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He stresses me out sometimes, ocd and retired

(66 Posts)
Nic28 Sat 25-Aug-18 19:41:57

DP and I are retired, lived together 16 yrs in house we bought together.
I have an adult son, who’s still lives at home.

He suffers with in my words ocd, his words routine.

He get up early so that he can get in shower before son goes out to work 7am because he doesn’t want to get in after him
Everything is done at the same time say within 10 minutes
I could literally write it in order.

7am shower
9am puts washer on 1st time
10am out to shops, daily stuff bread, veg
11.45-12 lunch
1pm. Where we going, if he’s not doing anything himself
4.45pm shall I put oven on for tea
After tea, he does dishes and cleans round.
6.30pm shower again
Puts washing in machine 2nd time
7pm walk round block, last 5 years
Before bed, he’ll go check outside on the front at cars( god knows why there not new )
Bed 6 out 7 nights 11.15pm

If I mention anything he nearly always turns it round and brings son into it, ie oh but if he said what times tea you would jump to it. I do it when I’m hungry or ready.

This as got worse since he’s been retired, he as to be doing something, hardly ever stays around the house unless he wants to wash the cars or cut the hedges.

He will help more now , ie polish, hoover, but only hoover downstairs mainly. Uses the shower twice daily but never thinks to clean the glass with cleaner. Selected jobs

Yet today, he’s out on his precious motorbike, it takes him 30 mins to put his gear on everything as to be just so.
Comes back, then spends an hour cleaning it, gleaming
I dosed off, woke at 4.55 , bloody 5pm shall I order the curry(sat takeaway) aghhh . Him and his bloody ocd rountine. I wouldn’t let him, in the end he’s walking around so I just say bloody order it.

I suffer with anxiety/ depression and I’m sure he’s added to this enormously recently.
I’m starting to try and get out more on my own (anxiety stops me) to get a break from his routine. He says I have one, yes I do but it’s not timed to the clock and does change.

Any one else similar ?

Flossie777 Sat 25-Aug-18 20:46:48

Hi Nic28, yes he does sound monotonous but if that makes him happy, that’s his routine, but what is yours, go out, sit in the park reading a book, join WI, visit/make friends - you are free, well until 4.45.

Tartlet Sat 25-Aug-18 21:06:13

Oh dear nic28, that would drive me mad. My husband has become a bit more routine bound in recent years but nothing like you describe. The only thing he really does like to stick to is dinner at 6 but has no problem if he has to get it himself because I’m either out or want mine later. Most of the time though we do eat together.

I had a friend, now very much missed, whose husband had some similarities with yours. He even scheduled his drinks for precise times throughout the day and any hot drink had to be accompanied by 2 McVities digestives. A glass of water at 9pm every night is something else I remember.

I’m not sure how to give you any comfort except perhaps to ask whether you could perhaps prevent yourself from seeing so much of his routine by making yourself scarce doing something you might enjoy?

paddyann Sat 25-Aug-18 21:27:22

my daughter has OCD,well she did until illness kept her bedbound in chronic pain.I'd be delighted for her OCD to return

Bluegal Sat 25-Aug-18 21:55:13

Difficult when people like "routine" and you don't. I personally hate routine so I sympathise with you Nic. Would drive me nuts and tbh I couldn't live with someone who was like you describe.

Can I just ask...was he always like this? Or is it something that has come on since you lived together?

Not sure what to suggest. If you are happy with him in other ways, maybe just start to do your own thing? When he asks if he should start the tea thanks I am going out/eating later/don't feel hungry/want something else? Tell him you are fed up with so much routine in YOUR life and you would like some more spontaneity.

If he doesn't listen and you are really at end of your tether, tell him you want to sell the house and go your separate way? He may start to listen then OR agree with you?

All depends on what you want ultimately i.e. to reach a solution or to call it a day with him.

Grammaretto Sat 25-Aug-18 22:16:26

How does adult son fit into all this? Is DP resentful of him?
My DH is getting more routine bound as he's got older.
He starts asking what's for tea at about 4pm. We eat about 7pm usually but I like being flexible and spontaneous.
Can we ever change them? I doubt it. I suppose if we enjoy their company and they like us, we just have to accept foibles.

phoenix Sat 25-Aug-18 22:42:51

What on earth can he find to justify 2 loads of washing every day? confused

Cabbie21 Sat 25-Aug-18 22:53:47

Sounds similar to my DH who has his routines, but then so do I. It does get boring, but at least I get out and about, do voluntary work, sing in a choir, meet other people, which means I have things to talk about and my own interests. Makes all the difference, in my opinion. ( oh, and I do the washing!)

Nic28 Sun 26-Aug-18 00:32:07

When we first started going out together and he’d stay over my house, the sat morning he’d say I’m just popping back to mine for couple hours. I’d say why what for, he’d say just to check.
It wasn’t till months later I’d found out it was so he could go on his exercise bike(everyday rountine)

Son, just got used to it or says sometimes he’s weird or will say that’s what it’s like.

Not sure it’s just rountine, more ocd.

Wash load twice day, used to drive me mad. I now ignore most of the time.

DP is I think resentful of my son, can get jealous if I go in his room and chat to him. I’ll come down and he’ll say what we’re you talking about.
Or if son comes in from work and starts talking to me, he will walk through us pretending he’s doing something.
I find this ignorant, walking through people when there talking

I have found recently that he can get more stressed, over trivial things and have to bite my tongue a lot more as not to cause an argument.

I tend not to tell him much about son as he will say things like “ nobody helped me if I wanted or needed help”
I’m sure he thinks I shouldn’t help my son or do things for him (say if he’s at work, and ask if I’m out shopping would I pick him ... up) why can’t he do it.

Yet when we moved in together I literally did everything!
Only now were retired, I’ve seen the light because we’re both at home so why should I just do everything. Some things I’ve had to show him how to do.

We do get on, but I need to get my anxiety/depression under control and lead my own life.

stella1949 Sun 26-Aug-18 05:32:41

So he does the washing, does the dishes, makes meals, cleans up, goes out and does the shopping every day ....not bad ! I'm sure that many women would love him. The fact that he does these things at a set time, wouldn't bother me. Dare I ask - what are you doing while he is doing all these chores ?

Just being the Devil's Advocate here - it seems that your DH does most of the work around the house , and maybe it's understandable that he would resent an able-bodied man ( your son) living there when he is obviously working and able to move out. The fact that you are still helping your son out, would grate on your DH as well.

If you don't like his behaviour, maybe it's time to re-evaluate why you are still married. From the sounds of it , you'd be quite happy just living with your son .

OldMeg Sun 26-Aug-18 06:24:53

And what do you do all day? What’s your routine?

M0nica Sun 26-Aug-18 09:38:33

Surely the thing is to develop your life and let him slot into it. I have a friend whose DH is a bit like yours, who has got even more so since being diagnosed with diabetes. Meticulous about when he should eat, what he can eat etc. She has a busy life with involvement with all kinds of activities. She fits in with his routine as far as possible but otherwise leaves him to manage his routine.

They have been successfully married for 50 years so, it is possible to live with such people, but you need to make sure you maintain your own life.

DoraMarr Sun 26-Aug-18 10:05:10

Good heavens! Why are you living together? You're both unhappy. He likes a routine, you don't, so either you both come to some compromise, or you get your own space, perhaps with adult son, and spend time with your partner when you both want to. Looking at it from his point of view, you and your son have moved in with him, and now you are resentful of his lifestyle, and making him unhappy. There may be things you do that irritate him, so having a bit of space from each other would mitigate that. Try to think of why you moved in with him. What attracted you to each other? Do you still love him?

Nic28 Sun 26-Aug-18 10:30:50

I can see some women liking what he does,
but I feel he’s took over the roles things I used to do.
Can I say he does
After getting up at 7am, putting washing in machine, breakfast
On the internet for hour or so then exercise bike. He will ask me within 10 mins of me getting up right what do we need from shops, I haven’t even woke up properly or know what we need/want
He is ready to go out by 10am
He hates staying around the house, so he goes and gets
Fresh Bread, and anything needed for that day
I don’t mind going, but he wants to get out of house
As for the meals,
he doesn’t cook them I do, him saying shall I put oven on is his way of telling me tea time.
He will hoover rug, hall, kitchen
Cut grass & hedge

I clean
Floors, dust bedrooms, clean windows, clean bathroom. Floor/shower/bath
Wash bedding when needed(he’d never dream off)
Help remove garden grass
Sweep up leaves
Big shop for other things we need

Re son
He can’t move out yet as where we live is expensive to buy/rent
He’s on minimum wage
So he will have to get someone to share the cost first.
It’s hard for young ones these days to get on property ladder
On minimum wage jobs
Sure he would love to

If dp doesn’t get out of house twice a day he’s climbing the walls. Yet he will not think of diy things that need doing

With my anxiety/depression bouts I haven’t recently been doing things outside the house a lot I never stop him from going out anywhere
Mainly household chores, gardening, shopping ((food and clothing anything needed) reading,tv,gransnet, colouring

He’s more an outdoor person
But nether of us have close friends

It’s just hard when there’s one sitting room, to get away for me time

specki4eyes Sun 26-Aug-18 10:39:23

Living with a man is a pain in the butt, IMHO. Not going to do it ever again.grin

jenni123 Sun 26-Aug-18 10:43:15

OCD is an illness, my daughter suffers from it. She and I are close BUT I am never invited to her house, well not just me, she doesnt like anyone in her house as they make it dirty. I could never ever just turn up, she wouldn't open the door. If you do visit her the place is always spotless, if you use the loo she will find an excuse to leave the room once you return and she will have to go and check that the hand towel is folded correctly, that the toilet paper is at the right length, that the lid is down etc. I lived in Egypt for 13 years so stayed with her when I came to UK on holiday, it was hard for us both, if I offered to wash up after a meal she would refuse or if I DID do it she would have to go and check it all. As you get off the sofa the cushions are plumped up. It's easier to let her visit me, I asked her once 'when you are here, does it bother you that there are things on the table or newspapers on the chair', she said 'No, it's not mine so it doesn't matter.' There is nothing out of place in her house, even her 'junk' drawer is tidy.

Saggi Sun 26-Aug-18 10:45:22

My husband has all of sudden become OCD....every time I ask if he wants a cuppa...he goes to the lavatory...EVERY time. Even if he’s just been upstairs! Every time I say “dinner” ...he goes to lavatory!! Because of not driving and having arthritis in my hands and back I get my groceries (bulky stuff) delivered on a Saturday . When he sees the van pull up outside’ve guessed it he goes to the lavatory. It’s happens also:

When doorbell rings
When phone rings
When any ‘ping’ goes off in kitchen
which indicates something either ready to eat or something ‘to be done’

He off course doesn’t need to go.... it’s either extreme laziness ...or OCD. Also it manifests itself with the one job he will do , and that is eashup after dinner at 6. He dries dishes and leaves them spread all over the work surfaces...and if I don’t clear them away they will be there when I get up in morning. The one and true thing I’m looking forward to when on my own is ‘timelessness’ . I’ll be doing what I want when I want. Also I HATE cooking and I’ve done it all for 46 years now. I don’t think I’ll EVER cook another meal when left on own. Pierce and ping will suit me fine!

Willow10 Sun 26-Aug-18 10:50:33

See a doctor about your depression - maybe with some treatment you would feel strong enough to make some decisions. Have a good long think about how you want to live the rest of your life - it's too short to be so unhappy.

Coconut Sun 26-Aug-18 10:58:37

If talking to him and voicing how you feel is out of the question, you then should maybe ask yourself .... do you want to live like this for the rest of your life, clearly unhappy ? We only live once, we all have to make the most of it and not just go thro the motions, or what’s the point of it all. Have you spoken to someone Re your anxiety/depression ? Maybe that should be the 1st step for you to take control of your life, good luck .....

JanaNana Sun 26-Aug-18 11:03:15

Some people by their nature are more organised than others and just like routine and order as anything messy stresses them out. Maybe some of it is a bit over the top but I think I would prefer this rather than have someone who is the reverse and leaves a mess everywhere and expects others to sort it out.
He probably sees this routine as a way to help fill his day since retiring. You don't say if their are any hobbies or joint interests that you share.
Finding something you both enjoy and could take an interest in could help break this rigid routine he has and get you both out of the house and change both your perspectives. Take the initiative and do something spontaneous together to get you out...often things done on the spur of the moment end up being really enjoyable. You need to try and break the routine in a nice way and have things to look forward to as a couple.

JacquiG Sun 26-Aug-18 11:07:59

Can you turn this to your advantage? It seems he helps round the house more than many too, and perhaps clean the glass in the shower much less often. If he wants it clean every time, then let him do it.

Is there part of your house you can turn into a space for you? A spare bedroom or a nook somewhere? You could put any hobby things there - sewing, knitting, books etc - a nice chair, small tv, laptop, lamp what ever you can afford? Something to play music?

For the depression and anxiety there is your doctor, make sure you eat properly, get sunshine and vitamin D if low. (ask for a test.) Meditation can be very helpful.

Don't stress over housework, give up doing so much so often. It's not necessary.

Ask your son if he can help with any DIY?

Join something. A choir, WI, some group doing activities you like.

Learn something new. There's lots of knowledge on the internet. Indulge in any fascination for Egyptology? Make birthday cards? Learn the guitar? Piano? Become a political activist on Twitter?

But not all at once. Take it steady and good luck.

GrannyO Sun 26-Aug-18 11:17:06

He sounds great. Want to do a swap?

GoldenAge Sun 26-Aug-18 11:24:42

Sounds to me as though he is jealous of your son and the only way he can control this is by implementing right routine so that he feels secure and to some extent has you in his grasp - you should consider the underlying problem which is how much his resentment of your son is genuinely affecting him - does he have children of his own - does he feel that some day your son will inherit his share of the house you bought between you - the OCD is born out of something - it’s a response to his environment and you need to find the trigger

paddyann Sun 26-Aug-18 11:26:00

Jennil23 sounds exactly like my daughter ,now she is confined to bed most of the time and she has absolute meltdowns if the kids leave anything lying about.Ido housework for her just to calm her down ,most of the time the house isn't dirty its untidy ,well she has 3 kids !! She knows she's being unreasonable to expect them to keep it the way she wants it but it doesn't make it easier for her.Like I said I'd be delighted if she was well enough to get up and back into her routines ,at least then she would be pain free and happy

NemosMum Sun 26-Aug-18 11:28:42

Nic28, he does sound ill. However, people with OCD are notoriously difficult to help and their condition leads them to blame others and see their behaviour as 'normal'. Also, it sounds as though he is very rude to you and your son, and I don't see why you should tolerate that. Frankly, it's hard to see what keeps your relationship going. You could try issuing him with an ultimatum to see the doctor (go with him). If he refuses to get professional help, you need to ask whether you want to live with him. I realise that it might be very difficult, but you will not be able to change him on your own, and the present situation is making you ill. You deserve better: head up, stand tall!