Gransnet forums

Relationships

Could DD and her daughters move closer to us?

(73 Posts)
Alima Wed 12-Sep-18 06:11:01

DD moved about 80 miles away from our home to be with her partner. Move on ten years and the relationship has broken down. They have two daughters. His life and all his family are up there. Yesterday it became evident that his family are shutting her out, literally by closing the door on her after she had taken the girls round. (Also by arranging to take the girls away in half term without mentioning it to her and she had other plans). When they sell their house would she be within her rights to move her and the girls closer to us or would that be construed as removing the girls from their father? He is a good father although relies on his parents a huge amount. That’s it really, I am worried about my DD and want her nearer us and not miles away with people who don’t care about her.

PeggyEm Thu 13-Sep-18 17:13:11

I've come to this post rather late in the day but hope it's not too late to mention another solution which no-one has mentioned, i.e. Is it possible for you to move nearer to them so that the children are not uprooted and you can be close to support your daughter if the in laws are being hostile to her?

Caro57 Thu 13-Sep-18 17:24:52

How about getting some legal advice? Partnership rights are very different to marriages when there is a breakdown. Also bear in mind both DGDs may be coerced into thinking they are being taken away from dad and the resentment against mum that might lead to - not easy

harrysgran Thu 13-Sep-18 17:37:56

She should do what is best for her and the children if that is living closer to her family and having their support then that is what she needs to do . Her partner and his family will just have to understand at the end of the day she is doing what sounds beneficial for her children

Shazmo24 Thu 13-Sep-18 18:15:18

Your DD needs legal advice. A friend of mine daughter wanted to move with their 2 girls only 20 miles when their relationship broke down. He wouldn't allow her to and the court backed him up!
Get her to see someone asap

alig99 Thu 13-Sep-18 18:46:46

There is no issue legally for her not to move her and the girls. Arrangements for access by the father another matter, although whilst more difficult it’s something to be discussed but should be an issue for your daughter living nearer you.

notanan2 Thu 13-Sep-18 19:19:02

There is no issue legally for her not to move her and the girls. Arrangements for access by the father another matter,

Right, people are confusing whether its legal or illegal (it is not illegal) with whether it'll go against her in children's court if it comes to that (actions don't have to be illegal for them to count against you in children's court).

notanan2 Thu 13-Sep-18 19:22:30

It could be argued that she does not put the children's interests first by moving them away from the other parent, which could contribute to the other parent getting shared or majority custody.

That happened to someone I know. They were not married. The move to her home town was less than 3 hours away.

notanan2 Thu 13-Sep-18 19:27:41

Not all legal issues are about criminal law.

She wouldnt be breaking a criminal law.

However she still may be putting herself on the back foot with the family courts. Ask a family law solicitor.

Bibbity Thu 13-Sep-18 20:14:29

The father could go to the court to gain a prohibited steps order which would stop the children from being moved.
Your daughter is free to do as she wishes. The children are the responsibility of both parents and as such both have an equal say in their lives.

If the court does allow your daughter to move it is likely that she will be held respoansoble for the travel of the children between visits.
For example dropping them off and collecting them from their father.

jenpax Thu 13-Sep-18 20:24:57

Unless there is a child arrangements order made through the family court which specifies where the children live etc then the parent with care (your daughter) can move where she likes.
If your daughter is anxious she could try to get such an order herself and a court would decide on the issue based on the best interests of the child.
I am assuming too that the father has parental responsibility? this is not automatic if the couple were not married.
I would recommend approaching a solicitor as some do a free first appointment.
There is also lots of info about these issues on a brilliant legal site called advice now.

HurdyGurdy Thu 13-Sep-18 22:26:13

If the children are under 12 years old, and his name is on the birth certificates, then regardless of whether they were married or not, he has parental responsibility for them, and therefore has equal rights over them.

Your daughter needs legal advice. My friend was stopped by her daughters' father from moving to Somerset to Staffordshire to be nearer her family (the girls' dad lives in Norfolk, I think) when the father took her to Court.

Marianne1953 Thu 13-Sep-18 23:31:56

I would imagine. It will depend who has custody or whether it is joint custody. If it is joint, I think it would be difficult to work. Though 80 miles isn’t that far it would mean the children travelling back and forth every other weekend. The children will be attached to the other grandparents, would it be right to take them away , when they are going through the trauma of divorce.

icanhandthemback Thu 13-Sep-18 23:55:20

At the moment neither parent will have Residency unless they have been to Court so Dad could stop Mum moving, at least temporarily until there has been a full hearing. As I understood it, the Courts were getting much tougher about Mothers whisking the children off, and so they should. The children aren't yet at an age where they can give informed consent as to their living arrangements and the absolutely best scenario for children is where the parents can sensibly agree to continue co-parenting. I believe that the Courts are looking to of a more 50/50 arrangement wherever possible so that is their starting point. Moving children so far away would thwart that because they could not stay with the non resident parent during the week because of schooling. Our solicitor told my Son that he should not have let his GF take their child back to her mother's over 200 miles away because the child had a right to both parents. When I pointed out his GF only had us in the area so wanted to go back to her parents, the solicitor told us that there was nothing to stop her from doing that but she would have to leave the child with him. As we had already facilitated her move back we had inadvertently given her permission which we could have kicked ourselves for. I do so wish we'd got legal advice first because it would have saved my son a 450 mile round trip once a month and he could have been much closer to his child, assisting in schooling decisions, medical treatment, etc. However, as he lives so far away, his views are mainly discounted.

Shizam Fri 14-Sep-18 00:54:45

What?!? Don’t think grandparents can take two such young ones on a holiday without mother’s approval! They sound totally over-bearing. Get her some legal advice ASAP! Resettle hopefully near you.

Coyoacan Fri 14-Sep-18 04:52:43

It sounds like it will be much better for your dd's mental wellbeing and consequently for the children if she moves back home. However she would probably be expected to contribute to the father's travel expenses and pick some of the hassle of transporting the children to see him.

kitnsimon Fri 14-Sep-18 05:22:49

If the father is named on the birth certificates he has parental responsibility, the same as the mother. It sounds as is his family are the real problem. If your daughter moves it would be wise to put everything in motion and not tell him until they have actually gone as he is likely to go to court and try to prevent the move beforehand. If it is a done deal he has less power.

stringvest Fri 14-Sep-18 09:42:18

Alima - it is up to your DD and her husband to cope with this situation . You could do worse than suggest she reads this thread herself - she would then realise that she needs informed professional advice from a solicitor who specialises in family and matrimonial affairs . Almost certainly he/she would advise trying to negotiate new arrangements mutually . If it does go to Court - it would be a Family Court where the hearing is private and held behind closed doors. No reporters allowed . No wigs or gowns worn by judge etc and NB this is NOT a criminal court - nobody is being accused of criminal behaviour so there is no guilty / not guilty verdict .

PeggyEm - you seem to be the only one who has so far suggested to Alina that she considers moving nearer to her DD- but Alina you would need to discuss this carefully with her as such a move might limit her options later . If you move nearer that would make it harder for her to move away at a later date . She might prefer for you to stay exactly where you are .

Also - everyone seems to be assuming that 80 miles is not a problem - which is true if you or your DD have a car - but might be a nightmare if needing to use public transport.

fluttERBY123 Fri 14-Sep-18 11:02:13

Wondering who has parental responsibility, legally, and if they are divorced or separated.Also important what would be best for the children. As has been mentioned, the children have their roots, friends, school where they are now.

Had OP thought of herself moving nearer to daughter?

icanhandthemback Fri 14-Sep-18 14:33:31

kitnsimon that is an outrageous idea that the children should be whisked away without saying anything first. Have you any idea of the repercussions that this would have on the whole situation. My husband's ex did this and my husband was absolutely devastated. The kids felt guilty because they had to keep quiet and hadn't realised the hurt that it would cause as they were sold it as a good thing for them. It turned out to be devastating that left at least one of them with mental health issues.
This father is apparently a good one, albeit under the influence of his parents, but you would treat him thus. Would you be quite as quick to advocate this if it was the father suggesting that?

Eglantine21 Fri 14-Sep-18 14:42:28

Not only outrageous, but would go against her at a family court hearing if he applied for custody, as such an action would indicate that she was focused on her own wishes rather than the considered needs of the children.

123kitty Fri 14-Sep-18 17:16:50

I'm sure all the GN posters are trying to be helpful, but reading all the contradictory advice you've been given your CD really needs professional legal advice. Good luck

codfather Sat 15-Sep-18 21:02:00

As a retired CSA officer, if your daughter has residency of the children, she can move where she wants with the children. The thing is that he may be able to have his maintenance recalculated to take care of travelling expenses if they are over a certain amount. I can't remember the full rules as it's been a while!