Daughter problems

Starlady I read the post too quickly first time and got the impression that it was happening all the time which would be really annoying not to mention depressing- that your daughter kept remembering mistakes you had made. Doing it now and then I would prefer to talk it through.
However my mum made lots of mistakes ( as did I) I never mentioned any to her when she was alive, never! What would be the point? I am old and wise enough to know she loved me and did her best. Why would I make her feel bad by mentioning them? The daughter will find as she raises her child that she isn't a perfect mother.
Generally speaking someone may occasionally put their foot in it or say something thoughtlessly. Why not just let it go?
By the way on reflection I would have let my daughter carry the bags. She was being thoughtful and pregnancy isnt an illness. I don't recall being told when pregnant not to carry shopping, but maybe my memory is failing?
I do hope you have both patched things up though Leo. ?? I would hate not to be speaking to my daughter especially if she was pregnant. If not if I were you I would send her lots of flowers apologise and tell her I love her.

Leo, just apologise to your DD, you know why you did it, but as the others have said she’s hormonal.

Just apologise and move on.

Next time treat her like an adult, let her do her own thing ask you for help if and when she needs it.

Leo, I'm so sorry! It definitely sounds like you and dd both were trying to prove something (independence). Would it help to apologize to dd for pushing her hands away and see where things go from there? I know you were just defending yourself, but saying that won't ease the strain.

If you ever go shopping with her again (maybe not a good idea), I think you should let her know at the outset that YOU and YOU ALONE will decide what you can and can't carry. You expect to be treated as an independent adult, just as she does.

Guinevere, I'm sorry you feel "shut out." I guess you had expectations that aren't being met. Perhaps dd is simply adjusting things to make sure they have time with all their gps?

Mabel, how awful that dd's mil is so critical! I suggest strictly limiting the number and length of visits you're around her. And try not to get into any conversations with her if you're at the same event - just a cordial hello and goodbye. But what do her opinions have to do with how often you see the gc?

Annep, I totally admire the way you and dd have decided to keep tensions from escalating. But I don't get "retaliating" just because a dd remember something that her mum doesn't. If dd brings it up, it's hurting her, and the last thing she needs is retaliation. Goldengirl, imo, you're handling that problem very well.

Ladies, could it be simply that they remember some things differently than we do? Or that some incidents made an impression on them but not on us?

That would be difficult Goldengirl. I'm not sure I could handle that without retaliating. Children arent perfect either..

I occasionally get things mentioned to me that I've apparently done or said in the past. It's hurtful - and most of the time I can't remember the incidents - but I've learned to remain quiet and never make an excuse and if appropriate reply 'oh dear' or something along those lines.
We don't get lessons in being parents and just do our best which sometimes leads to having to learn the hard way on many an occasion!

crazyH this happened to me - and they caused the argument. I would just keep sending birthday Christmas cards etc and presents for the gc. ( mine were returned). At least you will know you've done the right thing. It will resolve over time. Get on with your life. These things happen in families.

@mabel2 and @Guinevere250
It seems like there’s no lost love between you and your dd’s Mil. But have you ever looked at it from her point of view.

Maybe she might feel conflicted and have to play devils advocat a lot? From what I’ve observed in the past with my own family, maybe MIL has felt exactly the same as you and DD is just trying to make everyone happy and without meaning to, cutting out people who are well meaning.

Maybe MIL is offering some more practical help atm that perhaps you can’t? I obviously have no idea of your situation, but maybe take a step back and look at it from your DD’s point of view.

Why oh why does the relationship between maternal and paternal grandparents have to be such a minefield? I have no.wish to be bosom buddies with my daughter mum in law, but I do wish that I wasn't made to feel that every meeting was her time to put down everything I do for my daughter and granddaughter. It's like failing to meet my son in laws mother's expectations means I get less time with my granddaughter.

Guinevere...I'm really surprised. Usually the maternal grandma gets to have all the joys ....and the paternal grandma, like me, is pushed to the back burner. Not only am I pushed away, but my son has decided he doesn't want me in his life, over a very silly argument. I am heartbroken...he sent me some nasty messages. Never mind, I have 2 other children and grandkids, but it doesn't make the pain go away. I never thought it would get to this. I think his wife is rubbing her hands in glee

Sometimes Im glad I don't live close to gc There seem to be so many problems when you do. Families!

My daughter is pregnant, but I feel totally shut out of the event. I thought we were close but I just feel now that I am being excluded from not just the new arrival but my older granddaughter too. I can't do anything right and her husband just completely ignores both me and my husband. We adore our daughter and granddaughter but feel pushed aside for her in-laws and their family. I miss my granddaughter so much, I used to see her every week with lots of sleep overs, now I don't know when I'll see her again. I truly don't know what I've done wrong

I only wish my daughters would do the carrying for me! On family outings I often think I am the cart horse I end up with everyone's coats and bags!!

Seriously though...not a huge problem in the grand scale of things. If daughter wanted to carry bags...let her. No need for a full scale confrontation really.

As for what she said....well maybe just ask her? Chances are she will say she has no idea what she was talking about.

No one willing to give in. Oh dear! lol. I quite often clash with my daughter. We are both very strongwilled opinionated people. We have become aware of it and try to stop before it goes too far. Regarding past events, maybe you need to talk about them? Don't worry too much, it will be ok.

paddyann, I thought the same! Sounds like both wanted to carry the bags as both wanted to be helping the other. Silly things get blown out of proportion when pregnant.

As for the other incidences she recalls, is it possibly a case of you both remembering different versions of one event and the truth lying somewhere in the middle? I know I sometimes recall things from my childhood that my mother claims to not remember happening, and me and my siblings have different memories of it. Memories are often affected by your perspective and thought processes when recalling them, if she's pregnant and thinking about keeping her child safe she may be remembering things more negatively as she's already anxious.

My DD was a nightmare when she was pregnant; come to think of it, so was I. As someone has said, hormones. I would just let things settle down. She will probably come round.

I get that newmom I still hate folk grabbing bags off me or offering to do stuff I'm perfectly capable of doing .My MIL tells me I shouldn't be climbing ladders changing curtains and that my FIL ALWAYS pushed the shopping trolley and carried the bags and cleaned the oven etc etc .Seems the OP was irritated at her daughter thinking SHE wasn't capable so maybe its a case of like mother like daughter ....lol

Yes you are probably right newmom101, she is very independent! Sometimes I wish we could just go back and do things differently, but life isn't like this. However, she won't let it drop and says she doesn't want further upsetting experiences, even though it was her that started all this.

She's pregnant and hormonal, she probably felt a bit of a muppet after. Just from another perspective, I hated being pregnant as I felt really patronised by people always offering to do things for me, like I wasn't capable of doing it myself. My mom was especially the worst for this, over really stupid little things like walking the dog (who's tiny! She couldn't pull over a baby), not letting me get the bus and dramatically leaping in front of me if one of my younger cousins or my own dogs came near me. It drove me crazy as I felt like my independence was being taken away. It's quite likely she's just fed up of being pregnant and getting treated with kid gloves.

Thanks so much crazyH. I expect your d.i.l's are not letting on about what happens with their own mums. However your reply has made me feel better. I have been a bit of an emotional wreck this year with other illnesses in the family and it doesn't take much to upset me. I suppose I just need to 'man up' and take it my stride, but difficult when it's someone you really care about.

Leol
I have a daughter just like yours. She will suddenly come out with some 'false memory' and I try to defend myself against these allegations but to no avail. I think mothers and daughters are renowned to have difficult relationships. But yet, I know my 2 daughters-in-law have such loving relationships with their mothers.
You are not alone ...I'm sure there are many mire mothers like us

Thanks paddyann, I did think the same but my husband says I should have just let her have the bags from me and watch her struggle, but what kind of person would that make me.

Hormones are hell when you're heavily pregnant,blame them for this.My daughter also sees things in the past very differently from me but we agree to disagree ,try that with her and tell her you were trying to help her .