little support, financially or emotionally from their father and his wife. They meet up and are on sort of friendly terms, but I was the one who helped financially with weddings etc even though I do not have much.
Btw, where is their Mum?

I think that what they got from their dad before you were married to him is irrelevant. The party after the wedding is also irrelevant ..its what a lot of young people do as soon as their parents backs are turned ...not something I would get my knickers in a knot over .If they were trying to fleece YOU that would be different.Most Dads who can help will help .We've paid for many deposits over the years and as they are both our children there was no isssue with it.If they are "spoilt" surely thats their parents fault ..they didn't spoil themselves and were given signals that parents would always step in and help.
Whatever they did or didn't do they ARE his kids , he will want to be in contact with them ,in fact if if my OH didn't want to keep in touch with his kids I would think he wasn't a man I would have around. Maybe he's not used to a peaceful existence and this reunion will add some spark into his life .

Thank you crazyH, I am sorry to hear that your children have not been as fortunate as my DH children, their mother lives a short distance away from the children and has also benefited from my DHs generosity both before and after they were divorced. She is also in a position to support her children and whether she has I would not know. The financial assistance goes without saying, it’s the attitude & behaviour of adults (aged 36 upwards) towards their father that is upsetting.

Thank you paddyann for your response, and my DH has been an excellent & supportive father to his C, yes, to the point that he has spoilt them, he has paid out numerous deposits, holidays, sent cheques when they were short etc, but when the apartment was sold and they then wanted their dad to stump up for a further deposit, that was where he drew the line. That happened when we were married and since we were married any financial support/gifts have come out of our joint account with my blessing. As for spark, life has been and is good, a simple apology could have resolved this years ago. I am happy to support my husband either way, but I am also the one who sees his health suffer when it blows up.

Wow ! Some story that is !
Why do these adult children behave like greedy selfish spoiled brats ?
We hear it so often nowadays so often we read similar on here but I find it impossible to comprehend ,I'm just so glad our AD x2 don't behave like it .I think I would just tell them " you have had all you are having now sod off unless you really do actually want to spend a pleasant hour or 2 in our company just being normal adults together" .
I am afraid I don't tolerate bad behaviour easily I just say exactly how I feel and then leave people with a choice. If they choose had behaviour or attitude again then I will keep well away until they can prove otherwise. I suppose it is more difficult with them being your step children but they are adults and should behave like it .
If I were in your shoes I would keep well away especially if your husband's health is improved since they kept away. How does he feel about it , will he stay away from them happily or is it causing him grief ?
They sound horrendous!

Nanabilly, thank you for your advice, I’m really not sure how my husband is, it was certainly causing him grief while they were estranged, not that he condoned their behaviour. He never admitted that he was ill because of the estrangement, but I felt that this was a big part of his problem and had encouraged him to get in contact. When the cheque was sent to S1 I had hoped that S1 would see it as an opportunity to get in contact with his dad, but it didn’t happen. Then after the tone of the message from D, it seemed to give him realisation that no apology was ever going to come and that he would get on with his life. But as I said, he has had 2nd thoughts and contacted her, I was/am supportive, thinking that he would be happier but now that it’s happened I’m not so sure how I feel. As I said, I’ll support him either way.

This is so hard for you. What a shame that things have turned out so badly. I am not sure what you can do without risking making the situation worse. It must be so hard to see all this taking a toll on your OH's health.

Thank you for your kind words Luckygirl, I guess it is just a matter of watching to see how my husband is coping, GP appointments and referral to hospital has taken place, we’re waiting on some results and hopefully a positive outcome will help my husband get well again, as I said, after a number of years of waiting he has now accepted that no apologies will be forthcoming and getting his head around this is also a big step forward.

I'm sorry that your SC ended up being so selfish. They seem incredibly ungrateful.

I would suggest that your DH maybe consider some counseling. As hard as it may be to hear this, it's not his right to force his children to have a relationship with him. They have chosen effectively not to do that. I would say that his best bet is to just take things as they come. Giving the situation headspace sadly does nothing except make him unhappy.

You might see if there is a young family in your area who would like to have you as "adopted grandparents". My parents are "adopted grandparents" to a family from their church.

Thank you agnurse for your post, you are so right, you cannot force relationships which are not workable. We are however very lucky in that our other children (both my husbands, and mine) have a great relationship with us and we have 4 fabulous grandchildren between us, we have a very happy life together, have had lots of adventures and live life to the full, I had hoped that the final sad chapter in relation to the D & S1 was coming to a close, and that his health was improving.....this may still be the case but with the D back in contact I’m a little on tenterhooks, as you say, it’s best to take things as they come, all I can do is wait and see if it will work out. p.s. how wonderful that your parents have been “adopted”.

I am with agnurse on taking it as it comes. DH's daughter has made contact and shown a picture of the grandchild, he has responded after some thought, will she come to visit or invite you over, she may just feel she has told him and wait for his further response, very slowly seems the way forward, I am not sure if full closure ever really happens as people can't just be fully forgotten, feeling she is now settled may help your DH. I hope his health improves.

This reminds me of a previous post when someone was concerned re their grandchildren being so spoilt. When kids are given everything on a plate, they do not learn essential values in life and respect is one of them. So when someone does say NO to them they hit back to hurt, be it with words or lack of contact, and I have seen this with a dear friend. Unfortunately there is no solution here for you, you are already supporting him all you can. I would def speak to DH and voice your concerns re his health. Ideally I think he should maintain contact but stop giving financially. Often, hostility towards step mum/Dads and their family, is sadly often based on money and inheritance.

I think the behaviour of the sc has been abhorrent, especially given their ages. Can't believe some of the advice on here, they need their heads banged together and dad's bank to close down. Unforgivable to blank your child and go to another room. They obviously see you and her as a threat to their supply of dosh. How you turn such appallingly bad adults into caring, loving sons and daughters is beyond me, I wish you lots of love and luck.

I’m so sorry liljan that you have these worrying problems. Children can be very selfish and unthinking, but it doesn’t always mean lack of love - it’s just the way they are, especially if parents have always been generous.
My Significant Other has daughters like this. When he had a landmark birthday, they arranged a fabulous celebration dinner for all the family, partners, children etc., nothing but the best, then they handed SO the bill!
I was flabbergasted, and was quite glad that I wasn’t invited. I knew that I would not be included, as their mother (SO’s former wife) was there. They are a different religion to me, so I will always be the outsider.
He’s very pragmatic about this; if they’re happy, he’s happy, so I don’t say anything about it. He can spend his money how he pleases and I’m not called upon to contribute. Besides, I know that I would always put my children before any partner.
Sometimes we just have to make the best of a bad job.
The problem for you, of course, is that you can see your DH becoming distressed and ill over this. I’m afraid I wouldn’t know how to cope with this - I suppose all you can do is be as supportive as possible.
I do hope things become easier for you !

Thank you all for your supportive messages, it’s good to know that you are all in agreement that to continue being supportive is the best way forward.
luluaugust yes full closure is never likely to happen, I think the waiting for an apology/contact was what was eating at him. When he realised it was not going to happen, he was more of the opinion, we’ll they know where I am.
Coconut the saying NO bit was difficult to take and their response was to play the “guilt” card. I have voiced concerns re my DH health, he has gone for tests and we’re keeping our fingers crossed that it will be positive news.
lollee it’s not gone un-noticed by friends & family that there is a lack of respect towards me by the D, even in my home...this is also why I’m apprehensive about her being back in our lives. But if it helps my DH, then so be it, visits were not particularly frequent and therefore I can put up with it.
sluttygran you sound like you are in the same boat as myself, wishing you all the best.

To everyone who sent good wishes to my DH & myself, you have no idea the difference that it’s made, Thank you all.

Gosh! I wouldn't put up with any of that malarky. My partner's children are under 15 but there is no way that they would ever be allowed to grow into such self-entitled adult brats.
I feel sorry for the OP.
Money and families is often a double edged sword.

If D wants to be back in her father's life is it an option for him to see her without you, at least at first? This might be more palatable for her. Obviously you have the right to be respected. I'm just thinking that if she is offering a tentative olive branch, she might be more comfortable with just seeing her dad at first as a compromise.

I think that agnurse has a good idea, can your OH see them on his own? It doesn’t sound as though you would mind as you clearly have no great affection towards them, or, sadly , them towards you and he would obviously like to be in contact with them, it might help him to stop worrying about you all trying to get on, whilst he is unwell.
Just try to stop him giving them al of his money.

I can see why some people are saying DH would do best to see his D on his own, and at first I agree. There is no point trying to force a relationship where one does not exist, or would hinder a potential return to good contact between father and daughter.
On the other hand, this could develop and drive a wedge between you, if D gets her own way and you are effectively excluded. This is what has happened to me. I am not going to derail the thread with my story, but be aware of the potential for future manipulation, as undoubtedly DH will feel a bond with his grandchild, and undoubtedly his D will be tapping him for cash.

Sorry, I meant to say, I do hope your DH’s health improves. This has to be the first priority for you both.

Yes, I have thought it may improve things if I wasn’t around. DH had been divorced for some years before we met and I could therefore understand their reluctance towards me initially. I have tried to “back off” slightly, by missing visits every now and again so that C could have time with their Dad on their own, in fact, the last visit to his D was by himself. Saying that, DH is hurt & upset by the way I am sidelined and is adamant that after 15+ years we should be seen as a couple, that D should not dictate. Which brings us back to the situation we are now in. Cabbie21 you have my sympathies and hope that your situation was resolved.