Has your husband ever had an affair and how would you react

That feeling when you read the phone bill and its her number and you see the connection every day while you are out working.
Omg I can still 8years on feel in the pit of my stomach the pain it causes.
I am single now and no man I hope will never give me that pain again

"Staying in touch" can be the straw that breaks the camel's back. When I found out that my husband had been having an affair, I was ready to walk away but I stayed because we had two very young children ( 3 and 1 at the time). I really tried to make it work.

A few years later - yes years - we started to get our phone bill itemised with all called numbers on it. I saw to my horror that almost every day , after I'd left for work, my husband was calling a particular number. I did a check and found that this was the number of "the other woman".

To me that was worse than the original affair. He didn't have the excuse of " I couldn't help myself, I was physically attracted, etc" which he'd used before to pacify me. It was obvious that he still needed to talk to her, almost every day or night depending on what shift his devoted wife was working.

The children were older then, I had a good job, I really didn't need him for anything any more. I walked - and it was the best thing I could have done. Life is much better when you know you are not being lied to.

Oh yes, that was the point I was trying (and failing!) to make.
My brain seems lazier than normal today.

In our case he did maintain a form of contact as they loosely worked together. He was always honest about it and they gradually lost touch over the years. I wouldn't be bothered by no physical contact but would trust that also meant no intimate contact. No sharing of feelings and secrets etc. I don't think how often is the issue as much as the context.

Do you know what is his idea of staying in touch is?
I'm assuming that everyone would have different ideas about how often would be too often.

Thank you for telling us where your query came from I can understand you feeling betrayed but it sounds as though he can be trusted even if his logic is slightly skewed.

OK am going to try to explain a little more without giving too much info about myself away (just in case)

I married my hubby a few years ago and he's been a fabulous partner and step dad to my kids and grandkids. I am really happy with my life as it is.

After a lot of year's married previously, he had an affair which ended, but his marriage was irreparable. So when I met him he was single. (BTW wife did want him to go back which she has told me too as we are all still in touch because of children albeit adult children) but as people have said affairs generally happen for a reason and he didn't want to go back) He preferred to live on his own. If this makes him sound cold and callous, you will just have to take my word for it that things weren't great and he isn't a Casanova type in any way, shape or form!

Anyway, doesn't detract from the fact that I recently found out he has never lost contact with this AP! He never told me!! I find that extremely odd!!! We've argued about it but he seems to think it is me that is being unreasonable here? Based on the fact that I have never lost touch with any of my previous boyfriends either and he says if he has to lose contact with her then why should I stay in contact with other men I was once involved with?

He knows about them though!!! Isn't that the difference?

I wanted to know what others thought and I think the general gist is....get rid? I honestly don't think there are any physical meet ups of any kind but I still feel betrayed in a way I can't explain.

Sorry I think I've wasted far too much of everyone's time on this....I think I just needed to rant a bit.......... Thank you for all your wise words.

This has happened to me !! I always thought I’d be out the door type!! He wanted to remain in contact with her but when I said no he left she ended things but now he wants back as a changed man!!! 37 years and children and grandchildren make it hard to break free !! I’ve considered joint counselling but not sure!!!

I think I answered quite facetious at the beginning and have been impressed by those of you who have tried to continue with your relationship. However, I still don't think I could cope with the betrayal. lack of trust I would feel

Thank you all for your input. I am not ignoring you all. There is more to it but am mindful of this being an open site so don’t wish to say too much but you have all helped in different ways. THANKYOU

Drat. He would have been careless and have broken the marriage - irreparably.
I know what it would take to live with myself, so no pretending or compromises or deals or waiting. Whatever else happened, the marriage would be over.

Are you sure the affair is still not going on?

Until this actually happens it's easy to give an opinion. I might forgive him, but forgetting might be harder. And no way would he be allowed to stay in contact with the trollop!

Yes have been there, I went to the pub where I knew they both were confronted her confronted him, went to the car park let his tyres down and left.

I did find out and asked him to go. He did. I put our home on the market. He wanted to come back once he realised .he was not having his cake and eating it. I said I might consider us as a couple if he came to counselling. We took two years to sort it out. I think we have a stronger and better relationship now. 30 year ago! It would not have worked if the 3rd party had remained anywhere in the vicinity..real or virtual.

I would never be able to trust him again. Life is too short. You deserve to be happy. So sorry you have had this experience.

Suzan, very sorry for all that's happened.

Bearing in mind what you've said, I hope you have made a will, so your children benefit, not him. Also if you both own the house, it's important to have it registered as tenants in common with Land Registry not joint tenants. Best wishes.

My husband had an emotional affair with a woman he went out with when young. I found out through Facebook Messenger, he was acting differently and after research I found loads of messages etc. Also found he’d written a song about them as well as other music for her. In some messages he’d written the exact same words he had written to me when we first met fifteen years ago.Then discovered a woman who lives not far from us (also a girlfriend when young and according to his parents has always wanted him) was doing her best to get as close as possible, texts asking if she could take him out for the day etc, joining a group two weeks after he did, he also took her to a concert without telling me, I was away looking after a grandchild. I found out by accident.
We had a dreadful year as he refused to talk, in the end I forced the issue and he said he thought divorce would be best as I would always bring all of this up if there was an argument over anything. I know I was wrong to say I wouldn’t, now I think he wanted to make sure it wouldn’t be talked about again. The problem is that nearly all of the money we have is mine including the house and I don’t want him to take half or more of my money which is destined for my children. I should say this is a second marriage for us both, he has no children. It can be very difficult to part when you have to take other things such as finance into consideration. I don’t know if he is in contact with the first woman as he changed all his passwords etc so I can no longer check. The local woman still goes to the group but as for texts etc again I don’t know. He insists he’s never given her cause to think anything would happen between them.
Emotional affairs can be just as hurtful as physical ones and I found lots of advice on the internet. We are still together but it’s not as it was before, I am still suspicious at times and the trust will never be the same.

Thank you DoraMarr Pleased to hear you are now happy. I hope that one day your ex will realise what he is missing out on and have a rethink.

Crazygrandma- I’m glad things worked out for you. I would have loved our marriage to have continued, but unfortunately it was not to be. I am happy in my new life, with a new partner, and he is happy too. The sad part is that although I have reached out to my ex, he doesn’t ever talk to me, and doesn’t come to family occasions like my grandaughter’s birthday party. It would be nice to meet for a coffee and talk about the children and grandchildren, but he won’t.

Like many of the posters I was certain of what I would do and then it actually happened to me.

Patticake123 Finally I found a comment from someone who I could empathise with. Thank you for posting.

Serial cheating is a different matter but one affair does not have to mean the end.

Whenever I read the heart wrenching stories on here of broken families, estranged relationships etc etc I am grateful that we battled our way through it all. Our marriage now is stronger and better than it ever was and as a result of this we still have family celebrations where we all sit around the same table and enjoy each others company.

They were hard and agonising times but some things are worth fighting for. Just heading into our 47th year of marriage, 13 years after my world was shattered.

It's hypothetical isn't it? I believe that my dear late husband was faithful and we always said that it would be 'the end' if either of us was unfaithful.
Keeping in touch afterwards would exacerbate inevitable feelings of distrust which would never go away. OTOH many people regret not trying harder to stay together. It's a sad situation all round with no clear cut answer.

We were married for just over 53 years at the time my hubby died. I`m as sure as it`s possible to be that he never had an affair. If he had had, he would have been a goner.

He'd be gone....mine was and never regretted it. The ultimate disrespect to lie, have sex with someone else, and then expect to be 'forgiven'. I would never have trusted him again.

I don't suppose emotional cheating is as clear cut MissAdventure.

I don't think you could exactly call it cheating as I don't imagine you could get a divorce on the grounds of adultery through emotional intimacy.