My children can't deal with my honesty

I don’t believe what I have just read. How can anybody be so self-important. If you can’t keep your nasty thoughts to yourself you deserve everything you get back! Age is supposed to bring wisdom... but not to all it seems.

So far everyone thinks it’s totally your own fault. How do you feel about that bit of plain speaking. Cross? Hurt? Frustrated that nobody sees your point of view? Want to walk away and not come back?

You’ve only had a couple of hours of it. Imagine how a lifetime of this feels for your children......

deblee31 I am sorry you are sad but really as others have said you have brought this on yourself. You need to develop a self edit and learn some tact and diplomacy. My mother was like this and we all avoided her and she had no friends, she damaged all of us. She also thought it was Ok to be 'forthright' to us as adults and spoilt the grandchildren - doesn't work like that. I suggest you start building bridges before its too late.

You 'say how you feel' and appear to take a pride in this; your sons have grown up with this, but their partners and your stepdaughter have not. They perceive it as rude and hurtful.
Being blunt, telling it how it is, while it pleases you, is clearly having a bad effect on your family relationships. You do need to examine your outspokenness and consider exercising some moderation and diplomacy.

There is a difference between "honesty" and forcing your views on others on the assumption that you are right.

The place to start is with apologies.

Rule number one of being a mother-in-law and a grandparent is "Zip the Lip."

Oh dear, it sounds as if your children have learned to speak their minds too!
But sad, that what they have to say is so hurtful to you. However, if you cast your mind back, how often was your “honesty” a criticism? A put down? Negative? Perhaps cutting?
So often people preface that sort of remark with something like “I speak as I find....” as if that excuses them the basic courtesies of sensitivity or tact.
Based on what you have told us, I fear you have created this situation by your “outspokenness” and now it has come back to bite you on the bum. Teenage children strain our patience at the best of times and relationships are often strained, but recognising the phase, treating it with the experience of your own life, plus some empathy usually gets us through it after a fashion.
You could sit down individually with your sons and stepdaughter and say something along the lines of “You have criticised me as a mum and I freely admit I have made mistakes. I know my outspokenness often gets me into hot water, but I am the way that I am and it is because I love you. You are a great parent and your children are so lucky to have you and “X”, I hate not being in your lives and if I promise that I will never knowingly upset you or the kids, please could we try again?”
You have created this situation and unless you can want to change, who is to say it won’t repeat itself with the grandchildren?
“What goes around comes around” often sad but true.
It’s not too late - although I’m afraid your counsellor’s advice to cut your losses sounds doomed to even more unhappiness. Perhaps a different sort of counselling might be useful?

Oh my lord if I spoke everything that went across my mind I wouldn't have a friend in the world left! We have to keep our brain filters on especially with our grown up children, I am a quite upfront person too but know when to keep quiet.

I have two sons and would never do anything to upset them deliberately or my DIL's. How they choose to live, bring up grandchildren etc is none of our concern quite honestly, I do have a great relationship with them all but I put in the work, be there when they need me, back off when I sense they don't. Anything I feel I want to say but can't I let off to my husband and then let it go, nothing would hurt me more than alienating my children and grandchildren.

Time to build bridges now instead of recoiling in horror at how you feel you are being treated, maybe they are being a little harsh but we have to take responsibility for our own actions too, good luck!

Why should your children tolerate your plain speaking when you will not tolerate theirs? They are doing to you what you are doing to them. Sauce for the goose is sauce for the gander.

Think about how you want them to treat you - presumably with kindness and respect and then treat them with kindness and respect. None of us are perfect and just because someone doesn't do or think like you does not mean that they are in the wrong.

I am very suspicious of councillors who tell you what you want to hear.

I find it a very strange part of modern society that ‘saying it how it is’ has become a synonym for being as rude as you want, and expecting others to just put up with it. I urge you to look at it from your ac points of view. You say you are hurt by the lack of contact etc, well imagine how they feel being constantly judged and criticised by their own mother! They have been hurt by your behaviour, (regardless of whether it was your intention, this is what’s happened) and naturally want to protect their own children from feeling the same pain.

I urge you to follow ContraryMary88 advice. Learn to bite your tongue. Enjoy your grandchildren, and don’t make the same mistakes as you did with your own children. Hopefully in time and your ac will see how hard you are trying, and reactions will improve.

I can’t imagine what sort of counsellor you saw but counselling isn’t about telling you what to do it’s about exploring your thoughts and feelings and dealings so if a counsellor REALLY told you to skip your children’s generation and concentrate on the next she is not worth a penny of your money How can you skip a generation ? That’s so daft because of course your children have complete control over the next gerneration so you ll end up seeing no one
I m afraid if ALL my children were telling me something by their actions and withdrawing from me I d be very aware that it was me that was causing the problem
Your last question What can we do?
Change your attitude, learn to keep your overt thoughts to yourself apologise to your children and don’t be so proud of your outspokenness it’s not necessary to say everything out loud ( think what you like no one can know your thoughts) learn a bit of humility you can’t always be right

Of course you won’t like what I ve just said so I ll now wait for your outspoken reply

It seems you should look at your interaction with your family if they all feel the same way
deblee31 straight talking is well and good at times but at others tact and diplomacy is called for. I have a tendency to say what I think but have learned from experience to bite my tongue at times.
You can always sound off to your husband or on GN when you get frustrated. I would do what Diana54 suggests and back off for a while give yourself time to reflect.

Family politics are very important you cannot criticize all the time or when it goes wrong say " I told you so" or interfere or talk about them behind their backs. I suggest you back off, remember birthdays and Christmas and find activities that you and your husband can enjoy. It may take a while but they will come round.

Part of getting on with people is to hold your tongue, if you can’t say anything nice don’t say anything at all, is what I was always told.
You can’t fix a problem by doing the same thing that caused it and if you treat your GCs the same as you did your children then you will have exactly the same relationship with them as well.
It’s so sad, but you know the problem and you know how to fix it.