Not dealing with this well at all

I agree with luckylegs & crazyH. This is a time to talk to the parents and get them to see what is happening with the children, no need at all for social services to be involved.
The children need stability and you can help with that peaceatlast. Hopefully this is just a reaction to the break up and things will settle down. Good luck.

amen to that Chewy
there is no reason on earth from the Op's post to suggest SS stepping in!!

Why am I not at all surprised by agnurse's post? No matter what the problem is agnurse is of the firm belief that no one has the right to question anybody's parenting skills, no matter how the children are being affected by their parental behaviour. But there are times when a parent needs to be calmly reminded of their responsibilities to their children. The children cannot, in most situations, speak for themselves and it can often be a loving grandparent who can broker a resolution to a family problem.
As for "involving the proper authorities"...... perhaps best to just ignore that advice peace; it will cause more problems than already exist.

I think you should speak your mind to your DD in a gentle way, remind her that the boys need their Mother in this upsetting time for them, in my view she is being very selfish.
Although you are there to see the boys and help, ultimately they are her children and she needs to step up to the plate.

I disagree agnurse bringing social services into it will make the relationship between mother and daughter non existent.What mother would bring SS into something that could be fixed with a bit of straight talking.Maybe write it down and send it to her that way you avoid confrontation BUT ,she and her ex need to take care of their kids

The daughter is an adult. If the children are having their basic needs looked after it is none of OP's business. These are not her children.

The daughter is not a child. OP can't sit her down as if she's 5 and scold her. If OP has concerns then she needs to contact Social Services. That's how adults handle these situations.

Agree with Paddyanne
It is the children's welfare and stability that is paramount.
Children need at least one parent providing this with some family back up.
Of course Grandparents can help with love and sleepovers etc but the bottom line at least one parent needs to Parent!

Good luck. peaceatlast wishing you
'Peace at last'

Agnurse, the children are unsettled, but hardly right to contact Social Services behind your your daughters back OK but being upfront and discussing the situation with the daughter taboo. If you contact the authorities than could mean the children taken into care, how bad found that be? I would personally have the children with me, I couldn't bear them going to all different people, they come first.

Shocked at agnurse's suggestion. Are you kidding agnurse? Do you realise what will happen once social services get involved ?
The OP should have a stern chat with her daughter, even if it means having a big old 'spat' with her. This situation does not call for input from social services.....no way. Those children are loved.....their mother is just lapping up all the male attention she's getting....she's enjoying the company of her friends. There's nothing wrong with that. Ofcourse she should put her children first.....those children have got a lot of love around them. Keep well away from social services..

agnurse your reply is very strange to say the least!
Firstly she may not be neglecting them in the official sense of the word. That doesn't mean she is treating them as she should bearing in mind the fact their parents have just separated. Especially during school holidays when they look forward to fun times with parents. Also if I thought one of my children were neglecting my grandchildren I would think it best to speak to them rather than go straight to social services. Thats my opinion anyway.

Horrified with your response agnurse. I would think that would be the ABSOLUTE last and I mean last resort. I would much rather do some plain speaking to my daughter even at the risk of her getting stroppy - so long as it gave her something to think about! How would running to social services in this case help?

The most you can do is be there for the little ones.

Your daughter is a grown adult. You don't have the right to criticize her parenting. That's on her

If you truly feel the children are being neglected and are suffering, you need to contact Social Services.

If you tell your daughter you think she needs to step up and put her children first, she would be well within her rights to end her relationship with you and the children's relationship with you as well.

You don't criticize someone else's parenting. If there's a concern you go to the proper authorities and let an objective third party handle it.

I hope you've had it checked out Monica ....

Sorry for mispellings, I have problems with numbness in some of my fingers.

I am with Paddyann all the way. When parents separate, whatever the reasons, the welfare of the children should always come first.

Yes OP's DD wants to spread her wings, but her children come first and if furling her wings and concentrating on them is what is required, then it is her respobsibility to act that way.

The OP says the children are already showing signs of stress. Someone said children are adaptable, well, on the surface they may be, but what is happening underneath? I know adults who were emotionally damaged by childhood that everyone thought they dealt with so well.

Someone needs to speak to this mother seriously and tell her how her children are being affected by her behaviour. Parting can wait. Children can't.

As you say things are fairly recent I presume the children have been on holiday from school and thus it has been easy to pass them around the relatives, now they are back hopefully your DD is going to have to be around to get them off in the morning and pick them up etc. if that is not happening maybe you can approach her from the angle of stability during the school term. Presumably she is in the throws of a new romance as well just to add to the problems. I am so sorry you are losing sleep its horrible when family things that you can't really control happen and I am afraid they seem to happen all the time, a Gran's lot. Yes good luck and enjoy your break when it comes.

Very difficult for you to do and say the right thing here. I can understand why your DD wants to build a new life for herself with friends and new man; but first and foremost she is a mother and her responsibilities in that direction trump any others. We have all had to accept that fact in our lives as parents: the well-being of the children must come first.

Sometimes the well-being of the children is enhanced by parents having a social life to replenish their batteries. But the balance has to be right; and,if the parent is also working and child care is needed for those times,then the rest of the time needs to be mainly devoted to the children.

But I do not think you can say this to her/them without risking a rift - you will need to tread carefully, and that is clearly very stressful, as I can hear that you want to be a part of the support network that gets this family through a difficult time.

I wish you every good luck with this - and would only say that your needs matter too!

Paddyann has said everything I want to say.

Ooops sorry just re-read.........the problem seems to be more the children are pushed from pillar to post? I think you do need to spell it out to her re the children's welfare. If she doesn't listen then I doubt there is much you can do t.b.h. Up to her and the father. I would hate to watch it too. But I would not want to take over either. Tough isn't it?

Bluegal, I’m so grateful for you advice. You give me hope. You and all the other lovely people on here too. This too shall pass I suppose but it’s not easy to live through without support.

Thank you, everyone.

peaceatlast understand totally - been there too. One of my D's divorced - not her fault as H was a control freak and bully. We encouraged her to leave but not before she had 3 children!

Eventually she left, we helped her sort her life out, helped her emotionally and financially and any way we could but then came the time where I couldn't cope any longer (I think I found this site then) It was like I was the parent and daughter was the doting grandma.! Two of the kids were being a nightmare because there lives were so disorganised (mum and dad still fighting at this stage)

I eventually (actually with good advice from GN) put my foot down and said enough's enough. I told my daughter that I was not prepared to co-parent her children and that she needed to step up and had had long enough licking her wounds and retreating into her shell. She wasn't happy and thought this was an attack on her but I remained firm.

Fast forward a couple of years and how things have altered. She is now a responsible mum. 2 kids now at school and one at nursery while she works. We help out in school holidays. She also has a boyfriend but they mainly do things as a family and on the odd occasions she asks me to babysit in the evening, I am more than happy to do so.

So take charge peaceatlast. Tell your D exactly WHAT you will and won't do. Be prepared for a few sulks but at the end of the day - why should you suffer so much? Good luck

Thank you for all your welcome, non judgemental, advice. I think I have done most of the things suggested except talking to dad, lovely but head in the sand, and going for a holiday. We are going away for a week, the week after next. I will seriously think of staying over at their house (my daughter’s) when needed as, although it will facilitate her going out, at least the children will be in their original home.
Just had a long walk with my husband, to clear my head and have a chat. It helps in the short term anyway. Family members do know how I feel but they themselves are still getting over the shock as they didnt see it coming. A golden couple to all intents and purposes.

If you live near her, why not offer to look after the children yourself ? That's what I did when my son ended up with his children . Neither he nor his ex was capable of caring for them at the time so I said I'd have them until he worked things out. Fast forward 3 years, he and his children now live happily together and he is devoted to them. Sometimes you have to step in and give the children some stability.

Could the willing relatives and yourself offer to look after the children in their own home, that would be more stable for them.

I don't think OP should talk to the boys' father. She will be perceived as causing trouble. Her daughter was trapped in the marriage and now she is finding her wings so to speak. Leaving the children with various relatives must be so unsettling for the children. My daughter is in a similar situation but she only leaves them with either her ex husband's parents or with me.
I can imagine how worried you are. Children are very adaptable, you'll be surprised.
No, you mustn't move away. For various other reasons, I have often felt like relocating. But we have to think of the grandchildren. We have to be there for them....we are their rocks, so to speak