husband and children/grandchildr en

You say you do not want to separate, what keeps you together? it sounds miserable form what you say.

That's a question I ask myself increasingly. He was appreciative and affectionate at the start of our relationship. We've been together for over eight years now, but these issues just won't go away. I understand that he needs to have interests, but his interests are all-consuming. I now feel like a housekeeper rather than a wife.

Sorry manny,, but I have no idea why you are staying in a marriage that makes you unhappy and ill.

Can you answer why?

This is an awful situation for you.
There is presumably a reason why he has taken against your other two children? Was there a falling out at some point, or is it just maybe a clash of personalities?
You sound certain that the fault doesn't lie with them.

Whatever the reason is many make absolutely sure it does not adversely affect your relationship with those two offspring. You would never forgive yourself if you do.

Yes, Jennifer. I am determined to stay close to my family. There was no big falling out and he keeps saying 'I have nothing against them'
He has been in one daughter's house once - for a matter of hours. He has never been in my son's house. I don't understand any of it.

The first thing that popped into my head was that you need a break from each other. You say that you have two homes, so would it be possible to have a lengthy period apart, one in each house? This would allow you to take stock, relax and see if your health improves. It is obvious that the stress and strain of this situation is taking its toll.

The bottom line is that you should not be having to take medication and visit a therapist to ameliorate the effects of HIS problem.

I looked you up manny and see that you posted the same problem two years ago. You weren’t happy then and you’re even more unhappy now.

Do you want to just let off steam? And to have everyone agree how difficult he is ? That’s fine, we all do it.

But if you want a solution it lies in your hands. Two years, manny and it’s the same problem. You can’t change what he does, you can change what you do.

Unfortunately because of his age I fear he is unlikely to change his ways, and his behaviour is having such a bad effect on your health.

In your situation and for all the reasons you have mentioned, I think I would accept that the marriage is over and separate.

You're right on all counts, Eglantine. I'm afraid of loneliness, I suppose. I really wanted to spend the last years of my life feeling some measure of contentment. And we were happy at one time. But that's all gone. The loneliness within marriage is almost worse

Manny, loneliness within marriage is much, much worse than being single. . You’re having a horrible life because you dread having a horrible life.

Now that doesn’t make sense does it? ?

Eglantine is right, loneliness within a marriage is worse than being alone. If its possible to do as Granny23 suggests and live separately for a while this would help clarify things and reduce your stress levels. I really don't see any positives for you, estranged from part of your family and living with a man who does not appreciate you. I can't see him changing after all this time so you must for the sake of your health and family.

I must admit I think I understand your predicament. My OH is still driven to work all the time and seems unable to relax. We seem to have very little in common now. I am trying to cope with it. Financially we would not be very well off if we separated. I think part of it is an inability to come to terms with ageing so they stick with what they know and dig their heels in.

manny, this is sad at any time of life, but especially sad now.

Could you take a short trip somewhere and pull back from the situation and have a good long think?

manny I remember reading your post a couple of years ago and feel so sorry that you are still under going such problems with your OH.
Does your OH have any ACs of his own and if he has do they visit you
You have many years ahead of you and they should be spent in a happy enviroment not walking on eggshells as you have been doing,you should be able to welcome your ACs into your home when ever you want and enjoy their company.
I would personally move away from this relationship and move near your family where I am sure you will not be lonely at all as by the sound of things you have no social contact at all at the present. Sending you ((hugs)) you need them x

No, he has no children. I thought - naively- that in his later years, he might welcome family involvement. I do have social contact, but my problem is that I really miss the family contact I once had. I realise that remarriage makes things different - but I had no idea of the problems I would face. I feel very resentful, as quite often we have guests to stay and I make a big effort to entertain them and to make them welcome, but he won't reciprocate and welcome most of the family.

You say you feel like the housekeeper . Do you think this could have all been a part of a big plan for him to find someone to be just that. Have you been duped do you think?
It seems to me that you may have been and if I were you I would up and leave and get back that close family unit you once had before it is too late. Your family must be so sad for you and they will probably welcome you with open arms and ask "what took you so long?"
No one deserves a life of sadness and seriousness 24 hours a day.

I was just thinking the same as you Nanabilly and then read your post. A sad situation which I think you need to resolve now manny as you have never been met even half way in this relationship. Be true to yourself and bail out

All the above advice is good and well meant Manny, I hope you will find the strength to act on it. If this post were by someone else, what would you be advising them to do? I'm sure your family would welcome you with open arms. You may think you will be lonely on your own, but aren't you lonely now? Better to be alone and happy than together and so unhappy.

The worst loneliness you could have is the loneliness in a marriage. The very reason I stayed with my second husband. Divorced in 2006 and THANK GOD we did. Found me and found a new life. Your right on one thing Manny 'he aint going to change'

manny life is too short at this stage of your life to be misrable.

Sadly you cannot get back to how the relationship was in earlier times and waiting for it to get better is a waste of time. Have been there with my first husband but once the rot sets in it's not going to change. Cut your losses and leave for your own health and wellbeing before you go under with the stress. All the best. Hugs xxx

Your husband does not deserve to keep you. You say you feel like a housekeeper, so he has someone to do the housework while he gives nothing back. For your sanity move away from him. You can then enjoy your family. Please don't let any more years go by like this.

How dare he behave in such a way to your children! Was he like this before you married him?

Having been married twice (and felt like you in the second marriage), I got out and now live alone. I value my family, friends and life too much to let someone, who supposedly loves me, make me unhappy xx

He was, a bit. They used to come to stay with me, sometimes for a week at a time. My DDs husband works away a lot, so she would come to stay just so she had some company and a bit of help. It all changed when my OH and I built a bigger house and I moved in there. Her first visit there with the my granddaughters was not a happy experience, so now she stays with her sister who lives close by. It affects all the usual family get togethers, like Christmas. They - all three children and the grandchildren - were in our house for a couple of hours just after last Christmas. He couldn't bear it. Too much noise, and the kids were going to pull down the lamps, he said. They've never broken anything. 'This is an adult house' I was told.