Mothers

Same here: it's one hell of a story Hollywood could make a film out of and a few sequels. They aren't getting it though. I was bought up around secrets, lies and violence in a professional middle class family. Nothing wrong here! We are a good Christian, professional family and the same applies to our extended family and friends. My childhood was strange and disturbing. Like alot of you I got the hell out of home as early as I could. I was 17 when I escaped.

Spent years searching within for who I was and recreated my childhood in adulthood with a man with a similar background to me. With him it was his late Mom who was the problem.

I finally took the youngsters and fled after 16 years. Went through the fires of hell with the aftermath. I finally met my 2nd husband, soul mate and best friend and got into intense specialised therapy. The last 16 years of my life have been the best. I use my skills today to help others.

Unfortunately my husband passed away unexpectedly in March this year so I am still early days with all this. I am grateful for all the years with him and having a normal loving happy relationship and home for us all.

My parents I have come to realise didn't do any of it on purpose. They knew no different. It was what it was and it is what it is. I aim to count my blessings daily.

I have since read many articles on our generation where we are called the intermediate generation who were born in the 50's/60's and 70's into a world of massive change happening.

Our parents generation were bought up in one way and as the world was changing the process wasn't changing with them. Hence I have read we are the most ''fcuked up'' generation going. It makes sense. Unfortunately that has got to some degree handed down.

I am fortunate that I got to break the mould and mine are all emotional well and happy in their lives, with careers, happy relationships and children etc.

The sins of the forefathers indeed does get handed down the generations

Yes. Me too. Married one term into a teachers training course to the first chap who was nice to me a) because that was something I had never hoped to experience and b) because it meant I need never go home again. But I agree with Telly and others that my mother's generation was a product of their time. And it was a difficult time. My mother had a deprived childhood, she had no opportunity for education beyond 13, lived with the aftermath of WW1 and through WW2, no control over her reproduction. Financial independence was unthinkable. Little wonder so many felt thoroughly thwarted. I don't regret the path I took even though the marriage was short lived. My unhappy childhood gave me strength and independence and fuelled my creativity. And I have to hand it to my mother that her grandchildren (9 in all and 3 mine) all remember her with great fondness which is a real measure of the woman, her toughness and adaptability.

Oh, ha bloody ha, Lucky! Sorry, but that is really unfeeling and cruel.

its not about grudges or being unforgivingsandelf as I said before I loved my mother but the effect of her( probably unthinking ) remarks left a lifelong legacy .I've always been weight obsessed because she was and she told me ...and my sisters we were fat if we put on a couple of pounds.Even when I was a size 8 !

It leaves a mark that hard to erase .I have no regrets about how I treated her ,I looked after her cared for her when she was doubly incontinent provided all her meals ,even when she was hospitalised and was with her when she died .I fondly remember her singing as she worked around the house all my life and her marriage was one I always aspired to.They were the happiest couple you could ever hope to meet .I have been very lucky that I too have a fantastic OH and a family I am immensly proud of ,the difference is I tell them and I treat them all the same .

When I was old enough to understand my mother told me about having used the gin and hot bath trick when she found she was pregnant with me! I really do not think she said it in any spiteful way at all - she thought I might appreciate the joke. I am not sure I did!

I loved my Mum. She died when I was a young teenager and as an only child was brought up by my my father which wasn’t always easy. Still miss her now although I’m an old lady with 4 young grandchildren, who I love to bits and I think they feel that too. She had a very strict upbringing and I’ve always wanted to be the grandma her mum wasn’t to me.

The 'trouble' is we are human - most of us are doing our best, most of the time. Let's forgive ourselves and our parents. We are kintsugi.
www.lifegate.com/people/lifestyle/kintsugi

Please don't feel sorry for me. I could have wished for a happier childhood but it was a long time ago and, as I said above, I have had an exceptionally happy life since then and believe that I have broken the cycle too.

These posts make me so sad. I had a wonderful mum who sadly died when she was only 58. She got to see my daughter who was only 10 months old when she died. I think I am a good mum but would loved to have her wisdom for longer. Still miss her everyday.

I didn't have a happy time at home when I was a child. Too much to go into but I wanted to say especially here- my grandparents were absolutely wonderful and visits to them were the the highlights of my life. I learned so much from them (on both sides) and really try hard to emulate them and their interest and care when with my own GSs.
Thank God for grandparents!!

I was always on good terms with mum and in turn I think all my daughters were happy with me, although they all left home soon after their 18th.
The youngest sent me a fridge magnet " mothers hold our hands for a while but our hearts for ever", 20 yrs on it is still there.
They all wanted to run their own lives and who can argue with that.

I understand - my relationship with my Mum was difficult - not helped by the fact she was convinced I was not actually her child in the first place. I had been in hospital as a toddler and was expected to die but - in her own words - when they visited the next morning 'you were up and like a completely different child'. She believed I had been swopped with another baby that had been found abandoned and was the same age as me. I was watched all the time for evidence this was the case - my olive skin and dark hair were held up as proof, as was a birthmark on my leg (which 'her' baby didn't have) plus a lack of huge tonsils (my siblings had these) all gave her 'proof'. I had both my children before my Dad passed away, my sister had her only child after Dad died. When I was at Mum's later that week she commented how sad it was that Dad hadn' t seen 'his' grandson. I mentioned my son and she responded with ' I meant 'his' grandson'. I did love my Mum but she was always distant with me and would shy away from being hugged. After she died it niggled away at me until I decided to do a DNA test with my older half sister who I had confided in about Mum's behaviour with me - she was more than happy to help. The results came back with slightly more than a 50% match, so, at least, I know for sure Dad was my Dad. I do suspect however, that Mum would seize on the doubts about DNA testing if she was still here and would still not acknowledge it.

I think I might have thought sex was disgusting if there had not been safe ways of avoiding pregnancy! - one after the other!

This post resonates with me on many levels. I'm the youngest of 3 with two older brothers.There's a 7 year gap between me and the youngest of the brothers and only 12 months between those two. Strangely, our birthdays are all within a few days of each other at the end of May going down from eldest to youngest!

My Dad was the youngest of a family of 6 brothers and wanted a daughter. I heard the story many times of how she resented having to start again when I was born and I lost count of the times she used to say if she could have her time again she wouldn't have kids. My Dad was a loving man and was good to all of us especially my Mum. He worked hard all his life and basically she made his life a misery with her constant moaning. She'd regularly stop talking to him for weeks at a time over the smallest things. She was domineering and manipulative and thought nothing of turning family members against each other. One son was her darling, she adored him. When she had dementia and was finally in a home, this adored son hardly ever visited, used to connive money out of her at every opportunity and basically deserted her. I, meanwhile, the 'trouble' in her eyes, did everything. Looked out for her, visited most days and made sure she wasn't being ill treated. She was loving in the end, when she had dementia, but I often used to think if she ever realised how conniving the darling son was it would have killed her. Life and families are difficult for some people and some women just aren't cut out to be mothers. My mother was shallow. She loved having a show home and never used to stop cleaning it and we just got in the way. As one poster said, years ago they didn't have a choice and didn't have much say regarding how many children they had. My Dad died at 57. She was just 50 and died at 91. She never had another man, said she'd had the best husband in the world blah blah. Basically she thought sex was disgusting and in all truth no other man would have put up with her.

My partner had an appalling childhood every which way
- both parent/step parent equally responsible. He says he could easily have ended up either dead or a criminal! However, the love, support and intervention he received from his maternal grandparents - who did not live nearby, by the way - showed him another way. He has lived a useful life in public service and is now a much loved grandparent himself. So, yes, as 123kitty has said,the cycle can be broken. And grandparents can make a huge difference. {smiley]

Sadly these were the women of yesterday, society demanded they marry and have children; no one ever asked them if that's what they wanted, so many children paid a high price for their resentments. I too had a hard to live with mum who only had eyes for my brother when he arrived 10 years later. In her later years, she came to realise who it was who really cared for her and we just agreed to disagree as I grew older. I did, however, take from her a solid sense of survival which I passed onto my boys, she in effect taught me a lot and that's what I have taken from the arena. She was who she was and I refuse to let it hold me back. Time and a need to move on is a great healer.

Very interesting thread. My Mother was a nightmare to myself and one brother in every way possible but absolutely adored her youngest child who could do no wrong and is still perfect in every way. However my Grandchildren,my friends and her neighbors all think she is this adorable loving lady and tell me how lucky I am to have such a wonderful Mother! One Grandson commented l am exactly like her which really hurt but l know he only knows her as a loving indulgent Great Grandmother. I don’t think the experiences ever leave you, sadly

I did not want to escape from my parents at all but I did defy them and refused a place at Bristol University to study law, no regrets!!!

I left home the day I did my last A level to get away from parents, went to live w grandmother. Both parents nasty in different ways.

Since then I have noticed that all my female friends, once I got to know them, also had problems with their mothers.

I can't relate to this personally but I am very sorry for all of you who had unloving mothers. The only way past it is, if you have your own children, to do and be the opposite.

My mother used to tell me she had a cold, unloving childhood, and obviously decided to bring me up under the same rules. Last year on a family day out watching my DGs running and playing my DS said he was trying to make sure his children had the happy childhood he had always enjoyed- then he wondered why I burst into tears. The cycle can be broken.

Thankyou for all the stories. You are all so brave and strong - you survived. I was moved to tears by many.

I didn't have the hard time that many describe but I know my mother very much preferred my older sister, her first born, over me. I know she resented that I was more academically inclined than either of my sisters. I loved school!

Like paddyann, I'm the middle one between two prettier sisters. I've mentioned before that my grandfather once took me aside and kindly explained that although I wasn't as pretty as my sisters, I was 'attractive' and that would stand me in good stead! At the time I was a bit downcast. Doesn't every girl want to be pretty? But guess what? He was right! The point is, I've often wondered why he felt he should tell me something like that but now, reading this thread, I realise my mother had probably pointed out the deficit! He loved me and wanted to reassure me. Fortunately for me, I had a fairly normal relationship with my sisters even though they were pretty! ?

Over the years, my mother gave my sisters many spontaneous gifts of household things, clothes and money. She never thought of me except at Christmas, when differences would be noticed, but it didn't worry me much (except the slow cookers she gave each of them! ?). Her taste in clothes was pretty bad anyway! She was very fond of my husband but it was hard for him to express gratitude for some of the awful jumpers she chose for him!

Basically, I think she spent a lot of time trying to equalise the three of us! That was an impossible task. We are all three different people.

I've long since forgiven my mother for not loving me. She was a human being, formed by her own childhood experiences and she never hit or neglected me physically. Weirdly, my sisters both have their own memories of childhood that are quite different from mine!

Remember: What doesn't kill us makes us stronger!

I never had cuddles, never heard the words 'I love you', we didn't want for anything as in clothes, toys, food, we had days out and holidays a clean well cared for home. i was the eldest by 5 years and when I was about 15 my mum said to my sister 'don't grow up like your sister' and there are many many things that tell me my sister was favourite. At 17 I got pregnant and was put in a home, when my mum found out her very first words were 'what will the neighbours say'? i married a man I did not love to get away from home as I was repeatedly told 'No man will want you' (because I had a son) so as soon as this man said he would marry me I jumped at it, then endured some years of beatings and cruelty. In later years mum developed alzheimer's, I moved house twice as she got worse and worse to live nearer to her and my Dad. I cared for them daily for 6 years, even tho in the last year she had to go into a care home but Dad was still at home so I had to go daily to care for him. Since they died (about 20 years ago, both aged 90), my Dad has visited me (in spirit) and has told mediums that 'he shouldn't have put me in a home and that I turned out OK in the end?????

My mother was neglectful to the nth degree and did not protect me from my father. However, I always felt she cared for me and, although I had to leave home at 18 to get a start in life, I cannot condemn her. She had a hard start in life herself and, indeed, all of our parents are the product of their own upbringing in times of very different attitudes to children and child rearing.

I wonder if some of the condemnation on this page is the result of people never stopping to take stock of the situation their parents were in when they were rearing offspring. It is always comforting to nurse a grudge but it isn't always fair. I can't help feeling that at least some of these stories might well be a case of the child being more hard hearted than the parent. Of course, some are not.

I say this because I have seen cases of scapegoating. My own sister blames my mother and myself for things which are solely her own choosing and doing. There comes a point at which one has to grow up and take responsibilty for one's own life.