Breakfast........... to start with [confused]

This is both mental and physical abuse, and you are so unhappy because with this type of man you will never get thro, simply because there’s not even an element of self doubt or consideration of your feelings. You have clearly been patient and have done all you can to keep the peace, but yes, you are enabling him to continue ....you are treading on eggshells and you cannot sustain this indefinitely .... why should you ? Why would you ? We only live once and we all deserve to live without fear. Marriage is a partnership with both people being equal, not one dominating the other. I would advise you to stay in the spare room and seek a solicitors advice, not a minister ! ASAP .... good luck ...

Oh my goodness. You need out of this abusive relationship now. Please get help. X

A knee in the groin would sort it out next time he pulls your hair! It seems that when a man retires, he feels a need to take over the house and control everything that happens in it. On Mumsnet they'd say LTB, and I think that's what you've got to do unless you want another 20 years of being bullied.

Well, it may depend on the Minister- some prefer to maintain the status quo and don't believe that a member of their flock are abusive - as your husband clearly is!
We have the reverse situation- my husband is the one who stays in bed - often until 10 or so. I'm up at 7,30, He is suffering from the side effect of some medication, although he has always liked a lie in. I take him tea in bed and then get on with my day, reading or go to the gym or fitness classes. Coffee is waiting when I get home. No point is getting angry etc That's the difference- accepting someone has different needs. The only irritation is I am starving beteen 12.30 - 1pm but he has not long had breakfast

Yes I agree with the others, this is domestic violence, he is hurting you physically, controlling you mocking you etc. Can you visit your doctor who may be able to get at least some counselling for you to get up your strength a bit and confidence. You can also look up domestic violence on your computer and there might be some help lines you can ring also. Do you have a close friend that you can confide in, if so let them know what is going on. Keep a Diary also of what is happening for your own sanity as later it might be needed. Do not be ashamed of this, it is not your fault. This sounds familiar to me as my own father was like this. My mother went through hell, then after she passed away his girlfriend also went through hell. Reach out for help. Take care and all the very best to you. Warmest wishes. Get support.

GabrielleG Ministers provide pastoral care as part of their duties (or at least the good ones do) and it may well be very helpful talking to your minister if you're a churchgoer.

Gabriella - a minister or priest will have heard it all before and will be able to guide someone towards the help they need

Padine do you have anywhere you could go for a few days, to a friend or family member? One of my closest friends suffered from the kind of behaviour from her OH that you are describing and she moved out for a week into a B&B. It seemed to radically change the situation, when her husband suddenly realised not only that he couldnt call the shots, but also he could end on his own for the rest of his life. They then went into counselling, although he did bail out quite early on saying that sitting talking was useless. Of course by then the counsellor had the measure of the relationship and my friend kept on with the therapy. Eventually she left him, however, it was amicable enough for a fair sharing of assets and the grown up children continue to see both parents. She is very happily settled into her own house.

Auntieflo
Just what good would talking to a minister do?

Physical abuse is not something that you can live with for the rest of your life. You have plenty of friends and although you might find it difficult on your own to start with it does not sound
as if there would be much to miss. Abusive men don't get better as they get older.
It is important to decide how you want to live out your life before age makes this too difficult. Then to plan it carefully so that you don't end up losing out with things you are entitled to. If you can afford to, maybe go away for a couple of weeks. Get the sleep you need, go to see the agencies people have suggested and then decide in your own time what you need to do.
I find men who block your way frightening (and that is without them having been physically abusive to me). It is very intimidating behaviour. I have been in a car with a man who I know longer want to be with more than once and felt panicky when they don't open the door when I want them to. It is the kind of thing that they can do and then deny that they were doing anything or say that you are over reacting.
Buy a diary and record his behaviour.

My oh retired end of last year and I hate it. I'm still working and although very tired cannot bear the thought of being given at home with him. He has no hobbies (I do but no time to do them) no friends to go out with and despite there being loads of jobs around the house that he never had time to do he is doing things that don't need doing but not doing good what does. He taps his feet or fingers or whistles (never done that before!) & hums it drives me nuts. He is a bully but in a grind you down sort of way and despite working hard all my life for a lovely home/life I am at a point where I'm not quite sure if this can go on? I have been there for him/parents/kids etc and if I dare take any time for me an accused of being selfish. I feel that if I give up work that will he the end of me but I really need to rest so am stuck. If he has pulled your hair then that's a step too far and if mine did that he'd be splitting his considerable pension and moving out. What is it with these men?

Padine
Time to say 'Goodbye'.
He won't change, not after 30+ years.
You have plenty of years ahead of you in which to enjoy life and the freedoms afforded by retirement and prudent financial decisions.
Why stay with a bully...unless, of course, you delight in being miserable and brought into line by a man whose only power, after retirement, is ordering your every move.
D.I.V.O.R.C.E.

Does he have outside activities and interests the same as you do? If not, perhaps he resents you having other activities that take you away from him. Retirement is not the bed of Roses some make it out to be at times.

All this behaviour is abusive. Controlling men don't change because they don't ever think they are wrong. Abusers say you "make" them do it because of your own behaviour. Please leave whilst you can. I speak as someone who was in a similar situation for a long time. Physical abuse accelerated at one point, when I initiated divorce to the point I thought I might be killed . My ex was arrested and charged with assault and was convicted.I gave evidence against him in court with the support of family and friends. I now live alone ( very happy) with a restraining order against him . Don't find yourself in the same place as me.

Padine, I am so sorry to read about your relationship that has gone severley wrong. You mentioned about going to church, could you not talk to your minister, while you are waiting for an appointment to talk to an organisation that could help you. Lots of advice here from others to mull over, but please do something quickly.

Please stay in the spare bedroom and get help quickly, your situation sounds terrifying, he is a nasty, controlling man.

You need to tell someone in real life what is going on.

It's not about retirement or breakfast or the possibility that the husband is unwell. It is an abusive situation. He is preying on the fact that the lady has very low self esteem, which is a result of abuse during childhood. The move may add to the vulnerability. I would urge the lady to start in whatever way she likes, the GP, a friend, women's aid, the Samaritans. Please take action. You are worth so much more than this.

Have just read earlier posts and updates more carefully and am amending my thoughts. My apologies. From what you have said he isn't on the same page, his behaviour is controlling and abusive and you do need to follow other posters advice and get some good advice and support for yourself. Look after yourself. ?

As the old saying goes, "for better or for worse but not for lunch" or possibly breakfast and if things get really tricky maybe not for dinner either. Things do need to be renegotiated on retirement. Sometimes the busyness of our preretirement lives concealed the underlying issues which now have all the time in the world to emerge. Start with some big conversations and reflections about how you both would your life to be in this next phase. Is he on the same page, not reading the same book but prepared to give it a go or hasn't given it a moments thought? May be some treacherous waters ahead with occasional dragons sighted. Good luck.

You are not lucky, nor full of self pity. Not at all. You are someone who is in an abusive relationship and who is very unhappy. This man is sucking the joy and the life out of you, and destroying your self esteem. Please seek advice and take steps to leave, as soon as you can.

Make sure that you have all-important documents, especially financial documents such as bank accounts and pension details, and protect your assets (is there any way he could empty the account you have a joint account?). I would also seek advice from a solicitor.

Then, when you are ready and have somewhere to go (Women's Aid can help with this), just leave. Don't give him any advance warning or he could turn nasty. He is an abusive bully whose behaviour is likely to get worse.

I think there is something wrong with him, and there possibly always has been but it has been somewhat diluted. Retirement had thrown you together and brought these traits to the forefront.

Please live the rest of your life as you want to. Able to feel some joy with each new day.

Please reach out to the resources people have suggested above for support, and start comsidering all your options.

Meanwhile, try to separate within the home. Stay in your spare bedroom. Stop sharing meals with him. Don’t share outings. Continue your own interests. Fit a lock to the spare room door. Get a locked box for your work as he apparently destroys that. Get another locked box for your valuables and especially your important documents.

When he complains about this, calmly but firmly tell him that you are putting space between you until he addresses [list his abusive behaviours].

Remember, if you are ever afraid, call the police. That is what they are there for.

For what it's worth, I think you need to take action as suggested by so many posters.

As you know, I suggested he might have something wrong inside his brain. You say he was always a bit controlling etc. Well, perhaps something is going wrong medically and making these traits worse.

Perhaps I am completely wrong or naive but I had a male relative who had always been very good to his wife of forty years but, as he aged, he went completely the other way but it was because of the illness.

I admit I might be barking up the wrong tree but wonder if it's worth a thought.

Padine this sounds awful. Please have a look at the Women's Aid website, which has all sorts of helpful information. www.womensaid.org.uk

This page in particular tells you what domestic abuse is. From your posts, your husband is ticking at least three of the boxes. www.womensaid.org.uk/information-support/what-is-domestic-abuse/