New man

Goodynanny - It's not clear whether they disapprove of you having another relationship or whether they disapprove of the new man or both.

My sons are the same age as yours and I'm not sure how they'd react if I was on my own and found a new prospective partner. Have you asked them why they don't want to meet him?

I don't think you need to feel guilty about doing something they may not approve of - this doesn't sound right. Surely your husband wouldn't have expected you to spend the rest of your life on your own?

You have 2 choices - either tackle them head on and challenge them to explain what their issue is or refrain from mentioning anything more to them about the new man.

There's no rush for him to meet them - is there?

Good nanny do your grown up sons live with you?

I remember when my mother remarrried three years after my father died. I was 21 and married myself. The new man was ok, I didn't dislike him but was very wary of him because he had no home of his own, was divorced and had three grown up children by his first wife.

He turned out an ok husband to her and grandfather to all the GC.

I guess the memory of my father at that time was still fresh, but I never once rejected my mother's choice of companion. I had my life and it was none of my business.

My younger brother took it hard though and decided to leave home, as did my sister who was the youngest at 17. She also moved out with bad feeling.

It didn't help with my mother's behaviour - becoming arrogant and self centred despite all the support we, as children, gave her following my father's death. I guess we felt rejected and not wanted now she had found someone else.

I think she would have been worse if she hadn't found someone else, judging by her behavior since she become a widow again ten years ago.

I think your sons possibly feel (wrongly of course) that you are somehow being disloyal to their father's memory by starting another relationship.

Did they ever meet this new man when your husband was still alive? If so, did they like him then?

Unless there is a back story to this, it does seem a shame that they can't be happy for you. Don't risk your relationship with your sons, although if they do meet him, you shouldn't tolerate any rudeness on their part.

Why not have an adult conversation with your sons, together or singly, at an appropriate moment and just ask them why they are so uncomfortable with this new relationship? Don't speculate or make assumptions which may be terribly wrong. Allow them to voice their concerns, listen carefully and respectfully. Ultimately of course it is your life and your decision but don't jeopardise your relationship with your sons. It doesn't have to be a them or him situation. You can have both unless there are some very good reasons why that is not possible and, if that is the case, surely you would want to know those reasons.

Enjoy your new relationship and leave your sons to come to terms with it in their own time.

Don't invite them when you expect your friend to be at your place. I'm assuming you are not living together? If they do turn up when you are with him either in your home or outside it, just say casually, "As you see NN's here, it's been ages since you saw each other, hasn't it?" thus signalling that you expect polite, adult behaviour.

If they are rude or offhand, tell them that their behaviour disappoints you, either at once, depending on what is said and how, or afterwards. If you like, point out to them that you don't love their father any less for having started a new relationship after his death. Presumably, he would not have wanted you to be miserable for the rest of his life.

Having been on the receiving end of that situation (husband's adult children from marriage which had ended 10 years before) I'd ask your sons if they're going to look after you when your old and infirm.
My step kids have totally changed their tunes now that their dad needs looking after.............

Tell your sons that they don't need to worry about their inheritance because you have already made a will leaving everything you own to a donkey sanctuary.

Of course they don't like him. Who wants another alpha male around. Take no notice. Tell them to be pleasant and civilised, you want to enjoy the rest of your life and they are not to tell you how to lead it.

I'm getting fed up of children telling their perfectly compos mentis parents what to do and how to do it. Perhaps reassure them they will get the house and any money when you pass. Not that that is what they are thinking of course...

I would carry on seeing him and not make a big issue out of it. Let a meeting happen naturally with your sons, don’t force it. Enjoy your time with this man without guilt. It’s your life to live. Live with him if the relationship goes that far, don’t marry him. Just update your wills with a professional if this happens.

As others have said, it is not for your sons to decide if it is OK for you to have a new relationship. And , again as others have suggested, they may be worried about inheritance , so maybe it might help to hear about a common solution to this issue. Of course you may already have thought of this and I realise you are not at the moment talking about marriage - but here it is : you both agree that you will leave your money to your children in the same way as you would have done, even though you have re-married (You both need to make a new will on marriage,so any small changes can be made at that time) You may need to specify things like the right of the surviving spouse to remain in the marital home. But it can all be taken care of. You quietly tell your children about all this, at the appropriate time. But the main thing is to celebrate your new relationship ! There is no reason for guilt - just celebration!

How long have you been seeing this man? If not for long, I quite understand why. They would probably rather wait.
If, conversely, if you have been seeing him for ages.... I ALSO understand why - 3 years after your husband died is not very long to 29/35 year olds.

Also, Jaycee5 is right to say that some people wouldn't want to meet him anyway out of feelings for their father.
So maybe don't ask again for a while, or if you must, ask them gently, if there is something specific that worries them.
Good luck

I think sometimes people have to compartmentalise their lives. I didn't have any great wish to meet my father's new wife (although it was different as my mother wasn't dead and had been badly treated).
People sometimes just don't want to do something. It may not be anything to do with this man but the position that was taken by their father. I think their view should be respected and they should not be pressured into meeting him. You also should not feel that you cannot have this new relationship.
I would continue with your new relationship and continue with your sons' relationship with you as it was before. If your new relationship continues and develops they will probably come round in their own time. If it doesn't, then nothing has been lost.

I hope it isn't that your sons are worried about inheritance. After all, you can see a Solicitor if you wish to leave them money after re-marriage etc. I think it is your money anyway.

Is that they were especially close to their father?

I don't think you should feel guilty. You have your life to live and they have their lives. Carry on seeing this new man.

I wish you the very best of luck. You only have one life.

right well bye bye 2 adults and see to yourself. Selfish behaviour from them.

I would think its more about them thinking you're forgetting their dad than about inheritance.I know I would have found it very hard to accept another man in my mums life or home .The home my dad worked all his life to build for his family.
If that makes me selfish then thats what I am,but it was never about money just loss .If they were very close to their dad I would suspect they feel the same ,3 years is nothing in the scheme of a lifetime
.I think 3 years is quite quick to think of another life partner and I'm an old bird .Talk to them ,find out what they're thinking and you might be surprised.Maybe they dont want to see you get hurt if it doesn't work out?

Your sons need to grow up and stop being very selfish! You need to tell them that you love them and always will and that you loved their Dad BUT you will live your life as you see fit, and not according to them; say you really don't want this to come between you. ! Then just get on and enjoy the relationship. After saying the above I would tell them that you are inviting them to a meal to meet your partner and that you hope they will feel able to come!! Then leave it up to them

IF and it's a big IF it is about inheritance tell your sons it is yours until you die and not theirs until then .
I suspect it's more to do with guilt about moving on from their father or protecting you from possible upset and they need to realise that it's your life and your choice. Would they prefer you to be alone and unhappy , I don't think so . Give them time but don't go hiding your new man away from them ,include him in things gradually

When I started,reading I thought you were talking about teenagers not grown men. Presumably your sons have their own lives to be getting on with. I wouldn't bother discussing your new man with them at the moment. Enjoy yourself and don't waste time feeling guilty.

I’m with craftergran. We’re all independent adults. I don’t interfere in their lives and they’d get short shrift if they tried to interfere in mine! If they didn’t like each other I’d keep them apart.

As for the inheritance, this is my money. I can do what I like with it. They all know my aim is to spend it enjoying myself!

Just do what makes you happy. That’s what it’s all about at our age ?

I take it your sons already know this man as he is an old friend so why do they disapprove of him ? There may be a valid reason for this which you need to check.
If there is no valid reason then enjoy your time with your new man and have fun, I experienced some of this when I remarried but several years down the line I am very happy. Relationship between one daughter and my husband is not brilliant but she chooses her life and I have mine. Good luck and be happy.

Good lord, all these adult children worried about inheritance! My children are all independent and don't expect anything when I die. The poster hasn’t said that is the case anyway, so my advice would be to talk to the sons and ask them why they are so negative about this new man. Is it because they are still grieving for their father, and feel this new relationship is somehow betraying him? Are they concerned their mother might get hurt? Are they worried they might see less of her? In my experience these are far more likely reasons than fearing they might not get their inheritance. My children had all these concerns when I started a new relationship, but now they are happy for me, they see how much fun I have with him, and they have welcomed him into the family.

How can they not approve when they have not even met him?

Seems to me it is a worry about future inheritance. Surely they would want their Mum to be happy, and not alone if that is what you want?

I met my partner 6 years ago and now live together, I rent out my property and live in his.

Tell them they get a say in your love life when you get a say in theirs

I hope this will pass soon and your DS reconciled. Do they perhaps not approve of your choice? Are they feeling threatened. Scared of being outnumbered? Are they trying to protect you? Its not as though you are planning more children. Does your new partner have a family?

A friend of mine recently married a very old friend as they both found themselves alone. His AC were happy for them but hers were concerned she was rushing into a new relationship. At our age, she pointed out, you can't afford to wait around.They both seem blissfully happy.

I am sorry you are unhappy about the situation but I believe you should be thinking of yourself now.