Granddaughter first birthday

Bluebell is not an old bag. I have it on good authority she is a trendy type who sports a fine head of hair and the latest leopard skin jacket.

This is my first post and this story is so why I joined gransnet. My husband and I have the same issues with our son and dil and have not seen our two granddaughters for 2 1/2 years. Breaks our heart and I wish I could feel proud of our sons actions in being loyal to his wife but all I feel is disappointed.

Message deleted by Gransnet. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

You’ve ever had a family party and the name fills you with dread oldbatty ? but perhaps the ‘meet ups and drinks’ are at a family home sometimes?

So sorry for you. My mother used to start a conversation calmly but if we didn't agree with, or see her point of view, she would just get louder and shriller, never listening. My brother decided he'd had enough and walked away and never spoke with her again. You said you'd begged and pleaded, shouted and screamed. Make sure you can stay in control when you do get the opportunity to speak with him again.

I don't think I have ever had a family party in my life.

My own small family meet up for meals and drink sometimes.

I think maybe a 2 hour journey with a baby is a lot to ask your son? Also if things are a bit sensitive maybe a big party is not the way to restart relationships.

I agree with Apricity to a large extent. Have you considered you sons girlfriends feelings, unexpected pregnancy but they are trying to make a go of things and she has an unpredictable mother, I would sent her a message if I could saying how you wished her well and would love to welcome her into your family but only when she feels ready plus she doesn't have to meet the whole clan. I would just sent a
loving short message to your son every couple of weeks. It is a lot for any young mother without pressure from partners family. Those three need a strong relationship, there are many happy long marriages and unions from a shaky start. They need all the help they can at their pace. Knowing you have their corner and understand will mean a lot.

Maybe the answer lies in the big extended family. Big convivial families can be both a wonderful blessing and support but for some people they can be also overwhelming and feel like a cage forever defining who they are. Perhaps your son needs time and space away from the family to make his own life with his partner and new baby. For those who love the big family environment it can be hard to understand those who see it differently. Give your son some time and keep the door and the communications open but casual. Tracking addresses that he doesn't want to give you is not a good course of action and is likely to result in real estrangement. Send birthday greetings to your granddaughter via text and leave it at that. Maybe it is just unfortunate timing that the new job and move away coincided with your granddaughters 1st birthday rather than a deliberately hurtful action. Letting go of our babies (and their babies) is hard. ?

Nanagem...your parties sound fun. I don't mean to sound flippant, but with such a big family around you, your life must be so full. Of course, you want your son with you to complete the family picture. Keep enjoying your parties !

Your son is still very young to be a dad. Did he have a good relationship with his own dad I wonder.

Maybe this first year has been hard going and I'll bet they are either with her mother or they have separated and he's not seeing much of the baby.

Perhaps I'm being melodramatic but why else would he keep you at arm's length?

Please enjoy DHes birthday.

Keep inviting them. Keep the lines of communication open. Good luck!

Don’t you like family party’s oldbatty?, I have to say it’s something we love, we both come from big family’s, and we have all had 2 or three children, many grown now with families of their own. We always get together if we can find a reason, in June it was because my brother had a new tv to show off. As there is anything up to 100 people, some people come to every occasion, some once a year or so, it’s normally a buffet sort of thing, with a few beers and wine, and loads of tea!. I love seeing everyone, and doing an informal do will mean he doesn’t have to come, or get lost in the crowd if he wanted to.

sorry but the words " family party" fill me with dread.

Nanagem Yes invite your son and family to your DH's party but please do it because you want to have a party for your DH ....don't do it just because you 'hope' they will attend. Have a party - enjoy it - don't be constantly looking at the door!

As for putting money aside? Up to you but personally I wouldn't do it! Just a reminder of how sad you feel. I would leave it all now until your son gets in touch. You can always leave your grandchild something in your will but actively starting an account - in my mind - just hurts you more jmo though

A PP suggested that the young man was so enjoying his new life that he wasn't making the effort to stay in more frequent touch.
Possibly the opposite is the case. It may be that a new home, new job, and proximity to his gf's mother is difficult for him to adjust to. He may feel he's made some big mistakes. In that case he may be too embarrassed or even too despondent to see his parents. Give him time and space, the situation may change in the next few months.
The second sentence of your OP seems to suggest that, left to yourself, you'd have been there within minutes of the birth, wanted or not. I sometimes need to curb my enthusiasm too!

No I didn’t want to involve work, that feels wrong. I have put money into a new savings account for her, and will do again for Christmas if need be. I also bought a charm bracelet instead of a card, and will to that as needed.

It’s dh birthday, a big one, at the end of the month, I think I will do a family party and invite them, if they come they come, if they don’t there will be plenty of others there to still have a good do.

This is so sad. Maybe your son is finding parenthood and a relationship difficult at his young age, and maybe his MiL is being rather controlling? Your son likely does not have the maturity to stand his ground and is frantically trying to keep the peace at home. I think the way you have been treated is disgraceful, expecially after you stood by the young couple and helped them cope with the emotions and expense of a baby, for the MiL to swan in and take over after you have done all the hard work is unforgiveable. I wouldn't recommend tracking your son down, it may be misinterpreted or used against you by the MiL. Just keep your dignity, message your son, and hopefully, eventually, your son and his wife will see her mother for the manipulator she is. You have my sympathy, and my anger on your behalf, it truly sounds very unfair.

Agree Oldbatty....In fact, I wouldn't even send presents at all. I would just let my son know I am there if he wants me...end of...then get on with enjoying my life.

I wouldn't start messing around sending gifts to his workplace. Perhaps send a message giving the impression you are having a good time somewhere.

I don't like deceit but it may give out a carefree message rather than sort of needy and sad.

quizqueen

OP's relationship with her son is NONE of his sister's business. That's a wonderful way to put the sister in the middle and create MORE problems.

I speak as an AC who DID get in the middle of a conflict between a sibling and our parents. The conflict ended, then started up again. This time I said I'm not touching it with a 10-foot pole.

If you know where your son works, you could always send a gift via that address. I would send clothes then he can always say he bought them if he thinks they will be rejected, for whatever reason, or you could set up a savings account for your grand child in the hope that you have contact in the future.
I would get his sister to tackle him about why he has cut his family out of his baby's life.

I am so sorry and hope things settle soon, you are in touch and I also wonder if they are living with the other gran and he can't ask you to visit, is there any way you can actually speak to him?

I do not have any advice, but I do feel for you. My DD moved and did not tell us where, I only heard from my stepson and like you I do not know why she keeps D GDs away from us.
Do it's not only sons and Dil but daughters and sil please take care

Feel for you nanagem
Everyone sees it from their point of view and experiences and of course it is tempting to refute the old adage if you have proved it wrong but it does point to something. Linked to the ancient power women have always had in the family even if deprived of it in the public sphere. In the home the female rules and the men know it.
I have no idea why my DIL is hostile to me; from the moment she met me as a young girlfriend she was unfriendly and competitive with me. Never met anything like it before. She was also very determined and very possessive over my son.
They visited me on bank holiday Sunday (I had initiated the meeting over messenger with my son) with their two daughters 6 and 3. My son explained to the 3 year old that I was his mother- I could have cried.
DIL won’t eat in my house or let me feed children. They bring their own food from the supermarket on the motorway.
On the way to the event we had arranged she said she didn’t want me to go in their family car, I could drive myself. As I live alone and so rarely see them I said I would prefer to be wedged between their car seats; I so enjoyed sharing a book with them on the short journey (where’s Spot?) on the way back she insisted I sit in the front.
With her it is her controlling father who calls the shots, her mother is rarely mentioned except with disdain, she went off with her father and the children for a week after the visit and yet still told me that she found the visit to me very disruptive for the children.
It is heartbreaking and I can only hope that the future will be better. My son did come up to me during the visit to the children’s zoo, after she had removed the oldest child from my hand, And asked if I was OK when I obviously showed some dismay.
I can’t see how confrontation would help. Perhaps i’m Just too scared. I said I was fine. I have never been allowed access to them alone. They have never stayed etc.
I have always loved children and babies and women, doing voluntary work in nurseries as a child, giving up my career for seven years to be full time mum, my choice, and now I have this. It is hard sometimes not to feel sorry for oneself but that doesn’t butter any parsnips.
My son sends me messenger videos and pictures that keep me going. My son’s in his forties she is ten years younger. Your son is very young and for some reason or another wants you to back off. Just keep the link going and don’t force things ... No real answers just loads of sympathy. At the end of the day I think, well she has given me two grandchildren, she loves my son, they seem happy. As a mother perhaps that should be enough. But I have so much to give and feel deprived I have to admit.

I have no idea why your son is acting the way he is. Nobody really knows what has gone in for sure but sounds puzzling.

I think all you can do is back off let him know you love them and let them know your door is always open. Then get on with enjoying your life with the rest of your family.

As for “a sons a son...etc”. I believe some wives CAN call the shots and weak men will not stand up to them. I also believe the wife’s mother can contribute by being selfish! I positively ensure my daughters include their in laws even to the point of stepping back. Result is happy relationships all round. Clingy wives and bossy MIL are a recipie for disaster! Your son - like my brother - may eventually get fed up with being controlled and realise his family are important too or he may put up and shut up. Either way I am afraid it really is his choice- as much as it hurts to lose touch like this. Be patient and I have a feeling things will change in the not so distant future. Good luck

I have only daughters so can't relate what you are going through to my own experience. I have bent over backwards not to be the "primary grandmother" and with one set, the other grandma, whom I like very much (we went shopping for MoB and MoG clothes together!) has more time with our joint grandchildren. She is retired and I am not. She is also much more patient than I am. But I have as close a relationship as I want with the children. I do hope you resolve your issues with your son and get to spend time with your granddaughter.