Has your husband ever had an affair and how would you react

Is getting emotionally intimate with someone classed as cheating, would any/everyone say?

It depends on so much. Mine was an online cheat. Grubby and tacky stuff. Relationship before was on its knees. Now we get on fine, but feel happier without living with all that clag.

Why did he have an affair, he was 33 in his prime, very successful, attractive to women, he thought he could have a bit on the side, maybe like J R Ewing in Dallas, lucky for me she was a brainless bimbo who did not hang around.
Myself, I was a busy young mum concentrating on kids first not really paying him enough attention - taking him for granted if you like. I'm not blaming myself but afterwards I made sure I had time for him, putting makeup on, dressing better at home and I made sure I went out with him in the evenings.
I was surprised, he changed, I'm sure he fell in love with me for the first time, before that it was mostly physical with him, we were very close for the rest of our marriage.

ginny when things are difficult in a relationship it can be difficult to talk to the other person, or the other person may be defensive or not understand. Sometimes people, male and female, want to talk it over with those less involved - this is why women will talk to each other. I do not think men talk to any random woman but usually some one they know, who can offer sympathy and understanding. i do not think that any resulting affair is planned, but if you get mentally intimate with someone, physical intimacy often follows.

I took my wedding vows seriously - "and forsaking all others" - and I would be devastated if I thought my husband didn't feel the same.

If I had evidence that he had had an affair, then my trust in him would be utterly destroyed, and I would never trust him again. Once the trust has gone, then there's no going back for me.

And even if I had a change of heart on that front, there is no way on this earth I would accept him keeping in touch with the other woman.

I was always no way get rid if you found your husband having an affair. I found my husband was in contact with a woman who worked with him years ago. So I told him to go although that is what the woman wanted as she was single had never married. I even got the decree nisi. He asked me to meet him on one of my trips home. I did and it was obvious he was suffering from what I thought was depression . But both of us felt a spark and kept in contact. It turns out he has PTSD and the behaviour he had displayed was very typical. After a year of dating we got back together and life couldn't be better. The decree nisi was cancelled.

I agree good post Monica

Monica.....thank you for your post. It was apposite and however devastating an affair is for the wife or husband,just sometimes there can be some reason behind the actions which needs to be considered.

I left my 1st H as I was having an affair (with a married man) who left his wife for me, we were together for 10 years. When my DD was almost 5, her F (my 2nd H by then) left us for another woman, we were having financial problems which he couldn't face up to. He also knew when I found out about the affair his feet wouldn't have touched the ground.

I went back to College for 3 years & met my DH (no 3), I knew he wouldn't cheat as his parents had divorced & his ex had an affair. I would never have strayed either. I couldn't forgive as all the trust would have gone. I do agree it depends on the circumstances & your relationship prior to finding out about the affair. We were together for 23 years & I have been widowed for 5 years, I doubt I will ever have a man in my life now & love my single life

Two words. NO and GO.

My daughters father had an affair whilst we were dating. The day I found out, I walked, (we'd only discussed living together so nothing to share!). Three months later I discovered I was pregnant so gave him the option of contact. His reaction was to offer to pay for an abortion. I've not seen or spoken to him since! My daughter is now happily married, has 4 lovely children and has never met or missed her absent father.
As far as I'm concerned, they cheat once, end of relationship!

MOnica, surely a man should be talking to his wife about problems not some random woman. Most problems are caused by bad communication.

Well, my husband had an affair, for about 18 months with someone known to both if us. Initially I felt such a fool for not realising and went back (in my mind) over every possible event when I was betrayed. I decided to go to Relate. Initially he refused to join me so I went alone.. However, I said to him that the marriage was over if he would not participate (we had been married for about 40+ years with adult children). He realised that he wanted the relationship to continue so we had joint sessions which were really helpful. It took a while for him to completely finish the relationshop with the other woman but I think he eventually did. Our marriage survived, was rejuvenated and when, ten years later he died I was pleased that we had worked through the problems and had ten good years. I still see the other woman, she is local, and I feel no real bitterness for her, it was his choice to have the affair and she is a single woman who was looking (I think) for a new partmer. I am at peace with the situation and have no regrets.

I think I would be asking why the affair happened and for how long.

In a marriage things can go wrong, both separately and together. When things are difficult women turn to other women for comfort, support and shoulders to cry on. It doesn't work like that for men. Men do not admit weaknesses or talk about emotions to other men. They start drinking, or get depressed or talk to a sympathetic woman, who is not their wife and I can see how something like that can tip into an affair. For some men physical contact fills the place words fill for women

I wouldn't make any decision until I fully understood the hows and whys of what had happened. Infidelity can be a symptom not a cause.

lol Rufus, well I'm glad for your lovely Vera and your own sake that you "did as you were told". 62 years is a great success
Trust is the mainstay of a good relationship, myself and OH have been together for nearly 40 years and I have never had cause not to trust him nor he me.

Mine did after about 10 yrs of marriage, my bubble was burst I had 3 daughters I loved him and decided to fight back. I found out who she was, confronted her and told her to leave him alone and clear off I've never been closer to violence, ever.
She was just a young tart, she shrugged her shoulders and went.
As for him, he slept on the sofa for a few weeks, then I invited him back to bed, nothing was said, it was never mentioned again and as far as I know it never happened again.
As some compensation I got a new kitchen out of it!.

I would institute divorce proceedings after nearly killing the dear man!

IF he promised me he had ended the affair and that it would never happen again, I might reconsider the divorce AFTER he had been to the doctor and could prove he had neither contracted HIV or any form of venereal disease.

How would I react? Well it happened and I definitely didn’t react as I had expected. I would have told you that I would kick him out but I didn’t. I found out by accident, she was the same age as our youngest child and absolutely tenacious. I had multiple telephone calls from her and her mother telling me to let him go as I was ruining his life. Maybe that is what made me dig my heels in and it was certainly not easy. For nine months after my discovery they were still in contact and I’m quite sure I was still being deceived, however, we did work at our relationship and now 17 years later, I’m glad I did. In the interim both of our children have married and we have four beautiful grandchildren . If we had split up, I cannot imagine how those relationships would have turned out. Disturbingly, 3 years ago, fourteen years after their affair, the woman called my husband to wish him a happy birthday. Thankfully he put the phone down on her. This unfortunately reopened some wounds for me, but I’m OK. So, in answer to your question, I did what seemed right at the time to save my marriage and it worked. Good luck with whatever decision you make.

He would be out the door. How dare he break the trust. You are above this.

I think whether you stay depends on what sort of person you are and how much the unfaithful want to make the original relationship work. If you are the type of person who’ll keep picking at the metaphorical scab til it bleeds again, then it’s probably better to leave. If you can manage forgiveness then you stand a chance. I’m the former type of person so I’d be saying goodbye. As for keeping in touch, that smacks of having your cake and eating it so, unless there are extenuating circumstances, that would be no-no for me too.

What would you do Rufus if your wife had an affair??
grandMattie; Please read my earlier post.

Ops above was for Jocork

Your story is similar to mine and I don’t think I’ll ever go down the marriage route again unless it’s someone really special.
Enjoy your single life you are a strong women

My ex husband 32 years did have a affair
Total shocked and broken I was
Tried to save the marriage but trust had gone
Still very sad to this day 8 years on

I have had this happen to me. First time I threw him out, but love was still there so we got back together. It's very hard when you do still love the person and there are children. He didn't stay in touch with the other woman as far as I know
It was very difficult to trust again, and I certainly never forgot it, but we managed. Ten years later he went off again. So that was it for us, and we finally divorced.