Mothers

Sad indeed - and I can identify with every word. I too escaped as soon as I could, going to university much too young - I had done all my exams a year early.

My dear sister (much younger than I) was left at home to face the same problems alone for many years after I left. She decided against having children because she was so fearful that her mothering would be equally problematical.

Very sad.

Ditto, ditto ,ditto.
I married as soon as I could without needing her permission, my father had died when I was 11.
She never changed but I supported her from a geographical distance until she died, but did not mourn or have any regrets apart from what she missed and she really did.

How sad for those of who had to get married to escape your mothers. My mother was a disciplinarian....at the time I used to hate her rules....but now I do realise what a great mother she was....I took tips from her but I don't think it has worked with my children. They look negatively on their childhood (that's what I feel). I have a fairly good relationship with all three , but my middle son certainly has middle child syndrome ?

* crazyH*I have middle child syndrome too,was never as pretty or a clever or as talented as my sisters either side of me.It did influence my life as I've always had low self esteem.Only people who have been subjected to negativity will understand .
When I was in my 40's I was mistaken for my sister by a woman she had known in her teens ,I told mum and her reply was " I dont understand that ,she was always the beautiful one"
.Even then when I was caring for her after dads death and juggling a small child a teenager ,2 businesses and a home and husband she still made me feel as if I was somehow second rate .I loved my mum,I did all I could to make her life better right until the day she died .I just wish she could have built some confidence in me instead of destroying what little I had.

My mother was a narcissist - the world revolved around her and her opinions. She spent her entire time undermining everyone in the family, especially my Dad who had given her a wonderful life and never deserved her derision.

For me and my sister it was hell living with her - she loved nothing more than criticizing / ridiculing us. My sister married young, to the first man who came along, and I went nursing at 19 and never returned .

The only time that she was bearable, ironically, was when she got Alzheimer's disease. She had it for 3 years until she died at 89, and for those years she was very pleasant . I guess she'd forgotten how to be nasty.

I also wish that my mum had tried to instil confidence in we 3 children paddyann.

None of us felt we were ever good enough for her but I hope that I have learnt from her and treated my children differently.

That's so sad Paddyann.......you have been such a good daughter......I don't know about you , but I believe in the afterlife and wherever she is, she must be regretting the way she treated you....as for my middle son, there must be some reason why he feels like he does. Growing up they were all treated the same..as a matter of fact he was a sick child and had more attention than the other two. Recently, he has detached himself from the rest of the family....my daughter and I see each other more, because she is divorced and I help out with the children. I also see his younger brother and family because they are happy for me to visit at least once a week. But this son's wife is quite antagonistic towards the family especially me .....hence I don't see them as much. I love them all but I see those who welcome me. I can't help that. If he and his wife invite me over , I will visit them ofcourse. It's a habit that I visit rather than them come over, because of packing kids clothes, nappies etc.
I hope you are having a happy life now Paddyann with your husband, children and their families

for Evianers, Stella , Kitty and all those who have tough childhoods. I feel so much for you all.
I hope you are all living happy lives now

Thank you so much CrazyH for taking the trouble to respond and to give us your kind wishes. Tough childhood indeed. In today's world, physical and psychological abuse would no longer be tolerated. One can probably more easily deal with external scarring and handicaps, but it is the internal effect which is impossible to see, which is as long-lasting and deep-seated.
Hopefully, the others who suffered have taken great pains, like us, to bring up our offspring in an entirely different fashion.

Yes, I do think it's sad, but also a symptom of the times. People did not talk about their feelings. With the wisdom of hindsight, I think perhaps it is better not to judge them too harshly. They were the products of their eras. My parents were born during the first world war, lived through the second. All without PTSD being diagnosed or counselling, which would surely be availabe now. I also left home at 17 and never went back........

CrazyH, thank you for your good wishes. I am living a happy life with a lovely man who has bolstered my self confidence and coped with my mother.

We have been married for nearly 50 years, have 5 children and almost 9 DGC. We have had ups and downs but have pulled together. After years of Mum dividing us, my brothers and I pulled together to help mum when she was ill and now have a really good and supportive relationship.

I'm lucky that I have a 'glass half full' personality but that infuriated my Mum.

The effects certainly are long lasting. The Bodach’s mother regularly thrashed him with a leather belt until he bled, usually accompanied by, “ You’re just like your f***in father” (who had left when the Bodach was six months old).
He remained terrified of her, even when she was a frail old woman, and was constantly seeking her approval ( which he never got). He was also left with a fear of any kind of authority, which has never fully left him.

What an interesting thread! I realised quite late in to my adult life that the childhood I had was far from "normal" and it was only when I was having counselling for something else that it was pointed out to me that I was the daughter of a Narcissistic Mother and the impact that had on me as a child and adult. Since then I have done a lot of research and reading and I'm slowly recovering.
For anybody who is interested, I recommend "Daughter Detox: Recovering from An Unloving Mother and Reclaiming Your Life by Peg Streep". This explains so much and really helps to understand the impact and remedies of being a child of an Unloving Mother.

ThankscrazyH I've always been reasonably happy just not very confident.My mother was a "delicate" child and pampered by her parents when she married my Dad he took over the pamering.His mantra was "dont worry your mother" she wasn't bad to me or my sisters it was just how she was .
I adored my dad and when he died I stepped into his shoes to care for mum .Luckily I get on exceptionally well with my sisters and I have a fantastic OH and 2 great AD and the best ,brightest most beautiful 4 GC in the world....well I might be a bit biased.

Life is a rollercoaster - ups and downs. Another way of looking at it is this ......you can't have it good all the time. My childhood was the best ever ....loved my parents, who I adored. Life was great until I finished University.
And then I got married ⛷.....the only good thing that came out of it were my 3 children. Culture and circumstances forced me to stay in the marriage for 25 years ...well, I was forced out by another woman ...

Loved by my parents

I left home at 17 to get away from a sometimes violent alcoholic mother whom I hated, and it was the best thing I ever did. But it wasn’t until I was well into my own (happy) marriage that I began to start to pull together tenuous strands of what had made her the way she was and the stresses in her life that made her, well, kick over the traces. I think she tried to be a good mother to me, but I was born to her late in her life when she had a grown up family and it must have been very frustrating for her. I also think I understand now, though not from personal experience, what may have driven her alcoholism. My adult nieces and nephews remember her being a good and caring grandmother to them. My children never knew her. All my siblings are gone now, and it’s one of the ironies in life that when you have worked out the questions you desperately want answered, there is no-one to ask.

My mother is not capable of parenting and it would have been the best thing for all of us if she had not had children.

I don’t think it would have made her illnesses easier for her to cope with, but it would have meant she didn’t have the opportunity to commit the abuse she did.

I think although my brother and I have worked hard on ourselves to overcome the damage done and be productive members of society, overall it would have been better for us never to have been in that position of needing to do that work on ourselves.

My father never felt any wish to have children so it would have been a net positive for him: far, far less financial stress on him to provide for children as well as her.

I think all four of us have paid too high a price for her bad decision.

I had a miserable childhood, mainly due to poverty and the fact that our mother was angry and bitter by the choices she had made in her own life. We were constantly told of what she "could have done if it hadn't had us". She was permanently angry and bitter. I grew up feeling apologetic for my existence.

There are a lot of us about. It seems to me that we are the lucky ones in a way. We have all found our way and, hopefully, beaten the 'curse' as it were. I feel there are others who were not so lucky, or strong! I know that I was lucky to be of a positive personality but also that I met DH who has cared for me where my mother did not.

That's very true kitty. I always used my mother as a role model of what I should never be with my own DC.

Oh gosh......I wonder how my children will remember me....not in a very good light I imagine. Their father and I are divorced......I was the disciplinarian....he was the laid -back one. Never mind.....I did my best, in the best way I knew how......

CrazyH wrote:
"Oh gosh......I wonder how my children will remember me."
That's what I worry about. I had a terrible relationship with their Dad. Don't know why we ever got married, but we produced 3 lovely children. It wasn't their fault, but they suffered as a consequence.
Like you, I did my best. They're all still talking to me. They were to him too - he died in Jan.

crazyH -It's not about being a disciplinarian - it's about never telling your child you love them, never giving them a cuddle, always finding fault, blatantly favouring one over the other right up to the end and beyond. Children eventually understand why they were disciplined but it's much harder to understand why the very person who was supposed to love you the most, didn't love you at all.