husband and children/grandchildr en

You sound as if you are fairly comfortable financially which is a help. If so everything is easier in what is a very difficult situation.

What I do know is that you deserve to have some joy in your life. And your lovely family brings you joy. So in the end it is quite simple. Every day could be our last, so we must treasure each day.

Your husband can hire in a housekeeper or look after himself. He sounds to be a capable organiser.

Good luck, I hope you feel brave enough to change your circumstances. I wouldn’t contemplate trying to change a 78 year old. It’s a waste of effort as the last 2 years have demonstrated. So embrace your new life, even if you have to make new friends & not rely solely on your long suffering children & grandchildren. You can do it, I feel it in my bones

You don't mention the ages of your grandchildren so I'm just wondering if the one AC he will accept has children who are older and not so boisterous? If he has never had children of his own he possibly didn't realise the upheaval having youngsters to stay can cause. Certainly a houseful of both adults and little ones is a very noisy time and if he's trying to work (or spend time on his planning) he may not be able to cope.

It does sound as though you've reached the end of the line though - if you do have another property it might be an idea to start to take time out there to get yourself in the right headspace to make the right decision. It's very difficult to do that if you're constantly feeling resentment. If at the end of the day you feel you need to leave permanently you will have already started to make the break.

Good luck.

If he was like this before you married, you may have hoped he would change. People rarely change in my experience.

The only thing to do is decide what YOU want from life and if it means leaving in order to feel happy again then this is what you need to confront and consider.

Weigh up the pros, cons & consequences of whatever decision you make. I wish you well and hope you will be able to find a way through.

I read this earlier on in a magazine, by Sheenagh Pugh:

'What if this road, that has no held surprises
these many years, decided not to go
home after all; what if it could turn
left or right with no more ado
than a kite-tail? What if its tarry skin
were like a long, supple bolt of cloth,
that is shaken and rolled out, and takes
a new shape from the contours beneath?
And if it chose to lay itself down
in a new way; around a blind corner,
across hills you must climb without knowing
what’s on the other side; who would not hanker
to be going, at all risks? Who wants to know
a story’s end, or where a road will go?'

Manny, your situation echoes so much of what I have experienced over the past few years. I tried very hard to improve our relationship , we went for counselling (both individually and as a couple) but DH did not engage with this, and I was always the one at fault for any problems between us. He has an anger issue (which he admits to but
says he does not know to deal with). I have decided that enough is enough, and when we move away from here next year we will not live together unless he works on his issues.
Maybe your husband has depression or other issues (low self esteem or a personality problem). You can lead the horse to water...and all that. Please don’t endure this situation -we only have one life, no second chances.
I wish you happiness and contentment for the future. ??

Yes, I was in a similar joyless situation for twenty years and eight weeks ago, I decided I'd had enough. I've left him in the home I loved and now live in a rented flat. What the future holds I have no idea, but although I miss my home so much it is almost a physical pain, I have freedom from the anxiety that accompanied me 24/7; freedom to do as I choose; It's not an easy decision to make. It depends on your circumstances. Everyone's different, but if I can do it, then I would encourage anyone who feels they're living half a life to do think seriously about doing the same thing.

It is easy to say leave this lonely and unhappy marriage but if it taking medication and or therapy to cope with it, you are in the wrong place. Tick tock! We only have one life!! Do what he is doing and put yourself first.

sorry - many, not many

we have a lovely house in France
The word that jumps out at me here is we
It is your house, your home too.
How miserable that you cannot invite your family to your home.

Some of the posts on here and on MN which advocate leaving a husband for fairly insubstantial reasons are quite horrifying to my mind - but in this case, speaking for myself, I could not put up with this.
I can't advise you what to do - but this sounds like purgatory.

Please see a solicitor who may be able to advise you on your legal position regarding the house etc.
I don't know how old you are many but you deserve better than this, and alone, with your loving family to support you, would be better.

What a misery - has he read a Christmas Carol? It might help but I doubt it. He clearly has no experience of children - and has no intention of discovering the joy they bring- we all know the boring downsides but that’s life - it’s the upsides that matter - he will never know that - walk away from this empty shell of a man - unless he can embrace you and your children - he doesn’t seem to know what love is all about - but knows a lot about his own selfish needs. Xx

If you leave you will be on your own and have to make your own decision. Will the family closeness be the same as hard working families are always so busy and in 8 years things change.

Before you go, try doing your own thing, visit your family and friends when you want to and feel happy he is not there. Go on holiday or take up some new interest so you are out of the house all things you will have to do if you leave. Don't be there all the time for him giving yourself more reason to be unhappy. The time he spends on arranging a sport event and on the computer etc sounds like the time my husband spends watching football and you have heard of golf widows. You must have known he did this before you married him 4 years ago and I don't think 78 is too old to do this. I have a 90+ friend who organises charity bridge tournaments all year.

You must also have known he had a problem with your family if you had been together for 4 years before you married him.

Not sure if your family are up to it but invite them to stay at your home, if he objects or is difficult say you will pay for a hotel for him as you want some family time in your home. Are the guests that stay with you his friends and family? It sounds a bit childish to refuse to have them but tempting.

Reading what you say I think you want the marriage to be one way and he only knows another and he is use to getting his own way. As others have said, a bit of respite from one another will give you a chance to rest and recover and decide the best way forward.

Thanks for that, breeze. All of the comments on Gransnet are very much appreciated.

You don't say if you are of a similar age as him Manny, but if you are, I can very much imagine it's very daunting to contemplate the upheaval of divorce and splitting of assets and money. Especially as you are already feeling so low and stressed. It's such a puzzle that he happily welcomes one of your children into your homes but not the others. He either bears a grudge, or perhaps feels overwhelmed (not having had children himself) when they are all together in a crowd. You don't say whether you still love him. But you have been unhappy for far too long and to the point of it making you ill so you must change the situation. If you still love him, you could sit him down, tell him how unhappy it's making you and that you will only continue with the relationship if he welcomes all of your children and cuts back a bit with work. If he refuses, or if you no longer love him, then I think, as someone else suggested, you should travel to whichever of your homes he is not in and have a break by yourself to be very sure of your feelings. Then ask your children for support and divorce him. You can't make yourself ill. It will be harder if you love him I know but perhaps after 2 years of feeling so wretched that's gone anyway. I wish you luck and future happiness.

He was, a bit. They used to come to stay with me, sometimes for a week at a time. My DDs husband works away a lot, so she would come to stay just so she had some company and a bit of help. It all changed when my OH and I built a bigger house and I moved in there. Her first visit there with the my granddaughters was not a happy experience, so now she stays with her sister who lives close by. It affects all the usual family get togethers, like Christmas. They - all three children and the grandchildren - were in our house for a couple of hours just after last Christmas. He couldn't bear it. Too much noise, and the kids were going to pull down the lamps, he said. They've never broken anything. 'This is an adult house' I was told.

Having been married twice (and felt like you in the second marriage), I got out and now live alone. I value my family, friends and life too much to let someone, who supposedly loves me, make me unhappy xx

How dare he behave in such a way to your children! Was he like this before you married him?

Your husband does not deserve to keep you. You say you feel like a housekeeper, so he has someone to do the housework while he gives nothing back. For your sanity move away from him. You can then enjoy your family. Please don't let any more years go by like this.

Sadly you cannot get back to how the relationship was in earlier times and waiting for it to get better is a waste of time. Have been there with my first husband but once the rot sets in it's not going to change. Cut your losses and leave for your own health and wellbeing before you go under with the stress. All the best. Hugs xxx

The worst loneliness you could have is the loneliness in a marriage. The very reason I stayed with my second husband. Divorced in 2006 and THANK GOD we did. Found me and found a new life. Your right on one thing Manny 'he aint going to change'

manny life is too short at this stage of your life to be misrable.

All the above advice is good and well meant Manny, I hope you will find the strength to act on it. If this post were by someone else, what would you be advising them to do? I'm sure your family would welcome you with open arms. You may think you will be lonely on your own, but aren't you lonely now? Better to be alone and happy than together and so unhappy.

I was just thinking the same as you Nanabilly and then read your post. A sad situation which I think you need to resolve now manny as you have never been met even half way in this relationship. Be true to yourself and bail out

You say you feel like the housekeeper . Do you think this could have all been a part of a big plan for him to find someone to be just that. Have you been duped do you think?
It seems to me that you may have been and if I were you I would up and leave and get back that close family unit you once had before it is too late. Your family must be so sad for you and they will probably welcome you with open arms and ask "what took you so long?"
No one deserves a life of sadness and seriousness 24 hours a day.

No, he has no children. I thought - naively- that in his later years, he might welcome family involvement. I do have social contact, but my problem is that I really miss the family contact I once had. I realise that remarriage makes things different - but I had no idea of the problems I would face. I feel very resentful, as quite often we have guests to stay and I make a big effort to entertain them and to make them welcome, but he won't reciprocate and welcome most of the family.

manny I remember reading your post a couple of years ago and feel so sorry that you are still under going such problems with your OH.
Does your OH have any ACs of his own and if he has do they visit you
You have many years ahead of you and they should be spent in a happy enviroment not walking on eggshells as you have been doing,you should be able to welcome your ACs into your home when ever you want and enjoy their company.
I would personally move away from this relationship and move near your family where I am sure you will not be lonely at all as by the sound of things you have no social contact at all at the present. Sending you ((hugs)) you need them x

manny, this is sad at any time of life, but especially sad now.

Could you take a short trip somewhere and pull back from the situation and have a good long think?

I must admit I think I understand your predicament. My OH is still driven to work all the time and seems unable to relax. We seem to have very little in common now. I am trying to cope with it. Financially we would not be very well off if we separated. I think part of it is an inability to come to terms with ageing so they stick with what they know and dig their heels in.