Feeling used, feeling guilty

I am 74 too and despite trying to lead a healthier lifestyle I have found that my energy and patience levels have dropped dramatically since turning 70. If you try to do too much you will eventually make yourself ill and you have said that you are not in the best of health. You are clearly being a wonderful mother to your daughter by putting her at the top of your list of priorities and doing all the childcare she needs. I don’t want this to come across as harsh as I don’t know the circumstances but is your daughter doing the same by her children? If the time away needing extra childcare on your part is to further her career thus giving her and her children a better future then I would do all I could to support her but if it is for her to have a better social life then I would think twice.

I think you need to follow up the text with a long conversation in which you explain how you are feeling and the state of you health. Above all else please don’t feel guilty about saying no as sometimes it needs to be said for everybody’s sake.

Mormor what is your point? If it is a "veiled criticism" of CrazyH it seems rather unfair, but maybevI am misreading it?

I think all grown up children take advantage. Nothing malicious intended. I think your daughter is comfortable leaving her children with you (and she trusts you), and as you have done it in the past, its easy for her to just come straight to you. Maybe have a proper conversation with her (text and email can be misconstrued), you don't want her, our your precious grandchildren thinking you don't want them.
One of the problems is our children don't comprehend that we are getting older, you get tired, and you're not 30 any more.
On a final comment we have to give what we want to give and can't make others step up to the mark...there loss.
I hope you get the situation sorted out, so everyone is happy x

CrazyH .Read you last comments. Her lack of response to your text confirms to me how selfish your daughter is and that text hit the nail on the head.It is upsetting for you to know that she has been using you and D's silence confirms it. Most certainly let D make the first move.

Bridgeit. You have hit the nail on the head with your post. Looking after our grandchildren willingly and being appreciated is one thing....taken advantage of and feeling used is completely another. Your daughter may have fallen out with her ex..and her in laws, but does that make you the person who has to look after them whenever she thinks you should...it would be polite and courteous of her to ask and not automatically assume this.
At 15 & 16 it should,nt be too difficult for their father to take some responsibility for his own children...hardly like asking him to have a couple of toddlers is it.
Stick to your guns...you have other grandchildren as well as these two and should be able to enjoy them all without all the stress and worry this situation seems to be causing.

Possibly she may be taking you for granted because it just hasn't occurred to her that you might be feeling put upon. Easy to assume you are happy with the situation if you have never objected before. Maybe she even assumes you enjoy the company. Perhaps you should send her another text saying you were sorry if your original sounded a bit harsh, but that you are finding it too hard looking after them so much. Hope it all works out for you.

Your relationship with your two GD's is the first step. Do they run rings around you ?ie want to go out of an evening. bring their friends around, stay up late when you want to lock up and go to bed ? if the answer is yes to ANY of these issues then NO I do not think you should have this responsibility. You must have a face to face with your daughter so think of yourself. Clearly you are in doubt as to whether you can cope with these demands of D or you wouldn't have put the question to GN. If you don't do it now then it will go on and on. Ask yourself what happens when your 15 and 16 year olds get to 17 and 18.?I would not question D as to where she is going what she is doing as the issue is why is it you are the one she comes to and why cannot others share the responsibility ?If she cannot see your point and you upset her then tough She will come 'round' they usually do but your health comes first.What would she do if you became ill?
Put this to her. Who would look after GD's then while she was away doing what she wanted to do.?

Crazy - Bear in mind that it is likely that in 2 or 3 years your GC’s lives will have changed a great deal. You will possibly then see very little of them.
For now explain to them that you need a bit of looking after now, they may surprise you by rising to the challenge.
You’ve enabled your daughter to take advantage, the message in your text is, perhaps, a long time overdue. I do feel it’s probably a mistake to mention GC’s father and his parents, not up to you.
For over 10 years I gave up my weekends - Friday afternoon to sometimes Monday morning - to care for a GC. I was often tired and stressed but did my best. Now I have my weekends back but I miss that GC’s company so much.
Everything passes with time.

Thanks all......very helpful replies.....I took great comfort from Jefm's comments "if you aren't seeing the person or you find it difficult to raise the subject a text is ok" and "do we really have to watch what we say with everyone". Too right!
She has not contacted me since. Quite frankly, I'm not going to make the first move. If my text has upset her that much, then I will have to conclude that she really doesn't care that much for me.
Yes, there is a new man on the scene. They are having their first proper date this evening....he is going to her place and he is going to cook her a meal. She told me this last week.
Hope he is nice and they get along well.

I think you need to have the conversation about them being old enough to look after themselves more. My GS 17 can look after himself but his sister 14 is visually impaired and autistic so my daughter can never leave her. Presumably yours don’t have special needs? As for the trip to France, I’d book a short trip away for myself that week and be unavailable and make your DD face up to her responsibilities.

Agnurse- You have a very TELLING approach. This blog is supposed to be helpful with positive suggestions. None of us know everything about every situation that is written about. We don't know the individuals concerned. It can be very appropriate to stand up and say no if you feel taken advantage of and while face to face my be the best thing to do if you arent seeing the person or you find it difficult to raise the issue a text is OK. Why do we feel so guilty for saying what we believe is right...and so what if she suggested her daughters ex could play a bigger part- its her daughter! do we really have to watch what we say with everyone- i have had to with my DIL for 13 years and its awful! So crazyH please dont feel guilty and if you can, do try a heart to heart . Yes mu guess is there is a man on the scene however your daughter still has a responsibility towards you and your well being. The teenagers will be fine no doubt they adore you too!

Oh dear! Why do we fire off texts in the heat of the moment? You would have thought by our age we would have learned some people skills.

Mightn’t it have been wiser to simply ask if it’s just for the one night?

I’d suggest you text again saying something like ‘ignore my last text, you caught me at a bad moment. Feeling a bit grumpy. Was it just the one night you wanted me to have the boys? I can probably manage that. Xxx’

Don't feel guilty about saying no but do get in touch and have a proper face to face heart tot heart. So much can be misinterpreted in a text and it's so impersonal. Face to face it's easier to judge what you might an say without causing bad feeling. If you are close to your daughter she will want to know how you are feeling and there may be things you don't know. When you think about something for too long without discussing it things can get out of,proportion.

I don't think you should feel guilty about anything you have said and done. You do have yourself and your health to care for. The thing that puzzles me is why she is having so much time away, is there a new man on the scene, is the holiday in France time away with him or just fun few days with friends and how long has this been going on, nothing wrong with this but for how long will this go on? I think maybe a heart to heart with your daughter

I’ve said it before here and I’ll say it again, one of my 7 grandchildren has a medical problem. I have ALWAYS been there for her and her mum (she was married to the child’s father till the child was eight) what we found out after..... well. At any rate this grandchild is my soulmate. My husband and I used travel a lot, but have decided, with the new medical complications, we are going to curtail this for awhile as she and her mother need us. (I am 67). I collect her from school every day and take her home. If her brother or partner isn’t there, I stay till one of them is. Her brother is gorgeous and tells me every day that he loves me so much. There is always a kiss and cuddle when I come and when I leave. (Not bad for a nearly 17 year old apprentice)! I’m even going on holidays with my daughter, her daughter and partner, so that my daughter can have some fun with her partner, he is lovely. As I told my girls when they were growing up...a real baby isn’t something you can dump in the toy box when you don’t want to be a mum anymore. Once you are a mother, you are a mother for the rest of your life! Particularly, with daughters. To quote... A son is a son till he takes him a wife, but a daughter is a daughter for all of your (her) life. You are lucky, there are many out there who would give their right arm to be in your position! Sending a text was cold.

Glad you are sticking to your guns. Face to face would have been better.
Sooner or later you will have to put yourself first. I hope that you have decided the time is now.
It is widespread our children leaving our grandchildren with us and expecting us to be there at very short notice.
I was at Knowsley Safari Park the other day with my 4 year old granddaughter and saw a couple of grandparents with their granddaughter.
" Free child minding service " I quipped.
" Yes, but its certainly not free, is it? Its expensive. " was the reply.

Hi CrazyH
I also think you should consider speaking face to face with her. You might need to set that up by speaking to her on the phone. Perhaps she thinks it's company for you and if you aren't in the best of health they are the ones keeping an eye on you. Or perhaps she really does trust your judgement better than the others. You are the one she is closest too. Personally I wouldn't let a stand off continue as it can lead to permanent damage. I hope you find a way forward that suits everyone. All the best G

Luckygirl is exactly right, I can't add any more to her advice.

TBH I do think that the text was perhaps not the best way of dealing with this. Maybe you need to sit down with her/them and say how much you love the children and how privileged you feel that she is happy to entrust them to you;but that sometimes you feel quite tired, so can you all talk about the best way of dealing with that; and also make plans for the French trip.

There will be a way through this; but face-to-face is definitely the way forward. A text can be misinterpreted - OK for emotion-free communications, but not for this situation.

Thanks all....I really think she takes me for granted....I'm on my own, not much going on in my life ...dont get me wrong I have joined a seniors group, have quite a few friends. But I have never said "no" to her. They are my first two of 6 grandkids and I have been involved in looking after them, since they were born. But I was 16 years younger then.
She hasn't got in touch since my text. She realises I mean business. She doesn't know what's hit her. And I am sticking to my guns. As I suggested, she can ask their Dad to do his parenting bit.

Please, please don’t feel guilty. I was going to say I don't know what has changed since we were young parents, but actually I do know, nice as they are a lot of adult children expect to have it all & expect Grandparents to be almost full time unpaid child minders ( not that being paid would make it any better & most of us wouldn’t want to be) & it’s just not on, it’s hard to be firm but you (we) have to be realistic & maybe that is a good way to start a conversation ie Saying something along the lines of :whilst I am happy to help out I think a week is too much responsibility so I’m afraid it’s not possible, Good luck,stay firm & don’t feel guilty

How can she be planning a week-long trip abroad if she hasn't already dealt with arrangements for the DCs?
It's ridiculous that she thinks she can just assume a full week of care.
I love having my GCs (9+8) but have to be realistic as there's only one of me!
For a long time I picked them up from school on Friday
- fed, bathed and entertained them until Sunday morning when their father picked them up.
I found I was exhausted every Sunday and effectively lost a day a week.
I had to say it was too much so now dad picks up after tea on Saturday, allowing me to clear up and collapse in a heap on Saturday evening but getting my Sundays back!
I hope that when they are 16+15 they can be alone overnight as long as mum/dad/gran is just a call away!

I expect you get asked the most because she feels the GC are safe with you and AC are notorious for not realising that their parents are ageing. Looks like a face to face chat sometime might be a good idea, bearing in mind that by next year neither child will really need looking after. You will probably then find you see much less of them anyway. If the ex hasn't done much up to now its unlikely he is suddenly going to step in, although he may want more contact when they are adults. If your health can take it I would make the most of this year.

I think BlueBelle may well be right, possible she trusts you more than anyone else. You don't say anything about the others you think should help, does your daughter have reason to be less comfortable leaving the children with them. So many women actually deny their ex access to the children so there could be such a problem which maybe you don't know about.

No point in telling you that you were wrong to text, to late to change that and I think luckylegs suggestion sound like a good idea.

I must have been incredibly lucky because my Sons at 15 were more than capable of looking after themselves and could be trusted completely. I went on holiday for a week when the youngest was 15 and left them to their own devices. If they needed any help their Dad was at the end of the phone and would have stepped in but it wasn't necessary.
Apart from that we don't know what kind of relationship you have with your Daughter so only you know what kind of things you can say to her but no you shouldn't have to pussyfoot around. I can't see ther's any harm in bringing Dad into the conversation which may even allow her to air any grievances she has with his role in their lives. It does sound as though you are bearing more than your fair share so if you feel it's too much then you should say so.