Help coping with emotions re elderly parents

thanks folks, I feel less isolated.

Hi Old Batty - wow, some of this could be me.
I really want to drop the resentment I feel around my ninety plus mother, now living in a care home. And the other posters - yep our mum did the divide and rule triangulation between myself and my two brothers.

My mum, having sold her house, so with a hefty bank balance is now planning to give her grandson money to pay off debts - tuition fees, soopah doopah wedding and honeymoon. And to throw in a deposit for buying a flat (in her eyes are first grandchild emojis).

Yep, I’m feeling bitter, he’s ‘natch not my son, but the only grandson. There are four granddaughters, of which I have
two, but “ the girls will be alright because they’ll get rich husbands” .

It’s as if my mum who is very fond of her grandson is asking my permission for her to “lend” him money. And to facilitate it - help with the paperwork.

Both my mum and myself agree he is unlikely to pay it back.

So Batty, yep, feels like we can love them, our mothers, but our capacity to trigger those old resentments around the past spring up with a new trigger again and again.

Good luck with today - take the long view, and yep, a hefty swig of red,
Cheers!

I have great sympathy for the OP and all others who had fraught relationships with their parents.
I can empathise, as my childhood was horrid, but while my siblings prefer to nurse their anger, I decided that our parents had been through rough times themselves, and had never been taught to be loving, kind people.
Consequently they did the best they could, which was rubbish, but perhaps not their fault.
In that way I have been able to let it go, and I am certain I hurt less now than my siblings do.
I wish peace to everyone with troubled past.

Thanks ReadyMeals and annsixty.
Best wishes oldbatty.

Ethelbags ?

My sympathies to this poster. I row often with my mother when she goes shopping ans stands for ages deciding wether to buy ham at 2.00 or ham at 2.50. I rage at her because she can afford it. I suppose she has always crimped so will not change now. I think there may be a small inheritance but I would rather she spent her money on herself

so sorry folks if i caused any upset.

I understand you perfectly holdingon and shared your sentiment.
That poster is often unpleasant.

holdingontometeeth I read your post as sarcastic towards the unpleasant poster. If oldbatty was referring to you as well I expect it was because she was smarting from the other post and it coloured her interpretation of the next post too.

I hope you weren't referring to me oldbatty.

"I will get over it, no thanks to people like you 2."

My one liner was laced with sarcasm.
Further up the thread I had contributed my thoughts which were sympathetic to your life experiences.

I know you have had some very sad times Annie, but that is lovely really.

We got nothing for Christmas.

When my daughters married, my father an ex coal miner who hadn’t worked for some years due to coal dust in his lungs and my mother paid for both evening receptions, the year my husband died they paid for me and my little girls to have two week holiday at the coast and came with us. And from the year I was widowed untill my daughters married they never failed to buy the Christmas turkey and all that goes with the day for us so I could buy the presents. This is what parents do surely?

oldbatty Take no notice of one unpleasant poster. I think many people on here understand, and can relate to, how you feel.

re the holiday we booked it and my husband was on strike. Not a choice you understand, the industry called a strike. No money , no holiday.

I truly am appalled that parents who are well off as in the case of Batty's parents and who are elderly, will not help their children. What are they going to do with their money?

batty, please don’t let that post trouble you x

how absolutely foul of you. Did you read anything I wrote?

I have struggled for years with abusive parents. I find accidently they have a huge amount of money.

I reflect on times when a small amount would have made a big difference to me, and my children.

I , of course realise this reflection is pointless and congratulate myself on not repeating the same pattern.

I did realise when I wrote my starting comment that I would invite a range of comments. Most have been brilliant, thanks one and all.

I will get over it, no thanks to people like you 2.

A very helpful contribution Mabon!.

Get over it for goodness sake Many of us have to struggle living from hand to mouth for years and years without a hope of a hand out from anyone and manage somehow and never complain. Why do you think you are so deserving?

I suppose there are different definitions of hardship too. Long ago I was so grateful for the £7 child allowance so we could eat for the weekend, even though DH was working! I wouldn't have booked a holiday we couldn't afford and managed with furniture we had until we could replace it. It was instilled in us from childhood to pay our own way. I knew my DM's feelings about getting into debt, coming from a poor family she had a horror of the 'never never' and spending over their means. They still remember people that went into the workhouse. They had a hairy couple of years with intermittent illness where they still had to manage rent and bills. Also, as children of the war years they learnt how to make do and not be wasteful. They only ever lent us money for bills and food and paying it back was a priority. Unfortunately when we eventually got in better circumstances, as we both worked hard, it made me more prone to spoil our DC! It's not done at least one of them any favours and budgeting is not a strong point with any of them. I wish I'd been slightly more like my DPs. You can't get inside their heads to find out why they didn't help you so perhaps you can follow advice on GN to let it go.

Were your parents mean with you when you lived with them, or is it just the knowledge of their savings, which you feel could have been used to help you, which rankles?
It is their money; they are the generation which could not spend, having been through the Depression, and you don't really have any right to expect them to use their savings. Probably they are holding on to their money to pay for their old age, which is precisely what my father did, and the whole considerable sum was swallowed in care home fees. I don't feel bitter; it was his money to spend how he chose, but I do grudge the fact that he could have given my mother a better, more comfortable life.

Maybe they are worried about needing care and not being a burden on their children. You don't say how much the substantial sum is, but a care home or full time carer costs £50-£60k a year, so even substantial sums can be eaten up quite quickly. Don't let resentment poison your relationship. I assume you will inherit at some stage anyway.

oldbatty I relate very much to what you say. My mum is very well off but is also very tight. When I suggest her spending £10-15 on her grandchildren's/great grandchildren's birthday presents (there are only 5 of them) she says that's too much. She has the same attitude towards people she employs to help in the house and garden - reluctantly paying only the minimum wage. I end up trying to make up for the paltry amount they get by giving them a cheque at Christmas, which doesn't exactly please my husband.

Although it has never been expected or requested, we have always been happy to help our children practically and financially and I don't understand why a parent, if they are realistically able to, would not want to give their children a helping hand.

I think perhaps the hoarding of money in older years may be to do with wanting 'control' of something, as people feel less in control in other areas of their lives.

Like Luckylegs, I am a giver.....gave away most of what I had to my children. I now have enough to see me through. I have a friend who is much better off than me and yet, she clings on to her wealth. I told her it's better to give your kids the money now, when they are young...to pay off their mortgage etc. There are people who love money for the sake of it and not for how it can help others.