Adult daughter issues

Its okay to not be on the same wavelength as people in your family.

People shouldn't beat themselves up about feeling that they wouldn't necessarily chose their relatives as friends. That's okay and not that unusual, and that aspect of your post is not the problematic part. Its fine to be TOTALLY different people, you can still love each other & have a good relationship.

The problem is that you sound stuck in the mindset of a pregnant first time mum, full of wistful gossamer daydreams of what you imagined mother daughter relations to be...

No daughter could favourably compare to that

Most of our kids are totally different to how we imagined family life to be pre children. We get to know our real children and the fantasy fades. For most of us anyway. Some don't let go of the imagined family in order to do so. I can't tell you why but I can tell you a lot about being on the receiving end of it

I know I was a disappointment to my mother as she constantly made it clear. Only one of my offspring grew up something like I expected. They all give me worries. I just want them to be well/get better and be happy and I will be happy too.
24 is so young. She’s feeling her way in life and making a good job of it too.

Hello violetsunshine and welcome.
I think it is important to try not to imagine your child as doing something you want, but rather be happy that they are doing something they want. Her chosen path does not seem to be harmful to herself or to others, so therefore be happy about that and support her. We can’t expect our lives to be lived through those of our children/grandchildren/nieces and nephews. Be happy for her, not resentful.

I am going to go against the grain a little and say thAt I think you have done well to bring up a focussed, independent driven young lady. Well done.

She is so, so young. Who knows what she will be doing in 5,10,15 years?
I had my first child late twenties and I was quite young compared to Many in the baby groups.

I wasn't brought up to realise I had any skill s or value to anyone and although worked for charities and in care doing worthwhile jobs that were caring a nd helpful....none of them gave me qualifications as such and now as a mum of two, I'm still brinGing In The same money wise as I did ten years ago....there is progression and I don't command more than a very low wage. I feel like a failure to my children a s I can't always buy them beautiful things ( but what I do offer them is my love, my time and lots of beach trips and bug hunts!)
I am a disappointment to my father who values slim people wi th a sense of purpose, a mortgage , a good career, decent cars and savings. I have none of this.
I have a good sense of humour and this has helped no end...
My children are the centre of my world and I want them to grow up wi th confidence in their abilities, with good moral compasses and a kind nature. I don't know if that will happen.
Isn't it funny how everyone s idea of 'success' is so different!

Gosh, my daughter became pregnant at 20, split up with the father and since has struggled to get a decent job/partner/nice place to live. She too is 24. She would swop with yours in a heartbeat.

Have the replies made you think any differently, violetflowers?

To those who have accused me of not replying - I have been reading the responses. I am just not sure what to say.

When you are not the child your parent wanted you eventually learn not to need them.

For that to happen the child has to grieve. They first try to please you and when they can't they grieve. They grieve for the love they didn't get from you. And they grieve for YOU.

Down the line, if you decide you DO need or want them, maybe when they have children of their own that you want to grandparent, maybe when you're facing illness, death or other life changes, or maybe you just mellowed, their grief cycle may be complete and its too late. They grieved for you and came out the other side and moved on. They might meet with you but the need to be loved by you just won't be there any more. You won't be needed any more. You'll be in their "outer circle" like an acquaintance. And you will stay there.

Your daughter is young. She may act tough and independant, but she probably has not fully given up on you and grieved for the relationship yet. So there is time, but maybe not much time.

I remember saying to my son when he was a wild teenager, "I have only one ambition for you and that is to outlive me.....and I have no plans to pop my clogs any day soon. " My lovely daughter lives 10000 miles away but she is happy, successful and became a mother at the age of 37. I couldn't be more proud of both of them even though I'm not living quite the life I might have hoped for. Their happiness and health is all that matters to my happiness. It's called LOVE.

Love your daughter for who and what she is. She might not be what you wished for, but if she's happy with her lot, then rejoice. So many people are disappointed when their children turn out to be a bundle of trouble, but you're disappointed because she's not the image you wanted. She's her own person and seems to be doing well. You should be really proud of her and I really don't understand why you wouldn't be.

Gosh, my daughter became pregnant at 20, split up with the father and since has struggled to get a decent job/partner/nice place to live. She too is 24. She would swop with yours in a heartbeat.

Amazing HQ haven’t come down on those saying it’s a wind up in the same way I got blasted for doing just that in another thread

My daughter lives and works abroad. I see her twice a year, for about ten days at a time. She is very successful and hard-working, a career woman and adore her. Her life is very different to mine but she is a well rounded person, loves her family and has many friends. I could not be prouder! Love your daughter despite everything, she is not you, she is her own person, cherish her!

It’s totally 100% her choice what she wants to do with her life and how she wants to live it...not what you want and expect of her! You should be proud of her and also tell her so. I’d admire someone her age has got the ambition to move forwards and upwards.

I hope this is a wind up. She’s a successful young woman in a competitive business. And OP is disappointed she’s not the friend she thought she’d be (or a vet ) children aren’t commodities for parents. I’m personally just delighted my children are healthy and Happy adults however they choose to live their lives. I sincerely hope your daughter isn’t aware of your disappointment

I didn’t get any grandchildren until my younger son and his wife were 34. Didn’t surprise me at all. I think i’m lucky to have them. I’d have been disappointed if they’d started on family life when very young.

I’d only just finished University when I was 24. There’s plenty of time.

Oh dear, I was that daughter (Not the in fashion world bit) and not th3 way I eas supposed to be. Knew it too, left home for England. Caused frustration, distanc3 when we could have got on like a house on fire so alike in many ways but judged on old fashioned ways... so sad still. Wasted emotional energy and time...

Sorry but I think violetflowers is away having a good giggle here at our expense. I think this is a wind up. She must think grandmothers are so gullible - all defending the ‘daughter’ .... ‘dripping in designer’. Yeah, right.

Life is a mixture of achievements and disappointments as far as I can see. Having ambitions for others sets you up for disappointment as they are not you. BUT it doesn't have to be bad - you can learn a lot from each other. I know I disappointed my parents (for similar reasons).

I did get very angry with my mum in particular when I was in my teens for not understanding that I wanted to be FREE (flower power/free love was all the rage) I wasn't interested in babies or pleasing adults for that matter. I was selfish basically but boy did I enjoy life.

NOW in my 60's, I am a mum, grandmum and look after my elderly mum so I haven't turned out too bad lol.

Give her time and space and all will come right.

I have a successful and career driven daughter too, and we're not as close as I would like. I'm immensly proud of her achievements, we're very different and love each other for the people we are.

I wish I had your daughters lifestyle at her age and the opportunities she has ahead of her in HER chosen career.
violetflowers You sound very envious of your daughter and the lifestyle she leads,have you any idea how difficult it is to get into the fashion industry and to succeed in the fashion world.
All the beautiful designer pieces she wears will probably pieces gifted to her or at massively discounted prices,it is the way of the industry a thing you would know if you took an interest in what she does.
I am surprised we have not heard back from the OPs after all the posts

We all imagine when our children are very young what there life would be like when they grow into adults.
You cannot live there life for them, expect them to be what you want them to be they have to make there own way in life.
Maybe she doesn’t want children my daughter has never wanted to be a mother she wanted a career and she has one.
We never expected anything from our daughter except to live her life the way she wanted and we respect that.

Very old adage, but please do try to count your blessings rather than focus on the things that aren't exactly as you hoped they would be:
Your daughter is well
She is successful
She has a partner she is presumably happy to be with
She is still in your life and talking to you
She isn't in prison or have a serious addiction.
Although she is further away then you would like, it might be good to plan special visits to her, take them out for a meal, go with her to a show or event that she would enjoy or shows featuring her work etc...
I am not trying to be flippant or unkind, but I imagine there are many mothers who have"lost" their daughters in various ways ( death, drugs, prison, no longer in contact) and would love to have the opportunity you still have to have a relationship with their daughter.
I hope things work out and , in the meantime, is there voluntary work or other activities you could do to help fill the gap you feel is there? All the best.

I can't believe what you are saying? No wonder she's cold & absent towards you...so would I if I thought that all my mother cared about was for me to get married & have children! She's only 24 for goodness sake!
You still may just about save thus relationship if you can change yoyr attitude. Be proud of her and What she's achieved. The chances are the clothes she wears is all part of the job she does.

Be grateful she is happy and making something of her life. It's her life not yours. As long as mine are safe and well and happy, I think that's worth a fortune.