Son in law's temper

But you can't say to your AC "I think you're wrong in yelling at your children" or
"You ought to parent them this way".

Ok agnurse, now that you've taught us what not to say, you really need to teach us what we should say. What advice would you give - apart from calling Social Services, which is just plain ridiculous, what does your expertise advise?

Confused I have pm'd you

Chewbacca

You say nothing. You just leave the situation.

Unsolicited advice often isn't welcomed and is seen as interference.

agnurse as I said previously only the OP can know whether her constructive criticism given with love can be heard as that or not ....do you recognise this scenario atall (see my previous post to you a little earlier in this thread)?

Has he always been like this, or is he having business problems, or other problems with the family which you might know nothing about. He sounds as if he is on a very short fuse. Maybe one more go sometime when you are on your own with your daughter but otherwise at present they have both told you to keep out of it, lots of ideas of helping keep the GC out of it here.

You say nothing. You just leave the situation. Unsolicited advice often isn't welcomed and is seen as interference.

Whereas calling Social Services and involving them in the situation would not be "interfering"? I wouldn't want to see the fallout within a family when they realise that the social worker who's just knocked on their door and informed them that they've had a report of family troubles, was their at their MILs behest. Now THAT is interfering.

agnurse I don't believe you have any idea what you're talking about, quite honestly. The "advice" you so liberally dish out is so flawed, it's dangerous.

I appreciate ALL of your inputs. I wouldn't approach Social Services. I'd go to his family first and see if they can make him see that what he's doing is wrong. However, for the moment things are calm, so I'll keep my powder dry. On the plus side he has many good points. Thank you all.

That sounds more optimistic Confused, I'm glad things have calmed down for the moment.
If you get on well with SIL's family, that sounds like it might be a good idea. His own mum might be able to offer some insight into the problem. Good luck with it all.

Chewbacca

The thing about Social Services is that I believe they don't release the name of the person who contacted them. For all the parents know maybe a neighbour heard the dad screaming at his kids, or the kids mentioned something in school.

And what good would that do to alleviate his temper agnurse? Eh? So now you'll have a man who has social workers in his house and he's going to be suspicious of his mother in law and his neighbours and he'll be as mad as hell at what he, quite rightly, percieves as interfering on a grand scale. His family will be isolated even further!

Confused has already said that she has no intention of involving social services in this matter so perhaps it's best not to advocate that line of advice any further.

Well, obviously my DS and I have a unique relationship, because if I for one moment thought that his actions were affecting DGS badly, I'd have some very strong words with him, and he'd expect nothing less!
If it was my DDiL being aggressive, then I'd point it out to DS and expect him to do something about it.
Advising anyone to contact social services in a case such as this is wrong in the extreme, and a dreadful knee jerk reaction. Absolutely ridiculous advice to give!
Maybe my family are odd, but we're all firmly of the mind that 'it takes a village to raise a child'.
Not in the literal sense obviously, but in the not so distant past if a young mum had a baby who wouldn't sleep, or a newly-married couple had the row of a century, or a child needed advice with a school project, there would very likely have been a grandparent, an uncle, an aunt or a cousin just down the road who would be able to give much-needed reassurance, advice and support. But today many are parenting without family or even friends nearby, or if they are, they won't 'interfere' and we are all the poorer for it.
As for young parents threatening to stop GPs seeing the children, they should take a step back, inhale deeply, and damn well grow up!

Juggernaut

My FIL thought the world of his father and took his kids to see him.

TRIGGER

FIL molested his own daughter over the course of several years.

END TRIGGER

FIL has body-shamed me and my stepdaughter, financially abused Hubby and me, tried to destroy our marriage, and refused to accept that I have a chronic illness.

He's not allowed around me or any future children. Hubby is LC with him.

Do you think we should be spending time with FIL?

What has that got to do with the op?

Chewbacca - "Please don't keep imploring people to contact Social Services agnurse, they would be most unlikely to get involved in this."

I work in Children's Services, and we would, and we do. All children are impacted by witnessing any domestic violence, no matter whether it is physical or emotional, directed at them or a parent.

It would most likely be the Early Help provision that would support, both children and parents

And also Chewbacca - certainly in the department I work in, no social worker would be going out knocking at the door. Unless there was serious and sustained domestic abuse going on, there would be no social workers involved.

If someone calls in and reports a concern about a child, unless they are a professional, then they have the right to remain anonymous, and even if they disclose who they are to the person taking the call (me) they can request to remain anonymous, and that will be respected.

What would happen (in my job, anyway) would be a telephone call to each parent, asking if they would like any support. Generally we say that we understand that couples argue, and that stressful situations arise, but we talk about how the parents plan to ensure that the children aren't subjected to it in future.

It's not all social workers marching in and "interfering"

agnurse
What the hell does your reply have to do with anything I said?
I assume that you meant anyone other than you or your DH is a possible child abuser.
Don't be so ridiculous woman!

You and your family obviously have a lot of problems agnurse, which may colour your thoughts and hence your replies to others who are seeking advice.

Confused I wonder if your SIL is stressed or has money worries? I think your DD is the best one to handle this, perhaps advising a 'Not in front of the children' stance if your SIL does start shouting. Your DD needs to try to be stronger, firmer and not let him see her in tears.
Perhaps an anger management course would be helpful - but you're not the best one to suggest these things.

If you're there, you could hurry the children out of the room into the garden/upstairs and start playing a nice game with them or playing music and singing with them.

What would happen (in my job, anyway) would be a telephone call to each parent, asking if they would like any support.
An unsolicited call to the parents, instigated by MIL, is not a good idea imo.
It could make matters a lot worse.

FIL has body-shamed me and my stepdaughter, financially abused Hubby and me,

How does a FIL financially abuse his son and DIL?
^body-shamed*?

Does he take all of his disappointments out on his children?(OP) if so he needs to be persuaded to confront his own behaviour & understand the reasons for it & accept that it is wrong to perpetuate undesirable parenting.

Confused - does he have trouble with relationships 'in general' by any chance? He sounds just like my ADD throwing tantrums like a 3 year old does, screaming, crying and the like ... I had a very stressful pregnancy with her (I found out my Dad had terminal cancer he day after I found out I was having a baby and lost my Dad at 7 months and tried to resuscitate a 39 yr old friend and failed sadly at 8 months pregnant) and I swear it has had an adverse effect on her Mental Health. After doing some research we are (and she is .... ) sure she has a Borderline Personality Disorder, which is very difficult to treat, and she is in a 'queue' to see a Psychiatrist to hopefully get a diagnosis which may actually get her some help! In the meantime she has major anxieties about abandonment in particular, great difficulties with relationships with anyone, severe depression, self harming and suicidal behaviours to deal with - it is awful for us all ......

Thanks for the clarification HurdyGurdy, but i still think that, in the situation that the OP has presented, it would be inappropriate to involve social services and she has already staged that she has no intention of doing so.

Like you MissA I'm baffled by the significance of parental sexual abuse that agnurse refers to LOUDLY.

I was referring to HurdyGurdy's statement that it would be inappropriate and immature for young parents to stop their children seeing the GPs.

FIL basically said that my kid and I were fat and that my having a chronic disease that affects weight (PCOS) was nothing more than an excuse.

FIL lived in our second home rent-free for several months, meaning that we had to pay TWO mortgages and couldn't rent that home out. He had discussed the possibility of purchasing it from us, then backtracked on that and left the area rather abruptly.

You can understand why Hubby and I aren't fans of FIL.

My point is, people often have very good reasons not to allow their children around the GPs.

I don't think that anyone other than me and Hubby is a child molester. My kid has a total of 9 birth and step-grandparents, 8 living (her maternal grandmother passed away when she was 3). We visit my parents periodically, we have contact with MIL and SFIL who are lovely, and she has contact with her maternal grandfather and stepfather's parents as well.

My mum often commented on my weight.
Me - sitting cross legged on the floor.
Mum - "Do you have to sit like that? You look like Buddha!"

I don't think that anyone other than me and Hubby is a child molester

Are you sure that's what you meant to say agnurse? Surely not?