Granddaughter first birthday

You deserve better than this. You need to let your son know how unhappy you are.

I have tried greenfinch, I’ve begged and pleaded, shouted and screamed, but the only contact is messenger, which if he chooses to ignore he can.

I do believe he’s frightened to loose his baby and her mum, I understand that, and I’m proud that he has stood by her. We brought all our children up to be responsible for their actions, and had his fun, and now a daughter at such a young age, I’m proud he’s coping.

I just don’t understand why we have been cut off, not just me, or his dad, but his brother and sister as well.

It should be such a happy day, I just hope where ever he is, he’s happy, and enjoying life.

Sorry to hear about this and having spoken with two sets of friends over the weekend who have married sons with children it does seem more prevalent amongst sons.

On a practical note: if you have the actual address it is very easy to find the postcode using the Royal Mail website.

That’s the problem, he uses the lack of postcode as a reason not to give the address.

I’m obviously not allowed the address, he has opened the birthday message I sent on messenger, but no reply.

You say your son is very young and ‘had his fun’ but has stood by his baby and mum but you also speak of his mother in law so how young is young and is this a married man with a family or a fun experience that ended with a baby, are they living together as a family unit? I m not being nosy I just think it makes a big difference because if it’s not a solid relationship perhaps he doesn’t want you to get to involved with the little one in case it doesn’t work out and he moves on Could that be it ?

What a sad situation. Something has gone wrong along the way
Can you say any more about it? I know it doesn't feel like it but the messages are a good sign.

What would you do if you had the address?

Was there a quarrel?

It seems such a shame as grandparents can pay an important role in a child's life.

If he doesn't want to have proper contact with you, I think he should give you the reason. At least you would know why there is such limited contact.

I hope things turn out well.

He’s 21 bluebell, his girlfriend is 20. Her mother is very controlling, and has caused problems with the young couple in the past, and swore she wanted nothing to do with the baby, up until the birth we supported them financially and emotionally, helped them get a rented flat and furniture, and set up for the baby, my son has a good job and earns well for his age, but his gf was at college, which she has left to raise the baby. After the birth we carried on doing what we could, but her mother took over, became the perfect gran, with no room for us. They came here for the day on Boxing Day and everything was fine, I thought. But since then, we haven’t been allowed near, I have health and mobility problems which makes going out hard, but they made it clear we weren’t welcome, done of us, evens my daughter who has always been very close to her brother.

He messaged before he moved that they were getting a house, instead of a second floor flat, and he implied we would be able to visit there. Now, we’ll that must be changed, I just want to know where he is, I wouldn’t go rushing there unasked, but I would send flowers /cards /gifts as birthdays etc, and of course I would love to be asked to visit.

How very sad Nanagran the worst part is not knowing why isn’t it ? All I can suggest and it isn’t much but keep the door open, keep sending a message now and then not too often but every few weeks maybe Can you tell him that you aren’t asking for his address to come round but would like to send the girlfriend some flowers for the new home and you promise never to come uninvited Does he have a Dad?
I can’t think of anyway else to get ‘involved’

Sorry got your name wrong Nanagem

I think BlueBelle has given you excellent advice.

Mothers of sons go through such heartache. One of my sons has texted me to say he wants nothing to do with me all because of a drunken argument (not even a row). And yet he puts pictures of his little darlings on 'cloud'....I sometimes wish he took me off 'cloud' so that I don't have to see them. The more you see photos, the more you ache to see them.
Be a bit patient Nanagem..... He hasn't cut you out of his life. The mothers of these girls have a lot to answer for. Good luck Nanagem.....my friend is so lucky. Her sons are so devoted to her.

You sound rather negative towards the other grandparents, if you have voiced this then I can see why he would not want the problems that would cause.

I know I sound negative, and I feel with Just reason, but I have never let that come out to anyone other DH, I supported them during the pregnancy,, and did all I could to try and maintain a mother daughter relationship, and help them get through it. Whenever I met the mother, she was often very nasty, shouting at all of us, her daughter my son, as well as myself and DH, but I still tried to be tolerant. The last time I saw her was at the hospital, she was leaving as we arrived. She was full of the fact the baby was lovely, admired my gifts, and told me about hers, to happy excited grannies, we parted with a smile and see you soon.

Something must have happened on Boxing day, could have been a comment that you have forgotten about but meant a lot to the couple.
Very difficult to apologise when you do not know what for.

I feel for you, it’s a horrible situation to be in especially when you have done nothing wrong. I am in a similar situation myself, although unlike you I know where my son and grandchildren live. The only thing I can say and is what I am clinging to at the moment is that eventually I hope he will get in touch. I have come to realise that the saying A sons a son till he gets a wife is very true. I hope you have someone to talk too about this as I am find that not being able to talk to anyone is very hard, I like you miss my son and grandchildren so much it hurts. Big hug from me. X

That son is a son till he gets a wife thing is starting to irritate me. The young man is an adult in his own right with a job and a family.

We don't own our children. They don't owe us anything.

The couple are very young, it seems the pregnancy was unplanned.

Something has gone wrong along the way. The other person isn't " the perfect Gran". She sounds like quite an unpredictable character. Perhaps she is influencing things and pulling the strings behind the scenes.
I wonder what you would have liked Nanagem....and what you still would like?
Is there any way you can move towards a resolution?

Sorry I irritated you but in this case it’s absolutely true, no we don’t own our children but if they are adults they should act like them. My son was a completely different person, before he met his wife, and before you jump on that I know he has to put his wife and family above us. He was in a long term relationship before and we were involved in his life, now since he met our DIL and got married,he no longer visits we had to do all the visits to his house, he doesn’t even involve himself with his nephews and nieces or his siblings which he was very close too. I have two other DILs and a SIL who I have a great relationship with so I can hand on heart say I am not one of those MILs and yes my other two sons have gravitated to there in laws but they still involve us in there lives.

I m with you Oldbatty if I hear that a son is a son mantra totted out one more time I might just scream
Girls will always want their own mums more than a mum in law (unless they have a nasty mum or have lost their own) it’s just normal and common sense If the son doesn’t want to know his own mum then you need to look at what has gone wrong because no son with any bxxxx is going to allow his loved one to dictate that he will never contact his own mum again
Just because a son takes a wife and maybe moves away it doesn’t follow that they will cut contact My own son moved thousands of miles away but we still speak every week his in laws live round the corner from him and he has Sunday dinner there, well good for them My best friend has three married sons all live away but ring her up all the time to make sure she’s ok and come to visit with or without their partners
It’s not to do with gender of children it’s to do with the relationship itself

I feel so sad for all these families losing out on seeing their grandchildren,unless you have done something horrible ,you should be able to see your grown up kids and their kids,I don't believe you should just shut out your family because you have a partner and a family,they still bought you up and cared and loved you,and made you into a person someone else loves too!
I see some of you ladies have put ,that your kids in owe you nothing,I disagree,I think you are still owed love and respect,children get some much from their grandparents,it's very enriching for them ,to spend time with their extended family.
I have grown up grandchildren aged 16 and 17 ,and do not see them for a few weeks,but I message them on Facebook,and sometimes they say to my daughter ,their mum,I want to see nan and grandad and they will come over ,and join us on days out.

They count themselves very lucky to have two sets of grandparents,so it's a win,win for everyone!
If it was me ,I would want to know what is wrong,I don't think I would pussyfoot around,I would directly ask my son ,if there is a problem ,you have helped them a lot,as of course a mum and nan would,but I would feel very shut out in these circumstances.
In other cultures the family is more of a unit and kids, aunties,uncles, cousins and grandparents all see each other and all these relationships bring so much to children.
I taught primary and Secondary school for years,and grandparents are so valued by any age child.
Try to find out where they live,send a card and letter,saying you would love to see their new place ,and is there anything they would like as a housewarming gift.
Dont give up!
It's not wrong to want to see your family!

I hate that "a son is a son" thing too.My son visits us every time he passes the door.Daily some weeks,,other times he and his partner just appear when she finishes work and flop down for a blether .When my sons relationship with his daughters mother ended it was us he came home to,and stayed for 7 years .There has to be a reason for your son to cut you off,have you been nasty about his partner or her mother or do they think you were too controlling? Its a very fine line isn't it from being good to them to trying to take over their lives .Dont give up hope and you could try the electoral register for their address.If they pay council tax they should be on the register

I apologise if I came over as rude. I had quite a harsh upbringing so the whole family thing is tricky for me.

I have 2 sons, one if gay....now there's a different dynamic to negotiate!
The other has a long term gf.....we had some very stormy times but to be honest its his business and as long as he is well ,that's fine by me.
As to girls gravitating to their mother, not necessarily.

Its hard when out kids grow up.....who are we? what are we for?.....possibly a time to grow and develop and send the young uns on their way.