My children can't deal with my honesty

Part of getting on with people is to hold your tongue, if you can’t say anything nice don’t say anything at all, is what I was always told.
You can’t fix a problem by doing the same thing that caused it and if you treat your GCs the same as you did your children then you will have exactly the same relationship with them as well.
It’s so sad, but you know the problem and you know how to fix it.

Family politics are very important you cannot criticize all the time or when it goes wrong say " I told you so" or interfere or talk about them behind their backs. I suggest you back off, remember birthdays and Christmas and find activities that you and your husband can enjoy. It may take a while but they will come round.

It seems you should look at your interaction with your family if they all feel the same way
deblee31 straight talking is well and good at times but at others tact and diplomacy is called for. I have a tendency to say what I think but have learned from experience to bite my tongue at times.
You can always sound off to your husband or on GN when you get frustrated. I would do what Diana54 suggests and back off for a while give yourself time to reflect.

I can’t imagine what sort of counsellor you saw but counselling isn’t about telling you what to do it’s about exploring your thoughts and feelings and dealings so if a counsellor REALLY told you to skip your children’s generation and concentrate on the next she is not worth a penny of your money How can you skip a generation ? That’s so daft because of course your children have complete control over the next gerneration so you ll end up seeing no one
I m afraid if ALL my children were telling me something by their actions and withdrawing from me I d be very aware that it was me that was causing the problem
Your last question What can we do?
Change your attitude, learn to keep your overt thoughts to yourself apologise to your children and don’t be so proud of your outspokenness it’s not necessary to say everything out loud ( think what you like no one can know your thoughts) learn a bit of humility you can’t always be right

Of course you won’t like what I ve just said so I ll now wait for your outspoken reply

I find it a very strange part of modern society that ‘saying it how it is’ has become a synonym for being as rude as you want, and expecting others to just put up with it. I urge you to look at it from your ac points of view. You say you are hurt by the lack of contact etc, well imagine how they feel being constantly judged and criticised by their own mother! They have been hurt by your behaviour, (regardless of whether it was your intention, this is what’s happened) and naturally want to protect their own children from feeling the same pain.

I urge you to follow ContraryMary88 advice. Learn to bite your tongue. Enjoy your grandchildren, and don’t make the same mistakes as you did with your own children. Hopefully in time and your ac will see how hard you are trying, and reactions will improve.

Why should your children tolerate your plain speaking when you will not tolerate theirs? They are doing to you what you are doing to them. Sauce for the goose is sauce for the gander.

Think about how you want them to treat you - presumably with kindness and respect and then treat them with kindness and respect. None of us are perfect and just because someone doesn't do or think like you does not mean that they are in the wrong.

I am very suspicious of councillors who tell you what you want to hear.

Oh my lord if I spoke everything that went across my mind I wouldn't have a friend in the world left! We have to keep our brain filters on especially with our grown up children, I am a quite upfront person too but know when to keep quiet.

I have two sons and would never do anything to upset them deliberately or my DIL's. How they choose to live, bring up grandchildren etc is none of our concern quite honestly, I do have a great relationship with them all but I put in the work, be there when they need me, back off when I sense they don't. Anything I feel I want to say but can't I let off to my husband and then let it go, nothing would hurt me more than alienating my children and grandchildren.

Time to build bridges now instead of recoiling in horror at how you feel you are being treated, maybe they are being a little harsh but we have to take responsibility for our own actions too, good luck!

Oh dear, it sounds as if your children have learned to speak their minds too!
But sad, that what they have to say is so hurtful to you. However, if you cast your mind back, how often was your “honesty” a criticism? A put down? Negative? Perhaps cutting?
So often people preface that sort of remark with something like “I speak as I find....” as if that excuses them the basic courtesies of sensitivity or tact.
Based on what you have told us, I fear you have created this situation by your “outspokenness” and now it has come back to bite you on the bum. Teenage children strain our patience at the best of times and relationships are often strained, but recognising the phase, treating it with the experience of your own life, plus some empathy usually gets us through it after a fashion.
You could sit down individually with your sons and stepdaughter and say something along the lines of “You have criticised me as a mum and I freely admit I have made mistakes. I know my outspokenness often gets me into hot water, but I am the way that I am and it is because I love you. You are a great parent and your children are so lucky to have you and “X”, I hate not being in your lives and if I promise that I will never knowingly upset you or the kids, please could we try again?”
You have created this situation and unless you can want to change, who is to say it won’t repeat itself with the grandchildren?
“What goes around comes around” often sad but true.
It’s not too late - although I’m afraid your counsellor’s advice to cut your losses sounds doomed to even more unhappiness. Perhaps a different sort of counselling might be useful?

Rule number one of being a mother-in-law and a grandparent is "Zip the Lip."

There is a difference between "honesty" and forcing your views on others on the assumption that you are right.

The place to start is with apologies.

You 'say how you feel' and appear to take a pride in this; your sons have grown up with this, but their partners and your stepdaughter have not. They perceive it as rude and hurtful.
Being blunt, telling it how it is, while it pleases you, is clearly having a bad effect on your family relationships. You do need to examine your outspokenness and consider exercising some moderation and diplomacy.

deblee31 I am sorry you are sad but really as others have said you have brought this on yourself. You need to develop a self edit and learn some tact and diplomacy. My mother was like this and we all avoided her and she had no friends, she damaged all of us. She also thought it was Ok to be 'forthright' to us as adults and spoilt the grandchildren - doesn't work like that. I suggest you start building bridges before its too late.

So far everyone thinks it’s totally your own fault. How do you feel about that bit of plain speaking. Cross? Hurt? Frustrated that nobody sees your point of view? Want to walk away and not come back?

You’ve only had a couple of hours of it. Imagine how a lifetime of this feels for your children......

I don’t believe what I have just read. How can anybody be so self-important. If you can’t keep your nasty thoughts to yourself you deserve everything you get back! Age is supposed to bring wisdom... but not to all it seems.

Being straightforward is all very well as long as you realise you will probably hurt people and can deal with the consequences.

My mother acted in a similar way OP. She freely spoke her mind and told the truth. She had no filter on her mouth and so whatever flittered across her brain was spoken. As dementia caught up with her, the “truth” as she saw it became bitter and cruel. She alienated every friend she had over some perceived slight or injustice. My own children, then adults, stopped going to see her as she managed to turn every aspect of their lives into a big fat negative. But out of love you understand!!
She could never see what the issue was. Telling someone they had put on a few pounds and could do with going on a diet was seen by her as constructive advice. Daily I had to bite my tongue as she berated me for whatever was uppermost in her mind that day.
People who speak their mind can be refreshing, in very small doses. Generally the wheels of civilisation turn more freely with tact and diplomacy. Often, just keeping your mouth firmly shut and your opinions to yourself.

My gran used to say if six Jewish Rabbis tell you your sick, lie down.

When the general consensus of my loved ones all behave in a similar way, I have to hold my hands up and question me. It's not a criticism OP, it's a maxim that I've tried really hard to pay attention to.

Hope you get there.

You can't have it both ways. If you "tell it like it is" to them, and think you have the answer to everything in life, then they in turn will "tell it like it is" to you, and point out your faults to you.

Sounds as though all five of them think that you are critical, harsh, controlling and totally without any understanding of how "they" may feel about the tongue-lashings you give them. Five to one is good odds that they are the ones with the truth - time you took a good look at yourself and learnt how to change your attitude.

It's one thing to be honest, and honest is generally good, but it's another thing to be hurtful. We all have to learn to button our lip or we would have no family or friends left.
Some people can dish it out but can't take it. I don't want to be unkind, and I am sorry you are suffering now, but maybe a long hard look at yourself is needed. A slice of humble pie might help matters.

deblee31, you ask "What should we do?" so that's where I'll start.
First off I expect the responses you've just read on here have not been what you expected or hoped for so you need to take a big breath and try to deal with whatever defensive thoughts are uppermost - allow yourself time to process the opinions expressed.
Then you need to decide if being 'right' is more important than building bridges. You may feel that the problem is with your family, but that's not going to fix anything, so are you prepared to accept that you need to make some changes? Will your husband support and help you to do this?
If you are prepared to make some changes then I think perhaps you need to start by making contact with each of your children and telling them how important they are to you and how much you love them (if you do). Explain that changes take time, but if they will encourage you and be patient you will try to change your ways and will do your best to rebuild your relationship with them. You can tell them that this has been a painful time and that it has never been your intention to hurt them. Perhaps your husband could become your 'critical friend' who you can talk to and vent with, but will encourage you to do that only with him.
I suspect as you read these comments you're thinking the responses are unfair and you're not wholly at fault - and I'm sure that is true - but many of the responses you've read here have come from grans who have almost made their tongues bleed by biting them in situations that may have caused a rift. They are wise women who exhort you to change your ways or risk losing precious contact with children and grandchildren.
Please come back and tell us your thoughts; there's been a lot of straight talking on this thread, but there is also a great deal of kindliness to be found here.

Oh dear, there is a reason why we have two ears and just one mouth and fortunately we have two hands to hold the mouth closed too! If you cannot say anything nice then just don't say anything at all.

Apologise to them all without delay if you don't want to be totally on your own for the rest of your days!

My late mother was always critical ,the day before she died she told me not to wear trousers when visiting her as I "was tto fat for trousers" I was a size 12!I was so used to her criticisms I just accepted them after all My sister was the "Beautiful one" and the youngest was her "gorgeous baby" even when that sister didn't see or speak to her for over a decade.
It was a different matter when my OH's best friend who also says "he says as he sees" decided I was his target and criticised everything from my home decor to my appearance in my wedding photos.I no longer spend any time in his company .I fully understand why your family has cut you off...in my opinion if you want them back you need to apologise and stop being obnoxious .It really is that simple .

Don’t agree with the ‘ if you can’t say anything nice say nothing at all’ advice (sometimes plain speaking is the better option.)
However, plain speaking all the time is another matter, and has to be judged finely!
You are where you are, so, from here I would ask your children and step daughter what has upset them , any one comment or just the fact that you always speak your mind?
Ask them if you can all ‘start again’....hopefully it’s not too late.Good luck.

You say “what can WE do”

Are the family prepared to see your DH as long as you are not there?