Adult daughter issues

Just love her for who she is and not who you want her to be.
Your daughter sounds focussed and hard working to achieve the career she wants now. Later on she may want different things from life, including children .
Be proud of who she is and what she has achieved. It’s her life!

hello violetflowers and welcome to Gransnet.

Please don't take any of the more abrupt responses to heart - I've found that sometimes we type faster than we think and it's hard to remember there's a real person behind the posts.

I think the question you pose is really interesting and I think you're brave to admit to your feelings when I'm 100% sure you're not alone. I'm sure all of us have at times secretly wished our children were more communicative/kinder/cared more about their health/read more/brushed their hair more /chose a 'proper' career etc etc. The scale goes from small things to quite big things.

I think, if I'm right, that you are feeling down because your lives are so vastly different and it's difficult to understand each other. Also, especially when young adults fly the nest and move to cities or abroad they think they're 'above' their roots.

I'm sure you're careful not to let your misgivings or disappointment show to your daughter but make an extra effort not to let her get wind of it all. Shower her with praise and try not mention grandchildren, hard as it may be. I learnt this the hard way! I was convinced my eldest would never have children and was probably the most surprised when the 1st and then 2nd pregnancies were announced! Good luck, please keep yourself busy and do come back to post on Gransnet. It's a great distraction and a reminder that no one's life is perfect.

Health, Contentment, Gainful Employment, Sense of Community, Friends and hopefully a loving partner - if your children have those, or even some of those, and not necessarily in that order, then be glad for them. If they are living their lives independently of their parents, then you've done something right to enable them to do that. You should be glad, not sad, for the way your daughter has turned out. And as for our children's spouses/partners of whichever sex, be glad for them and totally accept that person into your family, otherwise you really will lose them and any children they may have. It's not really about you any more, even although you may be sad she does not live closer. It's her life, and it's only by opening your arms wide and accepting who and what she is that you will keep her close. She's getting on with her life, and you should be getting on with yours.

For goodness sake why should your daughter live the life you want her to ?

I have 3 DDs , all very different in many ways. One married with a child, one divorced with a child and now living with a long term partner and one single.However they are all hard working , honest and decent young women which is why I am proud of them as you should be of your Daughter.

No wonder she is cold and absent, and chooses to live far away. Your comments about her are so negative - I can't believe that she doesn't know how you feel about her.

Try to learn something about her life instead of calling it shallow and materialistic, and to to move beyond your demonstrated puzzlement about her career . You know that her field is hard to break into, yet you show no pleasure in the fact that she has actually broken into it and done so successfully. I wonder how you'd have felt, if your own mother had shown such disdain for your lifestyle. Think about it !

Ye gods!!! Be thankful you have a daughter, fit and well, happy with her long term partner, a daughter who is living her life with a successful career, a daughter who isn’t living on benefits struggling to feed herself and put a roof over her head, a daughter who isn’t fighting breast cancer or dehabilitating disease, or has a drug habit, your daughter is alive, you are a very lucky woman, be very very thankful.

Not once have you said in your post that you love your daughter. I think that is very sad . Be proud of what she has achieved and tell her that. We all like and deserve praise. Her career is her choice. I know many of us had children in our twenties because that was the norm then, women have children much later now so she has plenty of time. I didn't become a grandmother until my daughter was 33. She had a good career before that. Look to what you can achieve in your own life and don't try and live through your daughters. If she feels criticised and that you are disappointed in her it's not a great incentive to visit you is it?

If this isn’t a wind up then please go and get some counselling.

This reminds me a lot of my relationship with my mother. She was always telling other people how proud she was of me when I was younger and doing well academically, and then when I went to uni and graduated. But since then she makes it clear how I have disappointed her by not turning out how she had imagined. First that I didn't want to stay with my expartner who she liked, then that I moved further away for work, then that I didn't want to get have the big wedding that she imagined and then that I didn't want to have children. And all of this before I'd even reached 25, I still had years to get married and have children! Now that I am getting married I'm having a very small (witnesses only) ceremony as I can't stand the guilt trips from her. And now that I have DD I don't have her babysit as I'm wary that she will treat DD the same way. And I will not allow my daughter to witness the same disappointment in her, and feel the same guilt, that I did. She made it very clear to me that if me or my siblings were gay it would not be acceptable, none of us were, but how would she treat my child if she is? She's even worse with my brother, who has disappointed her in lots of ways, but mostly that he's 24 and isn't settling down.

The most frustrating part is that she blames us for her poor relationship with her, claiming we all hate her. But if she had just accepted us for who we were and not made it clear that she expected us to follow the life she imagined for us then it would be very different.

I hope you don't show your daughter that you are disappointed in her, you will just push her away and lose out if she ever does have children.

It's not unreasonable to have hopes and dreams for your child, it is unreasonable to have expectations on how they should live their life.

24 is very young, too young for some women to be thinking about babies, I clearly remember not being interested in starting a family in my 20s, it was only when I got past 30 that kicked in and I had my first child at 32 there's a hell of a lot of time left for your daughter. I'm sorry you feel as you do, but people do change as they get older and you may find that her focus will alter in time. Having set expectations of one's children is likely to disappoint, they are their own person and not a carbon copy of a parent and accordingly it follows that their interests and lifestyle won't necessarily resonate with you. I'd just look at the positives of her life, it's not as if she's on some awful downward spiral.

You should be pleased that your daughter is successful and happy, our children often do not have the lives that we hoped and imagined they would. You are very lucky that she has done well and realized her dreams, so many have their dreams denied time and again.
If it was me I'd be delighted how she turned out and get her to send me some of those gorgeous designer outfits that would suit me. 24 is very early in her career, maybe she will climb the ladder, maybe she will get moved sideways who knows but it is far too early to predict.

violetflowers hello and welcome to Gransnet. When we have children I think most of us anticipate the future through rose tinted spectacles and imagine the great friendships we'll have with our daughters and the closeness we'll have with our sons. Then our children are born and lo and behold they come with a personality all of their own!

I kind of get where you're coming from as one of my children is almost the polar opposite of me in terms of personality and character traits and so I have struggled sometimes to find connection, which is what I think you're saying. Your dreams of closeness may yet come to pass, but whilst they are yet unfulfilled can I urge you to
admire what you can and overlook the differences between you - as our children sometimes have to do with us.

If your daughter is well and happy, I think you should be content. It sounds as if she has done very well.

Things may change in the future anyway. She's only 24. Give it a few years and perhaps she will settle down and have children. Time will tell.

Children do not always turn out as we expect. After all, if you have two children, they will not have the same faces so why should they have the same personalities?

So sorry Kathsue....
Good grief Violet...you should be proud of your daughter's success. She is an only child ... there lies the explanation. You put all your hopes and dreams in her. Well, the hope that she would cling to your apron strings all her life. She has developed and grown into an independent girl. My daughter is successful as well. I hardly see her ...she is divorced with 2 teenage children. I am proud of her achievements ...I support her. Right now I have her children with me, while she is working in Paris.
You have to be proud of your children, whatever field they are in and support. Your daughter obviously earns a lot of money. Let her spend it the way she wants as long as she doesn't get into debt. Wish my daughter could afford to wear designer clothes ....but she looks lovely anyway.
Be happy Violet !

You should be grateful for what you've got, violet. My DD died aged 24. She broke my heart but I never stopped loving her and would have supported her whatever lifestyle she chose.

In a way it is lucky that you didnt get your "dream daughter"

Imagine if you had had a "homebody" girl, but she struggled to conceive or her partner left her high and dry? YOUR disappointment on top of her own would be devastating for her. So in that way perhaps you got the daughter you deserve? One who can function completely independently of you

What you want are your dreams not hers, at 24 she is so young, many many women now don't start a family till well past 30 there is no point in you holding your breath, please enjoy her as she is you must have helped her along to being so independent. What fun and how interesting to have a daughter in the fashion industry.

Nobody calls paintings "shallow and materialistic" and fashion is as much an artistic expression as paint and canvas.

Im not into fashion AL ALL myself but you don't have to be to appreciate the creativity and craft do you?

If you can't let go of your fantasy daughter in order to get to know the daughter you have, then when/if she does decide to turn her back on city life and "settle down" she may have learnt by then to do without you

I won't say what I think *re these posts^ on the relationship threads. If I did, it would be another slapped wrist

You can't live life vicariously through your daughter violetflowers, she is her own person and you should be proud.
Shallow and materialistic are terms you think are true but your daughter is equally ambitious, clever, successful and hard working, that should be your focus.

is she well? If so, that'll do nicely.

I don't think it is your daughter you are disappointed with but I think you are sad about the relationship you would like to have with her not being there. I hope that you are proud of what she has achieved as well.
As for the expensive clothes and bags I'm afraid if she is in the fashion industry she must wear them in order to get where she is and beyond.
I bet you any amount of money she hates having to look the part every day and would love to just slob around in her scruffy and chill out.

Poor girl, she has worked hard to get where she is and you are disappointed in her.

I hope you don’t let her see it.