Breakfast........... to start with [confused]

I seems quite a common phenomena that many men feel they have the right to control the lives of their wives even though their actions are rarely beneficial.
You need to nip this early in the bud and agree some ground rules or you will either end up ill or divorced.
Ask him why he feels the need to control your life, would he accept the same behaviour from you. What is making him so insecure to feel that he has to dictate what time you rise and the fact that he cant breakfast alone.
Does he want a divorce because his actions are making this quite likely.
My ex husband was similar , and i watched my daughter go through a more extreme control marriage which she has only recently managed to escape.

I think there comes a time in life where you should do what you want including getting up at whatever time you like. Through out your life you have to take other peoples wants and needs in consideration,parents, children and work .I would stick to doing what you want when you want or the rest of your life will be one of compromise and resentment. My husband and I split up a couple of years after he retired and we are good friends now.

If he wants breakfast early and you want to stay in bed, suggest he make breakfast and bring it to you in bed. He can either then eat his in the bedroom with you or go back to the kitchen.

This is an adjustment period for you both - will he sit down and have a discussion about it?

Thank you, I moved into the spare room yesterday after another blazing row. He didn't expect me to stick to this and was sulky when I put on all the washing this morning! He couldn't get into the machine to remove his T-shirt and was not happy.
Yes, your replies have given me courage to do what I want and that it's OK to do that. He is making me ill Joelsnan and it's not on.
On Sunday there it was pouring rain and even tho church is only a 10min walk away, I thought we would take my car. Oh no, we had to walk with him carrying a brolly. I complained and like the kid throwing his toys out of the pram he shouted at me to take the car but he would still walk. Silly me gave in and walked,so it's my own fault for letting him always get his own way. That's just one example of how I allow him to tell me what to do. He says he never tells me what to do as nobody would dare tell me what to do, but I'm not like that. My father was like him - telling me what to do, hitting me if I dared disobey him and I guess I'm just used to being abused. He has pulled my hair many times (did so yesterday), barred my way, ripped paper I was writing on, made fun of the choir work I was doing. I tried to kick him out of the way,but missed. Not that I would have hurt him anyway as I'm much smaller than him.
Time to sort this mess out?

This needs to get sorted asap!

Oldwoman, he used to bring coffee back to bed occasionally until I realised this was to get me up earlier. I accused him of this and coffee stopped. Never breakfast in bed, ever. I have made breakfast in bed for us but that didn't go down well at all. I have asked him to talk about this but there is no discussion at all. He is right 100% but doesn't like it when I call him a bully - he turns it round and says nobody could ever bully me but he does.

Huh? pulled your hair?!

If anyone's behaviour made me want to kick them, I'd be taking a very long and serious look at why I am anywhere near them.

I really don't understand why people can't just let others do their own thing. The motto in our house is that "anything for a peaceful life" and if that means we are each doing our own thing in separate rooms with an occasional check to see whether the other needs food or drink, that's what I would call companionable silence.

Good luck going forward!

Sorry am I reading this correctly? He is physically abusive? I thought it was just a case of being grumpy.please seek immediate professional help.

I know, I feel I bring it on myself but would advise a friend not to put up with it. I'm ashamed.

The physical abuse is the issue ...its why you end up doing what he wants. It is bullying. You should not have to live like this! . You need advice ...I would suggest some counselling for you to help you work out what you actually want to do, and then relevant other advice and help depending on what you decide!

Having read your subsequent post then I withdraw my previous advice. Sounds as if this can't be sorted by talking it through. Do you have family you can talk to? This is abuse, mental and physical. Do please get some professional help and advice

Speak to Relate or Citizen's Advice - or a solicitor.

Thank you x

Do you have your own finances?

Padine you absolutely must not feel ashamed.
The shame is his to carry.

I do hope that the support you will get on here will encourage you to stop putting up with his bad behaviour, it will probably get worse as he is not used to the new you. Tell him how it is going to be from now on and if he does not like it then there will be a parting of ways. Stay strong the future is going to be so much better for you now you are standing up to him.

I think you should take notice of JudyJudy12 who posted above this post. Her stance is exactly what you should do.

I think I'd add - how about asking Citizens Advice or even try and get a free half hour with a Solicitor to see where you stand.

Naturally, I do not know your financial position and it is none of my business but it could well affect any decisions you make for the future. Money is not everything but it is important.

I hope things can be sorted out. Good luck.

Contact woman’s aid the charity that supports people undergoing domestic violence! What you have described is DV! and coercive Controlling behaviour is now a recognised criminal offence. This man is grinding you down and attacking your self esteem not to mention the physical violence! I am afraid this is a bit more than just being grumpy or even a bully it’s out and out abuse and you don’t have to tolerate it! Woman’s Aid are an excellent charity and can give you tailored advice, please give them a call.

Sorry to post again but I've had a thought. Did he used to be all right to you?

If this is a sudden change, could it be a medical problem? I don't want to be a dramatic alarmist but could something have happened in his brain to do with the ageing process?

Perhaps I am completely wrong.

Thanks again for all the support and advice. We attempted to discuss things 2 hours ago but it all went pear-shaped when I looked out of the window (away from him) as he was talking at me and he said if I looked out of the window once more he would....I flew at him then and said he'd do what? So that was the end of that talk.
Melanie, he's always had a controlling streak but it has become worse since we retired. He's always been a bit OCD/on the spectrum and that too has become noticeably more so. Everything is black or white with nothing in between. For example the Sunday episode about us walking to church in the rain - that came up in our earlier "talk" - he said that meant I would never go walking with him again. I couldn't get him to see walking to church was an option. Breakfast too - he can't understand why I may sometimes get up and we'd eat breakfast together. Does this make sense - surely other couples sometimes have breakfast together, other times not together?

Padine this sounds awful. Please have a look at the Women's Aid website, which has all sorts of helpful information. www.womensaid.org.uk

This page in particular tells you what domestic abuse is. From your posts, your husband is ticking at least three of the boxes. www.womensaid.org.uk/information-support/what-is-domestic-abuse/

For what it's worth, I think you need to take action as suggested by so many posters.

As you know, I suggested he might have something wrong inside his brain. You say he was always a bit controlling etc. Well, perhaps something is going wrong medically and making these traits worse.

Perhaps I am completely wrong or naive but I had a male relative who had always been very good to his wife of forty years but, as he aged, he went completely the other way but it was because of the illness.

I admit I might be barking up the wrong tree but wonder if it's worth a thought.

Please reach out to the resources people have suggested above for support, and start comsidering all your options.

Meanwhile, try to separate within the home. Stay in your spare bedroom. Stop sharing meals with him. Don’t share outings. Continue your own interests. Fit a lock to the spare room door. Get a locked box for your work as he apparently destroys that. Get another locked box for your valuables and especially your important documents.

When he complains about this, calmly but firmly tell him that you are putting space between you until he addresses [list his abusive behaviours].

Remember, if you are ever afraid, call the police. That is what they are there for.

I think there is something wrong with him, and there possibly always has been but it has been somewhat diluted. Retirement had thrown you together and brought these traits to the forefront.

Please live the rest of your life as you want to. Able to feel some joy with each new day.