Not dealing with this well at all

I don’t have any advice, peaceatlast. It’s a horrible situation.

Even in couples that haven’t split the adults’ social life seems to take precedence nowadays.

There’s little you can do except be there for the children as much as possible.

Just wanted you to know I’d read your post

Depends how long this has been going on. Your daughter is probably having a good time after feeling 'trapped' for the years she was with her husband. If the kids are being looked after by ' very willing relatives' then they aren't suffering or being neglected. So please don't lose sleep.
However, if it goes on, then a more forthright word with your daughter, and ex son in law, is needed.
Offer to go out with your daughter and the boys to show her that 'fun' can mean including them/you.
Good luck

What a predicament , you know what you want to tell her but you will step into a minefield if you criticise her or the situation . All you can do is wait till things settle down , she has been through the mill as well , but she needs to see the childrens part in this

I do wish people would put their kids first.Divorce is bad enough for wee ones without parents virtually abandoning them in favour of "fun" or new men . Children need routines ,they need their own spaces and their own beds and most of all they need a parent ...even one at a time who puts them at the top of the list.

I think you need to sit both mum and dad down and tell them their social life is having a bad effect on their children who I'm sure they love.Its something that could affect them their whole lives if it goes on too long. Its a form of rejection and they will be confused and hurt and wonder why their parents dont want them around .
The ADULTS in the situation have to step up and behave like adults not teenagers on holiday away from their parents.We wonder why so many young people have problems ,the behaviour of their parents is often the root cause .In MY opinion.
I'm sure the "she/he deserves to be happy " brigade will follow .The children should be put first !

I am so sorry you are going through this. When a situation like this is completely out of your control it is very hard to sit back and watch it happen but sometimes that is what you have to do. I am sure you are always there for your grandchildren and at the moment I imagine they need a constant in their lives while so many things are changing for them.

I can well understand the stress this is putting you through and the sleepless nights of worry are horrible. Does your daughter (or anyone else in your family) realise how worried you are? I don’t think adult children always realise that we still worry about them even when they have families of their own. The worries just multiply with the arrival of grandchildren don’t they.

What a horrible situation for you! Right now, I don't think there is more you can do. You have tried to talk to your daughter and that ended with you both in tears and your retracting some of what you have said.

Is talking to the boys' father an option, or will your daughter feel you are going behind her back?

Have you tried discussing the children's state of mind with the other relatives who are sharing the looking after of them?

Would your sensible views on child-care be better heard if you all sat the children's parents down and talked things through with them?

If none of this is feasible, can you afford to go away for a short holiday to get a proper rest and perhaps get your mind off things a little?

I sincerely hope things get better soon.

I don't think OP should talk to the boys' father. She will be perceived as causing trouble. Her daughter was trapped in the marriage and now she is finding her wings so to speak. Leaving the children with various relatives must be so unsettling for the children. My daughter is in a similar situation but she only leaves them with either her ex husband's parents or with me.
I can imagine how worried you are. Children are very adaptable, you'll be surprised.
No, you mustn't move away. For various other reasons, I have often felt like relocating. But we have to think of the grandchildren. We have to be there for them....we are their rocks, so to speak

Could the willing relatives and yourself offer to look after the children in their own home, that would be more stable for them.

If you live near her, why not offer to look after the children yourself ? That's what I did when my son ended up with his children . Neither he nor his ex was capable of caring for them at the time so I said I'd have them until he worked things out. Fast forward 3 years, he and his children now live happily together and he is devoted to them. Sometimes you have to step in and give the children some stability.

Thank you for all your welcome, non judgemental, advice. I think I have done most of the things suggested except talking to dad, lovely but head in the sand, and going for a holiday. We are going away for a week, the week after next. I will seriously think of staying over at their house (my daughter’s) when needed as, although it will facilitate her going out, at least the children will be in their original home.
Just had a long walk with my husband, to clear my head and have a chat. It helps in the short term anyway. Family members do know how I feel but they themselves are still getting over the shock as they didnt see it coming. A golden couple to all intents and purposes.

peaceatlast understand totally - been there too. One of my D's divorced - not her fault as H was a control freak and bully. We encouraged her to leave but not before she had 3 children!

Eventually she left, we helped her sort her life out, helped her emotionally and financially and any way we could but then came the time where I couldn't cope any longer (I think I found this site then) It was like I was the parent and daughter was the doting grandma.! Two of the kids were being a nightmare because there lives were so disorganised (mum and dad still fighting at this stage)

I eventually (actually with good advice from GN) put my foot down and said enough's enough. I told my daughter that I was not prepared to co-parent her children and that she needed to step up and had had long enough licking her wounds and retreating into her shell. She wasn't happy and thought this was an attack on her but I remained firm.

Fast forward a couple of years and how things have altered. She is now a responsible mum. 2 kids now at school and one at nursery while she works. We help out in school holidays. She also has a boyfriend but they mainly do things as a family and on the odd occasions she asks me to babysit in the evening, I am more than happy to do so.

So take charge peaceatlast. Tell your D exactly WHAT you will and won't do. Be prepared for a few sulks but at the end of the day - why should you suffer so much? Good luck

Bluegal, I’m so grateful for you advice. You give me hope. You and all the other lovely people on here too. This too shall pass I suppose but it’s not easy to live through without support.

Thank you, everyone.

Ooops sorry just re-read.........the problem seems to be more the children are pushed from pillar to post? I think you do need to spell it out to her re the children's welfare. If she doesn't listen then I doubt there is much you can do t.b.h. Up to her and the father. I would hate to watch it too. But I would not want to take over either. Tough isn't it?

Paddyann has said everything I want to say.

Very difficult for you to do and say the right thing here. I can understand why your DD wants to build a new life for herself with friends and new man; but first and foremost she is a mother and her responsibilities in that direction trump any others. We have all had to accept that fact in our lives as parents: the well-being of the children must come first.

Sometimes the well-being of the children is enhanced by parents having a social life to replenish their batteries. But the balance has to be right; and,if the parent is also working and child care is needed for those times,then the rest of the time needs to be mainly devoted to the children.

But I do not think you can say this to her/them without risking a rift - you will need to tread carefully, and that is clearly very stressful, as I can hear that you want to be a part of the support network that gets this family through a difficult time.

I wish you every good luck with this - and would only say that your needs matter too!

As you say things are fairly recent I presume the children have been on holiday from school and thus it has been easy to pass them around the relatives, now they are back hopefully your DD is going to have to be around to get them off in the morning and pick them up etc. if that is not happening maybe you can approach her from the angle of stability during the school term. Presumably she is in the throws of a new romance as well just to add to the problems. I am so sorry you are losing sleep its horrible when family things that you can't really control happen and I am afraid they seem to happen all the time, a Gran's lot. Yes good luck and enjoy your break when it comes.

I am with Paddyann all the way. When parents separate, whatever the reasons, the welfare of the children should always come first.

Yes OP's DD wants to spread her wings, but her children come first and if furling her wings and concentrating on them is what is required, then it is her respobsibility to act that way.

The OP says the children are already showing signs of stress. Someone said children are adaptable, well, on the surface they may be, but what is happening underneath? I know adults who were emotionally damaged by childhood that everyone thought they dealt with so well.

Someone needs to speak to this mother seriously and tell her how her children are being affected by her behaviour. Parting can wait. Children can't.

Sorry for mispellings, I have problems with numbness in some of my fingers.

I hope you've had it checked out Monica ....

The most you can do is be there for the little ones.

Your daughter is a grown adult. You don't have the right to criticize her parenting. That's on her

If you truly feel the children are being neglected and are suffering, you need to contact Social Services.

If you tell your daughter you think she needs to step up and put her children first, she would be well within her rights to end her relationship with you and the children's relationship with you as well.

You don't criticize someone else's parenting. If there's a concern you go to the proper authorities and let an objective third party handle it.

Horrified with your response agnurse. I would think that would be the ABSOLUTE last and I mean last resort. I would much rather do some plain speaking to my daughter even at the risk of her getting stroppy - so long as it gave her something to think about! How would running to social services in this case help?

agnurse your reply is very strange to say the least!
Firstly she may not be neglecting them in the official sense of the word. That doesn't mean she is treating them as she should bearing in mind the fact their parents have just separated. Especially during school holidays when they look forward to fun times with parents. Also if I thought one of my children were neglecting my grandchildren I would think it best to speak to them rather than go straight to social services. Thats my opinion anyway.

Shocked at agnurse's suggestion. Are you kidding agnurse? Do you realise what will happen once social services get involved ?
The OP should have a stern chat with her daughter, even if it means having a big old 'spat' with her. This situation does not call for input from social services.....no way. Those children are loved.....their mother is just lapping up all the male attention she's getting....she's enjoying the company of her friends. There's nothing wrong with that. Ofcourse she should put her children first.....those children have got a lot of love around them. Keep well away from social services..

Agnurse, the children are unsettled, but hardly right to contact Social Services behind your your daughters back OK but being upfront and discussing the situation with the daughter taboo. If you contact the authorities than could mean the children taken into care, how bad found that be? I would personally have the children with me, I couldn't bear them going to all different people, they come first.