Sons marriage in crisis

OP, that's fabulous. Mental illness can be very difficult to handle and unfortunately many relationships do not survive mental illness. I'm glad to hear that things are going better and I hope treatment is effective.

That's really good to hear, Jobey68. I hope things continue to get better.

Thank you, things are improving day by day, DS and DIL are pulling together and DS is getting the help he needs with all our support, we are certainly in a much better place than we were a few weeks ago ?

My heart breaks for you. I do hope everything works out for you all. I would be equally shattered if my middle son's little family was rocked like this - I so relate to your joy in your tiny granddaughter, being in this situation myself. But none of this upheaval is not your failure as a Mum, please try not to think that, even though I know it's hard, because we Mums so often seem to beat ourselves up over everything that goes wrong with our beloved children. Sending you loads of good wishes that everything turns out well.

Ýou sounď like a lovely family and I would think that is why your son was able to talk about it. Your dil àlso sounds lovely ànd she would probably benefit from some professional help too. People with mental health problems hide their problems from themselves and their families às thèy don't understand what's going on (I know this from experience ) so don't feel guilty but I know it's hard. Wish you all the very best and let us all know how things are going xx

Thank goodness you are feeling a bit better today Jobey68, sleep helps a lot. Try and keep strong and keep your pecker up if you know what I mean. It's difficult but your daily routines sound so like mine but wouldn't change it for the world. enjoy your day try and relax.

Good to hear that Jobey68. Sleep is a great healer. I’m just off to look after my littlest grandson (2yrs) they’re a huge blessing ?

Feeling much brighter today after all your help and advice yesterday and slept the best I have in ages last night ?
We have granddaughter a lot , always have done and even more so now, could just eat her! My life consists of working , cleaning and childcare but I love it ?

A bad time for you. (But you are in no way responsible for your son's condition - he's a grown man, and as such, the responsibility for this break down is his.) Luckily, he is getting the help that he needs now, so hopefully will be able to sort himself out, given time. I think that you and your husband are the rocks that he and your daughter-in-law need right now.

Be strong and sensible in the situation, and save your 'upset' for when you and your husband are alone, when you can share your feelings in private.

I'm guessing that your daughter-in-law will be devastated by this - especially as your son said things to her which she may find hard to forgive. She will also be so tired with an 8-month old baby, and being back to work as well. And now she has been left with everything to cope with, on her own. I'm sure that she will appreciate your support and love at this hard time for her.

Perhaps you could take care of your lovely granddaughter sometimes, just to give her a break ...? (I think you said you were already doing that.)

I do hope that your son gets better and returns to his wife and child soon.

It sounds to me that you are doing all the right things. Keep on. And keep your chin up! Good luck.

I'm sorry to hear your son has suffered for so long, my boy has his first CBT tomorrow, he was starting privately last week but the NHS really came up trumps with a fast track due to having such a young family, a cancellation came up and he was top of the list thank goodness, we have been doing endless googling to understand how CBT works and have been following advice on how we should react around him, things are beginning to make sense in his head and I'm so grateful for all your support today you have really given me the lift I needed Xx

Jobey68, I just want to tell you that my son had OCD for many years, beginning when he was 20. He was misdiagnosed and given strong medication which didn't help much. Most people think of OCD being like frequent handwashing, or repetitive actions, but this was in his mind only, and because of his young age it was thought to be due to drugtaking, which he hardly did anyway. I think he felt so guilty at having tried any drugs at all that he accepted that the mental torment had been caused by them.

After almost 20 years of suffering he worked out for himself what the problem really was. CBT was a big help for him, and he can cope with the thoughts which used to torment him. There is a shortage of CBT therapists, but I would suggest your son try it as soon as possible. My son would have been spared many years of torment if the doctors had recognised what his problem really was.

Fluffy yes he was there , C section but he was present through out

Hi Treacletoffee , yes we've have questioned these past few weeks looking back over the years if there hasn't always been something going on with him, just put it down to him being sensitive

Can I ask a question. Was he present at the birth.?

I hope you dont mind me mentioning this but you say he has always had problems with change of routine, needs structure and is very literal and honest. These can be due to Aspergers, a form of Autism often well masked until a crisis. Just a thought.

I'm so sorry. Mental illness can be devastating and the effects can sometimes be more serious than physical illness.

This is NOT your fault any more than it is your son's. You didn't cause this. Mental illness is no one's fault.

It's good that your son is getting help. You might find it helpful to do some research on OCD and learn about it for yourself.

Hi Kikibee , I'm sorry you have had this with both of your sons, its such a bizzare illness to understand but knowledge is what really helps, OCD is so much more than constant handwashing , people have no idea!

He's had a good day today, been to clean the house while DIL was at work and filled the fridge, off his own back as it was something he wanted to do. ?

Had similar in our family two years ago. Son went to stay with his mother for six months. He has a high profile job. His wife left with new baby & toddler to look after with lots of help from her MIL. Glad to say after treatment they had a make or break holiday & are now a happy family unit once again. Hopefully same for you.

Thank you all so much for taking the time to reply and giving so much advice and understanding, it really means a lot to me and has helped me to get all this off my chest today. DIL talks openly to us and her family so has an outlet whenever she needs it, You are all right that we need to slow down and take things a step at a time.

DS has always shown obsessive traits which weve seen as part of his charm, his constant need for routine and structure and the compulsion to be brutally honest no matter what it is he has to tell us! so the signs were there i guess.

Onwards and upwards for now though, he starts CBT this week and is feeling keen to get going , thank you all again x

p.s. Please don't be angry with him, it's his OCD talking and not him, I expect he has been very confused...

People with OCD tend to be highly critical of themselves and don't intentionally go out to upset others....

Hi Jobey68,

What a shock for you, it takes time for you to get used to the situation and your own feelings before you can do anything. OCD can produce some really unpleasant thoughts and your Son must be relieved that he has a diagnosis. Your DIL must also be getting used to the situation in her own way, not easy when you also have a baby to deal with.

Both of my Son's have OCD and it has been a struggle, but there is always light at the end of the tunnel. One is married with a lovely child and the other is in a stable relationship, both of their respective partners are fully supportive and life goes on...we all rally with support if needed. The best thing I can advise is to get to know the illness and try to understand it and the type of OCD your Son has, that way it is easier to support, and to know you cannot cure it for him. Listening is a big help, but sometimes they do not want to talk and that is okay too.

Maybe your DIL can educate herself in time to support him, but it is important to also seek professional help for your Son,

Early days and baby steps, hopefully your grandchild will offer you all some comfort.

Wishing you all the very best....

I do have an element of anger towards my son and I know it isn't fair but I just wish he hadn't said some of the things to his wife that he has and just told me instead, My husband actually keeps reminding me that DS is ill and its not his fault, I didn't mean to make hubby sound unsympathetic as hes been a rock to us all he just gets frustrated that he doesn't have the answers to put this right.

First of all I admire how strong you are all being, your son is very lucky.
Hopefully you will give him the strength and an example of how to cope with life.
Your grandaughter will reach adulthood and he may face a major issue with her, she may need him to be as strong as you are being now.
I will tell you a little of my life to try and reassure you that however severe his OCD there is a way forward.

I have had severe OCD since I was a child, it became debilitating when I reached teenage and I was unable to cope with school because of the supposed contamination from the school environment.
I couldn't touch even a pen that had come into my home from the school and kept my uniform and bag in our garden shed.
Becoming a mother sent my anxiety sky high. The worst thing of many, many traits was fear of contamination from driving past my doctors surgery which was situated on the main road from our house.
I added a few miles to my regular trip into town and a few miles on the way back because I could not drive down the road where my GP surgery was.
.
Now a mother and grandmother I have lots of traits of OCD, it never goes away.
I learned to live with it and my husband lives with certain routines that he now finds normal .
My children see me as a bit odd but are now grown with their own lives so it is irrelevant to them.
I wish you all the success in the world with your family.
You may find that in the end your son will find the greatest help is to realise that he is now head of his own family and has to be strong for them.

Can’t really add anything except support and sympathy and to reiterate what others have said that it’s not your fault or your sons fault. No one chooses to have mental health issues and from personal experience dealing with family members can be hard and frustrating, it sometimes feels like one step forward and two back. You sound as if you have a lovely family and I hope the support and encouragement on here will help you all. Keep in touch please.

You have all done so well supporting each other and getting help immediately. It may help your DIL to realise that her Husband's thinking is that of a person with OCD see below:

What are the signs of OCD in adults?
Common obsessive thoughts in OCD include:
Fear of being contaminated by germs or dirt or contaminating others.
Fear of losing control and harming yourself or others.
Intrusive sexually explicit or violent thoughts and images.
Excessive focus on religious or moral ideas.
Fear of losing or not having things you might need.

It is a big thing in this current difficult employment environment to be the wage earner with responsibility for supporting a family and it is a difficult transition to make to be a parent.

I do hope you can continue to support your son and DIL as you are doing and hope that with good therapy Son gets better. Hopefully where ever son is getting his help the therapist can explain that what he has said is not a personal criticism of her but a statement about how the illness makes him feel which as he knows that is not what he feels when he is well, means that he accepts that he is ill.

All the best for your future.