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New man

(58 Posts)
Goodynanny Thu 06-Sep-18 00:46:52

My husband died nearly 3 years ago. I have recently met an old friend and we have started a relationship. The trouble is with my grown up sons, (35 and 29). They don’t approve and don’t want to meet him. This makes me feel guilty every time I am with him and spoils our time together. I don’t know what to do. He would love to meet my family, but I’m afraid of my sons being rude.

Envious Thu 06-Sep-18 01:54:52

So sad you feel guilty your not doing anything wrong. You deserve friends. They have their lives and you yours. Maybe it will take time for them to realize it. In the meantime enjoy your relationship.

gmelon Thu 06-Sep-18 05:40:55

Your sons surely have their own lives and don't rely on you for a social life.
They should not be so harsh because you have a life too.
Therefore they should appreciate that you need to develop your own friends and even a new partner or husband.
Maybe keep everyone separate and enjoy your relationship with each rather than try and get them all together.
Your sons are entitled to their opinions but should not want to make you unhappy or guilty.
Keep with this man and enjoy the good fortune of another decent relationship.

Opal Thu 06-Sep-18 05:44:52

Are they worried about losing an inheritance if you end up marrying this man? This happened to my SIL.

NanKate Thu 06-Sep-18 07:03:32

Can you tell your sons that you are lonely and you feel happy again whilst with your new partner ?

Grannyknot Thu 06-Sep-18 07:27:07

Hi goodynanny, this is my take on it: don't let your sons lay a guilt trip on you. Tell them that they should be delighted that you have company. Perhaps also add that they are letting you down by their behaviour. Assure them that you love them all the same! 😊

Best wishes for your new relationship.

Diana54 Thu 06-Sep-18 07:39:19

I've had a new man for several months and although the family know about him there have been no introductions, the difficult period is going to be Christmas. I have no desire to cause any bad feeling so I am going to see who invites him, then once the ice is broken it will be OK.
The real crunch will come if you get married then inheritance becomes an issue, if there is any property involved no reassurance from you will satisfy your sons. Moving in with him will confirm their fears, so be aware there is a big risk of a permanent rift in the family. If you do have a house keep it and rent it out, that at least gives your sons some reassurance

MissAdventure Thu 06-Sep-18 07:39:34

Carry on living your life, as your sons live theirs.
Keep your new man away from them if they aren't adult enough to be civil.

Grammaretto Thu 06-Sep-18 07:43:28

I hope this will pass soon and your DS reconciled. Do they perhaps not approve of your choice? Are they feeling threatened. Scared of being outnumbered? Are they trying to protect you? Its not as though you are planning more children. Does your new partner have a family?

A friend of mine recently married a very old friend as they both found themselves alone. His AC were happy for them but hers were concerned she was rushing into a new relationship. At our age, she pointed out, you can't afford to wait around.They both seem blissfully happy.

I am sorry you are unhappy about the situation but I believe you should be thinking of yourself now.

craftergran Thu 06-Sep-18 07:48:11

Tell them they get a say in your love life when you get a say in theirs

NannyJan53 Thu 06-Sep-18 07:54:13

How can they not approve when they have not even met him?

Seems to me it is a worry about future inheritance. Surely they would want their Mum to be happy, and not alone if that is what you want?

I met my partner 6 years ago and now live together, I rent out my property and live in his.

DoraMarr Thu 06-Sep-18 09:02:07

Good lord, all these adult children worried about inheritance! My children are all independent and don't expect anything when I die. The poster hasn’t said that is the case anyway, so my advice would be to talk to the sons and ask them why they are so negative about this new man. Is it because they are still grieving for their father, and feel this new relationship is somehow betraying him? Are they concerned their mother might get hurt? Are they worried they might see less of her? In my experience these are far more likely reasons than fearing they might not get their inheritance. My children had all these concerns when I started a new relationship, but now they are happy for me, they see how much fun I have with him, and they have welcomed him into the family.

sodapop Thu 06-Sep-18 09:02:53

I take it your sons already know this man as he is an old friend so why do they disapprove of him ? There may be a valid reason for this which you need to check.
If there is no valid reason then enjoy your time with your new man and have fun, I experienced some of this when I remarried but several years down the line I am very happy. Relationship between one daughter and my husband is not brilliant but she chooses her life and I have mine. Good luck and be happy.

Eglantine21 Thu 06-Sep-18 09:23:38

I’m with craftergran. We’re all independent adults. I don’t interfere in their lives and they’d get short shrift if they tried to interfere in mine! If they didn’t like each other I’d keep them apart.

As for the inheritance, this is my money. I can do what I like with it. They all know my aim is to spend it enjoying myself!

Just do what makes you happy. That’s what it’s all about at our age 😀

Deedaa Thu 06-Sep-18 16:48:33

When I started,reading I thought you were talking about teenagers not grown men. Presumably your sons have their own lives to be getting on with. I wouldn't bother discussing your new man with them at the moment. Enjoy yourself and don't waste time feeling guilty.

Nanabilly Thu 06-Sep-18 17:03:45

IF and it's a big IF it is about inheritance tell your sons it is yours until you die and not theirs until then .
I suspect it's more to do with guilt about moving on from their father or protecting you from possible upset and they need to realise that it's your life and your choice. Would they prefer you to be alone and unhappy , I don't think so . Give them time but don't go hiding your new man away from them ,include him in things gradually

Madgran77 Thu 06-Sep-18 19:16:58

Your sons need to grow up and stop being very selfish! You need to tell them that you love them and always will and that you loved their Dad BUT you will live your life as you see fit, and not according to them; say you really don't want this to come between you. ! Then just get on and enjoy the relationship. After saying the above I would tell them that you are inviting them to a meal to meet your partner and that you hope they will feel able to come!! Then leave it up to them

paddyann Thu 06-Sep-18 19:45:34

I would think its more about them thinking you're forgetting their dad than about inheritance.I know I would have found it very hard to accept another man in my mums life or home .The home my dad worked all his life to build for his family.
If that makes me selfish then thats what I am,but it was never about money just loss .If they were very close to their dad I would suspect they feel the same ,3 years is nothing in the scheme of a lifetime
.I think 3 years is quite quick to think of another life partner and I'm an old bird .Talk to them ,find out what they're thinking and you might be surprised.Maybe they dont want to see you get hurt if it doesn't work out?

oldbatty Thu 06-Sep-18 19:50:55

right well bye bye 2 adults and see to yourself. Selfish behaviour from them.

Melanieeastanglia Thu 06-Sep-18 21:54:55

I hope it isn't that your sons are worried about inheritance. After all, you can see a Solicitor if you wish to leave them money after re-marriage etc. I think it is your money anyway.

Is that they were especially close to their father?

I don't think you should feel guilty. You have your life to live and they have their lives. Carry on seeing this new man.

I wish you the very best of luck. You only have one life.

Jaycee5 Fri 07-Sep-18 08:28:27

I think sometimes people have to compartmentalise their lives. I didn't have any great wish to meet my father's new wife (although it was different as my mother wasn't dead and had been badly treated).
People sometimes just don't want to do something. It may not be anything to do with this man but the position that was taken by their father. I think their view should be respected and they should not be pressured into meeting him. You also should not feel that you cannot have this new relationship.
I would continue with your new relationship and continue with your sons' relationship with you as it was before. If your new relationship continues and develops they will probably come round in their own time. If it doesn't, then nothing has been lost.

NotSpaghetti Fri 07-Sep-18 09:17:44

How long have you been seeing this man? If not for long, I quite understand why. They would probably rather wait.
If, conversely, if you have been seeing him for ages.... I ALSO understand why - 3 years after your husband died is not very long to 29/35 year olds.

Also, Jaycee5 is right to say that some people wouldn't want to meet him anyway out of feelings for their father.
So maybe don't ask again for a while, or if you must, ask them gently, if there is something specific that worries them.
Good luck

Applegran Fri 07-Sep-18 09:46:15

As others have said, it is not for your sons to decide if it is OK for you to have a new relationship. And , again as others have suggested, they may be worried about inheritance , so maybe it might help to hear about a common solution to this issue. Of course you may already have thought of this and I realise you are not at the moment talking about marriage - but here it is : you both agree that you will leave your money to your children in the same way as you would have done, even though you have re-married (You both need to make a new will on marriage,so any small changes can be made at that time) You may need to specify things like the right of the surviving spouse to remain in the marital home. But it can all be taken care of. You quietly tell your children about all this, at the appropriate time. But the main thing is to celebrate your new relationship ! There is no reason for guilt - just celebration!

Merry16 Fri 07-Sep-18 10:05:43

I would carry on seeing him and not make a big issue out of it. Let a meeting happen naturally with your sons, don’t force it. Enjoy your time with this man without guilt. It’s your life to live. Live with him if the relationship goes that far, don’t marry him. Just update your wills with a professional if this happens.

JacquiG Fri 07-Sep-18 10:41:24

Of course they don't like him. Who wants another alpha male around. Take no notice. Tell them to be pleasant and civilised, you want to enjoy the rest of your life and they are not to tell you how to lead it.

I'm getting fed up of children telling their perfectly compos mentis parents what to do and how to do it. Perhaps reassure them they will get the house and any money when you pass. Not that that is what they are thinking of course...