Mothers

Don't feel bad polly, in many cases (my own), it's our miserable childhoods that have made us the strong, resilient people that we are today. We have learnt from our parents mistakes and vowed never to repeat them with our own DC.
Like chaosinc, I also turned by back on my mother many years ago and that was the true beginning of my life. Do I regret that? No. The only thing I regret is that I waited so long to do it.

This thread is really sad. I really had no idea before joining gransnet that so many people had unhapy childhoods and/or unhapoy marriages. I must live in a small world as I and most of my friends as far as I know have had very happy childhoods and marriages. Im sorry if I slund smug - I don't mean to. I'm conscious that I am very lucky. This thread has been an eye opener and has made me feel really sad.

What an interesting post. Mothers are not perfect,most of us do the best we can and our children come first but sometimes we get things wrong, I think that's just normal, for those that are physically or mentally abused, that is a different matter. I know people whose bad childhoods made them determined to have a very happy life and then family, whilst I suppose others never let the past lie and it affects them as long as they live. You can have two people abandoned and bought up in orphanages, who have a completely different attitude to life and how they live it.

An interesting time with your friend, OP.
I have been surprised, through later adult years, just how many of those who have become good friends have turned out to also have had difficult upbringings.
Do 'birds of a feather flock together'? Do we emit invisible vibes?

In those days, emotional abuse wasn't even on the radar. Schools did not react to what would now be considered blatant signs.
My mother was not stable. She married a man who was abusive.
I married at 18, to a highly controlling man. ....because he seemed to actually like me.
I finally ended contact with my mother in my late thirties. It was the best thing I ever did, and probably saved my sanity.

Of childhood friends, three would have their own pains to tell. All escaped early, and all of us have battled self esteem issues through our entire lives.

What interests me is why some people are able to break the pattern, and transform their own parenting, whilst others seem destined to repeat the cycle.
What makes some people determined not to inflict damage, and others incapable of change?

Fennel...so did I (terrible relationship with their Dad).
Emelle....Thanks for making me feel better....I did all that, told them I loved them, cuddled them, never favoured one over the other, although my middle son does have a slight 'middle child syndrome'....?

crazyH -It's not about being a disciplinarian - it's about never telling your child you love them, never giving them a cuddle, always finding fault, blatantly favouring one over the other right up to the end and beyond. Children eventually understand why they were disciplined but it's much harder to understand why the very person who was supposed to love you the most, didn't love you at all.

CrazyH wrote:
"Oh gosh......I wonder how my children will remember me."
That's what I worry about. I had a terrible relationship with their Dad. Don't know why we ever got married, but we produced 3 lovely children. It wasn't their fault, but they suffered as a consequence.
Like you, I did my best. They're all still talking to me. They were to him too - he died in Jan.

Oh gosh......I wonder how my children will remember me....not in a very good light I imagine. Their father and I are divorced......I was the disciplinarian....he was the laid -back one. Never mind.....I did my best, in the best way I knew how......

That's very true kitty. I always used my mother as a role model of what I should never be with my own DC.

There are a lot of us about. It seems to me that we are the lucky ones in a way. We have all found our way and, hopefully, beaten the 'curse' as it were. I feel there are others who were not so lucky, or strong! I know that I was lucky to be of a positive personality but also that I met DH who has cared for me where my mother did not.

I had a miserable childhood, mainly due to poverty and the fact that our mother was angry and bitter by the choices she had made in her own life. We were constantly told of what she "could have done if it hadn't had us". She was permanently angry and bitter. I grew up feeling apologetic for my existence.

My mother is not capable of parenting and it would have been the best thing for all of us if she had not had children.

I don’t think it would have made her illnesses easier for her to cope with, but it would have meant she didn’t have the opportunity to commit the abuse she did.

I think although my brother and I have worked hard on ourselves to overcome the damage done and be productive members of society, overall it would have been better for us never to have been in that position of needing to do that work on ourselves.

My father never felt any wish to have children so it would have been a net positive for him: far, far less financial stress on him to provide for children as well as her.

I think all four of us have paid too high a price for her bad decision.

I left home at 17 to get away from a sometimes violent alcoholic mother whom I hated, and it was the best thing I ever did. But it wasn’t until I was well into my own (happy) marriage that I began to start to pull together tenuous strands of what had made her the way she was and the stresses in her life that made her, well, kick over the traces. I think she tried to be a good mother to me, but I was born to her late in her life when she had a grown up family and it must have been very frustrating for her. I also think I understand now, though not from personal experience, what may have driven her alcoholism. My adult nieces and nephews remember her being a good and caring grandmother to them. My children never knew her. All my siblings are gone now, and it’s one of the ironies in life that when you have worked out the questions you desperately want answered, there is no-one to ask.

Loved by my parents

Life is a rollercoaster - ups and downs. Another way of looking at it is this ......you can't have it good all the time. My childhood was the best ever ....loved my parents, who I adored. Life was great until I finished University.
And then I got married ⛷.....the only good thing that came out of it were my 3 children. Culture and circumstances forced me to stay in the marriage for 25 years ...well, I was forced out by another woman ...

ThankscrazyH I've always been reasonably happy just not very confident.My mother was a "delicate" child and pampered by her parents when she married my Dad he took over the pamering.His mantra was "dont worry your mother" she wasn't bad to me or my sisters it was just how she was .
I adored my dad and when he died I stepped into his shoes to care for mum .Luckily I get on exceptionally well with my sisters and I have a fantastic OH and 2 great AD and the best ,brightest most beautiful 4 GC in the world....well I might be a bit biased.

What an interesting thread! I realised quite late in to my adult life that the childhood I had was far from "normal" and it was only when I was having counselling for something else that it was pointed out to me that I was the daughter of a Narcissistic Mother and the impact that had on me as a child and adult. Since then I have done a lot of research and reading and I'm slowly recovering.
For anybody who is interested, I recommend "Daughter Detox: Recovering from An Unloving Mother and Reclaiming Your Life by Peg Streep". This explains so much and really helps to understand the impact and remedies of being a child of an Unloving Mother.

The effects certainly are long lasting. The Bodach’s mother regularly thrashed him with a leather belt until he bled, usually accompanied by, “ You’re just like your f***in father” (who had left when the Bodach was six months old).
He remained terrified of her, even when she was a frail old woman, and was constantly seeking her approval ( which he never got). He was also left with a fear of any kind of authority, which has never fully left him.

CrazyH, thank you for your good wishes. I am living a happy life with a lovely man who has bolstered my self confidence and coped with my mother.

We have been married for nearly 50 years, have 5 children and almost 9 DGC. We have had ups and downs but have pulled together. After years of Mum dividing us, my brothers and I pulled together to help mum when she was ill and now have a really good and supportive relationship.

I'm lucky that I have a 'glass half full' personality but that infuriated my Mum.

Yes, I do think it's sad, but also a symptom of the times. People did not talk about their feelings. With the wisdom of hindsight, I think perhaps it is better not to judge them too harshly. They were the products of their eras. My parents were born during the first world war, lived through the second. All without PTSD being diagnosed or counselling, which would surely be availabe now. I also left home at 17 and never went back........

Thank you so much CrazyH for taking the trouble to respond and to give us your kind wishes. Tough childhood indeed. In today's world, physical and psychological abuse would no longer be tolerated. One can probably more easily deal with external scarring and handicaps, but it is the internal effect which is impossible to see, which is as long-lasting and deep-seated.
Hopefully, the others who suffered have taken great pains, like us, to bring up our offspring in an entirely different fashion.

for Evianers, Stella , Kitty and all those who have tough childhoods. I feel so much for you all.
I hope you are all living happy lives now

That's so sad Paddyann.......you have been such a good daughter......I don't know about you , but I believe in the afterlife and wherever she is, she must be regretting the way she treated you....as for my middle son, there must be some reason why he feels like he does. Growing up they were all treated the same..as a matter of fact he was a sick child and had more attention than the other two. Recently, he has detached himself from the rest of the family....my daughter and I see each other more, because she is divorced and I help out with the children. I also see his younger brother and family because they are happy for me to visit at least once a week. But this son's wife is quite antagonistic towards the family especially me .....hence I don't see them as much. I love them all but I see those who welcome me. I can't help that. If he and his wife invite me over , I will visit them ofcourse. It's a habit that I visit rather than them come over, because of packing kids clothes, nappies etc.
I hope you are having a happy life now Paddyann with your husband, children and their families

I also wish that my mum had tried to instil confidence in we 3 children paddyann.

None of us felt we were ever good enough for her but I hope that I have learnt from her and treated my children differently.

My mother was a narcissist - the world revolved around her and her opinions. She spent her entire time undermining everyone in the family, especially my Dad who had given her a wonderful life and never deserved her derision.

For me and my sister it was hell living with her - she loved nothing more than criticizing / ridiculing us. My sister married young, to the first man who came along, and I went nursing at 19 and never returned .

The only time that she was bearable, ironically, was when she got Alzheimer's disease. She had it for 3 years until she died at 89, and for those years she was very pleasant . I guess she'd forgotten how to be nasty.