Sooo the other wife!

Doesn’t anyone think it odd that the lady is sneakily looking at his phone texts? He is being open about his ex, she is being underhand.

Hmm.. they may have agreed that their marriage is over but they could still be friends. If this is the case and the ex uses the former shared home as a base I can see why things are as they are. Does she still have a share in the house??
BUT if chap wants a new relationship he is going to have to make the friendship with his ex much more long distance than it appears to be. Anyone remember Blithe Spirit? Except this ex is not dead or a ghost!

No definitely not on, his ex wife is going to continue to intrude on his life. Wether he makes assurances or not she will still try when it suits her, she might even do it deliberately to cause trouble.
I would break it off and stay away, there is a lot of heartache in this relationship.

Your friend has to tell this guy how she is feeling, he is not a mind reader.
Then it's a waiting game unfortunately.
Kids mean that an ex will always be in the background but your friend has the choice of whether she wants to be included or not (and once kids are grown up then communication with the ex will diminish).
My now Husband had been separated from his ex for five years but didn't see the point in paying an extortionate amount for a divorce (she did the dirty on him). I wrote him a poem explaining my feelings and we are now happily married.
So the need for honesty in any relationship is paramount if it is to work.
If after talking, nothing changes, then she needs to reassess the situation but should never put up with anything that is making her unhappy. Life is too short to be with people who make us feel less than we know we are.

I see this quite differently. This ‘chap’ is kind enough to let his ex-wife (who has treated him badly) find refuge with him when things go wrong. Even to the extent of allowing her to keep her stuff at his house.

I’d say he sounds like a very kind man.

As a solution, could not all her ‘stuff’ simply be removed at a spare bedroom?

Totally agree with other posters. Both the chap and the ex-chapess are still far too involved with each other's lives, physically and emotionally. They're either having a bob (or bobess as the case may be) each way or they are keeping each other as a "spare" in case other relationships don't work out. And not surprisingly other relationships are not likely to work out. This is a very different dynamic to staying friends with an ex.

Your friend may want to discuss this with the new man who will probably dismiss her concerns as signs of jealousy, insecurity or an over reaction. Well, he would say that, wouldn't he? The fact that she is checking his phone shows she is pretty uncomfortable about the relationship already. It's not a good look for either of them. If she is prepared to have a very low key relationship with him with very few expectations (eg. someone to have dinner or go to the movies with occasionally) it might work for a while but if she is looking for something deeper and more lasting I think the advice would be to leave now before she is really hurt and gets tangled up in a very messy situation. You know the old quote about there being "three people in the marriage" or in this case four, five or more with all the exes. Doesn't bode well.

Simple I think he is playing her .

She needs to leave them both to it. Neither are available....

Yes, this would concern me too, he can’t have a foot in each camp and should not expect a new woman to cope with this doubt and uncertainty. Would he be so tolerant if it was the other way round ?

Mmm. Not sure. My son has a great relationship with ex wife but no intention of ever being a couple again. Both have had new partners but stay good friends & have 3 well balanced children. She stays over at his at times but not in his room-usually if he has kids but going to work early - he does very odd hours. Just good mates. It works very well.

That’s exactly my point Craftycat??

She has only recently been in a relationship with him so it is probably too early to suggest any changes in his life. She has to decide if she wants to end it, friend zone him or hope that if they do get serious he will put her first and move his ex-wife's things out.
Personally I would be careful of getting serious and it may be that ending it would be the only way to avoid that.
If she is getting something from the relationship, there is no reason to end it if she can recognise that it will probably go nowhere.
I would probably say to him that he is obviously still connected with his wife and so I would only want to keep him as a friend and see what his reaction is. That gives him the choice of showing that he can move on by removing her things or not. I wouldn't talk directly about them though or ask him to move them as it has to be his idea and he won't do it if he feels he is being controlled.
Walking away seems the obvious thing to do but company is important and gets more difficult to find as we get older. There is no need to rush to do that unless she eels that she is falling for him.

Has the ex got a share in the property still? One of my friends who was divorced years ago still has a share in the property she lived in with her ex. At the time it was a temporary arrangement until their youngest son left home and then going to sell. Son left home years ago, but they still own it jointly and intend to keep it like this until they both retire...now see is as next egg for retirement.

Dump him!

He is definitely still attached. Dont get your hopes up, think long and hard about this fellow before making any commitment.

Some ex's just can't let go and want to continue the relationship as "friends". What a joke, been there, done that and dealt with it although it took a while. OH just hadn't got the balls to say "piss off" even though he was aware it was harming our relationship.

Agree with the other posters. The lady is still there. and the history says that all concerned have little difficulty with swopping partners and keeping things fluid. Unlikely to change that.

If your gentle friend is assertive enough, I suggest she puts all the bathroom stuff in a box and all the clothes in one of those compressed bags. Get someone to help her put them in the attic or the garage when her chap is elsewhere

. If he questions the missing items (which he mightn't) just say she needs the space. Its all ready for collection at any time. Stay calm, but vague, as though you were talking about childrens toys.

If the owner of the stuff turns up with a key to the house, change the locks after she leaves. Offer coffee, biscuits, sandwich. Be friendly. If she doesn't have a key, welcome her in with tea or whatever and be obliging. Don't offer alcohol and ensure she make an appointment to return. Friendly friendly friendly and helpful but firm.

Good luck.

Far too complicated with 'chaps' all over the place. It would be better understood if you clarify whose chap's chap or friend's chaps you are talking about.

This kind man is still in love with his ex wife.

Your friend must have a lot of time to waste.

I'd ask him to pack up ALL ex's stuff up and ask her to collect it as he's in a new relationship and it's not fair.

sorry, I started off reading this but it became too complicated, maybe if you had used names instead of so many 'chaps', it needn't have been their real names, it might have been easier to follow.

I lost the plot half-way through. Sorry.

Hi all
I can report back now .
Lovely friend has returned from holiday ...and all clothes from ex have been removed!
?

Oh dear Glamdram. I know that this will not sound positive after reading that the said Chap has removed all of the clothes belonging to his ex.
I cannot help but wonder WHERE has he put them? Has he given them back, or, and I am sorry to suggest this:
Has he removed them and put them somewhere for safekeeping because it seems to me that he still cares about his ex and maybe he is hoping that she will return yet again ?
I just think that your friend needs to be a bit cautious.

The ex is a player. Your friend has to be a bigger one. Be uncontactable or just limited until he sorts situation with her.