Gransnet forums


Has your husband ever had an affair and how would you react

(94 Posts)
Bluegal Mon 20-Aug-18 20:02:46

IF he was still in touch with his affair partner?

BTW this is a genuine question and not part of any survey

kittylester Mon 20-Aug-18 20:07:29

Never to my knowledge and I wouldn't still be here to think about it!

Bluegal Mon 20-Aug-18 20:11:47

I think that is the general response kitty...but IF you did find out that your husband had an affair, thinking about how much you love him, would you just turf him out without any thought or would you try to work through it?

Charleygirl Mon 20-Aug-18 20:16:25

Trust had gone- he could go.

MissAdventure Mon 20-Aug-18 20:20:21

I most definitely wouldn't want him to stay in touch with his 'floozy'!

MissAdventure Mon 20-Aug-18 20:24:44

I think I would possibly try to work it out.
People do stupid things, I suppose.
Trying wouldn't mean that it necessarily could be gotten over. (I said gotten!)

DoraMarr Mon 20-Aug-18 20:44:58

Mine did, and for five months we tried to work it out, but in the end he chose her. In retrospect, I should have ended it sooner- five months is a long time to be clinging on to hope. We hadn’t been happy together for ages. I can’t imagine my life with him now- we are both very different people, and I am very happy in my new life with my partner. However, the hurt of the betrayal never really goes away, although the pain lessens year by year. I would never have been able to trust him again, especially if he continued to see her. I have two friends whose husbands had affairs: one who did manage to make their marriage work, and one couple who didn’t. I hope you can find your way out of this difficult situation.

Eglantine21 Mon 20-Aug-18 20:58:46

If he continued to see her or just keep in touch through email, even if he said it was just friendly or something, that would be the end. He obviously doesn’t regret it and is keeping it alive. And doesn’t care tuppence about the way his partner is feeling.

Nobody should be treated with that kind of contempt.

Melanieeastanglia Mon 20-Aug-18 22:25:02

I don't think he should remain in touch with the person with whom he had the affair. If he works with her, he will obviously have to speak to her there.

People are saying you shouldn't stay with him although you haven't actually asked that specific question. Well, I think they are technically right but I don't know your specific situation. Everyone is different. I think you should stay married "if it suits you" and, if it doesn't, take steps to end the marriage. Only you know how you feel about your husband and how he treats you in general terms.

I truly wish you the best of luck.

jusnoneed Mon 20-Aug-18 22:28:37

Mine would be out the door if he was in touch with her or not, I would never trust his word again.

stella1949 Tue 21-Aug-18 01:58:34

Yes, I've had that experience. The hurt never goes away . If he is still in contact with her he has obviously got no remorse. I divorced my ex after a similar experience. Once the trust is gone, it's well nigh impossible to repair a marriage.

Menopaws Tue 21-Aug-18 04:22:56

No more trust no more husband

cornergran Tue 21-Aug-18 05:27:15

No, I don’t believe so.

It’s an interesting question. My first instinct was to say certainly not. Then I got to thinking about a relationship that’s lasted over 50 years. I’d want to try to see if we could fix it. If we could I would hope he would choose not to have further contact with the other person. If he didn’t make that choice then we wouldn’t have fixed it and trust would be irreparably broken.

Rufus2 Tue 21-Aug-18 06:36:34

Mine would be out the door
Jusnoneed: Poor old hubbies copping it again!
winkHave you no mercy? Just think; they could be chucking him out the door of the pub several hours later as well. sad When do we get to Part the 2 of this saga?

FlexibleFriend Tue 21-Aug-18 07:01:33

Been there, done that and I did get over it, I still loved him and I still believe to this day he still loved me. So we got over it, we talked at length and at the end of it I believed he'd told me the truth and I learnt to trust him again. I'm quite a confident person, nobody's doormat and could have gone off with other people but chose not to. It was a long time ago, probably about 8 years into our relationship, he was the father of my child and we went on to have another child quite soon afterwards and had a further 20 something years together. We split up eventually but not due to infidelity and we still get on well today so Yes I do believe I could get over it for the right person. On the other hand had my last ex cheated He would have been out the door so fast his little legs wouldn't have touched the ground. I guess I just didn't love him in the same way because that relationship started to deteriorate about 2 years in and went down hill from then on, in hindsight I wish he'd cheated and he'd have been gone a lot sooner. So I guess what I'm saying is if you really,truly,madly, deeply love someone you may be capable of forgiving them anything and if you don't them maybe you're not so forgiving. I have no regrets whatever.

agnurse Tue 21-Aug-18 08:06:08

I'm extremely lucky in that it's highly unlikely Hubby would ever cheat on me. This is for two reasons:

1. My brother (a hunter for food and gun enthusiast with police training) and Hubby's friend who lives in Texas (where they have liberal gun laws) have both told him that if he ever hurt me they would kill him and make it look to be an accident grin

2. On a more serious note, Hubby's ex actually had at least one affair behind his back.

The affair was what ended their marriage. Hubby told me he wouldn't even want her back now. After they separated she was with a number of different men before she started dating her current husband.

Hubby doesn't need to worry about me because I am a one-man woman grin

jusnoneed Tue 21-Aug-18 08:40:25

Rufus, "poor old hubbies copping it again" - you bet he would be copping it! If anyone is cheating/lying to their OH they deserve to be chucked out. I had a boyfriend do this back in my teens, and even at that age I told him where to go. And he went on to have three wives so possibly did the same to more than one of them!
Are you saying you would ever trust your OH if you discovered they had been having an affair?
And as for staying in touch with the other person, I cannot believe anyone would allow that to happen.

gillybob Tue 21-Aug-18 08:47:59

My 1st H first cheated when our baby was only a few weeks old (I was the last to know). He left me when our son was only a few months old and we eventually divorced. He went on to impregnate and marry several (we have seriously lost count) other women until his premature death in his 50’s. Later his widow told me that she was under no illusion that she was the last in line (she just felt very lucky that she would get the big insurance pay out ). This “man” held a high profile job and had a hero’s funeral . It’s just a pity about all the children’s lives he had ruined along the way including my son’s.

crazyH Tue 21-Aug-18 09:01:20

I had no say in the matter.....he chose her.

sodapop Tue 21-Aug-18 09:02:47

I had a similar experience Gillybob, its hard isn't it ?
Circumstances vary with each person and its more difficult if children are involved. We tried to work things out and in fact stayed together until the children were grown up. Not in a monogamous relationship though. Once trust is broken its hard to regain. On reflection I would not do the same thing again. Hindsight is a wonderful thing !!

Anniebach Tue 21-Aug-18 09:04:17

I don’t know, hope I could forgive but I couldn’t if still in contact with the mistress

Teetime Tue 21-Aug-18 09:04:22

Well it all depends!!! Its not a simple question but I have never thought that it should be a definite no on either side - women commit adultery too but we only seem to talk about men doing it.

Rufus2 Tue 21-Aug-18 09:12:39

Are you saying you would ever trust your OH if you discovered they had been having an affair?
jusnoneed! Sorry if I've upset you, but it was meant to be a light-hearted comment even though I realise it can be a traumatic situation.
I'm not sure if your question is rhetorical, but I think it deserves a response.
My dear departed Vera used to say I lacked compassion and she was rarely wrong when discussing me, and we "survived" 62 years married so we must have been doing something right.!
I guess we trusted each other implicitly; in any case I was forbidden to "dilly-dally" and I was brought up to "do as I'm told.!" grin

mcem Tue 21-Aug-18 09:36:07

Yes he did. I divorced him. She was dumped within 6 months.
We're now on friendly terms and his wife (who was in no way involved) is one of my best friends!

HAZBEEN Tue 21-Aug-18 09:40:18

I have been in this position and he left me for her for 2 weeks before admitting he didnt want to be with her but back with me. After a lot of "discussion" I took him back but boy has it been hard!
One of the conditions was no contact or anyone who was connected to her (they met through a mutual friend). It has taken 4 years to put it behind us and it still rears its head now and again.
The trust side took a long time and I am not even sure its as it should be now but we are trying. We try to be a lot more open with each other and talk about how each of us is feeling.
I suppose we love each other so much it is worth the effort, but sometimes I still have a little cry about it.