Support for all who are living with estrangement

If you cannot be supportive why not stay away

Because it feeds a need in her, Ginny, that's why.

Quite frankly agnurse I'm not sure why you are pursuing your line of argument on this thread. Why would you wish to intensify the hurt of other grandparents? It's like jabbing at someone with an injury.

Don't you think we've been over and over what we might have done to cause the alienation? Lain awake at night wondering what went wrong? What can we do to put it right? Thoughts spiralling out of control and sleep deprived.

If you cannot be supportive why not stay away?

hdh74

In the majority of the cases I've seen, fixing things really doesn't happen. 99.9% of sit-downs do not go well. IME, what usually ends up happening is:

-passive aggression ("Fine, if you won't let me do what I want with the kids, I won't see them at all!")
-guilt trips ("You're killing your mother!")
-tears
-manipulative behaviour

Carolina55

I think if it's explained to children why they aren't seeing their grandparents, it's less likely to happen. Now, I'm not saying they need to have all the gory details. (Believe me, Hubby and his siblings should NEVER have been allowed around GFIL for reasons that children should never have to hear.) But they can be told something to the effect of, "Granny did things we felt weren't right. So we are not seeing her right now."

I don't think that most people choose to go NC because they intentionally want to hurt someone. Rather, I think most reasonable adults go NC because they've frankly had enough.

Ungranned and MacCavity2 everything you write will strike a chord with anyone going through or having been through this. As you say, we would never have dreamed of doing to our parents what our children have done to us, and never on such flimsy pretexts.

Does it not occur to them that their children will think this behaviour is normal and do the same to them as they become parents? I wonder if this has been repeated in the next generation?

When it happened to me I was the only person I’d heard of and although all family and friends were supportive they couldn’t possibly know the absolute desolation I felt and how it would come in waves after feeling relatively happy with life.

I’m so glad we’ve all got Gransnet so that we can share our experiences and not feel like the worst mother in the world

I do think the advice going around these days is, 'put yourself first, respect your boundaries, and if anyone is a negative influence cut them out of your lives.'
I'm sure in extreme cases that is good advice, but whatever happened to trying to fix things first? And yet I see so many people in pain and lonely, my heart breaks for us all too.
Sorry to hear your story joyfulnanna - and don't apologise, we want to be here for you the best we can. x
I was cleaning my bedroom today and dusting the photos of the kids when they were small - made me teary as usual - does this ever go away or do people just accept that every day will have deeply sad moments no matter how hard you try to focus on other things?

Every time I read a post on here my heart breaks yet again for all of us who just want our normal family life back. I cant believe this is all happening throughout the country and to so many of us. I was very close to my lovely mum and I cannot imagine anything she might have done that I didn't agree with, and there will have been some things, that would have made me even consider cutting off contact with her. My love for her as her daughter was unconditional and I thought it was the same with my DD.

Joyfulnanna please don’t apologise for writing down your feelings, it will help to talk to us who understand your nightmare. We are just a group of grandmothers who had the pleasure of our grandchildren for a few years then were cruelly cut out of their lives.

From what I’ve read on here we all put our children first, supported them through school and teenage years, struggled to pay for all the things we never had because we wanted a better future for them. I don’t know how this plague started but it has spread like wildfire, social media, perhaps. This same social media will now work to our advantage, we must continue to support each other, hold each other’s hands when we are having a bad day.

We must not give in to despair, open up on here and we will respond with understanding and kindness. One day there will be a breakthrough, I have to believe that. One day our AC will find out that life has a nasty way of biting them on the bum and they will need their lovely parents.

Until then ignore any negative people, just speak to us. If anyone dares to say anything nasty to you we will defend each other.

MacCavity2 and hdh74, thanks for your messages of support. I know I need to try and carry on with my life, for my DH's sake too, but I feel so full of hurt even after such a long while, it doesn't seem to lessen. I just wish my guardian angel would go and talk to my DD and bring us back together again. It's my 70th birthday next year and I cant bear the thought of it without my precious family

I feel your pain. I too am suffering the same feelings of bereavement at the loss of contact with my only grandchild. My cruel daughter has taken it upon herself to cut me out of my GS's life. He and I had such a close relationship. He would come and stay most fortnight's for days, he would often tell me how much he loved me and that he wanted to live with me. His mother, my daughter was so busy with working night shifts, helping people with their horses and her own, playing in a band, etc. He never saw her much. I only wanted her him to want her but he made his feelings known to me that he preferred to stay with me. It did break my heart that she spread herself so thin and didn't give him the mothering he deserved. Even when he started school someone else would take him and pick him up. I often wondered if she really understood that when you have a child, that child comes first. I feel I have failed as a mum to her as parenting doesn't come naturally to her. Anyway, I picked up the reins for my GS's sake and tried to fill in for her, always reassuring him how much he was loved by her. I encouraged him to make her cards and draw pictures for her, make her gingerbread men biscuits etc for when she picked him up from me. I provided them both with a decent home to live in and just asked that she pay a nominal rent and the bills. Last year she stopped paying me rent and told me she needed help with the bills. I let this go on for a few months but when it was clear she wasn't going to resume taking responsibility, I told her I was selling the house because I felt so used. I gave her a large deposit to get her own place. She then left and has cut off all contact with me. I dont know where she lives and she doesn't answer the phone to me. I let things go for a few months as the stress of the previous months had taken their toll on me. When xmas came I tried to get presents to her and my grandson.. I took them to her dad's mother's house but the door was slammed in front of me. His birthday in Jan came and went, she posted horrible cryptic msgs on Facebook, intended I'm sure to upset me. Recently I have tried again, I wrote her an email and then went to the school hoping to see if I could talk to her but I missed her.. Now she is telling mutual friends that I am mentally ill and tried to abduct my gs. I just don't know what to do next.. I feel a failure. Worst still, I have to lie to work colleagues and others when they ask after my GS because the shame of being cut off from him is so awful. Sorry for the long post..

So much pain in these posts it's made me tearful. What heartbreak. No contact for 8 years? Arranging last goodbye session? What on earth makes them think this is alright?

We're here to hold your hands across the miles. xx

Yes I thought so too IrishRose, such ironic hypocrocy.

Aqua .....it's heartbreaking to hear of your 'last day' with GC. How can AC be so cruel ? I can't say or do anything to ease your pain. Time does heal. for you

"Unsolicited advice is generally not welcome" so says the nagnurse.

Oh dear God, the irony.

I live in the West Midlands too.

Ps any support groups in my area , or chance of coffee and chat ???
Ladies let me know.
I live in West Midlands.

Megan...agnurse has a feeling, so we must accept her judgement and heed her words!!!!?

Agnurse
I don't to social media, never done any of it, Facebook , Instagram, Snapchat, any of it ever. ..
So that theory goes.
Really in life I only bother with kind, caring supportive people, what GC doesn't deserve the love of their grandparents... Really, your comments are nothing to me.
Lovely ladies it's definitely no contact, my AC reinforced today. But atleast I got extra time this week. I will always remember my last day with GC we laughed, played and had fun, what a marvelous memory.
Take care lovely people, hugs and a protective bubble for us all.

Message deleted by Gransnet. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Hang in there Ungranned. What I can really relate to is how fast you can lose what you have and how it leaves you totally shocked and bereaved. It's been nearly 3 years zero contact for me now and I'd do anything just to be able to talk to try and fix things. I'm running out of things to try as I have no address for my son now, but I try to keep hoping. Keep trying, and I really hope they let you back in their lives.

Allies to hold hands with, I love that hdh74. What a great way of describing us. Ungranned your name says it all, please fight the depression, take pleasure in your memories do everything in your power to find some joy and happiness in your life.

Hi everyone, I have posted on here previously but not for a while. But I do empathise very much with other estranged parents/grandparents. I was, in my DDs words, "the best grandma" to my GS. I loved being with him and looked after him one day a week but spent other time with him too. We used to have great fun and my DD would often ask me to join her and GS on outings. I have another GS via my DS and I also looked after him once a week etc. Three and a half years ago DH and I decided, after years of talking about and then months and months of decision-making due to various life-changing events, to take advantage of his recent retirement and go to live in our beloved village in Cyprus. We capped it at 5 years so we weren't too frail when we came back. I told my three AC separately and youngest DS was fine with it, eldest DS also was fine, but DD was furious with me and would not talk with me about it. It wasn't the best time as she was pregnant with second GC but we had to bring our plan forward by two years due to events. My DD refused to allow me to explain although she was aware of our situation. We delayed our leaving date for four weeks after birth of DGD so I could help my DD, but wasn't allowed to. In the meantime, my eldest DS cut me off too, in support of his sister. I was desperately unhappy and mentioned to my SIL, who I got on really well with, my concerns and intentions to cancel. He emphatically said I shouldn't cancel and that he knew my DD would be fine once over the birth. I kept in close contact via SIL and visited several times to see DGC but eldest DS would not respond to me. I became very anxious and depressed due to gradual decline in contact with AC and GC and a year ago returned to UK to try and resolve things. I am denied contact with my DD, SIL and GC and haven't seen my DGC for two years now. I've had counselling but am still in shock and feel bereaved and desperate to end this terrible situation. I will never give up trying because every day it drags me down and is with me constantly.
Sorry for rant but so good to "talk".

Just to add to my post, this thread entitled "Support etc" is so helpful to those of us who are going through the same thing. I am very glad it is here.

I can so resonate with everything you say MacCavity2 and I really do hope those that want to share support on this stick around. Just knowing that others are in the same boat makes me feel so much less alone. I still constantly ask myself what I did wrong and feel like I must be the worst mum on the planet. I need all the allies I can get to 'hold hands' with.

Please, please, stay with us Chewbacca, IrishRose and all those who might be intimidated by negative comments, pedantic nit pickers etc. At the very least it is important to know the vast scale of this modern phenomenon.

So many are sadly ashamed to speak to family and friends about the cruelty we endure. I finally told some friends and family that have known me a long time and know my history with my son. They were surprisingly supportive. There are also some I would never tell as they are not discreet. These people who ask about my son and GD I blatantly lie. It’s my self protection.

It is often painful to read of others pain, but knowing we are not alone and can possibly help each other find solutions to this cruelty. My best wishes to everyone and please keep writing.

Could it be arrogance megan?