He stresses me out sometimes, ocd and retired

I agree with Willow10 get some help for your depression and anxiety Nic28 and you will see things more clearly. Sounds like your partner is trying to keep some structure to his life as there have been a lot of changes. Not everyone copes well with change and perhaps you both need to talk about your expectations of being together.

Agree with Thirdinline that it sounds more like Asperger’s than OCD, though that probably doesn’t help cope with it unless both partners in relationship like routine, like Lancslass1.

Whatever the cause of the behaviour, some of the advice from other posters might be useful.

Sounds to me like your DH has Asperger Syndrome rather than OCD. People with OCD realise how awkward their rituals are to others and usually wish they could be rid of them. Do google Asperger Syndrome (AS) and see if more of the symptoms fit. Having said that, each & every person with AS is an individual, however, the need for order and routine is a common feature. People with AS find it comforting and it reduces their anxiety.

I would find it incredibly stressful, living with someone with such strict routines.
I'm sure it fulfils your husband in some way, but I absolutely can't stand having life mapped out if it doesn't need to be.
I went on holiday with a friend who imposed her own timetable onto me, and I felt quite murderous at times!

Your partner actually seems to do a lot around the house but what do three people need washing twice a day! All that detergent and water waste is very bad for the environment!
When he puts on the oven tell him you are not ready to eat so he'll have to prepare what he wants himself and you'll eat later. When he asks what's needed from the shops tell him to look in the cupboard and decide if anything is needed. Just remind him of your words when he does it the next day and then ignore the requests from there after, he's not deaf.
You are feeding his habits so stop doing it but he is probably jealous of your relationship with your son and has more time to witness it now he's retired. To walk through you when you talk to your son is very rude behaviour and you should tell him so.

ladyinspain welcome. Yes it is a bit confusing to start with. If you look at the bottom of the page you will see the word Acronyms in blue. Click on that and it will take you to a page where you can see what they all are.

It sounds like an unhappy situation for all of you, particularly your son who can't afford to move out. To be honest, he doesn't sound too bad - are you sure it's not your anxieties that make the problem worse? On the one hand you say

hardly ever stays around the house unless he wants to wash the cars or cut the hedges. And then

It’s just hard when there’s one sitting room, to get away for me time

He shops, walks, goes out on his bike - how much 'me' time do you want? There some on here whose curmudgeonly husbands don't lift a finger and sit and watch TV all day!

Maybe we have OCD .
I love routine.
Work in the mornings includes gardening or shopping -relax in the afternoon.
Light lunches depend on which day of the week it is.
For example Monday it is poached eggs.
Evening meals - often similar.
Tuesday and Saturday we have fish -sole or sea bass.
Always have a pudding.
Since I prefer vegetarian food I ask DH as we are having our morning cuppa in bed -another routine- what he would like for his evening meal.
Most meals are at the same time each day.
Suits us down to the ground.

He sounds obsessional about cleaning. And using the washing machine twice daily, I hope he's got the cash to keep replacing them! I try and give mine a rest for 3 days a week, washing machine that is.

I am new here, and have difficulty following posts using all the initials - is there a list so I can refer to it?

That does sound difficult but I think you have to try to not get swept up in it any more than you can avoid.
I would make a short list for shopping the day before to hand him and then, if I thought of anything else, go out and get it myself. If you used to do the shopping yourself and still want to, just do some yourself and let him do what he wants to do. If you don't want to eat when he does, would he eat his on his own? I wouldn't often be able to eat lunch before 12. You obviously have to be careful how you deal with OCD because you don't want to make his anxiety worse but you have to be able to cope yourself.
I agree with people who have suggested that you see a doctor about your depression. Apart from anything else you can always blame the doctor if you don't want to do something his way.
If he is washing clothes twice a day, I hope he is doing the ironing! I would be a bit peeved to say the least if someone was creating more ironing for me to do.

Would either of you be willing to do voluntary work? I got my husband into working at a museum, he loved it and it became almost a full time job for him. I do not see how two people can be together all day every day without getting on each others nerves.
As you get older there are bound to be routines as you have worked out the best/easiest/most efficient ways of doing things. OCD is much more that having a routine.

Sounds dreadful. You must be on edge all day waiting for him to perform his ‘rituals’! I have a friend who is a bit ocd and whenever he reads a newspaper he has to lick his fingertips afterwards. The anticipation of waiting for him to do it drives me nuts. I asked him why he did it once and he got quite cross and said it was becos the ink got on his hands! Now I keep newspaper hidden when he visits.

Feeling sorry for yourself? Get over it, go out to meet other people. Maybe join a couple of clubs. If all fails leave him.

Nic28
Why 2 lots of washing per day? A bit much, isn't it?

He suffers with in my words ocd, his words routine.
He does sound like a man who needs a very structured routine which I understand could be very irritating, especially if you are more of a spontaneous person.

Has this happened since he retired or has he always been like this? Perhaps, when working, he had a structure to his day and now finds that he needs that otherwise he could become like some retired men who do nothing much at all. There are Gransnetters who complain that their OHs just slump in a chair and watch tv after retiring, having lost interest in anything.

DH was not a happy retiree until I encouraged him to get out and about and do voluntary work - now he's out more than me.

Perhaps he needs to find an interest so that his routine becomes less rigid.

OCD is an illness and is quite disabling.

Nic28, he does sound ill. However, people with OCD are notoriously difficult to help and their condition leads them to blame others and see their behaviour as 'normal'. Also, it sounds as though he is very rude to you and your son, and I don't see why you should tolerate that. Frankly, it's hard to see what keeps your relationship going. You could try issuing him with an ultimatum to see the doctor (go with him). If he refuses to get professional help, you need to ask whether you want to live with him. I realise that it might be very difficult, but you will not be able to change him on your own, and the present situation is making you ill. You deserve better: head up, stand tall!

Jennil23 sounds exactly like my daughter ,now she is confined to bed most of the time and she has absolute meltdowns if the kids leave anything lying about.Ido housework for her just to calm her down ,most of the time the house isn't dirty its untidy ,well she has 3 kids !! She knows she's being unreasonable to expect them to keep it the way she wants it but it doesn't make it easier for her.Like I said I'd be delighted if she was well enough to get up and back into her routines ,at least then she would be pain free and happy

Sounds to me as though he is jealous of your son and the only way he can control this is by implementing right routine so that he feels secure and to some extent has you in his grasp - you should consider the underlying problem which is how much his resentment of your son is genuinely affecting him - does he have children of his own - does he feel that some day your son will inherit his share of the house you bought between you - the OCD is born out of something - it’s a response to his environment and you need to find the trigger

He sounds great. Want to do a swap?

Can you turn this to your advantage? It seems he helps round the house more than many too, and perhaps clean the glass in the shower much less often. If he wants it clean every time, then let him do it.

Is there part of your house you can turn into a space for you? A spare bedroom or a nook somewhere? You could put any hobby things there - sewing, knitting, books etc - a nice chair, small tv, laptop, lamp what ever you can afford? Something to play music?

For the depression and anxiety there is your doctor, make sure you eat properly, get sunshine and vitamin D if low. (ask for a test.) Meditation can be very helpful.

Don't stress over housework, give up doing so much so often. It's not necessary.

Ask your son if he can help with any DIY?

Join something. A choir, WI, some group doing activities you like.

Learn something new. There's lots of knowledge on the internet. Indulge in any fascination for Egyptology? Make birthday cards? Learn the guitar? Piano? Become a political activist on Twitter?

But not all at once. Take it steady and good luck.

Some people by their nature are more organised than others and just like routine and order as anything messy stresses them out. Maybe some of it is a bit over the top but I think I would prefer this rather than have someone who is the reverse and leaves a mess everywhere and expects others to sort it out.
He probably sees this routine as a way to help fill his day since retiring. You don't say if their are any hobbies or joint interests that you share.
Finding something you both enjoy and could take an interest in could help break this rigid routine he has and get you both out of the house and change both your perspectives. Take the initiative and do something spontaneous together to get you out...often things done on the spur of the moment end up being really enjoyable. You need to try and break the routine in a nice way and have things to look forward to as a couple.

If talking to him and voicing how you feel is out of the question, you then should maybe ask yourself .... do you want to live like this for the rest of your life, clearly unhappy ? We only live once, we all have to make the most of it and not just go thro the motions, or what’s the point of it all. Have you spoken to someone Re your anxiety/depression ? Maybe that should be the 1st step for you to take control of your life, good luck .....

See a doctor about your depression - maybe with some treatment you would feel strong enough to make some decisions. Have a good long think about how you want to live the rest of your life - it's too short to be so unhappy.

My husband has all of sudden become OCD....every time I ask if he wants a cuppa...he goes to the lavatory...EVERY time. Even if he’s just been upstairs! Every time I say “dinner” ...he goes to lavatory!! Because of not driving and having arthritis in my hands and back I get my groceries (bulky stuff) delivered on a Saturday . When he sees the van pull up outside ...you’ve guessed it he goes to the lavatory. It’s happens also:

When doorbell rings
When phone rings
When any ‘ping’ goes off in kitchen
which indicates something either ready to eat or something ‘to be done’

He off course doesn’t need to go.... it’s either extreme laziness ...or OCD. Also it manifests itself with the one job he will do , and that is eashup after dinner at 6. He dries dishes and leaves them spread all over the work surfaces...and if I don’t clear them away they will be there when I get up in morning. The one and true thing I’m looking forward to when on my own is ‘timelessness’ . I’ll be doing what I want when I want. Also I HATE cooking and I’ve done it all for 46 years now. I don’t think I’ll EVER cook another meal when left on own. Pierce and ping will suit me fine!