Problem with our DIL

Perhaps it is also a question of the fact that we have not lived in the UK since 1975 - a very long time, and find it difficult to adapt when there. Maybe this "vibe" is encroaching on the relationship - who knows, despite that our DIL's mother is/was a middle-Euroean refugee way back when. But all your comments have been assimilated = thank you again.

Monkeebeat, if you scroll to the bottom of the page and click on Acronyms it will bring up a list. Good luck.

Agree with others on the DIL problem.

Lilihu I see you asked for my post to be deleted? Was it the fact that called you judgemental?

No! It couldn’t be because that’s exactly what you called several others on this thread. Yes, exactly that word.

And of course a very junior admin person at GNHQ just did as you asked? Pathetic HQ.

PS I’ll probably get chucked off the site now, like some others I could mention. Don’t care.

Hi just picking up on this so not sure though I have skimmed through if anyone has suggested that you and your DH look after the girls for a couple of nights in their home whilst your DS &DIL go out/away? That way you get to see DGC and you do not make DIL feel stressed.

Old Meg, it was not because you called me judgemental. It was because your comments directly to me, were insulting, belittling and personal.
It seems you feel entitled to say whatever you fancy but anyone who doesn’t agree deserves a tongue lashing from you.
If HQ are against personal attacks, I think this makes them strong not pathetic.

I wonder if your DIL's behaviour feels quite normal to her, we have people to stay, family and friends, some will disappear and read in their room or not be particularly chatty at times over a 3/4 day visit. I always take a book with me so I don't have to be entertained or talked to all the time. She has not said she won't have you to visit so I would let things be enjoy the grandchildren and take yourselves off visiting something or someone during the course of the visit to give her some time off. Hosting visits is not everybody cup of tea.

I don't see it as a big problem. I would make sure you stay close by and not with them for the annual visit. And before you book it just say to your son that for this upcoming visit you have decided to stay elsewhere " because we all need our space as we get older"! If he protests (mildly) then just insist this is best for all th family - yours and theirs!

So count your blessings - your son is still in regular contact and you Skype with the grandchildren each week - so learn to just work around your daughter in law and her space issue. If you can't see the benefit of this, then I think you are definitely the one making a mountain out of a molehill

When we visit overseas we go for several weeks - but pitch in with household chores (and read a lot).
We're not in each other's pockets all day every day.

Evianers, I'm glad you appreciate our advice. I think you're right that the problem between DIL and her own mum is key. If she barely speaks to her own mum, how much more can you and DH expect from her? I agree with the GNer who said her mum shouldn't have complained about her to you and that it's unusual for a mother to do that. However, I think that unusual behavior just underscores how serious a problem there may be between her and her mum. Might mean she just can't deal with interacting with any other "parents" right now.

Be that as it may, I'm glad you've decided to let her just be as she is and not worry about it anymore. Enjoy DS and the grands!

I have a dil who is somewhat like the one described. I truly feel for you. But what I have done is to not worry my son who is trying to keep the peace though I feel he shouldn't be in this situation. I take the grandchildren on mini holidays and day excursions and help with the homework. This is not what I wanted or expected but it seems to work. And I think the grandchildren will remember these good times. I make sure that there is some educational discussion as well as fun.

I was that DIL, I'm ashamed to say. I could only take his family in small doses so escaped to our room whenever I could pleading tiredness -true.
With the advent of airbnb it's noticeable how many parents and GPS choose to stay there to be less in the way but also to have their own freedom.
We're lucky we can go for a day trip to one but unlucky that our DC lives the other side of the world.

Dear Evianers, please don’t be upset by your DiL - your DiL was distant with her parents and so you haven't been singled out, it’s just how she is, so please try not to take her actions personally. You Skype your son and grandchildren every week and see them a couple of times a year (different countries, etc) which is great.

Thinking about it, I don’t think that my husband says much at all to my father - he doesn’t dislike my father at all, but he’s happy to let me do the visiting and telephoning.

And I do very much hope that my in-laws didn’t ever think that I was standoffish when we stayed with them (they lived in another country) but we tried not to spend too long in their house so that they were not too tired from our chatting.

My in-laws never stayed with any of their four children and families when they visited but always went to a hotel so that they could do their own thing, they had a good time in the hotel, could invite others over for a meal, etc, and they said that they didn’t want to get underfoot in other people’s houses. People are just different!

Very glad that you have found some of the posts to be helpful. ?

Ha! I disagree with Greengal and another poster who say (not verbatim) that it's 'not on' for a mother to criticise her AC to the other MiL or anyone else, presumably.
I, for one freely, but not on social media, acknowledge the shortcomings of my children and do not take their side come what may.
To do that is IMO, a step too far.
Hatchet jobs are out but a bit of healthy admission regarding their failings or other traits is ok in my book and I can bite bullets too.
Equally, I am first in line to dole out praise. To think my kids are perfect is ridiculous.

I hear you, Gabriella, but it's not a matter of thinking one's kids are "perfect," but rather of not throwing them under the bus. People venting about their AC here is understandable, I think, because they are coming here for support or advice. And we don't know their AC, so aren't likely to repeat anything back to them (not saying the OP would either). But badmouthing one's AC to their MIL or anyone else who knows them (except maybe one's own spouse or any regular confidante) seems very tricky to me. Especially if one is aware of any tensions between them and one's AC (don't know if this DIL's mum is aware of anything like that) - too easy for them to use one's comments as ammunition against one's AC. I don't think my DD is perfect, but I'm still "Team DD."

If dil knows her mum has spokeen to mil about her being ' difficult' that is possibly why she retreats!

janeainsworth/muffin,... not having visitor privileges is definitely a compliment in my book .
Nothing better than being accepted as 'one of the family' !!

lilihu.....agree with your comments and also the one about SSDGM post too!

Apart from your dil's own family background which may have a role in her views, I would agree with those posters who suggest that your dil is probably an introvert. I also like my own space and often need some time out from busy social and family gatherings, to take a walk, retreat to another room, go outside or disappear to read. It's not about the other people it's about me so it's a not rejection of others just my need for some time out. Just accept that this is how she is and let it be. If other accommodation arrangements make your visits work better then do that. It's not an impasse just the need to respect that we are all different.

I think the main problem is you are judging your daughter in law to be in the wrong and somehow slighting you but everyone is different with different levels of tolerance
She doesn’t sound rude just private, you are personalising her behaviour. She isn’t stopping you from seeing your granddaughters (I can’t bring myself to say ‘ girlies’ ? but again each to his own) or your son, she isn’t banning you from visiting
In your original post you say ‘we are at our wits end’ ...why?
Your son has been married ten years so she must be doing something right shouldn’t you be over the moon they are obviously happy and a tight unit
I m curious, when do you see the mother to swap notes about the daughter, that sounds a bit strange, and why the sentence about the mother being an Eastern European refugee do you think that has any relevance? And do you really find it SO hard to adapt to your old country for a five day stay, five days! you ve hardly got your suitcase unpacked and your visiting your family not on a sightseeing tour
I think like some others your expectations are way too high

I've come to this late and not read all the posts but would say if you are still able to communicate with your son and GC that is the main thing. So many families let such rifts tear them apart until there is no communication at all. If you are able to stay somewhere out of their house when you visit that would be for the best to give your DIL the space she seems to need. I wouldn't try to get her to change at this stage - given her difficulties with her own parents she possibly has no yardstick to measure relationships with parents with.

We had my family here from NZ for 6 weeks earlier this year and we both found it incredibly stressful - my husband more so than me as I knew how hard it would be. It was wonderful to see them and spend time together but after being on our own for so long we are very set in our ways and the disruption from every angle was hard to cope with - my DIL must have found it difficult at times too as she would sometimes disappear into their room on her phone for a while.

My husband went out to stay with them for a week 2 years ago and also said he would never do that again either - living in someone's house with their routines and feeling like he was in the way all the time took it's toll on him. It's often better to just do your own thing and plan visits and time together although I realise the costs of such things is often prohibitive.

I hope you find a way forward eventually.

I enjoy having house guests but can see that the more routine you have the more difficult it must be to have to manage additional people. We live quite chaotically so it is possibly harder for guests!

You say that your do not want to alienate your son and that he is between a rock and a hard place. However, it does need to take some responsibility for the breakdown of this relationship as he is the one who lives with her and the only one who can act as mediator. Surely he could speak to her and ask her why? After all he seems to be getting off easily. He sees that you are hurt by the situation and therefore intervene a little. It is so easy to always blame the DIL. Maybe when you visit, staying in a nearby hotel is a good idea as previously suggested.

I would like to share some thoughts as I’m much like your DIL. I’m not depressed or austistic and I’m close to my parents; I’m just not wired for long-term guests and my parents are the same. I echo what others have said about your “it’s just five days” comment - that’s coming through loud and clear and feels dismissive to her.

Some other questions:
1. Are you a Chatty Cathy? My MIL is (and my Aunt) and it’s exhausting.
2. Do you pitch in financially? My in-laws expect red carpet treatment. We can afford it and they don’t visit often, so I roll with it, but we spent two grand during their last visit.
3. Do you try to run the show? (My MIL doesn’t do this but my maternal grandmother did.)

Your DIL isn’t keeping you from family, so just let her do her own thing. It’s not personal.

Have you heard the saying: guests and fish go off after three days?
I heartily agree.