Not dealing with this well at all

Why can't 'willing' relatives just say they can't have the children if they are being asked on a too frequent basis ?Might curtail the socialising and selfish behaviour of the parents.

Peace at Last. As parents it is only natural to feel as you do when we see our children's. marriage break up.
I certainly do not believe, as one GN, insensitively in my view, states ' out having a good time' what ever DD is doing is her way of coping whether we approve !or not.
You need to concentrate on your GC so support DD let her know you are there for her, unsolicited advice is the last thing she needs ,and no way should you involve SS Don't meet trouble half way so if you want to help, get professional advice for yourself on how to get through this and allow your DD to handle it her way.

agnurse when you jump straight to your "you don't criticise another's parenting" chestnut you seem to completely discount normal relationships between adult children and their parents, helping, advising and being constructively honest when issues arise on either side!!! Nothing in the OP suggests that this grandparent wants to go over the top, take over or anything negative, she just loves them all and is making wise observations! Your suggestion of Social Services is frankly rather silly , and makes you look somewhat naive which is a pity

Other posts are right- if your daughter wants a night out then offer to stay over at hers with the GC- so theyre in their own beds- or suggest their dad has them one night if its safe to do so(re:the drinking)or how about her new man coming to hers for dinner sometime so they can stay in?or how about them ALL going bowling/cinema etc together?theres lots of ways she can still enjoy herself without stressing out you& the kids.But yes you can help her handle the new situation without taking over.and without SS being involved.(what was agnurse thinking?)theyve enough to do without them being handed every little problem any parents ever had!Grandmums often are first person a child turns to to sort out something.My GD recently mentioned she no longer wanted to go to the the dance classes her parents were paying out for when she wasnt happy doing it- i mentioned it gently to them and its been resolved.

I totally understand.
When my DS & DIL separated the 3 children did get farmed out to various relatives a bit. However down the line it has all worked out. The children come to us most often now-dil's parents stopped having them very quickly. We live 30 miles away but are very happy to have them anytime. It has worked well & everyone gets on fine & we have the benefit of seeing our DGC. They still enjoy coming here-well GM is actually a pretty good cook!
It will settle down in time but if you are able to stay over at your daughter's house so they can be on their own home then do it.
As long as everyone puts the children first it will all be OK in the long run.

Can one parent each take turns so that your daughter can go out and socialise when the kids are with the their dad and he go out when theyre with her?maybe sharing half a week each? Have the older kids said what they want to either parent?Also maybe it was easier to get out&about in summer but now kids are back at school and nights are drawing in a bit will all this perhaps settle down as kids will need to be 'homebased' wont they,monday to friday at least?you really are going to have to 'grab the mettle' and speak up for your grandchildren if they cant do it themselves wether your daughters upset or not! Im sure normally she is a good mum but this is a new situation- shes had her summer fun now the kids are back to school its time settle down&be a grown up im afraid.other 'good mums ' settle down &get back into the school routine after a hectic summer why not she? Maybe it was ok for the 'willing relatives' in the holidays but they too may be getting their lives in more of a routine now,so cant you have a word with them and get them to gently say no to her sometimes now for sake of the kids?if its not as easy for her to dump them on others then she may have to re- assess her priorities.explain to her how its affecting your health too- surely she cant go on just doing what she wants in face of all this?I sympathise with her too- if their dads gone to,as she sees it,to live life child free&single on his own, it must be tempting for her to do same- but she also has to face her responsibilities of the children and now its time to fulfill that?You are HER parent still- so its up to you to(gently)tell her all this.

My parents do sometimes have the kids back to theirs - but I know the boys prefer it when my parents come here.

My husband and I have had to go away two days at least every other week for the last year (our eldest is in hospital an 8 hour drive away). My mum & Dad look after my other kids - both in their teens - but they usually move into our house to do it because it is less disruptive for the kids. Last year the younger two had to move in with them for a couple of weeks (emergency with our eldest) and even at their age they found that very disruptive. The youngest (then age 12) was terribly anxious and really struggled.

So if you could move in with your grandchildren it would probably help them. I have to say I couldn’t see my mother doing it because I wanted to go out socialising though (& I can’t imagine asking her!). I feel for you - I would feel very resentful but would probably have to do it for the grandchildren.

SS would not be remotely interested it’s nowhere near their threshold. I hope your daughter realises soon though.

Social services won't do anything! The children are not at risk. Having been through the divorce from hell after leaving the ex 18 years ago I totally identify with the daughter wanting some freedom. The chances are she will settle down in a while.

As for the children yes they come first however she is leaving them with trusted people. I did this myself when I went through leaving the ex. I soon settled down as I am sure your daughter will.

I can understand both sides of the equation here. Please don't go on at her as this will alienate her. She will isolate from you.

The children are also upset by the divorce which has been primarily bought on by the Son iL drinking it seems. Perhaps you can suggest a support network for her called Al-Anon which supports families of a problem drinker. Simply Google Al-anon for The U.K. You can also attend yourself as whilst they are not together anymore you have all been affected by Son in-Law drinking. It will give you all emotional support.

Asking your daughter how things are for her rather than talks all the time I think will help more than saying xyz about her parenting.

I suggest a text now to her to say "you love her dearly and you didn't realise how it was for her. You will aim to be more open to how she is in future as well as looking out for her and the children" I think including her in your concerns of how she is doing will be helpful too as she won't feel excluded and judged.

I don't think this is about right or wrong. I think it's about coming at it at another angle so she feels included in the love care and support.

Your daughter going out once a week is ok I think however a sitter in the home would be better so if you and relatives could sit at her home it would be better.

If your daughter knows she has one night a week to let her hair down it gives her something to look forward too to help her recover her. A happy mom means happy children. It's about helping her have some time out from 24/7 pressures for me in a stable loving way

Good luck

Agnurse.... you think it’s wrong to criticise others parenting, yet ok to criticise grand parenting ?? I think SS are already swamped with serious child abuse and neglect, without getting involved with a Mum who goes out too much even tho she clearly has a good back up service with babysitters. She is not leaving the kids home alone ! I would have an open chat with the GC, get them to voice their angst not stew about it and just explain as much as you can about the situation. Your DD has clearly been a good Mum and will hopefully listen to her own kids. In a divorce their should be a minimum disruption to the children, they have enough to cope with, so ideally they should stay in their own home. So if your DD then has to go out, hopefully that will focus her more on the disruption she is causing.

im guessing after years of coping with her husbands drinking etc she now has freedom and is making the most of it so to speak. its not an ideal situation re the children i agree could you compromise and offer to stop at the house so the children could be in their own home and she could still go out? it would help the children even if it meant sleeping on a sofa or floor id do it for my grandchildren and have done.

Previous posters do have a point when they say what OP's DD decides to do parenting wise is DD's responsibility. We've seen many threads on here where grandparents have been completely cut off so OP has it right when she says she just wants to support her DD parenting style even if its different from what we think might be right.

We're all different.

The only thing you have control over is to address the stress you are dealing with because being less stressed will help you handle the situation you are in.

There's a great book called 'From Stress to Stillness' by Gina Lake thats easy to read - with very effective simple ways for us to learn how to let stress go.

Dear friend
Just get your Grankiddies to keep talking to you about how they feel about this situation
They will feel they are being heard & that is really important for their ongoing emotional coping skills
You are doing a great job Do keep the lines of communication open between you & your Grandkids It’s really helpful for them

The OP is right about her daughter’s selfish conduct and her point that the children are being unsettled by sleeping at so many different houses. Nevertheless, it would be a good and steadying thing for them if they could stay at her house. A grandmother is family and she can offer calm, order and security.

Ian64, thank you for your kind words. Also, I’m in complete agreement re the SS suggestion. Anyone who would approach them re this would be laughed out of the office, quite rightly, there being so many children with horrendous problems that would make my grandchildren seem very cosseted indeed. Yes, it’s a worry for me but they are loved and safe and I just have to be a little less emotional for everyone’s sakes.

peaceatlast, your circumstances will be familiar to many of us. Young parents generally have much more active social lives than our generation did and I suppose, we had more than our own parents. It's good to read you managed to talk with your daughter and wise of you to try and step back a little. a bit of emotional distance is difficult with those we love but sometimes, the best way.
agnurse - you're off the scale! What on earth do you think Children's Services would do if peaceatlast phoned in to say her grandchildren were spending occasional nights with loving relatives as their parents had recently separated. Even in the time when there were almost enough resources to go round, they'd have kept well out of something like this. If we're so concerned about our grandchildren, we believe it's right to raise our worries with their parents, that's what we do. We don't go rushing off to involve agencies, agencies that have much responsibilities for statutory issues, not a situation where loving parents are struggling following relationship break down but have lots of good support around them.

Paddyann, that must be such a worry for you. Chronic pain must be so hard for her, poor thing.

Paddyann, sorry to hear that. I can't think of much worse than not being able to take away your child's pain.

So sorry about your daughter......can't be nice being in chronic pain. Hope she has a good Doctor and a good Pain Clinic...yes for various reasons, I echo your sentiments...it was so much easier when they were small. for your daughter

I think I worry more now my daughter is almost 40,she has multiple health issues that affect her mobility and give her chronic pain.She has 3 children and a husband who works away 12 out of every 14 days .Life was much simpler when she was small

etheltbags1, I don’t think we ever stop worrying about our children, even when they grow up. I do hope things work out for the best for your daughter.

Thank you, Chewbacca. I’m sure you’re right.

My dd isnunhappy with her partner and has started going out with the girls, she says she's fed up with being a slave and doing all the housework herself. I fear she will meet s new man and then what will happen goodness knows. They only have one child thank goodness

You sound a kind and loving mum and grandmother peace and you sound as though you're making some kind of headway with the situation. As long as you and your DD can communicate, there will be a resolution. It may take a few months but you've already made progress.

Thanks again for your constructive replies (mostly). Much as I am concerned/upset about the situation, the suggestion of SS involvement is almost laughable when you think how much love there is around them. Reading responses has actually prompted me to have a word with my daughter, as calmly as I could, but we are both emotional at the moment and it didn’t go particularly well. However, it did give me more of an insight as to how she is setting about managing the stressful situation albeit in a very different way to how I would. But they are her children so I’m now going to try and take a step back, be supportive when I can but, for her and my sake, stop getting so stressed. The children are in no danger whatsoever, physically well looked after, loved by everyone in the family. I guess there is just no way to fully protect them from the separation situation and we shall just have to see how it goes.
Stepping back won’t be easy but, here goes.....