No help from DH after injury

I think Grandma70 has it well summed up!
I don't think it appropriate to plot revenge or any such retaliation because there really is often a great fear hidden deep. Communication is all and it is important to tell each other how we feel with no recriinations.

I am sorry too, I was lucky, # and dislocation of my ankle, and my man was wonderful.
Even facilitated a commode for night time Weeing .
But it showed up the fact he didn’t even know how to switch on the washing machine.

@ violetta. I’m sorry to hear you are having such a terrible time. I hope there is someone to help you.

Yes go on strike grumpy old so and so. good suggestion about going to stay else where and leave him to get on with it. good luck and get well soon

My husband was pretty awful to me when I had my hip replacement. My daughters were really shocked by his lack of care and consideration. I don't think he didn't care, he is just not one of life's natural carers, and I, of course, hated having to ask for help and found different ways of managing. If I think about it I still feel hurt, and one day will have a conversation about how I felt at the time. And if he ever needs a hip replacement I'll definitely be reminding him!!

My friend recently broke a bone and needed help with all sorts of chores. I and other friends called round and helped with shopping taking food etc. She has a husband who also helped a lot but it is a lot for one older person to do everything. So if any friends or family offer to help say Yes Please could you.......

As so many others have said, I agree, it is very sad and hard on you that your dh isn't helping you, with grace. However, I suggest you think about what's likely to make you and him happier in the long run and to get you the help you need now. Being angry and telling him off and asking whats the matter with him - will surely lead to him being defensive and resentful, and you feeling aggrieved . And if he helps it will be with bad grace, so you and he will go on feeling angry with each other. I don't think this is what you you want - is it? So maybe you could take a deep breath, find a calm place in yourself, and say you'd like to talk to him about what is happening. Who do you want to be? I don't think you want to be a vengeful person. So be a wise one instead - speak up for yourself and what you need, and be open to hear what he is feeling and thinking, even if you see it differently. Listening for understanding, not judgement, is the most effective thing we can do to make our relationships happier and is also top of the list if you want to influence someone. It could make a huge difference , not just now, but in the future.

VIOLETTE. My husband was also in a wheelchair with Parkinson’s and dementia. He fell a lot and when the dementia got worse he was unable to help me much when I tried to lift him. I am 5’ tall and weighed under 7 stone he was over 6’ and weighed about 11. Our O. T. got us Mangar Elk lifting cushion as it was cheaper, she said, to loan us one than have to call out an ambulance. It really helped. Do try and get one.

Sorry about all the typos.

Thought !!!

Stop complaining to us ( although we reallydon’t Mind and complapto him. Stoop pussyfooting around him and tell him how you feel and what you expect. Can’t be doing with all this ‘ahh poor man can’t cope ‘coz he fought you we’re invincible. Rhubarb !

It’s all in the upbringing. Boys should be taught to do their share of household tasks as soon as they’re old enough, and then their wives should expect them to take an equal share. It seems to me that some of the men described here have been very, very spoilt. How does anyone reach adulthood unable to cook a meal or do the washing?

Other than that, I think many men, and women for that matter, are extremely frightened when a partner is ill or incapacitated, and they behave oddly and unsympathetically because of that fear. Suddenly the whole pattern of their lives is altered.

Next time you go to the clinic i would tell them you are really struggling to get the care you require from your husband.They may have a solution and be able to arrange for carers to come into you.

Order some very expensive ready meals for one which are advertised for delivery and tell him it is for his sake so that he is not inconvenienced. Tell him in no uncertain terms that you are totally disappointed with him.

Had the same problem when I went in for a hip operation.
Like you I was on crutches couldn’t do anything first 6 weeks, h was just awful would only cook ping meals as he calls them my d was so angry with him. Put the washing in
The wrong cycle. When I tried to tell him he got annoyed with me. Trouble is he has never had to anything I haveonly myself to blame.

Violette sending you a big hug, do you get anytime for yourself? ???

Ooh I feel for you ...and understand completely ..why are so many men like this ??? I had cancer and three major ops on colon and liver ....was told at one point palliative care only (but luckily was offered a new treatment ...10 years ago and still here !) BUT OH said I was making it all up and there was nothing wrong with me .........I had to drive myself to chemo three times every two weeks with a bowl on the car seat in case I was sick (it didn't suit me ...yuck !) ....then I broke my femur, and still got no sympathy and no help ...when I called for him simply to pass me the phone so I could call an ambulance he told me to get up and stop being hysterical (I wasn.t just asking for the phone !) Now, ten years down the line he has Parkinons disease and dementia ...can only have liquid or powdered food ...guess who he calls every ten minutes (there is only me, no help as he refuses it) ...had to lift him up from the floor no less than 5 times since Saturday and although he is not heavy, I am 70 (he is 85) and I have to drag him and try to get him up. Doc says not to call ambulance as he would be confused in a hospital !!!!!!!! He want.no, demands, everything instantly and swears and yells at me all the time. To be honest (second marriage for both ...me divorced, he widowed) I am just one hair's breadth away from packing a case and leaving him to it ...............if that sounds harsh that is what it is !! Last night when he fell I applied five lots of plasters and missed one cut on his arm .............result : this morning for the second time since Saturday I had to wash the complete set of bed linen covered in blood .............and I was stupidly congratulating myself on having no washing to do today and thought I might get half an hour to go out for a coffee ....how daft is that !!!! grrrrrrrrrrrrrr

Entirely agree with Luckygirl!!! My husband was brilliant when I had my hip replacement so I returned the favour when he had his knee replaced. How on earth do you put up with him Bmthbelle13

blue60 my DH sounds very much like yours. He seems to find it impossible to express sympathy on the odd occasions I am off colour yet is the world’s worst patient himself. It’s hurtful sometimes but in other ways he is very caring. I think he goes into panic mode if he thinks he might have to take over cooking and cleaning. I blame his mother who never let her DH lift a finger in the house!

My DH is like this. Two years ago I fell and injured my knees. All he was interested in was that it shouldn't spoil our holiday!

I tried to keep quiet about it as much as possible, not to make a fuss and pretend everything was ok (which it wasn't). I was so upset and even now tend not to say anything.

It's strange, because in other ways he is very kind and attentive. I guess it's 'bury head in sand' as someone else said in the hope it will all go away. Hey ho!

I think some men like children they don't know where to start or how much effort is involved with looking after someone.

My brother is very good at doing DIY around the house was useless when my SIL like you has unable to get around. He went into town to get some shopping, was gone a long time and when asked why, he said he had been to a cafe for lunch. Not got anything for my SIL's lunch or thought about it. My husband is useless at DIY but great cook and carer when I am ill.

Gosh - it seems that caring is just a one way street for this guy. His way! He sounds quite brattish and selfish.

Just wait until his health takes a wee nosedive and he expects you to look after him - I suggest you develope selective deafness.

(Remember the wonderful film "Whatever Happened to Baby Jane?" with Bette Davis playing the evil sister having to care for her older sister (played by Joan Crawford) who was disabled in an accident?)

I think you are right to feel grumpy with your OH, but I think the key is the fact that normally you are fit and healthy. Sometimes guys just need telling what to do, it doesnt necessarily come naturally to them if usually you are thoroughly independent. Also if he is anything like my OH he is actually quite scared of any kind of ill health, seeing it as a weakness in a rather old fashioned sort of male way, so he pretends its not happening. I think a frank and very obvious conversation pointing out which things you need doing and how would help. I dont think its that he is uncaring, just probaby needs guidance.

Cross body bags and all the other advice is going to help you a lot until you are more mobile. Some great advice.
I wonder what you would have been doing for him if the boot was on the other foot!
Not just husbands/partners but friends as well. take but not so keen to give.......karma.....then you decide if, or how much you want to help/ give.

Yes. Selfish man.