Sons marriage in crisis

You are doing the right thing as is your husband. Be supportive by being there for them all. You will not change what has happened but You can certainly help to get tho vs back on track. You say your son suffers from OCD, not a lot of people understand that depression is all control or not being in control. This may be how your son is feeling, his life has changed with the baby and he probably has felt he can no longer be in control of everything. It will take time but with help he will adjust and come to realise he has a very caring family. You will all come throuvh this, be kind to yourself no-one, no-one is at fault.

So much good advice and support here already so all I'll add is to reiterate what has been said.

First get rid of the guilt, you are responding in a very caring and supportive way. AND you/the family did that as soon as you were aware of a problem. What more could you do? So many good points here about that so I hope you can hear the wise words and that they give you some ease and confidence as you navigate this difficult time.

It is very important to give yourself/the family the credit your deserve for getting through each day. So easy to only see the difficulties/negatives and to miss the gains/positives, sometime only small things, that can and do get lost in all the pain and confusion.

Well Done to you DIL. Your son is getting help, so good that your DIL, after the shock she had, took him to hospital. What a caring, strong thing to do. Please make sure you give her repeated credit for her actions then and throughout this time.

As has been mentioned counselling/therapy for your DIL but also for you and may be you DH. You have all had a shock, take your time and know you are the best judge of what you need and when.

Sounds like you are all doing a great job. Take Care of yourself as well as giving care to others and may you have the best possible out come in the future.

my son had it and it does take a while but it can be sorted , he is been fast tracked for medical help which is very good and that's what he needs , alongside lots of love support and being able to discuss this situation , no-one is at fault there is no blame anywhere to anyone , take it a day at a time some will be good some not so good , you will get there and so will he it wont happen overnight , but he will recover , stay strong don't panic , don't overthink the situation its happened but you are dealing with it , you can vent at me anytime x

You sound as tho you have a really loving family around you, hopefully your DIL has her family supporting het as well as your family. things may be difficult now, but your DD is right when he says you will find a way of climbing that brick wall, speaking as someone who had OCD and went to one to one sessions with "Time to talk". Which helped a lot. x

Bless
You .... what a difficult time you are having and in the middle is your beautiful grandchild .... as long as your son is getting the help he needs and you are all supporting eachother that is the best thing ... good luck and please keep us posted ... I understand what it’s like when a teenage child has a breakdown ...with a family added this is definately extra stress ... are you getting help to ? Counselling is a great safety valve for me ... I love therapy .. I just like a chat but therapy has helped me
Loads
lol ... take care and don’t forget to have a good chuckle whenever you can ... you are allowed.. and it can help loads ... ?

We went through something very similar a couple of years ago so I know how hard it is. Make sure that you take care of yourself as well as everyone else.

The upsetting things he is saying will be through the lens of a mind that temporarily is not seeing things straight.

What a good way to describe it.

When things change so rapidly and traumatically, we think the situation is insurmountable, but we are all more adaptable than we think. The new 'regime' will seem drastic at first, but gradually we fit into the roles that are now required of us - they become the new 'normal' and we cope. It sounds as if you are all pulling together. I hope it's not too long before you see light at the end of the tunnel.

Oh dear, how dreadful for you! Please don't feel you have failed. mental health is no-one's fault. Try to get your ES the professional help he deserves and continue to support your DIL and enjoy your GD.
Stay strong!

I had OCD after the birth of my first child, no therapy in those days so just had to battle through. It went in the end. I think it was something to do with a complete change of identity and in the relationship with my OH. A way of trying to get some control over my life which all of a sudden felt totally out of my control. No one can see these things coming and its no ones fault. I think the fact that your ES is talking, whilst obviously painful to his wife, is actually a good sign and he is also getting the help he needs. The upsetting things he is saying will be through the lens of a mind that temporarily is not seeing things straight. Hang on in there and you will all get through this. Birth of a first child however much planned for, wanted and utterly wonderful, can also be unexpectedly traumatic.

I think sometimes events which we view as happy, and which indeed are happy, can increase the feeling of isolation and desperation for a person who has underlying sensitivities.

Perhaps he has been carting this around for some time and felt afraid to speak out.

We (as a society) are still so backward with our thinking towards MH issues. I hope your son will slowly see light at the end of the tunnel.

Jobey68 I am agreeing with harris27 and LKPI.

I do get a sense that you are all angry at your son for being mentally ill and everyone else are victims of his illness. Think about how your reaction would be if the bomb had been cancer or a road accident. I think you would be supporting one another with the focus on your son.

Men in his age group are a high risk group for mental illness and suicide so be thankful he opened up to his wife, who sought and found appropriate help for him. I hope things will get back to normal but be prepared that normal might not be the right thing for your son and he may want to make changes in his life to become well.

If your hubby is his father I would expect him to be supportive and this is not beyond him. This is something that many families have to deal with. Dealing with problem gives us a wider understanding and view of life.

You wouldn't think that it was your fault if he had a physical illness. This is not your fault either. I doubt if he and his family would have turned to you if it had been.
As long as he is getting the right help from his GP and the medical profession as a whole (and that does sometimes have to be fought for) it seems to me that all you have to do is what you are doing save that you have to stop blaming yourself as that I not going to help anyone and is unjustified.
It is a hard thing to deal with but the fact that his wife understands and that you are there puts him in a better position than many that have these problems. It may be a long road and you cannot be in a heightened sense of anxiety yourself for months or years. If you can, take a pamper day off and be kind to yourself and then return to the fray.

Can't had anything just sending virtual hug take care ?

Having OCD, is something ,that with help, can get better, my sister suffered with it and with hep, is now a lot better, Your DS told you about his problem, and that alone is a big step, Wishing you and your lovely family all the best, Hugs xxxxx

It's great you DS is getting help but your DIL needs it too. She will no doubt be in shock and feeling terribly betrayed especially as their baby is so young which would have already taken a toll on her. It might be a good idea to get her to talk to someone. Is she in the sort of employment where Occupational Health can refer her to some talking therapy? A lot of companies offer a 6 week program to their employees and their families. If not, somewhere like Time to Talk maybe offered in your area which might not be as quickly available but is a really worth while service.
It sounds like you are a lovely family who have the chance for this to work out well. Although this may be really difficult right now, it may well be the thing that makes your DS and DIL stronger. It is often things like this that make you realise if you can get through this, you can get through anything as a couple.

Just support them all as much as you can.

This has brought back memories from when we found out that our DD had post natal depression and didn't tell anyone how much she was suffering for many months.

The good thing is that your DS told you about his problem (so many men don't) and that he is getting treatment. It's really not easy watching them suffer but with lots of help from everyone he will get better eventually, it really is one day at a time.

Good luck and enjoy your gorgeous grand daughter who will help you get through this x

There are so many of us here on GN with major problems to do with our children and most of us feel guilty (I certainly do) but, as Bluebelle says, try to ditch the guilt as it’s only sapping the energy you need for other things. We had a major bust up at the weekend but my DH is also unwell so I can’t burden him. And, like your DH Jobey, he’s always been a proud Mr Fixer and finds it so hard that there’s nothing he can do. Keep talking to your DH and to us, and enjoying the baby for some light relief. You’ll come through this together.

It sounds like all the right things have been done with regard to getting treatment quickly, its not your fault at all and your DIL should try to see it as an illness that is being treated and be thankful he did tell her however painful. She wouldn't be "hurt" by say a broken arm. So it sounds like take a big breath, be practical and help where you can, in fact just what you are doing - good luck

Hang on in there with your DS and family. Time really is a great healer.

And don't look for changes in the short term. Focus on what is wanted in a year's time and don't keep measuring progress. Let time pass and then look back and see how far you have all advanced.

Good luck

He needs help and support and I'm just glad for you it's come out now after the initial upset and hurt you will all pull together and get him the help he needs. My heart goes out to you all as a family stay strong x

No advice for you, but sending you and you family love and hugs.xxxx

What a shock for you Jobey it's not your fault at all, OCD is an illness like any other and can be treated. Your daughter in law has had a shock too but will come to realise its the illness talking not your son. Don't worry about the future just take each day at a time and continue to love and support your family as you are doing.
I hope things get better soon.

You sound a lovely family and very sensible. The fact that you are all talking and supporting each other is excellent. There are some mental health charities like MIND that may also be able to offer you and your DIL some advice, bearing in mind that you, your DH and DIL also need some support as carers for someone with a mental health issue.
Please don’t blame yourselves for this! It is very difficult to foresee a mental health crisis and it is not something anyone should be carrying guilt about. I realise that this is easy to say but I have got the tee shirt on this issue and I know how debilitating guilt is?
Please remember you have lots of people rooting for you ??

Life throws us so many challenges, but somehow, life also gives us the strength to cope.
Hope it all works out for you all