He stresses me out sometimes, ocd and retired

Not everybody has that luxury.

I eat only when hungry, drink when thirsty and sleep when tired. Everything else when I feel like it, usually on the spur of the moment.

Totally agree oldbatty and Jalima1108.

It may be good to tread carefully with the terminology.
I agree, oldbatty
These terms are thrown about nowadays without any realistic knowledge as to their proper meaning.

Nobody is for one second minimising the challenges faced by those with additional needs. It may be good to tread carefully with the terminology.

I agree DoraMarr - it seems to be rife on that other site

I said that:
OCD is an illness and is quite disabling. We have a young friend with this illness.

DoraMarr no-one on this thread has diagnosed OP’s DH, for the very reasons you mention, I’m sure! By suggesting OP researches Asperger Syndrome, she can decide for herself whether this might be the more likely reason behind the behaviours she’s struggling to live with. Thence to access the help that is out there for her.

Dora, couldn't agree more. It runs riot on other sites, where everybody has to have a syndrome.

I cannot bear being organised by other people but I have learnt that living together is all about compromise. Even that is hard sometimes! I'd hate to feel pressured into running along the same lines as him at home and there being no flexibility. It really would make me scream I think.

Nic28 I would see the doctor about your anxiety and depression. If you suffer, his rigidity is only going to make you feel worse. If treatment makes you feel a bit better you perhaps can carve out a life for yourself and make a few friends and acquaintances? I think it's crucial that you get a life of your own away from his timetable. You could then discuss flexibility at mealtimes, say?

I sympathise that your son is also bearing the brunt of some hostility. It's hard for adults to have a grown up child at home when they are retired, especially if your partner resents him. That must hurt you too. It's a bit of a cleft stick really because son cannot afford to move out.

I do think the first step though is for you to find pastimes outside the house once you feel better. Either that or you ditch your fussy man! Try and turn circumstances on their head perhaps and see him as helpful, given he does chores and is quite active. I think sometimes we have to look for silver linings too. He cannot help being the way he is, it seems.

Good luck - and do go and see the doctor. Once you feel stronger you might be able to tolerate the life you have or make a few subtle changes to it.

And here DoraMarr It seems any behaviour which doesn't conform to a poster's idea of the norm is diagnosed as mental illness. This is dangerous and very frightening for the person concerned.

DoraMarr
Heartfelt agreement here.

I’m surprised at the number of people on this thread and others who are diagnosing ASDs, OCD and other psychiatric disorders. These disorders are serious, uncommon and complex and need to be professionally diagnosed. They should not be slapped on as a label to describe behaviour that is irritating or annoying to the poster.

Irrelevant point perhaps, but if you wash the bedding what on earth is going into the machine twice a day? Even with towels after each of his two showers, that is odd. Only you can decide, but I don't think I could live such a life, on edge, irritated, questioned, pressurised from the moment I got up.

Nic - washing machine twice a day? What does he wash? The same things again? It must put up your electric bills. Would he agree to once a day, to save money?
With problems like you and he have, one step at a time.
I only wash about 3 loads a week.

Nic28 - I wonder your don't go crazy. It sounds like something on an adult autism spectrum, everything HAVING to be done at specific times, specific routines, no variation,etc,etc.

A GP's intervention, perhaps? But men are buggers to get into a doctors surgery, and don't I know it!

I think for some people, actively doing something is the only way they can relax.
They just are not able to just 'be', they need action.
Me?
"Sometimes I sits and thinks, and sometimes I just sits".

Otherwise he’s like a cat on hot bricks, up and down the stairs, round the front/back garden, telling who’s gone out, what cars are in the street etc.
Nic - this is the bit that I would find most difficult. One of my DS can be like that at times. I find it very stressful as you can't be relaxed when someone around you is so obviously agitated. I'm not sure if it is boredom, anxiety or something else.

Nic28 I sympathise with you but don’t think your husbands behaviour is OCD. You haven’t given any indication that he is afraid of consequences if he doesn’t follow his routine, which is common with OCD. I think his regimented behaviour is all about control born out of insecurity from his childhood. I also think it has the potential to get worse as he gets older if it remains unchallenged.
Also his attitude towards your son is very disrespectful and needs to be addressed. What does your son have to say to him, surely he can tell him not to be so rude when he walks between you and can insist he knocks on his bedroom door? He could always fit a lock to reinforce the point!

I think you both need to discuss what you each want from the relationship and try to reach a compromise. If you cant do that then maybe some form of counselling. The situation you describe is not going to improve by itself and your resentment will only fester. Good luck.

Firstly, get help with your anxiety. Until you do, decisions will be dufficult. However consider: how did DP act at home and at work when he was employed. Was he so set in routine then? How did he cope at work? OCD doesn't just happen all of a sudden. Once retired there is a tendency to adopt a pattern if daily life just the same as you do when working. If you do not feel you can live with such a structured life you need to consider what you do want and move on.

I think you need to worry about your own emotional and mental health in order to get into a place where you can make life decisions about whether you can slot into his routine or need to get away. As to his view of your son, I think it is quite common even if he was the biological father as it is unusual for generations to live together. In the animal world he'd be physically fighting your son to get rid of him and asserting his authority. If it were me, when he complained that nothing was done for him when he was young, I'd probably just say in a light tone that you don't want to be that sort of Mum and it doesn't hurt to be helpful.

May I suggest that if you find it difficult to think about what you need in the first 10 minutes you've woken up, you direct your DP to a list you've written the night before. Just say, "No thank you," when he asks about putting the oven on. If he's that hungry, he'll carry on and cook his own meal.

I suspect he has always had a routine but because he was at work, it didn't effect you as much. Only you can decide how much his regimental outlook you can stand to live with; it might help you decide whether it is worth putting up with if you write a list of the things you enjoy about him and see where the balance lies.

I can (sort of) understand the frustration with the putting on and removing biker gear. Not only was/is my ex keen on bikes (had 4, Norton Commando, Triumph Bonneville, Kawasaki and an HD) but there is a group who regularly stop for coffee in the nearby town and the palaver with helmet, gloves, walking round each other's bikes, jackets, scarves...adjusting this that and t'other. They then start up before everyone's ready and it's an almighty noise for a good 5 minutes.
Give me strength.
Mind you I have a friend who used to service my car and he invited me on his chapter's (Brighton) inaugural ride in March 2013. I went. There were police outriders and we spent the night in a hotel on the beach at Eastbourne. I add that I had a room with the only other female. It was fun.

This sounds very serious to me Nic28. Personally, I couldn't live like this. You really need to seek help, both for yourself and your partner. It's all very well people saying 'what are you complaining about?' if your partner is cleaning, shopping, cooking etc. It is not a healthy situation if neither of you are happy with it. I suggest you both find a relationship counsellor who has experience in such matters. You can then both talk to her/him about your anxieties etc. If you love each other it is worthwhile, if not then it would be better, in my opinion, to go your own separate ways.

Perhaps his father had some of those personality traits which made him difficult to live with and is why his mother left.
I think some of this might be insecurity.

I have experience of OCD and this doesn’t sound like it. For example, if your husband varied in his routine would he expect something disastrous to happen? I hope not for both your sakes, and if you still think it’s OCD, do see your GP, either with or without him.
Sounds like he used to live a regimented life and this is what helps him control his life.
Unfortunately it controls you too. You need to have a discussion.
Start to branch out yourself and do something unexpected. See how he reacts.

I think his security goes back to his mum leaving his dad .
Kids stayed with dad then aged him 19 sisters 13 & 10
He was on his own with both parents for first 6 yrs, he was always very very maticulas about his toys would always put them back into the boxes all neat and tidy (his words)
Sisters weren’t allowed in his room, also went out when older perfect. If anybody touched his things at home he’d go mad. Very very careful with his precession.

Even now living together for 16 years, There’s things he won’t let me touch. His car, he would rather take me than let me use it, where as he just get in mine( I don’t care) go in his side of wardrobe, he knows everything is set out precisely and would know if I moved anything.
Hides things so we can’t use them( well prob son) creams, moisturiser etc.
If I buy choc bars, he will hide his if he doesn’t want it then, so nobody else can eat it without him having one.

It’s probably a bit of both, ocd and routine, as he always says I’ve worked for 40 yrs I’m not just going to sit around the house. Not that I want him to, unless he’s doing something diy house wise. Otherwise he’s like a cat on hot bricks, up and down the stairs, round the front/back garden, telling who’s gone out, what cars are in the street etc.

He does have hobbies, tennis, motorbikes (weather permitting, doesnt like getting bike wet) pedal bike, watching on tv, although not for long, tennis, motorbikes, animal things.
Will not volunteer, well he does speedway ever week he loves them.

Not interested in anything I suggest doing together ie
Gym, swimming (he can’t swim) classes like. Yoga,Pilates or Zumba just things for a laugh to do.

It’s very hard for me at the moment with anxiety/depression bout (had it on/off since 22 now 60)
Anxiety can stop me doing/ going places sometimes. But he still goes out.
Yes I’m on meds, seen many people over the years. Currently upping meds at mo, so up and down.
I also think he suffers with anxiety but not to my extent where I can’t get out sometimes

He as no kids, and there’s not a chance he would leave his money to my son, even though they get on.
His moto is I got nothing/ no help of my mum or dad.
Where as my mum(widowed very young) with 5 kids, would if she had the money always ask are you ok.

We do get on and have a laugh, but like most couples have our arguments also. Mainly money( me asking for half of something I bought for house) or him taking over house things like we don’t live there and it’s him alone( routine he says) and if I do anything for son, he will mention sometimes. Doesn’t matter how many times I mentioned things like washing, he will turn it round sarcastic and say I’ll ask permission first then. Or I say if sons door is shut
Please knock before going in (I do) no not him just walks in
Told him loads off times.

It’s so bloody hard somedays, I need to switch off and learn to say no and say I don’t like routine to a set time.