Is it bad to read spouse‘s diary?

He was in the wrong, your diary is your private thoughts and doings. He had no right to read it and has only himself to blame. Keeping a diary is a good way of letting off steam, putting your thoughts down and keeping track on events. Don't let it stop you and let him know that you will continue.

Hi Katerina0822 - Im betting your DH is justifying his inner remorse about violating your privacy by showing what he thinks is righteous anger. Let him know the things you have said here - both of you are feeling hurt and betrayed, but the hurt he is feeling he brought on himself. He is in the wrong, but is doing a switcheroo so you think you are in the wrong. Psychological games don't belong in a strong marriage.
However - there is a really good question that I try to remember (not always successfully) when at an impasse - "would I rather be right or happy?". Maybe you can apologise for hurting him? Doesn't mean you can't keep writing though!

Cannot understand why husband admitted to reading the diary. Clearly the contents are interesting - and he has blown the opportunity to continue to follow his wife's thoughts and comments . It would not be beyond " the wit of man" (sic) for him to ask Q's and keep open discussions on the matters that are bothering her - without it being obvious what he is reading. That might keep communication channels between them going which could have a positive effect on their relationship over the longer term. Think Machiavelli

Once again - thank you everyone for validating my anger - not that I think I need it. I am usually a very pragmatic person and even when we have argued I usually start to feel sorry and see his point of view. This is the first time I have felt so right that I cannot get beyond the anger and knowledge that I am right ! I would never look at ANYONE’S private writings because chances are you will read something you don’t like. DD has always been a most trustworthy and honest person and having had another very heated discussion since , I know it is about deeper issues within him. Ironic, since the whole point of writing my diary was to not stir up those feelings for him ! I love him dearly but my trust has been severely shaken and I am not sure where to go from here. Thank you all for your support . First time of using Gransnet for myself and I’m grateful.

Totally agree with everything here. I learnt to my cost when i started reading teenage DD’s diary many years ago and almost destroyed our retaionship in the process. I was totally wrong to do it, they were her private thoughts & emotons & it almost cost me my DD. Fortunately for me she eventually forgave me but i will never forget my huge mistake.

I'd be furious with him. That is private & a good way of getting your thoughts in order- not for anyone's eyes but your own!

I would be furious in your shoes. I would show him this thread to be honest - so that he can see the nice things you've said about him, even though you're justifiably angry - and he can see what others think. Then I would challenge him to say why he thought it would be acceptable to have read it. It was NOT acceptable.

Upset? I would be [censored] livid.

No excuses for doing that to someone.

Unfortunately reading someone else's diary is not a criminal offence, which reading letters addressed to them, or at least opening them without permission is.

Your husband behaved wrongly, and telling you he is hurt by what he read is the outside of enough.

I keep letters I write to a cousin on my computer, but while we were recently going through a bad patch, I realised that I had discussed things quite freely in my letters to her, so I went through them and deleted passages I would not want my DH to read if I predecease him. I similar letter to an old school-friend is password protected.

If I were you I would keep my diary hidden, preferably under lock and key, from now on.

Just so wrong but on a human level if it was just lying around the temptation must have been great if you are a certain type prepared to betray another person. Why not keep writing if it helps you but hide it away. Its only about him insofar as you now know he cant resist the temptation to look at it. He has found how hard it is to face the truth about ones actions, that is what he really doesn't like.

I have always kept a diary, as a planner, birthday reminders etc. In my 2nd marriage because of the way things deteriorated when his Co collapsed, I started to write my thoughts and feelings down almost as therapy, as he was drinking heavily and verbally abusive. I was at work one day and came home to face fury, he had read my diary and was absolutely livid. I asked him to name one thing in there that wasn’t true, of course he couldn’t but his temper and illogical behaviour just wouldn’t accept that. We divorced soon afterwards, but my diary was the proof I needed in Court to be able to divorce him for mental cruelty.

Years ago my husband read my (well hidden I thought) diary while I was abroad looking after my mother who was seriously ill. I had written the diary at the suggestion of a therapist I was seeing at the time because of major problems in our marriage due to his infidelity (he wouldn't see the therapist with me because 'there wasn't a problem!') and so, yes, he read much that made him angry. We stayed together and jog along ok after all this time but I have never written another diary and would never fully trust him. Tempting as it may be, it is just so wrong to abuse another adult's trust in that way and, as others have said, then try to turn it around and be the one who is hurt!

My daughters ex husband read her diary written at the age of 16 (she was then 39) in which she confessed she had stolen £20. From then on he blackmailed her by saying he would report her to the police. She had a responsible job and was terrified (and to be honest still is). It’s totally out of order to read another persons letters or diary without permission.

Yes, I think he was 100% in the wrong.

You say DH is wonderful. If you are generally happy with him and he usually treats you well, I'd discuss the matter with him and make it 100% clear he shouldn't have done it and mustn't do it again. If there was a particular sentence or paragraph which hurt him, I'd try and resolve that specific issue so that it didn't fester.

I think, after a having a constructive argument, I'd let the matter drop on condition he didn't do it again.

I wish you the best of luck.

Thanks everyone. I am still very angry and hurt -there is no reason forthcoming that makes any sense. He is the person I would normally trust most in the world. When it boils down to it he is making all about him and it really isn’t. Possibly one of the more serious rows we’ve ever had ! You think you know someone ..... Irony is that this is just the sort of thing that makes me want to get my feelings down on paper!

I kept a diary for many decades and recently had a ceremonial burning of them,I didn't like the thought of my OH or kids reading them ,even though there was nothing to worry about .I didn't want them seeing all that teenage angst .I do have photos of old boyfriends though .Well most are still friends and my OH and kids know them well .

If my husband ever read my diary , which I always leave on the table by my side I would wr ing his bloody neck!
And he knows it .
How dare your husband then go on to twist it and say he is the one who is hurt!!!
Have you asked him why he thought it was ok to do so. ?
Don't let him stop you keeping a diary though even if it means you have to buy one with a lock on , now wouldn't that annoy him ..... Go get one tomorrow and if he asks why just give him the evil eye and say nothing.

How would HE feel if you'd done the same to him?

He is making it all about him, saying he is hurt. It's you who has had your privacy invaded.

Everyone has their private thoughts, however much they love their partner. It sounds as if you didn't put anything bad in there anyway. It's a shame if it stops you writing a diary in future.

It was very wrong of him to do it. Has it put you off using a diary again for your innermost thoughts?

My mother read my diary when I was 15 or 16 and she tore it up. I only keep a diary now for appointments- zilch else. All that was in my diary was teenage rubbish.

YANBU. Diaries and journals are private.

I told my DSD that the ONLY time I would ever read her private diary would be if I had serious concerns and she wouldn't talk to me. I would also be letting her know that I had read it. So far I have not needed to do so.

We all do it! I do it in my head/thoughts.

Thank you Notanan2. Well , I think I may rant to myself on my PC . I think it unlikely that I will ever stop ranting - kind of keeps me sane ?

Why shouldn't you "do it again"?

You did nothing wrong?

Good grief how narcissistic would you have to be to think you never ever irritate or frustrate your partner? You just dont hear every niggle because most people pick their battles, which is what you were doing by sorting your thoughts in your diary

Sorry - would NOT be good for anyone to read

I agree that lots of negative comments would be good for thought for anyone but it was as the result of being up for hours in the night and trying to work out what I was really feeling. I have said nice things about him because he is a lovely man. It was more acknowledging my own short comings and as already said , ramblings not meant for anyone else’s eyes. Even if I did write mean things ( which even now I re read were not mean ) , I am entitled to my thoughts! Of course I won’t do it again but I do need an outlet - don’t we all ?